My four year old DS keeps having really agressive temper tantrums, and I can't take much more

[Pinkchampagne]

Everytime he doesn't get his own way he seems to burst into a terrible rage, pushing doors hard against the wall, throwing things, hitting/scratching/kicking, screaming & shouting that he hates me etc.

We have just walked to the garage to buy some chocolates for the staff at his nursery, and while there he picked up a Kit Kat. I told him to put it down because we already had chocolate at home, and this sparked of a huge tantrum, which lasted the entire walk home.
He was screaming & trying to pull away from me, but I had to keep a tight grip of him because we were beside a very busy road.
My arm is aching still from the struggle to keep a grip of him. He was hitting out at me & digging his nails into my arm all the way home.
I said "No hitting" firmly to him, and other than that tried to ignore his tantrums as we walked home, but the behaviour continued.
He had time out when we got home, and calmed down, but I really don't know how much more I can take right now, and don't know the best way to deal with all this.
I recently separated from their dad, which may be behind some of this, but I am really getting run down with it all.
I would be grateful of any advice.

I will try, Paula. He is doing exactually what his own dad did to him, and he gave his poor mum a terrible time as a child.
it's not just ex H though, as my mum does it too.

ask nursery to monitor his behaviour too, you need them to watch for the triggers that set your DS off

It's his last day at nursery tomorrow.
I know that he has had little outbursts here & there at nursery because they have told me, and he has been quite prone to mood swings in the last month or so, which could be a direct response to the whole separation.

I'd pick your battles. Now is not the time that your ds HAS to learn that he doesn't get something every time at the shop....you were going to buy chocs for other people, and not your ds....that is SO HARD when you're four! OK you already had choc at home but to be honest, at the moment, so soon after your bereavement and while you're all struggling with the family seperation, I really think it would have done no harm at all just to have bought him the kitkat.

So sorry to hear about your nan.

I just want you to be kind to yourself. You sound as if you're working so hard on everything and seem so concerned about the effect on the children of the split (which I commend you for and admire you for) but I think you need at this stage, to pick your battles more than ever. Trust your boys. they will turn out fine even if bought the odd bar of choc they don't need.

It's good to know I'm not alone here!

He hasn't been as bad today, but we did have the usual battles when I put out his clothes. Getting him dressed is often a battle because whatever you put out for him to wear, he doesn't want on!

I am in similar situation with 4 yo dd, recently split up from her dad, and she's been having tantrums that last for up to an hour because she doesn't want to have a shower / go to the toilet / get dressed. I have done mix of reinstating sticker chart, withdrawing things she likes if she continues to behave badly (tv, trip to park after nursery, ice cream in park) plus I give her loads and loads of positive attention and reassurance.

I have occasionally lost it and shouted at her ... I am calm and patient for so long and then I just lose it as she hits me / repeatedly kicks the door / says daddy's better than you, I want to live with him etc. It's bloody tough and I feel sorry for myself with no spare time and being completely drained, but it feels a bit like we're making slow progress.

Good luck! Take it easy on yourself and only do the things you have to and get some rest.

Thanks, Amaris.
It is really tough isn't it? Glad things are slowly improving for you.