Advice needed - I have a feeling something is not 'quite normal' with DS1 (7) - help please....

[abitworried]

I don't really know where to start with this one. We have DS1 (7.5) and DS2 (5).

DS1 has always seemed a 'challenging' and 'demanding' child - not naughty exactly, but exhausting, unrelenting and complex to understand in terms of moods swings etc.
We always assumed any issues we had with him were just normal parenting issues, but the older DS2 gets, and the more we see him developing in what seems a 'normal' way,the more 'different' DS1 seems.

What I need help and advice on is this:

• do people ever get dx for their children even if there isn't a serious issue e.g. at school etc - simply to try to understand and relate to them better?

I can't quite put my finger on what it is that worries me about DS1, but both DH and I frequently discuss the fact that something just doesn't seem 'quite right' - especially compared side by side with his peers.

Here are some of the things (good/ less good?) I'd observe about him. I'm hoping someone might give me some pointers about the type of issues/ condition etc he might have/ be on the spectrum for (even if mildly?)

+ve

• very bright/ academic across the board
• amazing memory
• highly 'scientific' brain - how things work etc
• computer game mad
• no issues particularly at school (I specifically asked his teacher) but a bit of a loner - few strong friendships
• can be babyish - silly voices etc (but that may just be because of DS2)

-ve
clumsy, unco-ordinated (is a bit in-toed, which doesn't help)

• never sits properly - likely to have his legs behind his head if on the sofa/ lies on the floor in what looks like weird contortions
• sometimes to seems to 'zone out' - is in a world of his own - almost as if he can't hear you. I suspect he has imaginary friends and 'projects himself' into fantasy stories etc
• prone to tantrums/ tears/ stropping off is he doesn't get his own way/can't do something
• fidgets incessantly - is always chewing the edge of his coat/ unpicking stitching/ examining things, tried to tie/ undo/ break etc any item within his grasp
• just seems unable to 'engage' with e.g watching sport/ team activities (but is good at drama and music)

We feel like we're finding it hard to relate to him these days, and that is worrying us. As I say though, we haven't had any reports of problems from school etc.

Does any of this sound cause for concern? What if anything, can I do?

maybe you should think about accepting him for the individual he is..... and give him a break?

This might sound really weird, but all this reminds me of my dH!!! He is a very very clever man (28), but has the classic 'maths brain'. His social skills aren't at all great (altho, obviously, I love him, we have dd, and he has friends), and he is clumsy/physically uncoordinated.

His mother tells me proudly of how when he was a kid he never needed any other children, and could amuse himself all day. Apparently he "lived inside his own head". He still does

Anyway, I am just posting to reassure you - apparently there are such broad degrees of aspergers, that quite a high proportion of the population would be diagnosed if tested (more men than women I was told).

My dh is very happy, has a great life, family etc, and lots of friends who understand that he is a bit different and love him dearly. My friends would describe him as gorgeous, talented, ambitious, brilliant and a bit odd.

There's room for all sorts in the world, after all.

Whilst you may have a point controlfreaky , in the wider scheme of things , having some sort of issue acknowledged, if appropriate, can be helpful when it comes to activities such as sport (many games teachers are still less than forgiving otherwise), doing written work requiring concentration especially in exams and so on. It can be stressful and physically tiring for some children to be put in such situations hence traits such as chewing and fidgeting or why they may "zone out" or develop fanatsy worlds which they can control more easily.

I don't think it would hurt if you used some of the techniques developed for supporting children with dyspraxia with your sons. If you encourage them to do physical play, get a wobble board, play ball games with them etc. it can only help. Do try not to show ds1 that you are disappointed in him and prefer the temperament of ds2.

You mention that he is about to start at a prep school. If there is anything going on they should pick up on it ASAP, with us within 24hours of starting a conversation was had. Ours is a dearly bonkers boy with many of the same traits, they picked up on it and work with it without going down the labelling route which can be obstructive as the child is then 'different'.
Situation is now much calmer as he knows where he is in the world and is challenged, engaged and soooooo much happier.

Agree in some ways, Ditzy, but when it goes beyond mildly bonkers behaviour, it's best not to assume that the 'label' is going to be obstructive. We believed that for a while with DS1, and delayed getting his diagnosis and his assessment for extra help for nearly a year because of it.
Label or not, DS1 really IS different. I suspect that without him to worry about, I might be much more worried about DS2!

Husbands!!! My dh (from Hartlepool...I'm American) has been desperately and unsuccessfully trying to teach ds how to drink beer and fight quite literally since he was born. Dd has picked it up quite well.

I moved back to the USA when Ds was school age because I didn't think he would be able to be himself in the fairly rigid English school system. While in the UK he had a fairly worrying experience in nursery at our local state school where they kept fussing about his mind wandering and poor teacher couldn't get her head around when ds would do things differently than the instructions he had been given. He would be told to write put a series of numbers in order and he would put them backwards....when asked why he would say that he was bored with putting them forward. And when they got this fancy new wall projector system he was so busy figuring out how it worked that he didn't learn anything that was projected on it for weeks.

Ds occasionally gets picked on at school, but I have worked hard to encourage relationships with the parents of children that seem to be on his planet and I think that it will get better as he gets older. Dh is also beginning to understand that ds is destined for great things even if he isn't going to achieve them in the traditional way. Maybe a little campaign to point out all your ds' great points to your dh might be in order. Also, I haven't read it, but several of my friends have read the biography of Einstein that's currently out and have all said that it makes them think of ds and his behavior. You may want to encourage your dh to read it.