I'm at a loss with my 8.5yr old dd.......any advice please?

[justgivemeoneminute]

My dd is driving me insane. She's 8.5yrs old and all she does is answer back, question everything, she's horrible to her younger sister (3), horrible to me, horrible to her Dad...and yesterday she even hit me on the forearm - not hard and didn't hurt but its the fact she did it which completely shocked me and made me very angry...so I put her on the stairs and smacked her on the leg. She hit me because she would not move out of the front doorway to allow her sister through so I asked her countless times to move, which she refused to so I grabbed her by the wrist to push her along and to retaliate she hit me.

I was so disgusted with her (this was as we came home from school) I sent her to the bathroom to run a bath, I then told her after her bath she was to stay in her room until her tea was ready, she came down for her tea and I then told her to return to her room until it was time to go to bed - it was then lights out at 7pm and she slept through the night....

This morning she's ok but already I can hear a disagreement going on downstairs between her and dh and I can hear dh telling her 'you always want the last word'.

I am absolutely fed up with her ruining my evenings - I'm tired enough by the evening and its really getting me down. Its the same old routine of having to diffuse disagreements between her and her sister and me having to tell her to mind what she says, cut the attitude etc etc. I've even banned tv (Tracy Beaker is a definite no-no) and don't have a problem banning other activities if it comes to it.

Any advice? Please?

Mine is sat pushing me to my upmost limit at the minute grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

thank you www. And thank you too juule. It means alot to know that other people agree, and know what's involved, and don't just think you have it easy!

I started a thread the other night about selling my 9.5yr old daughter as she is pushing the boundaries big time at the moment. One thing that does work with her is being told that she will go to bed 15 mins earlier than usual for each time we have to remind/remonstrate with her about her behaviour/attitude/cheekiness and so on.
We are just waiting for the day when she goes back to bed before she gets up iyswim!

Have tried the talking to with respect etc and she just throws it back in my face.

I give her a milky drink before bed and let her read for half an hour but she still stays awake til 10ish.

Have taken the tv out of her room but to no avail.

Really struggling with her at the mo as i also have a 6yo son, a 9mo son and i'm expecting another girl in september. Do you think it could be a jealousy thing???

I'll give the going to bed later a go HG, thanks.

Havnt read all the post sorry , but a friend of mine banned all tv for her daughter and she is only allowed to watch dvds . She put her daughters behaviour down to Tracey Beaker and hormones . LOL

I've got to say i agree with your friend paros.
My friends little girl told her teacher to take a chill pill the other day! My friend didn't know where she'd heard this from until a few days later when she heard Tracey Beaker say it on tele.
It's so hard to know what would be good for them to watch and what wouldn't.

Yes I blame Beaker too. Kids clamouring for my attention so I can't give a considered response to this bt am very interested. I have a nearly nien year old who is very troublesome and stroppy and mean to her siblings. I also remember my big sister being like this at a certian poimt.

I thinkl much of it with my dd is hormones. I noticed she has one underarm hair and has been getting slightly smelly lately. I've bought her deoderant but obviously her behaviour is partly down to Beaker but mainly to hormones.

I too have a 9 yr old dd and she is exactly the same. and can be a right cow to her 3 yr old sister too.
I believe we must all share the same obnocious 8/9 yr old.

Yes kiansmum I think it could be partly to do with the family dynamics changing and her knowing that another girl is coming.

If you do a good bedtime routine, have taken out the TV, etc, then that's great. I do think it's worth giving a later bedtime a go, because it gives you some power in the situation; as in "Lets agree a later time, but as part of that new 'right' comes a responsibility too"....it gives you a little 'handle' on her; if she won't turn her light off at 9 or whatever then she will lose her later bedtime. Worth a go.

I know you say that you "have tried" the talking with respect thing; well keep going. What's the alternative?

It may seem as if she is throwing it back in your face but she isn't. What she is asking for from her parent is to be spoken to with respect because that is the ONLY way that she can learn how to do it back. If she does things wrong, or is rude, she needs a CONSEQUENCE to show her that she's done wrong. She doesn't need you to give up and think that talking with respect doesn't work. You're only shooting yourself in the foot if you allow yourself to think oh, it doesn't work. It really will. and I'm sure it will reap huge rewards for your long term friendship with your dd.

Of course there'll be conflict, I guess particularly with mums and girls at teenage; but don't let her force you to a place you don't want to be.

oh and would you consider/would she let you read TO her as well as letting her read at bedtime? I think this is a lovely mum and daughter time and would give her a little quiet time in the day where the atmosphere may encourage her to talk about any worries she may have. It's so easy for this sort of time to get lost in the family melee.

Thanks HG, all advice gratefully received.
I think the one to one time will definately help.
Will give it a go.