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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My four year old DS keeps having really agressive temper tantrums, and I can't take much more

33 replies

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 15:18

Everytime he doesn't get his own way he seems to burst into a terrible rage, pushing doors hard against the wall, throwing things, hitting/scratching/kicking, screaming & shouting that he hates me etc.

We have just walked to the garage to buy some chocolates for the staff at his nursery, and while there he picked up a Kit Kat. I told him to put it down because we already had chocolate at home, and this sparked of a huge tantrum, which lasted the entire walk home.
He was screaming & trying to pull away from me, but I had to keep a tight grip of him because we were beside a very busy road.
My arm is aching still from the struggle to keep a grip of him. He was hitting out at me & digging his nails into my arm all the way home.
I said "No hitting" firmly to him, and other than that tried to ignore his tantrums as we walked home, but the behaviour continued.
He had time out when we got home, and calmed down, but I really don't know how much more I can take right now, and don't know the best way to deal with all this.
I recently separated from their dad, which may be behind some of this, but I am really getting run down with it all.
I would be grateful of any advice.

OP posts:

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 15:23

They do seem to get lots of treats when they go out with their dad, so I guess I must seem like the bad guy when I say no.

OP posts:

MrsScavo · 22/07/2007 15:27

You have my sympathy as my 4yo DS is exactly the same. I would have reacted the same as you, re "no hitting" and the time out. Maybe we're both doing something wrong. DS's life is very stable - his dad is with us ect., so I don't think you can be put it down to that. Are the tantrums a new thing, since you sperated?

oops · 22/07/2007 15:29

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 15:29

He's always been very strong willed & prone to strops, but I have noticed that they have got far worse just recently.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 15:34

Thank you, oops.
I am not feeling at my best right now because not only have we been trying to adjust to this new life (DS1 was challanging me with his behaviour in different ways too), but I recently lost my nan - it's her funeral on Tuesday, so my emotions are a bit up in the air. Maybe the boys are picking up on that.
I am trying to handle it right, but it is wearing me down.

OP posts:

Howdydoody · 22/07/2007 15:34

What a tough time you must be having PC. It's hard enough in "normal" circumstances but recently seperated must be so hard.

Keep setting those boundaries though, even if you feel the bad guy. He is testing them and even though in his little mind he doesn't know why, he has had so much change to cope with he wants to see if you react. It will confuse him even more if you change his set boundaries. When my dd was this age (she came out screaming and carried on for years after) the nursery lady was so helpful giving tips like - get down to their level, speak softly (so hard i know) so that the child has to stop screaming to hear what you have to say. It worked somewhat as dd could see me talking but not hear me due to being so loud!

Sorry if that's not too much help, but know that lots of us have been though/are going through it and you will get through it.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 15:37

Thanks Howdydoody, that sounds like a good approach.

OP posts:

oops · 22/07/2007 15:42

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 16:03

Thanks for the advice, oops.

I have spoken to the boys about their great nanny's death. They seemed to take it quite well, but I guess it is yet more upset for them, and they can probably sense that I'm not great right now.

DS2 is still taking antibiotics for an ear infection too, and although he appears much brighter now, I guess it won't be helping.

I'm just feeling very run down with it all atm, but maybe things will get better once everything calms down a bit.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 22/07/2007 16:13

my ds1 still has violent tantrums at 9 if he is too hungry/thirsty or tired. It can be absolutely draining and very hard to stay calm. Have you read 'Raising Boys?' it's got lots of good advice.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 20:05

I had a quick look at that book years back when DS2 was a baby, but haven't read it recently.

It does get very draining, especially when you are not feeling tip top in yourself to start with.
I try to do what I think is the right thing, but it appears I am actually getting it all very very wrong right now.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 20:08

Bedtimes are just a nightmare since my two started sharing a room too!

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alipigwidgeon · 22/07/2007 20:10

Pinkchampagne I am going through exactly the same thing personally and with my ds2 (4) as well. Been two weeks from hell. I'm always the "bad guy" here too. Ds2 is also having huge separation from mummy issues too which are really not helping, not going to bed early enough so is tired next day and here with it being really hot we've been having "meltdowns" nearly every night. Last night I calmly put him back in his room every time he came out, switched the light off, finally without speaking I went in an lay down beside him. He calmed down totally. It was working a treat until we had a huge power cut . Then he was freaked out. But shall do the same thing again tonight.

It's so hard isn't it. I've felt this week that I've not been a very good parent and am failing him. I just hope that as time progresses he'll settle back into his new routine and we'll get my happy/sunny natured little boy back.

KTNoo · 22/07/2007 20:16

I'm really impressed you stood firm and didn't give in to him on the kit kat considering the stress you must be under right now! I also have a 4 year old tantrum thrower - I think I take it badly because I assumed he'd be better by now. I would imagine the separation and ear infection are a factor in this. I think if you can cope with ignoring him and going deaf to it then eventually he'll get the message. When my ds is in an enormous rage I hold him on my lap until he calms down, and he's been known to scream in my ear "I'M GOING TO DIE"!!!!"

CalifrauniusFudge · 22/07/2007 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elasticwoman · 22/07/2007 20:24

Allip - sounds to me like you're a great parent. You're there for him and thinking about what to do for the best. That's what it's all about. It is hard dealing with tantrums.

Doubly hard, if like PinkChampagne, you're on your own. Separated parents have all sorts of different relationships with each other, from the acrimonious to the highly co-operative. If yours is anywhere near the co-operative end of the spectrum, could you enlist xp/h's help? Could you discuss the difficulty with him?

Personally, after the experience you've just had with the chocolate, I wouldn't take him anywhere near a sweetshop for quite a while. It's as well to remember what triggers tantrums. Chocolate is an enormous temptation to a 4 yo and they can't really understand why they should not have it if they see it.

alipigwidgeon · 22/07/2007 20:28

CalifrauniusFudge you made my day now I shall forever mutter dementor as ds2 is going into that phase as these tantrums do rather suck you dry emotionally don't they. Actually one method which really did stop my boy is not one I would recommend. I sobbed out loud and he stopped instantly and said 'Mummy why are you crying' to which I answered because you're so unhappy. The hug we had was definitely worth it .

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 20:49

Thank you all for your advice & sharing your own experiences. It is good to know I'm not alone here!
He is an adorable little boy, who is full of life & entertains us all, but he does have a very quick temper, and the slightest thing can set him off.

I had to take both boys with me to the garage, as I needed to get the chocolates for his nursery today, and had no-one to take care of the boys. If I could have avoided taking them along, I would have done!

I work with children, have done for many years, but no child can get throgh to you like your own!

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 20:51

Being a mum can be the hardest job at times, can't it?

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Howdydoody · 22/07/2007 21:06

Yes PC it is. But the good times are the greatest highs ever aren't they .You are doing a great job though, dont down yourself.

BTW you said about your 2 now sharing a room and it being a problem - mine have just started and i'm going thorugh exactly the same thing! DS1 ending up in my bed most nights but heyho as long as they sleep. Let us know how things go

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 21:17

DS2 is in my bed right now because they wouldn't settle, as he was last night!

At the moment I have to admit that I am finding parenthood a bit of a struggle, but maybe that is partly because I'm struggling with everything right now!

OP posts:

KalunaLoveGood · 22/07/2007 21:19

have you googled

poor impulse control and quick temper in boys ?

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 21:19

No I haven't, but I will!

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 21:20

Thanks!

OP posts:

paulaplumpbottom · 22/07/2007 21:21

Explain to your Dh how his treats cause problems for you. Its not fair

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