Kind and gentle ways to discourage/prevent pre-schooler aggression - any ideas?

[EBAB]

I'm fed up with ds (just three) kicking/hitting us when we say a reasonable "no", and with hitting his peers hard over toys/misunderstandings.

We're not really sure why ds is so quick to anger and aggression at the moment, though are trying to minimise any of the things we think could possibly be causing it. But how might we deal with ds's actual outbursts, in the moment, in ways that are compassionate, reasonable, and respectful to him and to us? We don't want to meet rage with rage, to withdraw love, to leave him in time-out to handle what are clearly BIG feelings (and which only transfers his aggression to damaging things instead of hurting people) - but we don't want to stay right with him only to be hit more, or for him to "get away with it".

We do lots of explaining (the rules are pretty clear, I think), understanding, talking about feelings, about using words not fists/feet, have tried encouraging punching cushions and cuddly toys instead of people, deep breaths, counting to 10 ... and we're still having days at a time with outbursts aplenty (though in fairness to ds, days at a time without, too).

So, what's left? Am I even being reasonable to expect this behaviour to be reduceable just yet, or is it yet another age thing which will pass? Anyone been there and come through with a gentle, relatively calm little boy?! (Please say yes!)

Thanks ever so much.

Oh, Califrau, forgot to acknowledge your post. Sorry you're going through this with your ds, too. It can be pretty upsetting, can't it? If it's any reassurance, I was really worried how ds would be aggression-wise when he started pre-school in April. I didn't want him to be labelled The Aggressive One. It may yet happen (nooo!)but, touch wood, he's been fine there in this respect. Whether or not pre-school itself is any good for him, I don't know, but so far, so good on the aggression front. So he must save it all for me (and dp)! Try not to worry about your ds - he may surprise you by settling in fine, and saving most of his outbursts for you, too.

We could feel crap about this, or stick with Franny's philosophy that our boys feel the most emotionally safe with us. I know which thought I'm taking to bed.

Good night, and good luck.

Good lord this doesn't sound on the extreme of normal to me, at all! I think parents are careful to hide or squash this behaviour because it is so socially unacceptable. Programs like Supernanny have given the message that any "naughty" behaviour from children must be jumped on quickly and harshly, to avoid children "getting the upper hand" and "getting out of control". So you don't see or hear much about completely natural anger and frustration.

I can't remember how long it lasted, sorry - I rarely can once it is over. I don't know if it was as intense, probably not from the sounds of it, but comparing isn't very useful I don't think. Sorry to not be very helpful on that bit - you know these things often fade as quickly as they begin...

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lovely thread.
My dd1 can be a bit fiesty. Fortunately she has a similarly fiesty friend. The two of them were rolling around and shouting over toys the other day. Her mum is fab and we only intervene if it is obvious one is getting upset.

They have a fab time together and within minutes are running about giggling.

Other chums are more stressful to meet up with as their kids are v v placid(or sometimes just sneakier than my dd) and it can get a bit much.

Come for a meet up and we can see what happens! I met Nailpolish yesterday it was lovely.

mmet up directed at Pruners as I know she is in scotland but all fiesty children welcome lol!

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oooh don't hink I could do a big one. two or three mnetters only I think.

Hope you have a good time.