Please help - am begining to despise my 9 month old ds2!

[wediblino]

My 9 month old ds2 is a very demanding baby and his behaviour is impacting on every aspect of our family life. My husband and I have not slept in the same bed for over 6 months and my ds1 (6 years old) is becoming resentful of his brother and the amount of time his brother sucks out of our family life. DS2 has never slept through the night and will only sleep if he is on top of me (he is a breastfed baby). The sleeping on top of me is true of day time naps as well as night time sleeping. If I put DS2 to sleep in his cot at 7 he will wake every 15 minutes until I finally concede defeat and go to bed at 9.30 to spend the entire evening pinned down by a wriggly baby. He will accept no other comfort and will not settle for my husband. He also wants to be on me or in extremally close proximity to me all day - if I leave his eye sight for a second he disolves into fits of distraught sobbing! He screams and shouts for attention all day and I am finding his demands intolerable. He seems so unhappy and anxious all the time and this is making me feel guilty as I can't stand to see him this way. I am verging on going insane - I want some space!! I want to be able to spend time with other people without this little tyrant demanding 100% attention all the time! Just feel like a failure! Please, any help with what to do with regards to super clingy, no sleeping monster of a ds2 wil be SO welcome!

Have you spoken to your health visitor?
(Mine was useless BTW but it is a good first port of call)

It must completely drain you all of this..

Have you tried carrying him about in a ring sling or similar? This can be very soothing for clingy ones.

Thanks for your messages - health visitor just mentions controlled crying which I have always been reluctant to do - although I am beginning to consider it as something has to change! We do have a sling which I do use during the day but as he gets heavier I am finding it more of a strain!

Oh dear, firstly you are probably posting because his clinginess is peaking right now. Many normal nine-month olds are at the peak or near the peak of their separation anxiety - it will get better. In the meantime, what happens in the day? Can you get him used to sleeping and waking at certain times (ie the dreaded routine!). My ds was a terrible, terrible sleeper up until the age of your ds. Awful. Woke all the time and stayed awake. I know what it is like to feel desperate. What helped was getting him up at the same time every day - I mean waking him up if I needed to at 7am, then getting him off to sleep on the dot of 10am (very Gina Ford, I'm afraid). If he won't sleep then in a cot (my ds needed a grobag and a dummy to do it at this age) then take him for a walk well bundled up. Then I got him sleeping again at lunchtime. He seemed to really need this - he became MUCH happier and more relaxed. I honestly think he'd been tired himself a lot of the time before. He needed more sleep. Then I started spacing the night feeds (needed my dh to help with this) so I wasn't feeding between say, midnight and 4am to start with then stretching that until she was going all night (you might want to keep a late feed in there). I also needed my dh to help me get some sleep - ie we did shifts 10pm - 3am and 3am to 8am - so we could each feel we'd get at least five hours of real sleep, which helped alleviate that awful sick feeling at night when you truly dread going to bed. During the day, while your older son is at school do stuff like baby massage or swimming with him, so you get lots of one on one and close physical contact which he wants and needs, but you also get out and have adult company. Make sure he isn't hungry (I found my ds was really 100% times worse if he was hungry - he still gets very emotional if hungry or thirsty and he's five now). Then when all that was accomplished, we did some controlled crying with him, which worked like a dream, it really did. Hardly any crying, and he started sleeping all night, which absolutely transformed our lives! He was much happier too. I think babies need sleep too - at least, I know mine did.
Good luck! I have a feeling you are going through the worst right now, and things will get better, particularly if you can get a bit of routine and some regular naps going. My dd (second child) is much more flexible in every way than ds and didn't need it. With ds, the minute I started clock watching and running him to a routine, he was 100% happier.

These are the best slings I've found - comfy and non-strenuous for little and big babies.

Thanks aloha - I'm clinging on to the hope that he will just sort hmself out - the latest fantasy is that his circadian rhythyms haven't settled yet and they magically will by 10 months upon which he will suddenly start sleeping through! Am fairly regimented with the naps in the day - perhaps I need to be more so. Like you say, ,I feel that DS2 is very unhappy due to lack of sleep and possibly this is making hime more clingy?

hi, poor you! i don't like the idea of controlled crying either, but i do always think if they're tired, they'll sleep. so if you have had an active day, and you put him in his cot, he should settle fairly quickly. i remember how funny it is when baby has fallen asleep in your arms and you're trying to put him down in his cot gently, without waking him. the things we do for a bit of peace!

i try to spend lots of time outside. does ds sleep in his pushchair? if so, make the most of that time. go into a cafe as soon as he drops off and get yourself a big coffee and read a book or something. you need some time for yourself!

and remember that they change so very quickly, you'll be onto the next phase very soon, which will bring a whole new set of challenges. and once he's walking he'll get more tired and should sleep better. try not to get stressed. these things sort themselves out in the end. good luck! x

ps how long are you planning to breastfeed? if you could get him to take a bottle (either formula or expressed breast milk) then you could leave him while you went out for a much-needed evening out?

I do think it might help to be proactive - ie get those wake times and naps really sorted - in the pushchair maybe, but really ideally in his cot so you get a break. And by naps I mean not actually lying on you which must be driving you crackers, no matter how gorgeous your son is. I know people will say, 'oh when he is 13 you will be sorry he no longer falls asleep on you', but I remember the utter joy of having two hours in the day of peace and knowing that my ds would happy when he woke.
I found more sleep made my ds much happier and more secure and settled. He almost never cried.
I would recommend, waking him same time every day (7amish), going out in the morning for a blast of sunshine (school run?) then watch for signs of tiredness and trying to get him to sleep right away at the same time every day (9.30/10am) for a short nap (30mins to hour) then activity and lunch and back to sleep in the afternoon if at all possible. I let my ds cry a bit at naps - I'd put him down, and go and make a cup of tea, and I'd only go up again if he was still crying by the time the tea was made. He almost never was (but he did have a dummy). Then wake him by 2.30 - 3pm - do school run etc. Back to bed by 8pm.
If he really protests at naps you could do cc if you can bear it, or take him out for a walk. My ds just loved his naps in the end. All children are different though - my dd has only just started sleeping properly in teh afternoon at the age of two! She lies on the sofa under a blanket for up to two hours. But she is a lot less needy and high demand and sleeps better than ds.

Ds sleeps fantastically now though! All night.

It sounds like you really need to get him to sleep in his cot. With a good night's sleep, he will be a much happier baby and you will be a much happier/patient/etc mum. CC is really not such a bad thing, especially in view of how dramatically better your life will be when he starts sleeping by himself, in his own cot.

I totally agree with Aloha, a bit of routine and controlled crying will work wonders for your baby and your family life.

I did it regardless of the odd theories around MN! It is hard at the beginning but worth it!

Good luck with it!

I agree - get the sleeping sorted out so you at least get space at nap time and nights and that should make you feel a lot better. We found a sleep counsellor really helped. If you are not comfortable with leaving your baby alone to cry, there are people who practice "softer" methods. Maybe your health vistor or gp can recommend someone locally? Or there are various you can find on the internet. We used Andrea Grace, she was great, but there are quite a few now - its a common problem!

The No Cry Sleep Solution deals with abies who like to nap and sleep on you I think

I totally agree with Aloha's posts. I led a parallel life to what she describes, same nap times etc and I do agree, when they get enough rest they are different babies. I think you could tell yourself that it's not only doing YOU a favour to stop him sleeping on you all the time, it will probably be giving him better quality rest and sleep.

I think with this sort of issue a big part of the battle is deciding what you will and won't do, and sticking to it. It's very hard often, and the easy path is giving in. But if you want to be a little more in control of your time, I think you have to be strong. He is 9 months, he cannot MAKE you do anything. He cannot physically pin you down to sleep on you. If you don't offer it, he won't get it. Of course you must comfort him if crying but if he gets the message that he just doesn't get to lay on mum, he will eventually content himself with other comfort from you, for example you or your dh coming in and out to soothe him, or you sitting in his room with him. Don't feel bad about it - he is still getting love and comfort from his loving parents and that cannot be harming him!

It seems to me that it's this, or keep going with what you have at the moment, and as you say, that feels intolerable to you.

Best of luck.

DD3 was very much like your LO. She had to be held/carried/touched 24/7. I had her in a sling literally all day every day, until my back gave out. She would wake 20/30 times a night as I fell asleep and lost contact with her by moving. (she slept either sucking my fingers or breast). One day, in a state of fraught exhaustion I decided we couldn't carry on for another minute. I moved her cot into her own room, threw the sling away and just let her get on with it.

IIRC she was about 7 months old. Anyway, we did CC with her for a coulple of hours the first night following which she slept til morning! The second night she grumbled for about 20 minutes then slept the whole night. Since then she's slept like a log. Now at the ripe old age of 6 she's possibly the most chilled out, lazy child I know.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can implement things that will help enourmously (like CC for example). Maybe look to your HV for support when/if you give it a go? (Mine was very supportive and told me the principles of CC and was available for pep talks etc)

It's bloody hard when they are so demanding, and the solutions often seem rather daunting, but the results for a few days/nights of disruption are so worth it.

Good luck.x

If you're finding him too heavy for a sling, I really recommend an ergo baby carrier. It's great.

wediblino, just wanted to sympathise. I can because my dd was like this. She sleeps great at 3.8 now. I am going through exactly the same with ds 8.5 month. His sleep went from bad to atrocious in the last 2 weeks.

Some babies are just like that with their sleep. I know, I have 2 in a row . They are not good or bad, they are what they are. These are their needs. Unless someone has had one like that, it is difficult to understand the feeling about being held to ransom that you describe.

I cope by co-sleeping. dd and ds were bf-ed for a long time. Both are velcro demanding babies. Forget lying in cots or buggies - they did not DO any of that. It is a temperament thing. Like they have an on switch, that won't switch off without your help.

Other posters are right about making sure he gets his sleep. If he needs to sleep on you, then so be it. If you feel you are going insane, wait a few days and see how you feel. The little b_ggers usually improve for a few nights just to dissolve your resolve.

Try cc if you wish. But at this age, I would not persist beyond a few days without improvement. Your ds2 is still very little. I weaned dd off the breast at 17 months and she finally slept through - but that was my breaking point. I am glad I got to that age. Dd could understand more. I felt I could impose limits. She was crying out of tantrum of not getting her way, rather than just fear.

Sorry if I sound a bit abrupt. I am hurrying to get ds to bed! I hope it improves for you soon. This is a very short time in your life. I promise you, it will end at some point. hth

Ive got sleep issues with my baby too. Thank you blueshoes for that post , my DD exactly like your DS and is 8.5 months and as you put it, her sleep has gone from bad to atrocious recently. Reassuring that others are all going through what I am. Luckily for me, DD is my first, and Im a SAHM, so the lack of sleep is not too debilitating, but if I had other children or if I worked, I think Id be quite upset by the situation. Id never try CC though.

i don't really have sleep issues with ds but he is very clingy. i feel stifled by how much attention he demands. he's always been such a chilled out baby. for the first few months just slept all day then would be quite happy sitting a room on his own with a few toys. fast forward eleven months.

i cannot put him down. he won't even let me sit next to him he has to be sat on my lap. he won't sit on the floor full stop. he will occasionally sit on the bed or sofa but this defeats the object cos i obviously can't leave him in a room on his own doing this.

i am really beginning to resent being a mum

have tried a sling but he doesn't like being in it when i am sat down really and won't ever go to sleep in it.

why are you reluctant to try CC? i might get shot down but from memory;-

it's not as harsh as it sounds (when i did it i didn't even know it was called that, i just thought it was the "normal" "natural" way that ensured you got some proper sleep and baby slept on his own (haven't met one that pefers to go to sleep on own rather than you!!) I BF also.

you gently extend the time, you listen out for the sound of their cries, if it's a real bawling you obviously don't leave them but if it's temper (that they are not getting their own way) and they ease off then it's ok to leave them. it takes time and it hurts to hear them cry and not pick them up immediately i know but babies can only cry to let you know that they are not happy and if you are changing something they have got used to they will be unhappy (deosn't mean it's right though to leave things as they were). just ease the change don't startle them too much and 9 months is a long time for them to rule the home.

don't rule out anything because you obviously can't go on as you are as you are not happy, take things easy when you try a new routine/way of doing things

why not do a post on it to see about other's experience of cc

i'm not surprise you are tired and fed up, it's nice to get a cuddle from your DH at night! talking of which i must say night night!

good luck

nappyaddict, is your ds crawling? or trying to walk? it might be frustration he wants to get going. if he is doing the crawling/shuflling/trying to walk with babywalker etc then encourage him to follow you around like this then pick him up for a cuddle and give him a hug , make it a game. had a nose at your profile, you seem to be attentive to his needs so perhaps it's just he's a bit older and needs slightly different stimulant from you? they do get more demanding so don't let it get you down, turn it into a game and carry on having fun with him.

give him a wooden spoon and a pan when you are in the kitchen to bash, or when youre cooking let him chew on a carrot or fruit(watch him for choking) find him something that isn't his toys that he can have in his hands (or he could be teething and hence the clingyness ) do you sing/talk to him when you do your housework?

it really doesn't sound like you so hope tomorrow is better for you .

cc - doesnt work for everyone but i would try it for a few nights if it doesn't work fine. call it experience and something to cross off the list of things to cry. if it does work bonus!

this is the problem. he can walk along holding my hands but doesn't furniture crawl and won't walk pushing his walker. i don't think he feels safe. so he wants me to walk him around all day. if he is sitting it is only on my lap.

chewing on carrot/fruit - we finally got him to eat solids at 10 months and a month later he's back eating nothing

tried the wooden spoon thing yesterday and also a big mixing bowl with rice and peas in it that he could stir around. he wasn't impressed.

the one thing that sometimes will keep him quiet is putting him in a washing up bowl (see last profile pic) but even that wouldn't keep him entertained today.

today he was even crying when i had him on my lap. i just don't know how to make him happy atm

am quite honoured you know who i am to know it doesn't sound like me!

Your post left me so that I was thinking about it overnight. Just wanted to add, have you investigated an underlying medical cause? Your ds sounds like he is unwell in his own skin, and I was wondering whether he is often in pain/uncomfortable?

My ds has cow's milk allergy and reflux. He was really needy until we treated those two conditions, the reflux with meds and the cma by eliminating all dairy from my diet (goes through the breastmilk). He became much, happier, more independent and a better sleeper, and is now starting to sleep part of the night (last night from 8pm till 2am) in his crib (previously only on me). He's 5.5 mo.

The reason I'm telling you all this is that about a week ago I did a dairy trial (they outgrow the allergy in time) and for 48 hrs he reverted to exactly the behaviour you describe - reminded me how bad it had been!

I'm not saying your ds has either of these, just wanted to share my experience. There may be something going on - if he eats solids maybe a food intolerance? Some info on that in the sears website I think, also lots of stuff on high need babies www.askdrsears.com .

hth

he used to have reflux but we stopped the medicines cos he seemed to have outgrown it. is it possible it could have come back?

cows milk allergy is possible. my brother used to be allergic to it when he was a baby. but he's been on cow's milk formula since 3 months. wouldn't he have had problems from then?