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Original poster

? When to have another baby

29 replies

madame · 08/05/2007 17:47

Please any help or advice very welcome.....

I am 36yrs and have one dd 20 months, I would like to have another baby I think.... but find just one quite hard work even though I love her very much.Is it because she is at that stage of into everything and pushing all the boundries? I don't like the idea of her being an only child for some reason and therefore think in the long run having 2 is the right thing for us as a family. My husband also would really like another one but he works very long hours and therefore the bulk of the work would fall with me. He has suggested we could hire help if I needed it.

Its knowing when the time is right, is it easier to leave a gap of a couple more years or have them close together and get those first few years out the way in one go before I get used to sleep again....

any words of wisdom.

Madam

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sunnysideup · 08/05/2007 18:05

i think maybe have a think about why you want another one; there's no harm in being clear on your reasons, I think it will help you put up with the lack of sleep and other newborn stuff if you are very clear and content with your reasons for having another.

We stuck with one btw, and I was ALOT clearer on my reasons for sticking with one than "I don't want another for some reason"

Make sure that your objection to an only child 'for some reason' really has reasoning behind it, then that will give your impetus for knowing why and possibly when you want number two. For instance I mean if you think you don't want dd to be an only because you want her to have a close friend in a sibling and someone she can play closely with, then you would want to have another quite soon I would think. If it's more that you are not fussed about them playing together and would like one to one time with a baby when your dd is at school, then you'd want to leave it a while.

Do you see what I mean? Dunno if that makes sense, it's just the things that I would think about in your position. Best of luck, whatever you decide.

mckenzie · 08/05/2007 18:25

Sunnysideup's comments make good sense and I should think there will be about 63 different answers to your quandry Madame .
If you have a bigger gap then your elder child will be more self sufficient and able to help a tad with the new born.
But, they will be at different playing levels/socialising levels and might not be such good 'mates'
If you have them close together you might feel like you are forever changing nappies but they might play better together and have more in common.

Who knows huh?

I've got just under 4 years age gap and I've found it great but that's me.

sunnysideup · 08/05/2007 18:33

In general I imagine that having them close together is harder on the parents but perhaps more fun for the children when they're young, because they are good playmates and want to do similar things.

If I had wanted another it would have been close together I think, as the thought of trying to amuse say, a nine year old and a three or four year old, would make my tummy go all squirty. They want to go to such different places and do such different things - holidays could be a bit stressful methinks!

CoteDAzur · 08/05/2007 18:59

madame - you and I could be the same person . I am 36 in two weeks and DD is 20 months old. She is a very demanding child, and I have been agonizing over the question of how soon I can cope with having another one to deal with.

The decision we came to is to ttc early next year. Here in France, kids go to "maternelle" at age 3, which is a fairly structured but playful kind of early school. So by the time the second one comes, DD will already be in maternelle.

3 years difference between 2 kids is not too bad, I think. Me and my brother, we have 5 years difference, which I think is a bit too much.

Hope that helps xxx

Original poster
madame · 08/05/2007 19:43

Thank you so much everyone.

Sunnyside up, you made a really good point and I do want another for the right reasons I think as I would love my dd to have a sibling to grow up, its not to fulfill more maternal yearnings in myself, yet there is plenty more love for another.

CoteDAzur, it's nice to find someone else agonizing over the same decisions. Do you ever wonder how you will cope with two when one is hard enough at times? I keep trying to look at the bigger picture of when they are older and I like that picture of two of them, it's just getting past the sleep deprivation bit as our dd is waking alot at the moment with teething and bad chests.

Does it ever get better with the sleep?

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madame · 08/05/2007 19:46

Also what are peoples thoughts on my age as I am 37 this year and if I waited for a 3 year gap I would be 38/39.

Do I have the priveledge of waiting or should I just satrt trying now incase it never happens?

This decision is tying me up in knots

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sunnysideup · 08/05/2007 20:14

well I think if you want a sibling for your child to grow up with, and you are worrying about your age, then both those things wouldn't be best served by waiting.

Wot you waitin for, eh?

Original poster
madame · 08/05/2007 20:30

very true Sunnyside, I am just scared that I wont be able to cope. I don't know if I am capable even though it's what I want.

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naughtymummy · 08/05/2007 20:42

I had my second baby in Oct with a 2.5 year gap and it is sooo much easier and more enjoyable than i anticipated. They already play together, and i find i am much more chilled about the whole sleep thing this time. I can honestly say i had 8 tough weeks and afterwards it has been just so enjoyable i say go for it!

Aloha · 08/05/2007 20:48

Aim for a three year gap and hire help. Then it will be (comparatively) easy. A good postnatal doula to start with, then an au pair or nanny couple of days a week and you will be laughing. I did a three year gap (ds has dyspraxia so was physically quite a bit less independent than most three year olds, ie not potty trained and couldn't dress himself) and had a student nanny two short days a week and it was fab. They are both driving us bonkers at the moment (dd 2 and going through a screaming phase and ds 5) but I am still very pleased I have them both! Honestly, it's not that bad! Sometimes it's even fun - she says, ungritting her teeth, taking another gulp of wine!

divastrop · 08/05/2007 20:54

age gaps....

between my first 2 there is 11 months.very hard work,with both in nappies and not being able to take your eyes off them for a second.but much easier than having one IMO,you know what you're doing more with your 2nd baby and feel more confindent etc.

theres 4.5 years between no 2+3,i found that pretty hard work as i'd got used to having two at school who slept all night etc and i had to go through nappies/night feeds etc again.

theres 2.5 years between 3+4,and apart from a few mishaps with ds2 trying to play fight with dd2 when she was only a few weeks old,it was fine,and they have a lovely relationship now and play together really well.

that just leaves...15 months between 4+5,which is much the same as the 11 month gap except dd2 is gentler and more loving toward her baby sister,and i can change nappies with my eyes closed these days

whatever the age gap,they all fall out sometimes,play nicely sometimes,be perfect angels one day and PITA's the next so tbh i dont think it makes much difference!

Poems4U · 08/05/2007 21:14

i think i'd like them close together my lo is 9 months. but i am a bit worried about the hard work but i suppose in the long run it wil be better as they can play together etc

Original poster
madame · 09/05/2007 13:26

Thanks everyone, some great food for thought and positive comments. There is never the right time I know but just to hear that others have coped helps me. I just lack confidence in my ability, that's me a born worrier....

I think we will wait till the beginning of next year and go for a 3 year gap, that seems to feel as comfortable as it's going to feel, thats to say I fall which is always the risk. It will happen if it happens

Divastrop, I salute you.....very impressive, what am I worrying about with 2!

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Countingthegreyhairs · 10/05/2007 10:28

Similar dilemma to you Madame. Although I'm lacking in confidence about my ability to cope I would love another although I'm 43 this year so we may have left it too late! Just a couple of passing thoughts hope of some help to you - parenting got suddenly very much easier once our dd was 3.25 years old when she was able to do more things for herself such as going to the loo and dressing etc. A difficult time to have a newborn (although there's never a perfect time is there?) is when number 1 child is still potty-training or starting school (particularly first winter term when they catch every bug going). However, I am trying to think of the long game: my dd is nearly four now so there will be quite a big gap between her and a sibling should one come along BUT think of them as adults. There's not much difference between a 40 and a 45 year old adult??! There's a five year gap between all my brothers and sisters and me and we are very close indeed! Good luck with your decison.

IcingOnTheCake · 10/05/2007 10:33

madame i am thinking the exact same thing as you only i am not your age. I have a 7 month old and i adore her to bits and i am in limbo in my mind whether to have another one in a couple of years. I probably will because although it will difficult in the beginning, in a few years when they are growing up i know i will be happy having 2 children. I think you should have another.

harrisey · 10/05/2007 12:14

I'd mine close together and I'm glad - I would hate to be going back to nappies and getting up in the night after it was over with.
There's almost (3 days short)2 years between dd1 and ds, then 22 months between ds and dd2 (unplanned, but hey ho). It has been hard hard work for the last few years but now they are of an age when they are more independent and things have eased off hugely in the last few months.
I have a couple of friends with school age children who are pg, adn I dont envy them one bit!

Original poster
madame · 10/05/2007 19:39

I think one minute I am happy with my decision and then i change it the next! Part of me just thinks start trying now as it could take a year....I haven't even thought about potty training yet....I guess if I started with that when dd is 2 ish and then if I do fall at least I would have one out of nappies.

There is never the right time for this type of thing, it's going to be hard whenever I do it for a time, but the gain of having 2 I know will pay off.

The one thing I worry about is the tiredness, it's hard work being a mum and some days I just want to curl up and go to bed

I think my next step is to think about what kind of help I need and start being proactive in my mind that I don't have to do it all alone like I do at the moment and run a business.

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Original poster
madame · 10/05/2007 19:43

Countingthegreyhairs one of my friends has just had her 3rd child at 43 with an 11 year gap from her second child. She is so happy revisiting it and although finds it very tiring she wouldn't change it. I hope it happens for you.

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foxybrown · 10/05/2007 19:56

Divastop is right! Its all swings and roundabouts. All I wanted to say is 20 months is very hard work IME, but it gets a lot easier quite soon . So, if you were to go for it now, by the time the next lo is born things will be different.

We decided to have all ours close together (no 4 due in 7 weeks) because I didn't want to go back to sleepless nights or feel like 'normal me' again as it would have been harder! But I am pleased to have done it this way, my two boys (5+4) like and do the same things, my DD (2.6) keeps up with them and all are looking forward to their little sister.

Its very hard in the beginning, some days are very hard being pg but I wouldn't change it. It suits us is all I can say

Rantum · 10/05/2007 20:10

I have heard that 3 - 3.5 years gap is good for eliminating alot of sibling rivalry, leaving Mum with more time with no.2 while no.1 is in nursery and school and for dealing with nappies on 2 children rather than one but still close enough to be playmates.

On the other hand getting all the pregnancy stuff and nappies out of the way all in one big go is an incentive to have them close together, along with the benefit that they really very close in age keeping their developing interests more in line with each other.

My own Mum had me at 34 and my sister 20 months later when she was 36 and has never felt it was too close together. I want another child (ds is 2.3) but felt I needed more of a gap, and to be honest to have ds into nursery so that I can devote some time to baby 2 the way I was able to with ds.

Being an only child is not the worst solution in the world (my closest friend is an "only"), it just means you have to be more forthright in placing your child in situations where they learn skills like sharing and compromise.

Hope you figure out what you want - it has to be what suits you and your dh, factoring in your dd of course, without making her the reason for your decision imo! Good luck

Countingthegreyhairs · 11/05/2007 11:54

Thanks Madame for your post! That really HAS given me hope!

QueenofBleach · 11/05/2007 11:56

we are having the same dilema and after consideration have decided to try next year when dd turns 2. It just means a little more independence and only one set of nappies!

PinkTulips · 11/05/2007 12:04

i have an 18 month gap and spent most of my pregnacy in floods of tears and terrified as i couldn't imagine being able to cope with 2 when i found 1 so hard.

you know what? 2 actually seems easier somehow... don't ask me how but you just adjust, you become more relaxed about the whole parenting thing and the kids entertain each other alot.

go for it!

MrsJohnCusack · 11/05/2007 12:18

the sleep thing is easier 2nd time around I think though because you're not operating from the same starting point

when you have no.1 and go from 8 hours sleep a night and lovely lie ins (apart from crap sleep in late pregnancy) a baby's mad sleeping (or not) patterns are completely horrifying, but by the time no.2 comes along you're more used to it and postively thrilled when you grab 4/5 hours in a night! actually I have had more sleep since my 9 week old was born than I did in the last couple of months of pregnancy when I was so uncomfortable and DD was waking in the night (there's 27 months between them by the way)

gracej · 11/05/2007 14:38

I always knew I wanted to have more than one baby, the thought of being an only child seems so lonely to me. It is so nice to have siblings.
There is an age gap of 25 months between DS1 and DS2 who is 3 months now. I am often tired and sometimes the house is an absolute mess, BUT I am so happy I had DS2, he is adorable. I cannot wait for both of them to play together. I know that in a couple months things will get easier.
My word of advice, is if you do go for a second one, buy a sling (it works wonders for the baby is you need you hands free), and take your husband's offer to get help, if you can afford then fantastic.