Should I be worried or am I being Paranoid.

[Arhumuk]

First time Dad here and first time post. My DS has turned 14 month today. The last two months have been very hard for me and the feeling of clinical depression felt very real Ive had to see a therapist due to my anxiety. When my son turned 12 month my wife pointed out that he he rarely responded to his name and this was a n important milestone, furthermore his eye contact was fleeting. I was conviced that he must be autistic and this became a point of contention between my wife and I which has caused immense strain in our marriage. My wofe is a Speech and Language therapist so she was conviced because of her experience our son was not autistic.

Over the last three weeks my sons behaviour has changed almost unrecognisable h=it feels he is actually engaging with us his eye contact is strong just like any other toddler his age. But he still does'nt respond to his name consistently which is a cause of concern to me it has improved i'd say he responds 30 40 percent of the time. The improvement has coincided with the emergence of his teeth as teething went on for a protracted period. But this is my only cause for concern at the moment,..

His positives far out number the negative. This is what he does do.

Walk, Fine motor skills are impressive for example he has a strong pincer grip and can hold key rings with his thumb and forefinger. Can feed himself finger food. Higfive when you ask him.

Babbles and can say Apple , mUMMY Daddy

Engaging with everyone and is aware of his environment.

Has started to display imaginative play making broom broom noises when playing with cars. Pretending a book is a car going brrom brrom with it pushing it on the floor,

Smiles and laughs is response to you smiles, loves peekaboo and incy wincy. He waves and claps

JA evidenced eg reading a book he looks at the book then looks at me smiles and then bak to the book. We were playing with a horse both looking at it then he looked at me smiles then back to the toy horse. There are other examples.

Furthermore he has since two weeks ago handing thing to me like his books a toy.

Lasty he has started pointing at thing. For example at the dinner table the warning for battery running out came up onto the tablet he pointed at it and started winging as if to say get that off. My wife was takingn him in the park and he started to point at the duck in the park. but she is not sure if he looked back at her.

So you see there are a lot of psitive but responding to his name consistently remains an issue particulalrly when he is engaged in an activity. Should I be concerned or give it a little more time before I start panicking. My wife is absolutely convinced he is not Autistic as she has worked with autistic children.

As I said 2 mnths ago I could tell there was something odd about is engagement bt recently compring him to other children his age there is little difference. And I analyse him like a hawk, which has led me to go a bit boonker.

Your advice would be appreciated.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time of late. He honestly sounds absolutely fine and lovely. I think it's worth remembering that toddlers might need a bit more processing time than an adult - so he looks at the ducks in the pond and he needs a few seconds to process what they are, what they're doing, etc, rather than looking straight back at your wife as an adult might do. Likewise, with his name, sometimes he will be absorbed in an activity and not be very interested in looking up when you call him. I am not an expert but he sounds very similar to my daughter at that age with absolutely no cause for concern.

Lots of professionals who had worked with autistic children told me that my DDs weren't. They both were. The professionals had based their view on personal experiences or working with children whose difficulties were very different from those my DDs had. It's easily done if you don't realise how much you don't know about the condition.

I would always tell a parent to follow their gut feeling, however, you're both his parents and clearly have very different instincts.

What you've described sounds like a neurotypical child but nobody can tell you whether your child's behaviour is normal from a description on an Internet forum. There are too many details and nuances that can't be communicated properly. The most important thing is that you're aware it's a possibility and can ask for an assessment if your concerns escalate.

In the meantime, try not to get so anxious about it that you forget to enjoy him.

My teenager doesn't respond to his name half the time and he is definitely neurotypical. He is also a teenager.

Are you sure that your son:

a) heard you calling
b) registered that you were calling
c) actually wanted to respond: toddlers can be very contrary and and if he senses that you are anxious around the question of his name that makes him far less likely to respond

I remember my niece being taken for a hearing test when she was 3. She arrived at the doctor's in a bad mood and every time the bleep came on she said loudly "I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING" until the nurse laughed and said they didn't think there was anything wrong with her hearing.

What you do need to watch is your anxiety, so this doesn't become a stress factor around your child. Anxiety can make you seize on to things and become obsessed with them and it would be a pity if that stopped you from enjoying your time with your child.

Thanks for your responses. Goldmandra were your DD showing JA or was this absent. My son shows it but maybe not as frequently as I would like. His motor skills both gross and fine are excellent I've read that delay in motor skills are a common sign of autism as it is a neurological disorder . Am I right in thinking this or is this misinformation? We had a peadritian look at him in Romania . On the private as the GP let us down in refering. The peadritian said he did not see anything of concern particularly noting my DS motor skills as impressive.

Goldmandra were your DD showing JA or was this absent.

Yes but I suspect that it was of a different quality to other children.

The same with gross motor skills. DD1 walked confidently at 10 months but couldn't climb onto the sofa on her 3rd birthday.

I also know that no paediatrician would have seen anything like enough for a diagnosis when they were toddlers.

I honestly believe that you need to try to put this to the back of your mind for a while. Even a full neurodevelopmental assessment by a team of highly skilled clinicians can result in an outcome that is later shown to be wrong.

Children have a habit of following their own patterns of development that don't match the books and theories. They often turn out fine in the end. My DDs both grew very slowly as babies and toddlers, to the point where failure to thrive was a concern. They both caught up with their peers around the age of 10 and are now around average height. They were just following the pattern of development that was right for them.

Autism is such a wide and varied disorder that there's no point in zoning in on one or two features. It is called a pervasive developmental disorder because there are numerous aspects to it that pervade many different areas of skills and development. Diagnosis is about an overall picture, not a tick-list of symptoms. Children with ASD are often more different from each other than neurotypical children.

If you start to feel that your son is developing difficulties that are holding him back, preventing a normal family life or causing him significant distress, that would be the time to seek support and assessment for him.

In the meantime, please concentrate on enjoying him.

Hi thanks goldmandra and everyone who has been kind enough to give me their advice. I'm going to take a chill pill. My worrying had caused a strain in my marriage. Recently as I said his engagement seems like any other child. He has a cheeky smile and a twinkle in his eyes that I felt wasn't there before.

But that feeling of doubt is still there much less though and some days it consumes me.

On a positive note he learn the word pear today.

well done him!

I think you will cope much better if you can get in the habit of identifying your own anxiety when it starts up and tell yourself "that's the anxiety, it's not actually my ds".

Autism is not some life-threatening illness that has to be identified at the first sign; even if he should be on the spectrum (which nothing you have said seems to suggest) there is time to wait until, as Goldmandra says, there are "difficulties that are holding him back, preventing a normal family life or causing him significant distress".

I’m sorry you’re feeling so anxious about this, it can be exhausting and isolating having concerns about your child.

Your DS sounds right on track - demonstrating joint attention (and the emergence of the most advanced JA - pointing) is really positive. I read somewhere that 12 month olds only pair eye contact with pointing 2% of the time (and only 20% of the time at 18 months) so don’t expect it every time. It will come.

The language development sounds great too and great fine and gross motor are also positives as some children with ASD have delays in these areas.

The pretend play is advanced :)

As for name response I’ve noticed a decrease in my 16 months name response since he turned 12-13 months. I assume it’s to do with something called ‘single channel attention’ which is explained in this article (scroll down a bit):

www.teachearlyyears.com/learning-and-development/view/learning-to-listen

I don’t think you have anything to be concerned about!

@Arhumuk I see absolutely no concerns from your description. At 14M old 40-50% name response would be considered 'a good' name response. Also, only call his name when it's genuine (where there is a reason to call him), if you over test him and call his name for no reason (more than 10 times a day) he will very soon learn how to ignore you, as there will be no reason to turn to you.

Hi

Just an update so we went to see SALT in April it was an appointment in response to our initial concerns when he was 12 months. The therapist noted joint attention through eye contact ie looking at the objects then her and back to the object in question. Her assessment concluded he did not require further attention. However he has some language delay.

He responding to his name more often of say 60-70 percent.

However my concern is that even though he started pointing at 14 months , he's not a prolific pointer. From 14 to 16 months he's pointed 12 or 13 times that I know of. Most recently last week when a pigeon landed in our garden. He pointed at the pigeon twice then looked back at me.

Same with sharing although a lot more than pointing but not as much as I would expect comparing him to his cousin (she is a girl)

Am I being silly should the fact he is pointing put my mind at rest or frequency relevant. Nursery say he's a happy baby that interacts with the other children and loves hugs.

It is not concerning, your son does not have autism, you can relax.

AladdinMum just curious, do you have any children with ASD or work with children who do etc? Not being goady, genuinely curious, as I posted a while ago about something after my son's preschool teacher asked if he'd had his hearing checked and I remember you responding.

OP you sound very like me. I've worried about ASD on and off since my DS1 was 4 months old. I do suffer with anxiety and tend to fixate on things, but knowing that doesn't always help me be rational. I relaxed a bit when he started pointing at 12 months, then again more when his speech developed very well at 18+ months, but I still worry about it on and off and he's 3.5. Any little comment (eg the above from his preschool teacher) can set my anxiety off.

The only advice I can give is please don't be like me! Some days I'm so fixated on my anxiety about DS that I can't enjoy him, it's sad for him and me. ASD is a complex condition, you only have to read the SN boards to see that it sometimes becomes apparent much later, even adulthood. I don't think you nor I should spend our children's lives worrying (easier said than done I know!). If any delays are picked up by HCP, or if you notice anything that's really concerning, then follow it up. Otherwise, try and just be in the moment with your DC.

Now if only I could take my own advice!

@Lookingforadvice123 yes, I am in the field of child development specializing in pervasive development disorders like ASD.

Wow AladdinMum interesting! Hope you find it fulfilling

@Lookingforadvice123 it is, I am constantly amazed and humbled by the achievements of these young children, some with very debilitating conditions, they are the bravest people I have ever known and true heroes.

Your son sounds totally fine and like there are no issues. I only noticed the other day that my 11 month old is responding to her name and I know from how she interacts in general that it is highly unlikely she has autism.

My 9 year old has autism and has a really happy life and is doing very well in school. He just finds it a bit harder to make friends but its not the end of the world. He has also improved a lot over the years with a bit of help.

The real thing that should concern you is that your child has an anxious dad. I know you are trying to adress this with therapy. The happiest families I know have parents who are relaxed. Its not fair on your son if you are over analysing him and fretting too much. When my son was being diagnosed I spent too much time feeling depressed and worried about it - which was a waste of time - as it turned out not to be a disaster at all!

AladdinMum I have PM'ed you, I hope that's ok. Feel free to ignore!

@AladdinMum. I hope you're well Recently my sons progress seems to be concerning me again. He points a lot more frequently now I'd say every day at least 6 or 7 times a day. He's turned 18 months on the 4th. Also sharing object with me a lot more. Pretend play is there, pretend eating from an empty bowl, making car noises when pushing his car, pretending to speak on the phone.

However his vocab has only gone up to 8 words. which he uses frequently. He also seems to learn a new word say it once and not use it again for example Dirty used it a lot for one week and stopped using it.

But most concerning is JA. The three point gaze is seldom I may catch him do it 3 or 4 times a day that I know of. Obviously im not observing him every minute but when I play with him I try to look out for it. When I compare him to his female cousin who is 5 weeks younger, her JA in terms of three point gaze is a considerably more frequent . a lot more non verbal communication through the eyes. Also he points a lot but has only looked back at me once from what i recall.

SALT wrote him off their system but I feel he isn't progressing to the level where he should be. Cognition as well following simple instructions like "give me" is a hit and miss.

I'm not sure what to make of it. It's not healthy comparing but I cant help it especially when there is such a visible difference.

Reading your posts gives me the impression that you try extremely hard to find something wrong with your child.
Stop it! You are not doing him a favour!

@Arhumuk nothing really sounds overall concerning; at 18M only 12 words are expected so he is there abouts (animal sounds, or commonly used sounds used for the same object all count as words). Between 20-24M there will be a word explosion, where he will be learning one/two new words per day - and reach about 100 words by 2YRs.

He points (and demonstrated some look-back, sometimes it is hard to notice, so it is more than likely more than just once) and he has a three point gaze, so he is displaying joint attention every single day. Comparing is not great, as there will be varying degrees to many of the required skills, some toddlers will have some skills stronger than others, and other skills weaker than others, but all within normal ranges which is what your DS seems to be demonstrating. Girls in general tend to be much more socially aware than boys (and this continues into adulthood), and tend to demonstrate much stronger social communication skills than boys - if you have to compare then compare him to another boy his age, as compared to a girl his age he will, on average, be at a disadvantage when it comes to social interaction and language.

@AladdinMum thank you for taking the time to respond. I look forward to the word explosion . Sitting here watching room on the broom with him I feel guilty thinking this way and hope it will pass. I think once he starts communicating more it 'll put my mind at ease.

Thanks

@Arhumuk it will pass, and your DS will very soon be amazing you every day with all the new skills he will be acquiring :)

@AladdinMum hi just got back from a nursery parent day. The key worker feels his eye contact isn't great and his listening is poor.

She was kind of hinting autism. But she feels if it is so then it will be very slight.
She also feels he prefers to play alone.

We will approach an ep for their opinion.

Just thought I'd keep you up dated.

I'm so fucking angry. I don't know who at. Myself, God. I have a pit in my stomach. I went to the gp she couldn't get me a refferal until late Oct. So I have booked a peadiatriciin on private. I need answers and I need to get him help

How is your therapy going? Regardless of whether your DS is autistic or not, your focus right now needs to be your own treatment for your anxiety. That is going to have the biggest impact on him right now. And I say this is a mother who is autistic and also struggles with my anxiety.