Good old fashioned smacking

[heepie]

I don't believe it did me any harm and I do wonder why the previous generation, ie mine, was so much better behavied than the current, ie my kids. I find the softly softly, ignore bad reward good behaviour does not work with a strong willed child and find myself more and more thinking what was wrong with a good old smack? Peeing on the floor right in front of you with a big smile on the face surely warrants more than the removal of a star on the reward chart? And whacking little brother over the head with a heavy object? Not eating something very nice and edible that I have slaved over in the kitchen? Why must we never tell our children to eat what is in front of them when I wasn't allowed to leave the table until I was finished? I don't have an eating disorder. I think it's time I through all the modern how to bring up children books out of the window and remember how it was done when I was a child? Anyone else feel this way?

Well Greensleeves, if you are are still there, that would explain a few things. You say you've received a few, presumably as a child. My parents also smacked but I have not a single recollection of it. Maybe your anger should be directed at your parents, not those of us who know the difference between a smack and a memorable beating!

I am still here, I thought you might respond to that

I can actually boast a fair cross-section of experiences when it comes to being hit as a child by adults. Ranging from the totally out-of-control being bounced downstairs thing to very gentle and nurturing but prone to the "light tap" approach. I'm not just a vengeful fire-breathing unresolved abuse victim, much as it might suit your agenda to characterise me as one. My opinions are as reasoned and ell thought out as anyone else's.

Perhaps I just have a more acute memory than you? Or perhaps you've blocked out the more disturbing aspects of your childhood, it does happen

My memory is very good, a smack at age 2 isn't something worth remembering. One usually knows when they've had a disturbed childhood. I did not.

i can't beleive this is still going. why would anyone spend ages here trying to defend hitting their own children? i can understand when someone smacks and then feels bad about it, but to justify it? why are you justifying smacking, heepie? i'd honestly like to know.

Not justifying or recommending it. I just find it astounding that people can heap so much abuse on someone who has smacked their child as opposed to beating, or throwing them down the stairs. There are so many things that can go into shaping a child's confidence, self respect, all round happiness. I would be surprised if really, in the REAL WORLD, a little no mark leaving smack ever hurt anyone. How about feeding a child junk food so it becomes obese and faces a life of ridicule and confidence and health problems? How about having a loveless or worse, no relationship, with the child's father (or other in the case of same sex relationships). What about real child abuse in all it's forms? A smack is NOTHING.

generally i agrre with your last post heepie. but a smack isn't 2nothing"

"nothing", that is

I think there is possibly another debate (row) in here. I am wondering how parents who take a very softly sofly approach to raising their children expect their offspring to cope in the real world full of bad guys and bullies. Would you expect your child never to hit back if hurt at school for instance? There could be an arguement for the occasional smack helping to 'toughen' a child up in prep for the outside world'. I'm not advocating smacking here. I'm just posing that question.

I was 'smacked' as a child, and in pretty much the ideal way lots of you talk about it. My parents never lost their temper and just walloped me. They never punched me, or any of that. Hitting was always done reasonably calmly, and with a fair bit of warning.

It was still horrible and stupid.

I don't take a "softly softly" approach.

I do take a non-violent approach.

And TBH I would be disappointed if my dc hit anyone.

That's nice. But your children might get a shock when they meet with aggression in the playgroung.

So we should hit our children to toughen them up for the playground?

Should we mock them as well?

I take a softly-softly approach, but my sons have been in groups of kids, one way and another, for ages. They're used to normal childhood behaviour. And they know to say "no", and go away, if someone's behaving badly.

009 - i dont think that smacking or not smacking a child is going to prepare them for the playground bully.

I didn't say we should hit our children to toughen them up. I DID SAY I'm not an advocate of smacking. But this is something that I'm genuinely concerned about. My little one gets picked on sometimes at playgroup and I'm paranoid that she'll turn into a bullied victim. (To be fair I'm paranoid about a lot of things). And quite seriously I'd like her to be able to hold her own through life. I know people who pee their pants if they get a balling out at work. I'm just suggesting that seeing a little bit of aggression at home could de-sensitise and prepare you for the tough outside world. And of course I'm not talking about beatings here.

I see what you are saying, but, I dont think anything prepares or prevents a child for being bullied. All you can do is let them know they can talk to you - always.

Ok, fair enough.

Thing is, though, if a child is exposed to aggression at home, odds are, they learn that the best thing to do when faced with aggression is to give in. So aren't they more likely to give in if someone outside the home tries to hit or bully them?

My DS1 is quite assertive and confident, despite my relative softly-softly approach. (I do shout, but I regret it, and apologise, generally.)

That's a good point actually Cockney, that a victim mentality (if there is such a thing) could start in the home if mum is over dominant.

I shout too, occasionally. Actually for a couple days of each month. And I feel like such a loser for doing it. As a kid I would much rather have received a slap from my mum, which never hurt, than hear her shouting. Yeah I loathe the rage. But what to do... mum's are not robots. I'm certainly not. I'm sure no one here is the perfect mum. And even the majority who would never ever smack will still make mistakes in parenting and will probably hated by their children at one time or another. For that is the purpose of parents - someone to blame.

you might find this interesting

Just stumbled on this thread while looking for discipline - really had eyes opened. After a nightmare week, I can only think how much one smack could escalate so quickly. I'm just looking for alternatives as I know that smack doesn't achieve anything. (giant star chart next step)

To all of those who have hurled abuse on this thread, maybe you should re-read the Mumsnet Philosophy on the homepage:

The idea of Mumsnet is that by pooling knowledge and experience, parents make each other's lives easier. Please bear in mind that issues to do with raising children can be very sensitive and that everyone has the right to make their own choices when it comes to bringing up their kids. This is a discussion forum and we ask you to respect other people's right to their opinions, even if you disagree with them.

I hope no one ever hurls abuse. I would never want to do it. But we also have a duty to speak out when people break the law which is all most people are doing on here.

Some people are living in a fool's paradise of misinformation thinking English law allows you to smack your children. Usually it doesn't where it leaves a mark.

I said below the way the law shoudl be enforced and any stricter law brought in should be a bit like physical violence between husband and wife. If you get pushed over in a row most of us just put up with it and know that people lose their temper. If it gets beyond the pale we might call in the police. There are degrees of how we deal with things just like speeding on roads and points.

Course not. You've been charming.