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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Naughty Girls School

95 replies

typhoonsmum · 01/05/2007 21:46

Am the mother of a 4 and a half year old who is using her new found indepedence to the upmost.
Have tried the naughty step and other modern day punishments but she just laughs at them. Would call in Supernanny if I knew how but I think she is too much for even her.
A few days ago I remembered the punishment/threat my mum used on me.
THE NAUGHTY GIRLS SCHOOL
It worked for me. My mum even made me speak to the headmistress( my aunty but at the time I didn't know that) and pointed out a big building and said that was the school. I believed her for years.
I tried it the other day and it was fantastic. She was a little angel. She didn't want to go to the school as she'd miss me. ( I was so choked up)
This evening after two hours of telling to go to bed and stop banging about/raiding the fridge/changing into Snow White dresses I told her I'd phoned the school. She didn't believe me. (Every time I've "phoned" I said there was no answer) Tonight I phoned and pretended I got thru. She screamed and cried and went to bed. She was asleep two minutes later.
The thing is I feel so guilty scaring my daughter into behaving. The NGS did me no harm but I feel awful doing this to her but it is the only thing that seems to work.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

colditz · 03/05/2007 17:42

No, when you are young you wonder how you can make mummy love you again.

boyslovegranny · 03/05/2007 17:42

why do people assume that if you don't discipline with fear or physical punishment children grow up without manners or respect?

Non-cruel parenting methods are not the same as slack parenting.

niceglasses · 03/05/2007 17:44

It is wrong, it was wrong. No question.

quadrophenia · 03/05/2007 17:50

well colditz i'm not saying its nice, and i wouldn't say to everyone that they should go and do it either. I am saying i resorted to something similar and I'm not proud, but my kids are okay, they really are.

WigWamBam · 03/05/2007 17:52

My mum thinks I was OK too.

I wasn't, and it affects me still.

PetronellaPinkPants · 03/05/2007 17:52

HOW do you know they are quadrophenia

You are not inside their heads you can't possibly know how they feel

quadrophenia · 03/05/2007 17:54

because i have a fantatsic relationship with my kids PPP. They are wonderful kids truely they are, and believe me I have more then compensated for the odd mistake i have made in my parenting, i refuse to beat myself up for things I have done in the past.

colditz · 03/05/2007 17:55

Agreed Q, everyone has done things to or with their kids that they wish they hadn't done, but you aren't saying you are doing it to teach respect.

niceglasses · 03/05/2007 17:56

I think sometimes as well these sorts of things mark a turning point in your parenting. I haven't done this, but have also done some things not too proud of. Now I look back, I realise they have marked a turning point and I have not done X again. Lets just hope the OP may see it that way too.

WigWamBam · 03/05/2007 17:57

My mother would say that as well, quad.

Again, she'd be wrong.

I'm not saying that it would be damaging to every child, and I'm not saying that there weren't other things that went on which added to the damage. But honestly, I don't think it's worth the risk when there are other ways of handling bad behaviour - several of which people have suggested further down the thread.

YeahBut · 03/05/2007 18:09

Threats like this (and my parents used to do it to db and I) are terrifying for small children. And I don't personally think that they work because it is very hard for a child to separate out the idea of being punished for certain behaviours from the idea that they are "bad". If you want to modify your dd's behaviour (and yes, she does sound challenging) you need to help her make the direct link between her actions and undesirable consequences like losing toys and treats. She'll work out soon enough that this school doesn't exist and then what will you do?

quadrophenia · 03/05/2007 18:11

well as you quite rightly say other circumstances can contribute to damage and trust issues. As noone on this thread knows me or my children it would be wrong to assume that I have damaged them.
My children and my family are my world, I have made mistakes, but I am a caring, loving mother and consequently my kids are caring and loving too.

Boredveryverybored · 03/05/2007 18:26

It's cruel, plain and simple. It is never ok to deliberately scare children.
When I was younger my mum used the threat of sending me to the childrens home when I was being naughty, also did the phoning them up - was my grandmother on the phone.
I must have been no older than 4 and I still remember how absolutely terrified I was when she did that to me.
Any time I ever started to play up after that she just mentioned the home to me and I snapped back. I grew up too terrified to be myself
Needless to say I do not have any respect for my mother and we have a crappy realtionship now.

You think it's harmless because it didn't affect you this way? How can you be so sure it will be the same for her?

quadrophenia · 03/05/2007 18:28

well i am clearly very cruel then, not a mum who admittedly has struggled at times and resorted to a punishment she didn't think through properly.

Boredveryverybored · 03/05/2007 18:32

I think Quad the difference is believing that this kind of punishment is harmless and resorting to it time and time again, as my mother did. As opposed to having used it at the end of your tether knowing full well it isn't really the right thing to do and not continuing to use it under some false belief that it's fine.
We have I'm sure all resorted to things with our kids that are far from ideal, but I'm sure we don't try then to convince ourselves that actually it's fine and it works so keep at it. iykwim.

Comerscroft · 04/05/2007 07:34

The original poster, whose parenting skills are, according to her, irreproachable, makes me feel ill with her threat to send her little girl away just to make her behave. She might as well cut out the stuff about the NGS and say 'if you don't behave/do what I want, Mummy won't love you any more'.

I'm an older mum, and I grew up in fear of my father who was a remote figure who, although he loved us, was unable to show it. Many, many times, I, as a little girl, tried so hard to please him through good behaviour, and it was never quite enough. Many times, I cried myself to sleep over his harsh words or looks.

So.......the though that my mother would ever have threatened me with the withdrawal of her love, (which she never did) even now makes me ill.

Please, please don't do this to your child. She loves you unconditionally and while her behaviour may not be all you would want, she needs to know that you will always love her whatever.

loopylou6 · 04/05/2007 10:19

OH MY GOODNESS, now i believe everyone has a right to their own opinion, and im not saying anyones opinion is right or wrong, but i will tell u what i do find disgraceful, u lot are treating this woman like she has just MURDERED someone, fgs get a grip! ive only been coming on mumsnet for a few weeks and tbh have found it amazing, everyone is so friendly and eager to help with usually sound advice, but i am shocked with these responses.No body is a perfect parent, we all amke mistakes but no-one deserves a dressing down this bad for a situation like this.

boyslovegranny · 04/05/2007 15:48

The problem is loupylou, if you use a controversial method of discipline then come on a parenting website seeking approval for it you will get people who will feel strongly the other way that it's wrong.
The OP herself said she wasn't happy about doing it but seemed to see it as a last resort.
Some of the criticism has been constructive and there have been offers of better ways to deal with her daughters behaviour. But then the OP got defensive at the 'telling off' she was getting, and claimed nothing anyone says will change the way she parents her DD, and that she sees it as a way of teaching respect . So in fairness I don't feel she sees what she's done as a mistake, or that she has anything to learn by posting about it on here. So why start the thread?

Nightynight · 04/05/2007 16:10

she wasnt seeking approval, though, she was questioning it.

She didn't deserve the insults that she got. In this situation, I believe that it would have been better to post something more constructive that one's own opinion.

boyslovegranny · 04/05/2007 16:37

She did question it initially, but as soon as the overwhelming response was negative she went on to claim it was the right thing to do and she wasn't going to change her way of doing things. Which suggests that she was really after some support for her method.

I do agree that there was some harsh criticism, and I never agree with personal insults in a debate. But there were constructive points too.

I think the OP got (understandibly) defensive by the reaction to her pov and chose to reject everything.

Maybe she just wasn't expecting people to find what she's done quite so unnacceptable, or was looking for people who have used the same methods. But I do feel if people believe a method of disicpline is cruel or innappropriate they have the right to voice their opinion on it.

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