Wish I’d never had my son

[JEsther]

A delightful baby and young child. Talked early, walked early, nothing to worry about. I had one year of maternity leave, then worked part time till he was five and left nursery for a private school. His father and I separated when our son was seven. He moved to another school at about the same time, having failed to thrive at his first school. All then seemed well until he was about 13. He is now approaching 18 and the last five years of all of our lives have been sheer hell.

Why have they been sheer hell, exactly what has he been doing for 5 years? You enjoyed him for 13 years so you ought not to wish you never had him, 5 years is very short time compared to 13 great ones. Just my opinion.

Are you asking for advice? If so you'd better elaborate

Read this before and assumed there was a second post coming here? What's happened to make him so difficult op?

Okay. Aged about 12 (in 2012) he got into social media. We caught him on unsuitable sites (sexual and/or violent). We shut his internet access down. What he was accessing in his father's and/or friends houses I don't know.

This has destroyed my career. I am anxious and depressed. What I have is not a decently, privately-educated boy but a thug and a bully, with none of my values. All he does is put the squeeze on me for money. He has ruined my career and my life. I hate him.

Sorry how has him accessing violent websites lost you your job? You're not doing a great job at explaining his behaviour here. Unless he has commited a heinous crime such as murder, rape, paedophilia then I just don't see the need to say you hate him. Dislike yes, frustration yes, disappointed yes but hate no.

Okay. Aged about 12 (in 2012) he got into social media. We caught him on unsuitable sites (sexual and/or violent). We shut his internet access down. What he was accessing in his father's and/or friends houses I don't know.

This has destroyed my career. I am anxious and depressed. What I have is not a decently, privately-educated boy but a thug and a bully, with none of my values. All he does is put the squeeze on me for money. He has ruined my career and my life. I hate him.

I'm surprised about the hostility of reaction. It breaks my heart that I cannot love my son, though I continue to support him. We have nothing, including values, in common. I can hardly bear to be in the same room as him. He went from the well brought up child of professional parents, step parents and grandparents to a feral thug.

Sorry you're going through this op, I don't think people are being intentionally hostile just trying to understand a slightly confusing thread. It does sound like you're having a hugely difficult time with him BUT please try to keep in mind that at 18 he is not finished growing and developing. Encourage him to go for counselling, be there for him but let him experience the consequences of his behaviour, don't be tempted to cover for him or rescue him. I really hope that he is able to come out of the other side of this and you can gradually rebuild a loving relationship.

I'm self-employed. I am too distressed and nauseated by my son's behaviour to keep going. His father is useless, his second (my husband) a gem. Even so I my son were never born or I were dead. He has ruined my life. Ten years ago I had a promising career, good income and everything to play for. Now, a failing career, depressed income and depression and anxiety, all on account of this boy. I would caution any woman, whether wanting to combine kids with a career or not, to think very carefully. My advice would be no. Having a child is my greatest regret.

Thanks but you are just not getting this. I am a highly educated and highly qualified professional woman having to cope with a son who has none of our values, was expelled from school at 14 and decided to degrade himself. I cannot stand the sight or sound of hin.

I congratulate you for saying the unsayable. I think there are more women than you would think who have negative or ambivalent feelings towards their children but it is a taboo to admit it. Poor you though, sounds ghastly. On the plus side, he will be old enough to boot out soon and you can get on with life

Hmm you seem to be putting a lot of blame on him op. I have no doubt he's difficult and going through a difficult and unpleasant stage but is he really and honestly to blame for EVERYHTING wrong in your life. I wonder if on some level his behaviour is a reaction to the family disintegration that seems to be happening. Have you had counselling to help you explore ways to move on from this? Perhaps if you take steps to recover and become stronger in yourself you will be in a better position to help him.

Your education and your profession sound more important to you than anything else, it seems you may be more worried about how he makes you appear because of your upstanding. Pp is right although much better worded than mine, your post is confusing because your not giving any examples of his behaviour to help us concur with you and in doing so you're only making yourself sound worse.

Examples of his behaviour: suddenly behaving with gross discourtesy to me in particular but bad manners generally; leaving the house at night either surreptitiously or when he was too big to be physically restrained, abuse of any internet access he was allowed in my house, lying, thieving, ultimately being expelled from school aged 14 for battering another boy and in the three and a bit years since, roaming the streets, often armed, totally out of control, frequently arrested. I defy anyone to continue working in those conditions. He lived with his dad and step-mum, who had two boys of her own; they threw him out. He lived with me and his step-dad; we threw him out. His surviving grandparents threw him out. But he’s still in our lives, leeching for money, hideously ugly, foul mouthed and loathed by us all which, I am afraid, we no longer trouble to hide.

Have you tried phoning the police regarding him bringing weapons out on to the streets? Is he on drugs that you are aware of? He needs support and help to change and by that I don't mean money or pandering to his wants this means sitting down and talking to him one on one and LISTENING to him and making suggestions such as counselling either alone or as a family, rehab if drugs are involved etc and if he refuses to talk, refuses practical help then tell him the alternative is that there will be no more hand outs or bail outs and he will not be welcome to come around anymore.

Tried it all. He has ruined health, careers and other family relationships.

So you've been to family counselling and he's been to rehab?

He's only 17 OP, don't give up on him yet. It seems that some trauma in his childhood and feelings of rejection has caused this self-sabotage. I suspect there are some self esteem issues and learned helplessness thrown in.

Sorry to hear all this op. Although i think it is quite common for teenagers to go off the rails and be unlikeable it does sound like you are having and have had a particularly bad time.

OP my brother in law went off the rails with alcohol at a boarding school. His mother went non contact for quite a long time during his adulthood. Ironically he now seems to be the favoured son and telephones and helps out his mother much more than my husband. Things may change.

I sympathise with anyone suffering from anxiety as I know the hell, but do I dare say that it your dislike of your son seems to be down to a bigger issue than your son's behaviour.
To say he is "hideously ugly" is nothing to do with his behaviour and is a shocking thing for a mother to say about their child.

He clearly has some issues that need to be resolved however and I understand that they negatively affect you as well as him. However when you have a child, whether you regret it or not, you have made a choice to put someone else before yourself. At 18, he is still emotionally mature and navigating through a difficult time in life where he is expected to be a adult when, let's be honest, we weren't all ready to be at 18!

If he has issues, he needs a support system of people who love him, people HE KNOWS love him. At the end of the day, that is your only real job. Without a solid support system, his chances of maturing and coming through the other side as a well adjusted man are seriously lessened. I know he is pushing your limits but, like it or not, you are his mother and he is only 18. Would you be bothered about being a good person if even your family, your own mother, didn't want you?

Sorry if I sound harsh.

He is still only 17, and clearly knows he is hated, which can only make his self-esteem and behaviour worse. Has he left school, what will he do next?

Whatever happened during the last 4-5 years, please seek professional help now, for all your sakes. Such a sad situation for you all.

Where is he currently living? You say all his family have thrown him out?

I can see that things have been difficult op but you seem to be blaming him for everything that's wrong in your life. I expect he knows you think that and feeling unloved will not help him get back on track.
He's only 17 there is time to improve his life. I would echo family counselling

If your son is approaching 18 and you dislike him so much then cut contact? Sounds like the only option if he's truly as bad as you say.