Page 2 | WHY are some children violent in nature??

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

FillydoraTonks · 31/07/2007 16:10

montessori good. structure prob good for him.

I don't actually think that biting is any more extreme than kicking, really. At 3.7 I am assuming that he is not strong enough to break the skin. Some kids just DO seem to bite. its life. And then they get bigger and stop.

At 3.7, this is going to be a self control issue. He is not going to be waking up and thinking "wayhey, off to the park this morning to bite X". He just doesn't have the self-discipline to NOT do this.

So you need to ride it out as best you can, really, and do what you need to do.

Will he play alone? Might be worth developing that, if not, so that you dont' NEED to socialise with other.

HonoriaGlossop · 31/07/2007 16:11

yes, please don't let it really get you down. He's still only three. A toddler, basically! He WILL grow out of it!

americantrish · 31/07/2007 16:14

i'd say its normal behaviour. it may not bring much consolation to you. my son whose 3 has gone thru things like this; biting, hitting, pushing. i'd also agree that its frustration that he cannot express otherwise (he doesnt know how yet probably.)

is he very active otherwise? very bright? needing a lot of stimatulation? (none of these are bad things!! my son is all of those and more!)

make sure that you and your husband are in agreement with how to handle this. your son will quickly learn if you aren't.

& maybe a chat with your HV or GP to rule out anything medical (i.e.- pain?)

sigh... good luck..

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Pruners · 31/07/2007 16:15

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americantrish · 31/07/2007 16:18

hey pruners, good that he's self-entertaining... (my son goes thru days when he will and then won't!)

i'm horrible at doing this, and i try so hard to remember to, but to praise my son when he's playing alone. or to take silent interest in what he's doing without joining in.

we've had a frustrating as hell day here... i'm just clock watching til bedtime! (7pm)
i try so hard to remember that tomorrow is another day... and once ds is asleep there's a cup of tea or glass of wine waiting for me...

and remind yourself, you are doing a great job!!

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Pruners · 31/07/2007 16:19

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Lazycow · 31/07/2007 16:21

I second the 'play with older children bit'

My ds (2.8 yrs old) is often violent with other children his age - despite my best efforts to stop him. Recently I visited a frind with a 7 year old and a 5 year old. Ds played with these two children for 2 hrs. I hardly saw him in that time and there were no incidents that needed refereeing.
He just joined in the imaginative play and was their slave for most of that time . I hasten to add that he loved it and did not want to come home.

It was bliss and that friend has a different view of ds i.e 'isn't he well behaved, bright etc for his age' than my friends with 2/3 years olds who are more likely to say 'Well he's probably tired/hungry etc' - they are very nice and try and find excuses )

Dinosaur · 31/07/2007 16:24

Lots of sympathy Pruners, DS1 was a hitter, and a kicker, and a biter.

He is 8 now and is loads better, although still occasionally lashes out if someone invades his personal space, and he has problems handling other kids being deliberately disruptive.

americantrish · 31/07/2007 16:24

hey pruners, you're welcome. i know what you mean, my son gets so worked up over things. more so when he's tired and hasnt napped. (like today!)

Pinkchampagne · 31/07/2007 16:39

My DS2 (4) has a terrible temper & can get quite aggressive when he gets angry, so you have my sympathy.
I am hoping it is something he will outgrow, but don't feel as confident when I see his 40 year old father having even bigger tantrums!

I think children of this age do get easily frustrated & don't know how to handle their frustrations in other ways. It sounds like you are handling the situation really well, and I'm sure things will improve in time.

julesrose · 31/07/2007 19:25

My dd used to do the hitting thing - started when she was little and had a week of being spontaneously attacked - kept getting hit and even headbutted in the playground / at friends. I think she learnt pre-emptive attack was the way forward. I used to get soooo upset as everywhere we wentshe would hit other toddlers. I was on edge for about a year whenever we were out which I'm sure didn't help matters. She has completely grown out of it now (she's 4). Have you tried a carrot - star chart etc - and totally going over the top when he plays nicely?

Leati · 31/07/2007 19:42

Pruners,
I think you would be surprised to realize that at his age a lot kids hit. Acknowledge his anger and encourage him to express himself with his words. There is a good article about hitting below.

Good Luck!

www.babycenter.com/expert/toddler/toddlerbehavior/13938.html

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Pruners · 31/07/2007 19:51

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Leati · 31/07/2007 19:55

Pruners,

Give it some time and he will outgrow it.

gess · 31/07/2007 19:55

DS1 and DS2 were so laid back they were horizontal (ds1 no more, but ds2 still of that mould). DS3, oh my goodness- he came out looking for trouble

The biggest difference between them is that ds3 has opinions. He knows what he wants to happen (ds1 and ds2 were more than happy for someone else to decide for them). He wants to see how far he can push & he wants to be sure he's not missing out on anything.

He's pretty verbal as well, just uses it to argue.....

gess · 31/07/2007 19:58

Oh and ds3 is hopeless at playing alone as well - ds2 has always been good.

I think (serio.usly) that ds3 will have to learn ways of controlling is temper as he grows up, but I'm not so worried about 'violence' as I think the hitting etc is still normal in pre-schoolers. He does understand rules etc, and although nursery say 'oh my he;s different from the other 2 isn't he?' he does seem to understand the boundaries there. Now he just needs to become less highly strung.

In all seriousness I'll probably try quite hard to teach him ways to relax as he grows. He may need to play rugby or something as well.

FillydoraTonks · 31/07/2007 20:05

oh feck, pruni, you are just unfortunate in your friends, I think. Your ds is still VERY small. He has also had, compared to most of these sedate kids, a fair bit of upheaval, in that this is the third (?) move he's had in his life.

Don't condem your ds because of their rxn. I am sure you wouldn't but I know I have been angry with ds, as much because of the shocked reactions of others as my own reaction to his behaviour. I have gotten so utterly sick of being the parent whose kid hit other.

The only other possibility might be working on his expressing his emotions. Will he do that? And do you listen non-judgementally when he does? I think that CAN make a difference. I have worked a lot on this with ds, I think it really helped him.

Your ds isn't one of these other children, thats all. He has his own challenges. So do they. This kind of personality is a good one, I think, just hard to manage in the early years.

I dunno how to express this. I think kids are all of our responsibility and it makes me really and to hear parents feeling criticised or isolated or anything because their kids hit or bite. I don't massively think these things ARE parenting, tbh, I think they are personailty.

TeaTime · 01/08/2007 00:11

Hi Pruners,
My ds is also a hitter, pusher over, scragger and sometimes biter - he's 5 now but I first discovered this behaviour when he was 3 at nursery (spent the first party he'd been invited to mortified by the way he attacked all around him making little girls cry etc. - I'd hoped to meet and chat with other parents and did nothing but apologise ). I know what you mean about feeling defeated when all the reasoning and loving discipline doesn't seem to work. I have a theory that he really just wants some physical contact (future Rugby player?) since he loves it when he's roughed up a bit (likes being 'squashed') and perhaps it's a clumsy way of provoking someone to push him back, have a romp, roll around on the floor like puppies pretending to bite? I sometimes take his hands when he's been hitting me and say 'What''s the matter - do you really want a cuddle?' and invariably he says yes and after a hug the hitting stops but I'm afraid the message might not be strong enough that hurting other people is wrong.. It still hasn't sunk in after 2 years but since so many people say that they grow out of it you just have to hope. Ds is developmentally delayed in other ways but the unacceptable (and unpredicatable) behaviour compounds his problems. About biting - my favourite anecdote was from the mother of ds's best friend at nursery (mature then 3 year old girl) who apparently came home one day and told her in a rather matter-of-fact way 'M bit me today - but he didn't mean it' I think she had sussed that all he wanted really was a cuddle!!