URGENT. Please advise on "racist" comment by DD

[appyday]

When DH dropped DD1(nearly 3) at nursery today they told him that on Friday a little black lad was looking round and DD was heard to say "go home blackie" twice. Am so ashamed to even write it down. Well she was taken off to one side and asked where she heard it, at first she said at nursery, but they said nobody ever uses that kind of language, so then she said it was Nanny. Now my MIL would not offend ANYONE, so I think DD was really worried about being in trouble so used Nanny as a responsible adult.So,any ideas how to tackle 1)causing offence and racism 2)why we have different colour skins with a 2 year old. Her language skills are v.good for discussion purposes, but she is not the 5year old she sounds like. She doesn't even know what an insult is! HELP HELP HELP, she's due home at 6pm. Sorry so long.

Sorry, I haven't read all of this thread.

I don't think your daughter is racism. The worrying bit that I would takle were it my daughter is the "go home". and not the blackie.
I think the blackie is descriptive, the go home was said to upset.

I'd have a chat with her in terms she can understand. Make it simple.

Mummy's got brwon hair, Granny's got grey hair, Daddy blonde. We're all different, we're all nice. Can you spot any other differences? Everybody is different, everyone is special.

I've had to have this conversation with my daughter at about the same age, it worked a treat.
Beforehand I read somewhere that it's fine to discuss the differences so long as everybody gets praised.

Before you start spinning on the go home, at this age I'd bet my bottom dollar it's no worse than a "you're not my friend" said by a three year old.

Yes...can also recommend 'all kinds of people'

Myy DD has Sn's and I'm going to have to start getting my head round answering some akward questions myself one day soon, or helping the parents answer them

appyday, if you are sure she has not heard this from the circle of people she associates with then i would let it go. If you make something of it she will associate this little lad with being in big trouble. I too would be absolutely mortified and this reminds me of my BIL who uses the N word in front of his children, totally unacceptable! ignorant fuckwit! But thats another story. If i were in your shoes, i would maybe make a point of trying to get DD to befriend the little boy when he starts at the nursery, maybe have him round for tea or something to bring home the point that we are all the same, and all different, and, oh, im not putting this very well am i, but you know what i mean.

I have had this discussion with my oldest son, on more than one occasions and at different levels.

We lived in india for a while from when he was 2, and at the time he did not notice that everybody was a lot darker than us, not until we came back home. And that was quite embarassing because we were in a coffee shop at a shopping centre, and he ran off, and he came back dragging a big security guard, who had very dark skin. He shouted at the top of his voice "MUMMY look what I found, he is black" Everybody staring at this little extremely blonde boy....

Now recently after he started school, he came home telling me he didnt want to be friends with this and that boy, because they had such dark skin. I was first shocked, but then I saw it as him actually questioning why they look different, rather than him judging on their skin tone. I took out the pictures from India and showed him photographs of himself playing with, having fun with, being cared for by local people, and also of him at home with friends from India visiting. I told him, look, I am blonde, you are blonde, they have dark skin because where they come from they need dark skin to protect from the strong sunshine. They are your friends and we all really like eachother." etc I did not go into racism, just that everybody look different, blue eyes, green eyes, brown hair, blond hair, red hair, and we are all friends and nice to eachother. I think it worked, as he has now made friends regardless of their skin colour, and his "girlfriend" is mixed race and in is opinion the most beautiful girl in the world.

I agree with the others, a 3 year old is not racist. She is either just echoing what she has heard (and you should try find out where from, but without quizzing her about it) or perceiving he looks different to her and just said " go home" as in leave me (or the toy) alone. Somebody could have said "go home" to her! I am surprised the nursery staff has made such a point about this being racist, clearly they should know a 3 year old cant possibly racist. In my opinion, what goes on in the nursery should be dealt with there, you cant reasonably bring it up with her and ask her about what she meant , most likely she has no clue. But find a book about how we are all different, and read it and talk about it, to pre empt any further issues. Good luck

Lots of ideas! Feel more now.Really good shout on noticing differences more than similarities. This is often seen to be a no-no as we are pressured not to comment on anyone who is different to ourselves- taller shorter fatter thinner blacker whiter etc.DD wil love trying to find a difference in every one she sees so I expect to be quite for the next week or so.

appyday, if she's a bright little girl, she could have picked it up literally anywhere, from any context.

I (personally) would tell her that the term is 'not allowed.' At nearly three she will easily grasp the concept of 'forbidden' things. Tell her it's naughty .. or whatever word you usually use in similar (although not so upsetting) situations.

Surely the point is that to explain that it's not kind to say "go home" and that it''s rude to comment on someone's appeareance. It sounds racist true but "gingernut" or "spotty" wouldn't be on either.

The best thing of all, is that you're obviously going to do your best to bring her up to appreciate the differences between people - she's got a great family - wouldn't it be dull if we were all the same!