A Child Of Our Time

[Enid]

Anyone else watch this last night? Was anyone else left with the feeling that the experiments they do are trivial and random and that they only show the ones that work? I suppose I want it to be a straightforward developmental show (probably selfishly as dd is the same age as the kids on it), but I always find it disappointing.

Ooh, there already is a thread! Great minds and all that

I tried to tape it and the date on the video recorder was wrong, AARGHHHH!

Disappointing--yes, definitely. Was just talking about that with a friend, who used the word "rubbishy." Some of the experiments seemed hardly scientific. There must be a market for a more intelligent program of this kind.

I was horrified, not only has ds spent time in hospital, being attached to a drip (which they described as agonisingly painful) but dh and I are separated. I had thought that we dealt with both issues fairly well, but from the programme I got the impression that my poor ds is now totally emotionally and physically scarred with his subconscious memory remembering everything!

Yes, v. disappointing!

But Art, the evidence was that children WEREN'T traumatised by being in intensive care - quite the opposite. And the problem with the other couple was the very traumatic nature of the breakup. The mum admitted the children had been neglected because of the fighting between the parents. I'm sure that's not true of you. My parents did neglect us because they were so busy fighting and I know it damaged us, so I think that's a fair thing to say.

Art, I wouldn't worry as they showed ONE child who seemed a bit withdrawn. She responded very quickly to her mum once they spent a bit of quality time together. IMO, the programme 'proved' nothing.

They also showed ONE toddler who was freaked out by the neo-natal unit. Dd would have been in there like a shot checking it out, even though she has never spent any time in intensive care. Please don't let the arbitrary findings of this show question your ability as a good parent!

Just out of curiosity, did the programme focus on how reversable any early problems are? Babies develop so fast, can the apparent signs of neglect be overridden if the type of care changes.

So many people bang on about how being a parent is a learning process, and isn't it common to change your approach as you go? Surely lots of babies out there have had periods of 'bad' parenting because of their parent's ignorance or just plain tiredness.

Absolutely Tigermoth, you are right, its human to vary in the 'quality' of parenting you provide! In fact the show had one little girl who showed signs of being withdrawn and not liking her mum very much. As soon as the mum chilled out and started giving her a bit more attention, everything seemed fine. So the problems clearly were reversible. One woman had had a very unhappy childhood and was determined to give her son a childhood unmarred by bad memories - absolutely the right thing to do but I couldn't help feeling how much she would hate herself the day that she cracked and shouted at him (as we all do at some point). She was setting herself up for failure IMO.

Thinking of that woman's determination to give a childhood unmarred by bad memories: how can we be so sure that our parenting, however good we believe it is, is only producing good memories?

And as you say, Enid, you can start with the best intentions but at some point you will snap. A child's fondest memory could be of mummy throwing a rare wobbly! And as your toddlers turn into children, their reactions become less and less predictable. Good and bad memories are created as you muddle through. I remember incidents when my parents thought they were being kind to me but they made me sooo irritable.

I didn't see the programme, but can't help thinking that this is an impossible goal to set.

I'm not sure I view my role as to provide good memories. Obviously, I don't want to deliberately create any bad memories, but I suppose it will be possible that she has a few, as I strive to give my dd a secure upbringing and to give her the tools to make her confident and independent. Sometimes that will mean saying no, or disciplining her for something and sometimes, she will have to go along with what others want to do, rather than what she wants to do. But that's life and I want her to be considerate of others and to make strong and happy friendships too.

Not all my memories of childhood are wonderful - my parents weren't perfect, but they were good parents and that's what I hope for too.

Were there particular things the mother on the show was trying to avoid? Were the children old enough for her to have to start saying no to them?

Did anyone see this tonight? They seemed to be saying that unless you discipline your child they will be developmentally disadvantaged. (I know that's not really what they were saying, but that could easily be the message you would come away with). And that poor woman with depression - apparantly it was all her fault that her son couldn't do the tests "properly". Had to laugh when one of the triplets said "go away.....bitch" to the development woman.
I've been quite disappointed with these programmes, they put everything into such simplistic terms.

I thought tonight's was better, actually. My heart broke for the baby of the depressed woman - stuck in his cot from 7.30 at night until 10.30 the next day - no wonder he was angry. I know she was depressed, but it was fair to give her baby a voice too - that doesn't happen often. I thought the main point of the programme - that setting boundaries is good for kids, but you should try and respond to their reasonable needs - was very true and not at all extreme. And the stuff about ignoring bad behaviour and praising good definitely works, though it's hard to do. BTW, It's common practice and I'm almost certain that the parents would all have seen the finished programme prior to transmission and would have approved it -otherwise they wouldn't keep on with the show. They need to keep the parents happy otherwise they wouldn't have a programme, so don't think the programme makers are betraying the parents.

I really like this this programme and find it interesting as ds is the same age as the children on it.I watched it tonight and I'm sorry if it makes me judgemental but I could not feel sympathy for the woman with depression because I felt she was being a really bad mum!
She put her little boy to bed at 7.00pm and he awoke at 5.45am which is pretty reasonable I think..11 hours sleep.Despite him shouting her she didn't go into him until 7.15 and that was only to tell him to go back to sleep.She then didn't rise till 10.30!!!!!! I think that is outrageous!!! The poor little thing was calling her and she just ignored him. Apart from him being lonely, he must have been starving!! It was like something off an NSPCC advert and it just broke my heart.
Maybe the programme is simplistic but I think its interesting and enjoyable. And how funny was the "go away...bitch" comment? How embarrassed would you be?!!!!!

As I was typing my message someone made exactly the same point.sorry to repeat.

Message withdrawn

The thing that struck me (and maybe it was just how the programme presented it)was: where was the depressed woman's husband while all this was going on? I agree that it was heartbreaking to see the little boy stuck in his cot, but when you're depressed you sometimes just can't do what needs to be done. The lad's father needed to be involved too - how kids develop is not just mum's responsibility, however busy dad may be with work.

This programme makes me feel so guilty for being a bad parent. I know that we can't all be perfect all of the time but I look at my kids and now wonder if I should have done this, that or the other when they were younger. What damage have I done to them in their early years? My children aren't particularly confident but then neither are DH and I, they are little monsters for me but seem to be better behaved for others and I don't think empathy comes too high on the agenda either. I don't know if I want to watch next week's programme now. Being a parent is such a big responsbility.

I know PamT these kind of programs can make me a bit insecure about whether I've done the right thing or not. Somehow doesn't worry DH in the same way!!

The little boy with the depressed mother - the father had no idea of what was going on in the morning. He said so on the brief interview with him in his car. he certainly seemed switched off from the issue.

Was anyone else really impressed by the disabled woman and her little boy? While I was fairly impressed with how she coped with the practicalities the thing that really stood out to me was the relationship she had with her son. She seemed to be just on his wavelength and seemed to have (at the end) exactly the right mix of discpline and affection.

To be frank this programme worries me greatly. To suggest that discipline is simply a matter of praising the good and ignoring the bad is far too simplistic. The responsibility was all too often placed on the heads of the women in last nights programme. Like PamT I came away from the programme questioning my parenting skills as I have an extremely boistrous toddler, my father died suddenly and unexpectedly at the beginning of the year and I've not been the happiest person in the world but on reflection I think that it is a matter of styles of parenting. The family with the triples seemed to be being criticised for their style of parenting and I thought good on them that they are prepared to stick to their guns (although my own style of parenting is rather more structured than theirs). Taking only a few examples from a larger group of families is far from scientific. I do wonder about the motivation behind programmes like these... as if parenting isn't guilt ridden and difficult enough. A history of parenting books will show that parenting is often about what is fashionable and this obviously changes.

I think it's odd that everyone seems to take this programme as a personal attack on their own parenting skills! I thought they were right. Discipline IS a matter of balance. Of being consistent, following through, praising good behaviour, ignoring bad, setting limits etc, which I think the programme covered reasonably (not brilliantly) well. I expect the depressed woman's husband was at work most of the time, though I agree, the father's role is inadequately covered. I suppose it is hard to realise how much parents influence children, but we all believe it, or we wouldn't be so worried about it.

I've seen the disabled lady in another program - she is a fantastic role model to disabled and able bodied people. As well as being very articulate she is a great artist, I remember watching her in something where she posed naked for photographs (can anyone remember the program?).

What a astonishing lady, and such a wonderful mum.

I really enjoyed this weeks programme - and how the woman with triplets coped...erghh. But having watched it I don't want my 3 month year old to grow up..having a toddler looks like a nightmare!

Couldn't agree more, cazzybabs - unfortunately my ds is already a toddler! We enjoyed watching it - dh was feeling smug as he thought that ds wasn't half as badly behaved as most of the kids on the programme - but I did point out to him that ds is about 6 months younger than them - so we've probably got it all to come

I agree with Aloha and alexmum, I just felt so sorry for the Irish woman's little boy, left in his cot for 15 hours. Imagine not getting up till 10.30!!! Well, I used to do it now and then, but that was before I had children...(7am is a lie-in in our house, but then they do go down at 7.30pm so I think that's fair enough). Perhaps it will be better when she gets help with her depression but no wonder the poor little boy was fed up. As for the triplets, I thought they were so sweet (must try that lipstick on the forehead thing with DD) and really took my hat off to the mum, what a lot to cope with. And the disabled woman is just incredible - you are just left saying how does she do it? and her little boy was so good, crossing the road etc, she has just achieved so much, she is right to be proud of herself. Agree that the show itself is not exactly scientific, but then I'm not sure it's meant to be, more of an interesting view on parenting issues.