Really struggling with dd's behaviour (5) keep losing control, advice please

[MrsCarrot]

She's developed this real attitude recently, probably to do with starting school and us having a new baby but I don't know how to deal with it.
I never had this with ds1 who's nine now, I think I smacked his hand (not even hard) once when he ran in the road or something, but dd is SO rude and completely ignores me when I tell her not to do something and it makes me so angry I just lose control and shout, I've smacked her on the leg several times, and even worse, through trying not to smack I've been really rough with her.
I feel awful about it and it doesn't work and I don't even really agree with smacking but when she's standing there stamping her foot, glaring at me while tearing something, holding her fingers on the conveyor belt in the supermarket while I repeatedly ask her not to, kicking her door in her room after I ask her to be quiet etc I just see red.
I asked my mum and she just laughed and said now you know how it feels.
I know it's all classic behaviour and attention seeking and that I'm responding in completely the wrong way but how do you change it when you're tired from the new baby, tired of hearing your own voice etc? Sometimes she just looks so sad and I feel really depressed about it, we had such a good relationship until recently. She's only five.

good point madameplatypus.

Mrs Carrot - your 5 year old sounds like mine. I also have a baby of a similar age (and another DS in between!) so I really know what you're going through.

It is very difficult to always be positive when they are being unlikeable and I've been through all the feelings you mention in your OP.

Wish I had some good advice but I don't - just empathy. I am going to buy that book about listening and talking and see if there are some more strategies in there.

Mrs C, I am going through exactly the same thing with my 5 year old DS, and I have a 10 week old baby too. I too am trying to be very calm and firm, but God he does push me to the edge and has had a few smacks on his bottom recently. I find a glass of wine takes the edge off it at 5pm! Must go and feed baby now, and try to get some sleep! There must be a few of us out there...any more tips anyone?

Thanks for the replies. It is a relief to know that others have the same problem, I just keep blaming myself and actually, a five year old does behave badly sometimes, it's responding it to it in the right way that I find so hard.
That is a sad story about the panda, madameplatypus, but true I guess, we are all juggling. I just feel bad that my ds1 is very close to his dad and he's fine but dd has always been closer to me and I think she feels a bit lost. I bought a book about mothers and daughters but it was more relevant to teenagers, I've heard of that 'talking so they'll listen' book, I might look out for it., thanks.
A glass of wine does indeed help, although I try to wait until 5.30
She was up having nightmares last night, mind you, so did I, several, and I'm extra tired today but ds1 is going to a friends for tea s if lo sleeps we can have bit of time together.

oh MrsCarrot make the candle thing with her - just do it - she'll love it and you might enjoy it too

I have a DD1 almost the same age and she has been driving me nuts with this kind of behaviour (I also have a bad temper which I am trying to control)
I find the positive stuff works well, but it is very hard (maybe a star chart for you, with a reward at the end would help ). Distracting instead of punishing is very helpful, and makes me feel more like the grown up if you like. Once I've lost my temper I feel I have descended to the level of a 5yo and it's just not fair on her, how will she learn if I do that. I have been known to put myself on the "naughty step" to calm down after losing my temper - she loves that and it can break the ice in a no-win situation..
tiredness makes me a billion times worse btw

good luck (maybe we should start a "manage your 5yo" support group!)

Lol at you putting yourself on the naughty step, jeangenie! You're right, it would be good if I can make that candle set today. We'll see how it goes when she gets out of school. I have found taking a snack improves her behaviour, I guess their blood sugar's pretty low at that time.

Did the candle set with dd! It was actually fun, and nice to light them all at the end for dinner (some odd shapes though). She behaved, so my temper wasn't tested, we'll see how it goes

that sounds great
onwards and upwards now
GOOD LUCK!