Please help - am begining to despise my 9 month old ds2!

[wediblino]

My 9 month old ds2 is a very demanding baby and his behaviour is impacting on every aspect of our family life. My husband and I have not slept in the same bed for over 6 months and my ds1 (6 years old) is becoming resentful of his brother and the amount of time his brother sucks out of our family life. DS2 has never slept through the night and will only sleep if he is on top of me (he is a breastfed baby). The sleeping on top of me is true of day time naps as well as night time sleeping. If I put DS2 to sleep in his cot at 7 he will wake every 15 minutes until I finally concede defeat and go to bed at 9.30 to spend the entire evening pinned down by a wriggly baby. He will accept no other comfort and will not settle for my husband. He also wants to be on me or in extremally close proximity to me all day - if I leave his eye sight for a second he disolves into fits of distraught sobbing! He screams and shouts for attention all day and I am finding his demands intolerable. He seems so unhappy and anxious all the time and this is making me feel guilty as I can't stand to see him this way. I am verging on going insane - I want some space!! I want to be able to spend time with other people without this little tyrant demanding 100% attention all the time! Just feel like a failure! Please, any help with what to do with regards to super clingy, no sleeping monster of a ds2 wil be SO welcome!

The main reason that I haven't tried CC is that I have demonised my DS2 in some respects and convinced myself that it won't work because he will just fight and fight and fight it (which I DO think he will but that's the wrong attitude really!)
The clinginess in the day seems to be getting worse and like I mentioned earlier I feel so guilty as he seems so anxious and upset and tense all the time - I just want him to be happy!! Thanks for all your suggestions - will look into the idea of a sleep councillor as well.

wediblino, do eliminate medical causes. Just wanted to say that this is quite a tumultous age for a baby - loads of things happening in their life, like teething, starting to crawl/walk, starting to take more solids, separation anxiety. Combine that with a less laid back personality, and everything goes to pot.

The clinginess could be due to his being about to hit developmental milestones. He is thrilled and scared at the same time. Also, he has just realised that with his increasing mobility, he can move away from you and lose you . That is why separation anxiety starts. He is beginning to realise about the big world - exciting yet frightening.

I know what you mean about not trying cc because you are convinced it won't work. It is your mother's instinct about your ds' nature. I see how strongly my dd and ds protested everything and how worked up they got, it is no wonder they are probably not a good candidate for cc, at this age.

Please don't feel like a failure. Trust me, your ds may not be the most convenient at this stage, but this "anxiety" will translate into persistence, strong mindedness, sociability and liveliness, when he is older.

My dd is still bl__dyminded at 3.8, but she is also funny, a sheer delight - gives (and demands, lol) cuddles like you would not believe it. Some mothers long for this from their children. You are lucky, just have to get through the hard part.

The good news is that your ds2 will only get better - although it might get worse before it gets better. Toddlerhood will be a breeze, hth

if you are thinking of cc, perhaps one thing you might want to try first is to get ds2 to settle at night lying down on your dh. Try with you lying next to dh, and if that does not work, with you leaving the room.

My ds will cry, but sometimes it does work after 10 mins. Gives you a much needed rest at night, even if only for an hour

Bluseshoes - thank you! That's such a lovely way of looking at things - especially like the idea of him being excited yet scared at the thought of taking his first leap into the wider world. The thing with lack of sleep and feeling suffocated by your child is that it clouds your ability to be able to look at things in a more pragmatic, gentle way - I just seem to get cross with him all the time!! DS1 (6) was a joy at this age but then I'd had to go back to work after 4 and a half months so he was used to the idea of being without me wheras I am taking a year off with ds2. You are right - it will ease - it can't get any bloody worse!

might cranial osteopathy help him to relax?

Don't really know anything about it - do you have any experience of it working?

When you put him in the cot to sleep perhaps you might want to try putting in one of your nighties (or some other piece of clothing). My friend found her dd settles when she had something she could smell her from IYSWIM?

hi there,
2 things: we did cranial osteopathy with our boy, who was a very clingy, demanding baby who i was despising...i do sympathise....especially cos he was a nightmare with sleeping and grumpy all the time. i think it helped, my partners not so sure.

but what we tried BEFORE cc, was the babywhisperer, tracey hogg stuff: pick up put down to get him to sleep, and also following a routine, not led by the clock but by HIS signs...so he usually seemed to get tired about 3 hrs after being awake, so we put him down for a nap then, etc.
having some routine, and showing him we loved and cared for him BUT we had boundaries has made him a still boisterous, but charming and gregarious and loving, secure baby!
he now sleeps in his own room, his own cot, 2 naps a day (not always long enough!) and through the night sometimes, other times waking once or twice. he is 8.5 mths.
i didnt believe for a minute that pick up put down would work...my baby only went for naps with me or my partner, and even then didnt sleep well. the idea is your teach them to go to sleep on their own, but when they cry you comfort them...so its not as harsh as cc. it can take ages apparantly, but for us, the very first night we tried it, we got more sleep than in the month previous!
what helped me was thinking that i was helping him, not hurting him, that the gift of independent sleep was a brilliant one, and i was also teaching him i would come when he needed me, but that he didnt need me all the time.
good luck.

oh, theres a website you can find answers on: think its www.babywhisperer.com, or buy the books. i am such an advocate now! saying that, im too lazy to do the whole thing by the book, but the bits we've taken really have worked for us, and if someone had given me this advice i would have been furious cos i really thought my baby would never learn this quick.
there is light at the end of the tunnel!

wediblino make sure you relax fisrt before you try anything as he'll be sure to pick up on any nervousness and play up especially well that night!!

i viewed cc as saying no to an older lo, (even if you don't agree with needing to say no) at some point in their life you are going to upset them (ie something not going their way) and have to for their own good and that's how i decided cc was right.

friend of mine had cranial osteopathy for her ds and throughly recommended it (not sure the reasons behind it though).

nappyaddict "am quite honoured you know who i am to know it doesn't sound like me! "
i only meant that from other posts in threads (and must admit i had a look at your lovely photos from the thread that included the one about being sat in the kitchen bowl) i thought what a happy mum you sounded, very relaxed.

i think anyone with experience of this age of baby will tell you it's demanding and tiring, they get frustrated, need mummy's reassurance, are teething, have allergies etc etc.

have you support? i think if you here from others what you are experiencing is not unusual and a phase it will help you cope with what you are experiencing.
babies pick up on stress, so if you are worried/stressed out not being able to pacify him, he'll pick up on it and play up all the more. children are such delights!!

keep trying all the wonderful things you are doing with him, they will work (at some point!!)

I am going the a similar thing wih mt DS and coming out the other side.

Firstly, please realise this will not be forever, your life is not over, you WILL come through the other side and sleep again/feel better soon.

Secondly (and this may not work for everyone), I try and respond and reassure DS during his clingyness, give him as much attention as possible (not easy as I have 3 others), distract him with a toy/bunch of keys and then disappear when he is not looking. At the momentI bedshare in the spare room, I know this wont be forever.

ALso, make sure your DH helps you. If the baby cries with him, don't go straight to him, let your partner learn how to sooth your DS.

I am not into controlled crying but at one point I tried it with DS2. I set a timer for 10 mins and if he was still crying after 10 mins I knew he was upset and went to him. Most of the time he fell asleep after a long 5 mins.

Prob not much help to you I know!

gosh poor you

I know the idea is horrible but I would go the strict routine and CC route. We did this with ds1 (for sleeping through the night) and within 2 or 3 nights he gave up the screaming completely.

You need to look at it positively. Is he happy? Are any of you happy? Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a baby who would easily go down into HIS COT on his own while awake and fall asleep naturally. Do you still want this when he is 4?!

All the info you've given has been of huge help! Went and made an appointement with a cranial osteopath today and have allready had my 1st consultation (thought I'd bite the bullet!!) She said that she could feel tension in my ds2 head - prob due to the fact that he was 2 weeks overdue and had a v.rapid birth. She was of the opinion that she could help so we'll wait and see!! It's just so reassuring to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel! In less tense moments I do try and bombard my ds2 with love and attention during the day so that he can feel less anxious about not being around me - however, when I am knackered I get cross too quickly and end up being distant with him . However, he was put down at 7 this evening and despite having woken twice allready he is still in his cot alone and I am downstairs on mumsnet so fingers crossed!!

dull old boring routine, my 4.5 month old was like this, in bed all the time, a sod a naps, but I did the same thing every day for 2 weeks eg: nap in cot at the same time each day, feed at same time, same way of putting him to bed. It was HENOUS, he screeched and fought it, but we remained calm and kept going back in to reassure him etc and he got better every days, by minutes at a time, eg: 3 mins better, then 4 then 5. Not really CC, more constant reassurance that we were still here and he was ok. He is now much better and happier and more relaxed as he is sleeping better, he wakes about 1-2 times a night. And will sleep for about 45 mins in the morning, 70 mins at lunch and 30 mins in the afternoon and is in bed at 6.30pm. Go for it, you will feel better and he will fell better, you gotta crack it honey for all your sakes. xx

RnBee - that's the biggest question! And no, none of us are happy with the current situation. DS2 seems so unhappy and it fills me with guilt and sadness. After all, I am meant to be the one that makes his life lovely and he seems so so unhappy at 9 months which kills me! If I could just view cc as a means to an end then maybe I could do it! Also, if I could have a guarantee that it would work that would help!!

PS - cranial excellent too, DS1 and DS2 both went, fast early births for both, DS1 watches cartoons on the sofa from 6.30pm - 7pm when I put the babe to bed, then DS1 (aged 5) has a bath and we do lots of talking for about 30 mins which has really helped his annoyance at his crying baby brother. I also think that you like me have 2 boys about 5 years apart and for me I felt very overhwlemed by the need of the new baby after leaving all the baby bit behind 4 years ago and my 5 year old being so easy to be with and do stuff and I think that is where I felt claustrophobic and suffocated at first by the babies need for me, but that is what they need. I don't know why DS2 is so climngy and he cried when I leave the room and grins and coos when I am back, I try to have a good hour in the AM and PM where we really play and hug and I talk to him, jusr me and him, no chores or stuff to do, then I feel like he's had me one on one and I can then put him in his gym/high chair/bouncer whilst I whizz around the house doing stuff. It's HARD I know, but just want to say that I know where you are coming from! xx

my son was like that (he's 7 now, so my memory is a bit shaky here!!) I just remember that i couldn't put him down, it was very draining, and he didn't sleep either. I seem to remember that 10 months was the turning point. We did do some controlled crying. I was very reluctant too, but after reading up on it loads i decided to give it a go. I think the trick is to do it at the right time, and it did work. I feel for you - i really do. I always felt that some babies just have a longer time being away from the comfort of being inside mum. Good luck - it will get better!!

I did cc crying with my ds as he just would not be put down at night at all and it worked very quickly. He has always been a brilliant sleeper since then and has always needed lots of sleep. I read 'toddler taming' for advice and found it very helpful. When I did cc I just left him for a minute to begin with and built up very gradually.

Lots of people have mentioned that 10 months seems to be a changing point with regards to behaviout....let's hope so!

10 months was the turning point for me but in a bad way. he suddenly got worse!

have tried playing with him then running away when he isn't looking but as soon as he realises starts screeching.

i have my mum to help me sometimes but no one else really and i only know a few people with children - all of whom are older than ds and aren't really clingy at all.

i am almost considering putting him in a nursery or childminders to give me a break but i don't work days so this seems incredibly lazy of me.

Sorry if I am repeating what someone else has said, but re the controlled crying, have you considered doing the Tracy Hogg, Baby Whispere routine - it is firm, but not as severe as the standard cc.
I never needed to do it, becasue ds was a very good sleeper fromt he start, but I always like her firm but gentle and loving approach - just a thought.

nappyaddict, no, no, not lazy. Put ds in a nursery/cm. Dd was bf, clingmonster but took to nursery to my utter surprise. There was so much going on she forgot to fuss. sad to say, our dcs can be extra clingy around their mums, but more adventurous with their dads or other carers. Give it a go - don't be fazed by the 5 min grief at dropoff. Give yourself a well-deserved break

it all sounds so familiar, my dd is 5.5 months and has always been quite clingy and wanted to be held a lot. Over the last month though it has got loads worse and now she will not let me put her down at all, I'm lucky if I get 10 mins of her sitting on the bed in the morning and maybe 10 mins in her chair, but after that she just wants to be standing up with me holding her, or being walked round in my arms - sitting down in my arms just will not do . Its so bloody tiring, I have exactly the same emotions though, I feel so angry with her and then I feel guilty and then I just feel sad, this is not how I thought motherhood would be. I worry that my stress is making her worse. Today I booked an appointment with a cranial oesteopath - so wediblino I will let you know how it goes. She is so gorgeous though and just soo cute and when she is in a good mood (when I am holding her!) and is all smiley she just makes my heart melt. Luckily her sleeping is not too bad, sometimes she sleeps through and just in the last two weeks she has taken to having daytime naps in her cot, but this is only through a lot of persistence on my part and leaving her to cry for 10 mins at times. But now she goes down with only a couple of mins crying. She also despises her car seat! I am going back to work in 2 months and have really been worrying about nursery - that they will just get fed up of her and leave her to cry

i don't think ds would cry at drop off. its not me he's clingy to as such. for instance if me and my mum are in the room with him if i get up and leave as long as my mum is still there with him holding him and he's not left alone he won't cry, although he does sometimes.

i just don't what i'd do with myself if i put ds is childcare and i didn't have work to go to! inthe house and blue do you go to work the days they are in nurser/a\t the cm?