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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How can I help my nearly 4 year old to 'chill out'

31 replies

hippmummy · 05/06/2007 11:34

Maybe I'm asking for too much...

DS1 is 3.10 and is quite highly strung (for want of a better word). He is a really lovely little boy chatty and bright and interested in things and has a great sense of humour.
But there is another side to him which is becoming increasingly hard work. I don't really know how best to describe it other than give some examples:

He has zero patience at the moment - If you don't answer him immediately he will start to just repeat mummy, mummy mummy mummy (this gets more and more shrill!)
He cannot bear changes of plan. It's not so bad at home because we've learned to give him 2 minute warnings but his preschool are find he flips out when they ask him to stop what he's doing.
He has little issues like he doesn't like short sleeves because he doesn't want the children to touch his arms.
He will hold off and off going to the toilet because he doesn't want DS2 to get the toy he's playing with.

I'm not worried about him in any way, but am wary of telling him not to be silly because obviously these things seem important to him.

Any ideas about how I can get him to be a bit more laid back? Or will he just grow out of it (or not!).

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Enid · 05/06/2007 11:38

My advice for all annoying nearly 4 year olds is teach them to read

cod advised me to do this with annoying, wittering, slightly obsessive dd2 - it has helped her a lot, she is improving slowly slowly slowyl (she is 4.5 now, still has very little patience but is getting there)

Original poster

hippmummy · 05/06/2007 11:43

Actually Enid he is massively interested in reading and one of his little neuroses is that he has to know what signs say (any sign - shop, road, side of vans!)

I'll give it a go!

OP posts:

Enid · 05/06/2007 11:45

He sounds very bright (as is dd2). Honsetly try it. He will love the attentiona anyway.

Original poster

hippmummy · 05/06/2007 11:53

He is bright - an early talker and very articulate, which doesn't make for a quiet life as you will know!

Thanks for the tip, and he will appreciate the one-to-one.

Eeek! Now I have something else to make time for in the day now...

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 05/06/2007 12:20

wow, I so sympathise as my ds is EXACTLY the same and it can be pretty unrelaxing sharing your life with a full-on child...on the odd day when ds is chilled out I can feel my shoulders going down and realise how NOT relaxed I am most of the time, because he is full on and demanding.

I think the reading thing sounds great and I hope it works. My thing with ds has been that he really hates having to take instruction from me, he gets angry and won't listen which is SOOO frustrating and has hampered him, for instance his drawing and writing are pretty awful (he's 4.10) and only today, this morning, did he finally listen to me giving him a little tip (I told him to keep him arm down on the surface when he's doing lines to help him control it) and lo and behold, his work was perfect.

I find his upset with changes of plan has not changed and he has been quite anxious and upset at school because he finds it difficult if the routine changes unexpectedly, he is incredibly resistant to trying new things as a result which again hampers him in some ways and has made settling into school an issue.

I'm rambling here, just know how you feel and how children like this can be quite un-relaxing to live with! However ds IS improving with time and maturity so basically I think the answer is yes he will grow out of it to some degree, hope the being able to read will be a key for you, because it is a huge bit of independence for them.

The other key I believe is accepting him wholeheartedly for who he is; as you say these things aren't silly because they are important to him.

I'd just say that with the general 'demanding-ness' and lack of patience that you mustn't feel bad about being strong with him at some times, when you absolutely can't give attention. It's a good lesson for them to know that you can't always get a response immediately...but give him time, ds is still learning this and still tries to sabotage phone calls and interrupt his teachers

FluffyMummy123 · 05/06/2007 12:51

Message withdrawn

Original poster

hippmummy · 05/06/2007 16:40

Honoria - I know exactly what you mean about taking instruction. He is quite stubborn and if you try to show him something the usual response is 'I can do it!'
But on the other hand, if he can't do something he wont ask nicely for help - it's all frustration and 'I CAN'T DO IT!!'

Obviously I adore him, but bedtime is sweet relief

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 05/06/2007 17:37

Ha! Know exactly what you mean about bedtime! I imagine almost all parents are glad when it comes, but children like these are SO unrelaxing I find. DH and I are pretty laid back, easy going people so it has come as a big surprise to have a child who is so erm....dynamic and opinionated, shall we say....

DrNortherner · 05/06/2007 17:39

Have you tried fish oils?

HonoriaGlossop · 05/06/2007 17:43

Have not. What effect are they supposed to have?

DrNortherner · 05/06/2007 19:27

Supposed to aid concentration and calm them down. If you google there is lots of info.

I am trying them out on my ds who sounds quite simile to yours but my ds is 5.

adath · 06/06/2007 10:02

I also think a word in the pre-schools ear might not go amiss either if they are not giving any warning of an activity stopping. This is something tha really actually winde me up a lot about some nursery/pre-schools i don't think it is a big deal for them to offer the class a 5 minute warning. The staff know when the activity will be stopping and the next starting. I think it is totally unreasonable of them not to offer a time warning how would they like it if they were in the middle of something and were suddenly whipped away from it? at least if you suggest the 2/5 whatever warning then the children/your ds have the oppertunity to finish up.

Original poster

hippmummy · 06/06/2007 13:47

Adath - I mentioned it to them and they've taken it on board actually! It's working a treat at the moment and we've had no tantrums at hometime.

They told me they used to do it but then started forgetting about it. Looks like DS was the only one who found it a problem though, as no-one else seemed to be kicking off

OP posts:

saffymum · 06/06/2007 14:09

I think it sounds like your DS is like mine - frustrated at having little or no control over his daily routine and activities. We also had to implement the 5 minute warning at home and got the nursery to do it accross the board. They now have a'routine chart' with pictures of the differnt activites and when they are going to change eg go to the garden, they warn them, change the picture and get them to tidy up. It affords them a bit of respect as individuals rather than just whipping them off to the next thing. Try the fish oils, they take about 2 months and help a lot. Also sounds like you have a little genius, congratulations. We also have a basket especially for 'holding' toys when DS goes to eat lunch or to the toilet otherwise he has a fit leaving what he is doing. It has his name on and much loved toys go in there (puts them there himself) and can see the basket whilst he eats then can go and retrieve them.

Zog · 06/06/2007 14:12

cod/enid - how do you go about teaching them to read?

FluffyMummy123 · 06/06/2007 14:13

Message withdrawn

Oblomov · 06/06/2007 14:15

I like the reading idea. Where do we start ?

Oblomov · 06/06/2007 14:18

Cod I was posting at the same time as you., sorry. Explain more please (dumb) - ds can tell you the story - repeat, his favourite stories, without having the book infront of him !
So are we supposed to be encouraging them to look at the actual words ?

HonoriaGlossop · 06/06/2007 14:21

iCod, do you mean differently to how you would read at bedtime or storytime? - more "This is our Reading Book, lets learn the words" if that makes any sense....it's just that there cannot be a child in the country who has had more books read to him than my ds, he loves books, has them every night etc etc but this has not translated into him being able to read at 4.10.

I totally don't know if this post makes sense. Do you know what I mean?

I often think ds would LOVE the independence of being able to read but despite memorising pretty much all of some very familiar books he can't actually read yet.

HonoriaGlossop · 06/06/2007 14:22

Notquitegrownup · 06/06/2007 14:27

He sounds very like my dss too. I wholly agree with the reading thing - and I encourage drawing too.

I have always relied on the odd hour of telly to allow me to regain my sanity, but we have just had a three day telly ban after a rather bad day last Saturday - and it has had an amazingly positive effect on ds2. I'm rapidly coming around to the idea that less might help them be calmer too.

FluffyMummy123 · 06/06/2007 14:32

Message withdrawn

HonoriaGlossop · 06/06/2007 14:42

Thanks. Will give this a go.

blueshoes · 06/06/2007 15:48

hang on, hippmummy - aren't ALL 3-4 year olds like that? Dd 3.8 is driving me round the bend - exactly as you have written.

We even have got to the point where we tell dd "don't ask for so many things at once". She has been issuing non-stop borderline irrational demands and freaking out because we can't do it right away, am in the middle of a convo with dh, or busy with ds or just generally fed up with her.

her need for attention is fathomless.

Oblomov · 06/06/2007 16:00

Ha ha. When you said stage one (I know what that is) ORT reading books, I assumed that the ORT was a typo - ha ha.

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