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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Obsessed with BF

28 replies

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 19:49

My 26 month old DS is obsessed with bfing. It's starting to totally get on my nerves. He only has it at bedtime and in the morning along with his baby sister.

When I pick him up from nursery, he's asking for it all the way home. We get in the door, he's asking for it all the way to bed. When I make him clean his teeth and get into pyjamas, he goes mental with upset at the thought of any delay. Even DH wonders why he is obsessed with it and gets frantic about it.

Is this odd behaviour or does anyone else's child feel the same way? Will it pass? I don't really want to bf him beyond 3. I'm already irritated by it.

OP posts:

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Spider · 06/06/2007 19:53

Hi Willy. My ds2 was like this as I recall. It has to be consensual and that means you don't have to feed him when you don't want to now that he's old enough.

My ds2 went through a phase of demanding it all the time. It calmed down. I think he stopped round about the age of three but I can't really remember because ds3 was around by then so there was still milk flowing.

By the way, well done you for getting to 26 months. That's really good going and you can stop any time you like guilt free.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 19:56

Thanks Spider but if I even say," No cuddle," (his word for it), he goes ballistic and then is distraught like I'm depriving him of love or something.

I'm worried how stopping bfing before he seems ready will affect him as we've just had a baby (8 weeks old) and he'll feel totally rejected? It's just his obsession with it that disturbs me a wee bit.

OP posts:

Guitargirl · 06/06/2007 20:01

Has this started since your baby was born or was he like this before too?

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 20:04

Before the baby came he was very keen on bfing. I can't honestly say there's a difference in his focus on it.

I cut his feeds down to once at bedtime and once in the morning when I was about four months pg so that he didn't associate the reduction with the baby. I read that some babies self wean when a new pregnancy makes the milk dry up or taste different. No such luck.

I'm worried that if I stop he'll feel really rejected and wretched. I don't want to hurt him like that. But why is he so bonkers about it? It bothers me alot.

OP posts:

Guitargirl · 06/06/2007 20:21

Am afraid I don't really have any words of wisdom except to say that if you aren't planning on bf past 3, that's still quite a long way off - plenty of time for him to self-wean.

How is he if you cuddle him close but don't offer the breast?

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 20:24

It's not good enough for him. He'll be lifting my top and getting more upset. I guess either I bite the bullet and say no once and for all or let him bf until he's bitty 15. Yuck.

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barking · 06/06/2007 20:33

my ds3 still loves feeding and is 24 months. Sometimes I think I can't do this anymore depending on the kind of day I'm having and the amount of sleep I'm getting.
But when he wakes up, he runs into my arms and holds out his hand waiting for his boob, he then gives it a hug and feeds for a good 15 mins, he then puts his hand to my mouthm which I kiss, then he puts his hand on my boob as if to say how much he loves it.
these times will soon be gone - it only seems like yesterday that my older 2 were feeding. Believe me it goes very quickly. When I have mixed feelings I try and change my attitude and think about how much he loves to feed and how much I'm helping his little body grow.
He will feed 4-6 times a day - he associates me sitting down trying to have a cup of tea with his feed time. which does get to me - I have even tried giving him ice-cream but he wants the milk more, so i'm just trying to accept it.
apart from the health benefits, i have found nothing else helps calm a fractious toddler than feeding, it soothes all hurts and stops all tantrums when nothing else can.
x

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 20:37

Barking, you're absolutely right, you're helping him, he loves it etc. So it's the same for me and my DS but why do I feel almost revulsion about it?

OP posts:

barking · 06/06/2007 20:46

Is it you feeling the revulsion? Is it other peoples opinions?
My ds2 had already self-weaned when my ds3 was born but I can remember him asking for a feed when my ds3 was born and I let him as didn't see any problem. It was fine but I can remember thinking how huge he looked in comparison to his baby brother.

ProjectIcarus · 06/06/2007 20:50

winky am about to eat but I had this a bit with dd1 they seem so huge and demanding and like a person compared to your newborn. dd1 was 2.3 when dd2 was born and she didn't self wean.

will post more and I do know how you feel.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 20:53

I am self-conscious about it now. I've always been a bit militant but now DD is here and MIL and SIL keep asking if DS is still bfing, I feel I'm not normal. They (MIL and SIL are staunch FF btw). And I did catch SIL grimace when I was bfing DD. Perhaps I've absorbed their negativity.. .. ..

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Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 20:54

I meant militant about bfing until I or DS felt ready to stop.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 06/06/2007 21:01

I don't really know what to say...ds would have also been distraught if I had tried to stop when he was 2, it was very important to him. I let him carry on and feed more or less when he needed to and he decided to stop himself when he was not quite four. So wanting to feed a lot at this age doesn't mean he is going to carry on until he is 15

(btw I find the bitty reference with regard to extended breastfeeding really inappropriate)

Erm I don't really understand why you are feeling revulsion about it or know what to suggest, sorry. I am feeling a bit confused and I suppose slightly upset at the way you have portrayed toddlers breastfeeding - "disturbing" "odd" "yuck" etc

Whatever you decide to do I would stop listening to other people's ignorant comments about how you choose to feed your child. It isn't any of their business whatsoever.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 21:07

No, FrannyandZooey, I'm not referring to toddlers breastfeeding as yuck, only mine. I'm trying to get to the root of my feelings towards my own toddler breastfeeding. Believe me, if I could change the way I feel about it, I would.

Thanks for your support anyway. I don't think you need to be quite so defensive esp. when I'm only trying to get help for MY situation, not attacking yours or anyone else's.

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barking · 06/06/2007 21:08

WinkyWinkola - your families comments and looks are not about you - they are about them.
It is truly none of their beeswax, it sounds like they may be jealous? If they ask again I would chose not to respond, change subject etc, why do they think they can ask such a personal question.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 21:12

But is it such a personal question? I did feel like they were prying and judging but thought I was being unreasonable but then I don't ask about SIL's children's feeding habits.

I just feel miserable about the whole situation. It shouldn't affect me so much, should it?

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 06/06/2007 21:23

Was the "thanks for your support" sarcastic then? I am probably being stupidly naive asking that.

barking · 06/06/2007 21:24

Some people think they can ask anything - almost demanding answers - you don't have to give them that power.
I wouldn't ask someone somthing so personal, though I suspect if you turned the question on them and asked about the very beginning with their children, they may have tried to feed their babies and couldn't. My mother really struggled to feed and her midwife was very pro formula so she gave in. Amazing what one persons bullying can do to a new vunerable mum!
If in your heart you want to carry on feeding unitl 3 then let it be between you and your son.
Be your own authority

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 21:25

No. I wasn't being sarcastic, Franny. You were helpful to me.

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FrannyandZooey · 06/06/2007 21:31

Ok, thanks for explaining. I was reading your post in two different ways and wasn't sure which one was right.

Do you feel the feelings were there before your pregnancy and birth? I can imagine that it may be natural to want to push the eldest child away to some extent, to make room for the new baby who urgently needs your milk.

I do remember feelings of irritation and frustration at the very physically demanding job of feeding a toddler. I would guess with the addition of feeding a newborn that could get rather intense

NormaSnorks · 06/06/2007 21:38

WW - although I didn't BF for as long as you, I do remember also having the same feeling of irritation towards the end, combined with terrible guilt for feeling it.

I think I was getting irritated by the 'neediness' of it all. I felt like I had become a prize cow - being milked all the time. Sometimes I felt like hiding, running away to avoid being the only person who could satisfy the crying etc.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2007 21:45

Norma, that's it. I find the desperation and neediness so grating. He eats food so he's not starving. We're very affectionate so he's must feel loved. I just don't get it.

OP posts:

ProjectIcarus · 06/06/2007 22:14

winky it is so so hard feeding two at this stage. I used to feel oppressed by it as though i was at the mercy of a mini dictator.

It does get better I promise. Dd1 is just past 3 now and has one feed in the morning still and I am ok with it.

NormaSnorks · 06/06/2007 22:19

WW - I do remember that time vividly. I also remember talking to an older mother about it, and she said something which really made sense.

It was about how BF for my DS was a bit like a comforter/ a favourite toy/ a blankie or whatever - the thing that was the only thing that really could make him feel OK/ settled/ safe, because he had grown up with it. The desparation for it was similar to the desparation for that comforter if it was lost or misplaced.

I know my DS2 has obessions with certain soft toys and also soft cotton fabrics (he quite often buries his face in the hem of my T-shirt when he's insecure and 'sniffs' it . Perhaps your son is feeling a little insecure with the arrival of DD, and that's why the need for you is heightened?

It can't be easy I know, but he probably does derive immense comfort from BF right now, so if you can continue for a bit longer it might be easier than trying to find another 'comforter' for him.

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 07/06/2007 22:37

Can I say something that may seem a little odd but never one to be that good at explaining myself......

You say that you're feeling irritated and revulsed - it instantly brought a picture to my mind of how other mammals wean their offspring - e.g. goats / sheep / horses etc (and no, I'm not calling you any of these!!) - whenever 'the time is right' the mother just pushes away the young. Occasionally they manage to get a feed in but increasingly, the mother manages to walk off leaving a rather despondent LO wondering why they're not allowed 'the boob'. This seems a completely normal and natural process and as mammals ourselves, I think it is perfectly normal for the mother to be the one that instigates weaning based on gutteral instinct. I wonder if human culture has initiated the baby self weaning 'thang' and that actually it is more natural / biological (instinct wise) for the mother to lead it? I don't know if that makes any sense at all??

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