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Original poster

URGENT. Please advise on "racist" comment by DD

34 replies

appyday · 13/06/2007 15:38

When DH dropped DD1(nearly 3) at nursery today they told him that on Friday a little black lad was looking round and DD was heard to say "go home blackie" twice. Am so ashamed to even write it down. Well she was taken off to one side and asked where she heard it, at first she said at nursery, but they said nobody ever uses that kind of language, so then she said it was Nanny. Now my MIL would not offend ANYONE, so I think DD was really worried about being in trouble so used Nanny as a responsible adult.So,any ideas how to tackle 1)causing offence and racism 2)why we have different colour skins with a 2 year old. Her language skills are v.good for discussion purposes, but she is not the 5year old she sounds like. She doesn't even know what an insult is! HELP HELP HELP, she's due home at 6pm. Sorry so long.

OP posts:
Budababe · 13/06/2007 15:40

I think you just calmly tell her that it is not nice to say such things. At her age though she is not being racist. She is commenting on what she sees.

NAB3 · 13/06/2007 15:43

I very much doubt that there were any racist undertones to your child's intention. Blackie to her is a way of describing someone, she could have just as easily said go home reddie to someone with red hair. I wouldn't get too over the top with this. My son, age 6, asked why one of the news readers had chocolate brown skin and my daughter pointed out someone with bright red hair yesterday. It is a descriptive term, not a racist one.

fireflyfairy2 · 13/06/2007 15:43

Where did she hear it at though?

My dh said ffs today & ds [2.6] said it right after him!!

So they copy what they hear.

I think I'd want to get to the root of the problem asap.

How did she even know to say "go home" It's all very sad.

BrothelSprouts · 13/06/2007 15:44

I agree with NAB3.

Marne · 13/06/2007 15:47

Sorry im that a 3 year old would say that, are you sure she was'nt miss herd?

I think its best to try and explain to her that you cant say this to people and its wrong, but it's very hard to explain and expect her to understand as she is only 3. Kids tend to say what they are thinking.

fireflyfairy2 · 13/06/2007 15:54

I would feel v.uncomfortable if my child told anyone to "go home". Whether they were black, had red hair, had purple tatoos etc...

NAB3 · 13/06/2007 15:54

If you make too big a deal about it being wrong it will make it a bigger issue and then she may say it for attention.

Tanee58 · 13/06/2007 15:55

ooh poor you. Speaking as a British Asian with a half English dd, I can see both sides of this! It really hurt when I heard comments like that as a child - especially as I was born here! If she's nearly 3 & bright as she sounds, I would just talk to her about how different people have different skin tones and can't help it. Try explaining that when people's families come from very hot countries, their skins are darker to help keep their bodies safe from the sun - just as you put a hat, clothes or sun cream on her when it's hot. Just say that there's nothing good or bad about different colours, just like there are different types of bird, dogs, etc, and explain that it might make the child sad. Perhaps say to her something like, 'you have blue eyes and I have brown, but we both belong in this place because it is our home.'

You say tell her that some people don't like people who are different, and say things to hurt them, but that she and her family wouldn't do that because you are nice people.

The hard bit is finding out where she really heard the phrase - without making too big a thing out of it. If it WAS a family member, you'll need to address that. If she heard it on TV that'll be easier.

lulumama · 13/06/2007 15:56

she cannot be racist, she is 3

maybe she didn;t like this boy, and told him to go home, as in go away, i don;lt want you here....and would have said that regardless of skin colour....?

hard not to project our adult sensibilities onto this

BrothelSprouts · 13/06/2007 15:57

She probably told him to "go home" because he had a toy she wanted to play with or something.
As in, "I want you to leave nursery and go home, so I can play with it".
If she hasn't heard any racist comments from anyone, how can she say racist comments at the age of 2?

BrothelSprouts · 13/06/2007 15:57

x post lulu

Troutpout · 13/06/2007 15:57

don't think there was racist motive at all...she was simply being a tinchy bit of a meanie (as all little ones are at times).She was merely being descriptive...and the choice of the words 'Go home' with the word was merely unfortunate rather than anything more sinister.
Obviously have the talk about not being mean how she wouldn't have liked it if... blah blah blah...and also the talk about how everyone is different (and equally gorgeous of course).Maybe buy some books ...point out different colour skins on childrens tv etc. I don't think you have to really have to go over board with the concept of racism though..or make a big issue of it.

Tanee58 · 13/06/2007 16:02

It's the 'go home' bit that worries me - I don't think it's casually descriptive. It rings too true as the sort of stupid racist comment that stupid adults might use. Of course she's not racist - she's just imitating a phrase she's heard - but she needs to be told that it's not a nice one without making too big an issue of it.

ThomCat · 13/06/2007 16:02

long term I'd buy her the book 'all kinds of people', go to the library and find books about other cultures. don't sy why, just gently show her that we live in a multicultural society and that it's wonderful. Don't ram it, or try and teach her, just make sure her eyes are open to it and gently show her that it's natural and wonderful to live alongside different cultures.

How about buying her ethnic dolls?

Original poster
appyday · 13/06/2007 16:04

Thanks for comments. I think too that she may have been saying as she saw it with skin colour, although in the past she has always described them as light or dark brown or v.v.brown.As for go home bit I can guess at tv,or news on radio?Although DH is inclined to believe her 1st answer of nursery. Got any ideas for simple explanation of different skin colours? (Also having problems with what is God, but that'sfor another headache, sorry, day)

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 13/06/2007 16:06

skin colours - perhaps along what I suggested?

ThomCat · 13/06/2007 16:07

Discuss the similarities of being different

Children do not judge based on the differences of others unless they are taught prejudice. Children ask questions out of curiousity. Remind children that each person has the same similarity: we are all different. Discussing these differences will help children to understand that everyone is different, including themselves.

Learn by science

Science can help to explain the differences in skin color. Teach in a method comprehendable for children. For example, explain what melanin is and the varying colors caused by more or less melanin. Also, explaining that the sun can effect the color of one's skin is another idea. Children accept that the sun is part of nature and they are probably familiar with sunscreen and the look of a tan or sunburn.

Create Activities

Involve children in activities to help answer their own questions. Here are some examples:

Have children draw pictures of their families using crayons/markers for their skin color, and post all pictures in the same area.

Tell a story about a boy and girl with different skin colors. Explain how they came from different places, and give an explanation for why their skin is lighter or darker.

Cut out pictures of diverse people and make a collage.

Read a book to the children that deals with differences. (I.E. All the Colors We Are, by Katie Kissinger; 1994, Redleaf Press).

Original poster
appyday · 13/06/2007 16:08

Thomcat and Tanee58 great ideas, thanks. Go home could be literal she doesn't like boys at the moment

OP posts:
Troutpout · 13/06/2007 16:10

Do you mean the science behind it?...bit confused
How would you describe your own skin colour?...start with that one. Also talk about eye colour and hair colour...talk about people you know. ie...Aunty Louise has quite pale pinky skin doesn't she?...or Daddy has brown eyes. xxx has red hair. Say we get our eye/skin/hair colours from our mummies and daddies. Talk about why her eyes are brown or blue.. where she got that from.
You need to make sure that she doesn't just see other people as different...but that she is different too that's all

ThomCat · 13/06/2007 16:11

I think it's far more likey she meant 'go home to your house' as in just go away. I really can't believe she would have heard that from anyone and copied it. Even so, maybe a good time to be aware of a possible potential problem and act now.

Just gentley teach her about other cultures. Take your time and don't panic or stress.

ThomCat · 13/06/2007 16:12

It is not unusual for a child to ask why someone has a different skin color than they do. If your child asks you why her friend has dark skin, see this as a teachable moment. Even if you may be more comfortable not answering the question, ignoring this moment will send the message that he or she should not talk about differences. Instead, acknowledge the friend's darker skin. Depending on the child's age you may simply say, "Yes, Ashanti does have darker skin than you do. Just like you got your lighter skin color from your parents, Ashanti got his darker skin color from his parents."

tortoiseSHELL · 13/06/2007 16:14

It could just be descriptive - dd calls her shoes her 'pinkies' and ds1's shoes his 'blackies'. Along with 'booties', 'coaties' etc etc

My children do describe people in terms of their skin colour sometimes - dd refers to 'Gabriel with the brown skin' at playgroup to differentiate him from 'Gabriel with the white skin and the wurly curly hair'. But it's nothing racist - it's simply a means of identification. I've never made any comment about comments like that, because I don't want my children aware that you CAN be racist - atm it wouldn't occur to them to regard people differently. That's something we can talk about later if they come up against racist behaviour.

ThomCat · 13/06/2007 16:16

? Why is my skin darker than those kids over there??
By age three, children are becoming very aware of how other people differ from them. In attempting to be politically correct, caregivers will sometimes steer the conversation toward the topic of similarities, but this might send a message that something is wrong with having skin of a different color. A child may simply need to know that skin color is something we are born with, just like hair and eye color, and that they are correct in noticing that people are different colors. Don?t be afraid to mention race and ethnicity and to teach your child the words used to describe people?s physical differences and backgrounds: black, white, Pakistani, Italian, Chinese, African-American, Asian, etc. Diversity is a good thing!

ThomCat · 13/06/2007 16:19

I have this book - it's very simple, fun and very good all kind of peopl ]]

Other books for Children

? Whoever You Are, by Mem Fox
? All the Colors of the Earth, by Sheila Hamanaka
? Why Am I Different? by Norma Simon, Dora Leder
? All the Colors We Are: The Story of How We Get Our Skin Color, by Katie Kissinger, Wernher Krutein
? The Colors of Us, by Karen Katz
? It's Okay To Be Different, by Todd Parr
? The Brand New Kid, by Katherine Couric
? A Rainbow of Friends, by P. K. Hallinan
? Someone Special, Just Like You, by Tricia and Photographs by Ortiz, Fran Brown
? Some of My Best Friends Are Polka Dot Pigs, by Sara Anderson
? Different Just Like Me, by Lori Mitchell
? Who's in a Family? by Robert Skutch, Laura Nienhaus
? The Family Book, by Todd Parr