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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Really struggling with dd's behaviour (5) keep losing control, advice please

32 replies

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 11:15

She's developed this real attitude recently, probably to do with starting school and us having a new baby but I don't know how to deal with it.
I never had this with ds1 who's nine now, I think I smacked his hand (not even hard) once when he ran in the road or something, but dd is SO rude and completely ignores me when I tell her not to do something and it makes me so angry I just lose control and shout, I've smacked her on the leg several times, and even worse, through trying not to smack I've been really rough with her.
I feel awful about it and it doesn't work and I don't even really agree with smacking but when she's standing there stamping her foot, glaring at me while tearing something, holding her fingers on the conveyor belt in the supermarket while I repeatedly ask her not to, kicking her door in her room after I ask her to be quiet etc I just see red.
I asked my mum and she just laughed and said now you know how it feels.
I know it's all classic behaviour and attention seeking and that I'm responding in completely the wrong way but how do you change it when you're tired from the new baby, tired of hearing your own voice etc? Sometimes she just looks so sad and I feel really depressed about it, we had such a good relationship until recently. She's only five.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

VoodooMama · 15/05/2007 11:21

oh mrs C, its totally normal!!
Can you in anyway work out something so you have some alone time with her, to do something just you two together? Like a manicure or get a dvd she wants to see? I know its hard but she might tell you how she feels if she thinks she has your full attention, she is used to being the little one and now she is suddenly a 'big girl'
If smacking her isnt what you want to do you must handle these tough situations differently, count to 10, distract her, I dont know. But get some 1 on 1 time with her and remind yourself whe is a wonderful little girl, not a monster.
Best of luck!

VoodooMama · 15/05/2007 11:21

or make some special cakes with her

foxinsocks · 15/05/2007 11:24

also, and it sounds difficult, but take a decision to be completely positive with her. So notice EVERYTHING good that she does - even silly little things like walking nicely, coming out of school smiling, helping get the baby a nappy - everything is praiseworthy. And tell her how wonderful she is for being so helpful/good/well-behaved.

It sounds like you've got stuck in a negative cycle - she's also probably knackered from starting school, you're tired, new baby and it's all escalated. Don't be too hard on yourself but just be aware of your temper. I've also got a ferocious temper and I can tell when I'm going to lose it so mentally give myself time out - whether it means walking into the garden or counting 10 in my head (and I'm no angel, it doesn't always work) but give it a go.

Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 11:25

I've really been trying to, Voodoomama, and she does respond well to it but inbetween, it's the same attitude and the same loss of control from me. I'm not sure if I need an anger management course or something, I lose my temper regularly but it's worse with her, poor thing.

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foxinsocks · 15/05/2007 11:27

you sound exhausted - are you like this when you're not tired?

can you feel when your temper is going to go?

Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 11:27

It is the temper I'm worried about foxinsocks, I try to count..

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Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 11:27

a bit, but worse when tired

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foxinsocks · 15/05/2007 11:32

I think you're right in that you'll have to get your temper under control before you can expect her to start changing her behaviour.

Could you try and start being positive with her? you'd be surprised at the effect it has.

I also wonder if you're expecting too much of her - kicking her door after being asked to be quiet sounds like very typical 5 yr old behaviour to me (I've got one too).

Is there more to this, are you feeling crap generally?

VoodooMama · 15/05/2007 11:34

tiredness always screws up my emotions

puddle · 15/05/2007 11:38

I agree that it sounds as though she needs some positive attention. Do you have any time alone with her?

How old is your baby?

Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 11:40

It is mostly tiredness I think, we also got married three weeks ago and with a baby it got a bit much, snowballed into a biger thing etc. The school noticed her being clingy, said they thought it was to do with the wedding. I get quite a lot of anxiety too, had it very badly when dd was this age (15 weeks) but I've been trying to keep an eye on that and it's not as bad.

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Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 11:42

nearly four months, puddle. We don't have much time alone, no.

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foxinsocks · 15/05/2007 11:46

my goodness woman, you don't do things in half measures!

I think you do need to engineer some time for her and you together, to make her feel special and important to you - it sounds like she's had a lot to deal with too.

puddle · 15/05/2007 11:49

I think at 4 months you hit a wall with tiredness etc. Could you get some help to get ourself rested a bit and have more energy and patience for your dd? Am thinking of homestart, or a local teenager to hold the baby for an hour or so. Or family nearby? Does your dh help out?

Pamina · 15/05/2007 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fireflyfairy2 · 15/05/2007 11:53

MrsC, she sounds exactly like my dd! Who is also 5!!

She stands there, stamping her foot, growling "Nooo!!" at me. It gets so frustrating.

Ds is 2 & is starting to copy her.

Yesterday ds ripped a book belonging to dd & I said it was her own fault as she should have taken care of her things & left it out of ds's way... she looked at me out of the side of her eye & growled "Not my responsibility... your responsibility.. now you'll have to buy school a new book!! He's your baby, you should make sure he doesn't touch my things" & in that split second I really didn't like her

I count in my head & remind myself that is has gotten worse since she started school & that we have all summer to do nice things... I only hope she cuts the attitude!

Oh, & I too am guilty of the slaps on the legs, but try to think of it as if I slap her I have lost control & she knows it!

Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 11:56

Dh is very helpful actually, and he oftens tries to stop my temper before it gets bad etc, tells me to leave the room or that he'll take over, he can see me working up but of course he's not always here, his work is stressful too. I don't think I'd leave the baby with someone I don't know but I could try and do more with her when he's asleep, it's been a while since we cooked together. She asks me every week if we can make this candle set I got her for christmas. Have I done it yet? No

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MadamePlatypus · 15/05/2007 11:58

This is what I do when I am finding DS's behaviour a little 'trying'. (I have a 6 month old baby).

Breathe - it really helps to take 10 deep breaths and assess the situation before acting. Also remember to take some deep breathes regularly through out the day to de-stress.
As foxinsocks says, it is very, very helpful to just wake up in the morning and decide to see your child in a completely positive light. I know we are all told that children don't get enough discipline etc. but if you are in this kind of cycle, just be really nice and decide to give her the benefit of the doubt. I think 90% of the things that make me cross with DS are things that aren't actually him doing something wrong - its more that he is doing something inconvenient for me. Obviously I have rights too, and I shouldn't just let these things go, but I find I just end up in a downward spiral when I spend all day telling him off.
Spend time alone with her. I spent a couple of hours with just me and DS last weekend and it was so easy! Why on earth I didn't send out DH with the buggy and the baby before then I don't know. I know that with a 9 year old too it may be a little bit more difficult for you to organise this, but it is so worth it.
Try to get help so that you can get a break. It is very, very difficult being level headed when you haven't had enough sleep. You might not be able to sort the sleep out, but you having down time should be a priority.

Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 11:58

That's exactly how I feel, firefly, when she's hissing at me I don't like her for a second and then it's harder to do something nice. It's such a vicious circle

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fireflyfairy2 · 15/05/2007 12:01

As foxinsocks has posted, waking up in the morning with a different attitude.... a positive attitude towards dd...

The past few mornings I have woken with a negative attitude, I am just realising it now DD reads in bed, out loud. If she wakes at 7am she will read out loud & automatically I am annoyed as she wakes ds, who would sleep for another hour if left alone!

I'll practice this in the morning.

But please know you are not alone MrsC!!

Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 12:04

that sounds just like our house! If she comes in and lo is still asleep, I say go away witout even opening my eys. Poor thing,

MadamePlatpus- that's a good idea. DH often takes ds1 out out and dd too but I always have the baby. There's no reason why he shouldn't take the pram out, don't know why we haven't thought of that

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Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 18:25

She's wet herself this afternoon now, for the first time in about two years, another classic regression sigh I suppose.

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auburnmum · 15/05/2007 20:31

Is your baby in any sort of routine? Mine used to sleep for a little while after lunch which gave me time to be with DD. I used to make a point of calling it 'our special time; rather than DS's 'nap time' ... even if we did nothing more than watch TV together. If i had energy we would make cakes or do something with glue. Anyway, difficult when our DD is in school all day, but maybe it will be possible over half term. It really made a difference to our relationship.

Original poster

MrsCarrot · 15/05/2007 21:24

That's the trouble, she is at school all day, and up until christmas she had some afternoons off which has stopped now. He does sort of sleep at the same times but it will have to be half term to have the extra time, she's tired after school as well. I really tried to count to ten this afternoon but it was very hard. I feel like a real bad mother at the moment

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MadamePlatypus · 15/05/2007 22:28

Mrs Carrot, maybe you could substitute the words 'tired' and 'very busy' for bad?

Warning - sad panda story coming up.

Apparently if a panda has twins the panda has to choose which twin to abandon and which twin to look after, because they require so much care she can only nurture one. Us humans look after lots of children at once, but sometimes this is achieved by cobbling things together as best we can, rather than being perfect.

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