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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Girls! How do you deal with their endless "falling out"?

35 replies

emsiewill · 20/04/2007 17:06

My dd1 is 10, and has a group of friends at school who she has been friendly with since reception.

They fall out with each other all the time. Generally it's one subgroup "against" another.

She comes home and tells me "X said that she is best friends with me and Y, but then she also told Z the same thing. She's really horrid / stupid."

Or "me and Y were planning to live together when we're older. We had worked out what our house is going to be like and everything. I heard her saying that she would live with Z, and planning what pets they would have. I hate her".

I find it really difficult knowing what on earth to say in response to these kind of things. It all seems so petty and trivial. However, she gets really annoyed when I try to offer a balanced view, or get her to see it from a different angle. She wants me to say "yes, you're right, X and Y are horrid. I always thought so". However, I just don't think it's appropriate for me to blindly agree with her, I feel it's my role to lead by example, and help her to deal with these type of situations. And it is all so ridiculous as she makes friends with them again so quickly.

What do you think a parent's role is in this type of situation?

To completely back your child no matter what, even knowing that there will be more than one side of the story, and the "enemy" will have changed by next week?

To try and offer a balanced point of view, and ways to deal with it?

To stay out of it altogether and leave them all to it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotanOtter · 20/04/2007 17:07

i say i wont stand for it and dont want to hear about it- i am sure it still goes on but i make it very apparent i do not approve and do not wnt her to be part of it

TooTicky · 20/04/2007 17:09

Be balanced and don't get involved unless there is a real problem. My dd1 (10) has a girl in her class who will not allow the others to speak to my dd. Ffs. And this has been going on for ages. But regular chopping and changing is less serious, just infuriating.

Original poster

emsiewill · 20/04/2007 17:12

I suppose I find it difficult to be completely uninvolved as we have a reciprocal agreement with one of the girls involved - her (and her twin sister) come here for tea one night a week, and then they go to dancing. Dd goes to her house for tea one night a week, and then they go to gym.

So when they fall out, it makes these arrangements more difficult - am loathe to keep chopping and changing them depending on who's friends with who at the time...

OP posts:

princesscc · 20/04/2007 17:25

My dd has arguments with various 'friends' everyday. There's always something going on and tbh its hard to keep up! My answer is usually, stop fussing you'll be best friends again in the morning and they usually are. Sometimes when she goes on and on about it, I might ask if she wants me to say something, but she never does, so I tell her not to tell me then. My mother is a head teacher and has told me that year 5 & 6 girls are the worst of all years, and they will get over it........when they're about 18!

Original poster

emsiewill · 20/04/2007 17:29

Dd1 gets so offended if she thinks I'm not taking her seriously...

OP posts:

brimfull · 20/04/2007 17:35

I think you should stay out of it to a certain extent.
My dd is 15 now and seems to be over all the falling out now.

The one thing I always reminded my daughter about was to treat others as you would like to be treated.All this bitching may seem harmless enough until it happens to them and they are devastated and in tears.
My dd is very sensitive and hates bitchiness.
I think she's also learnt a valuable lesson about bitching ,she once said something that was confidential and quite bitchy and it spread like wildfire and caused no end of trouble.She learnt to never say anything she wouldn't mind the whole world knowing unless she really trusted that person.

pointydog · 20/04/2007 17:47

hmm good question. I play it all down.

I've got to go now but will retunr.

SSShakeTheChi · 20/04/2007 17:53

Well I don't think I would refuse to listen to it because you do want her to come and tell you things, so I would show some sympathy. You never know what horrible things can crop up and you wouldn't want her thinking, I can't speak to mum about it.

I'd probably say something like : "It's a shame she said that. I'd be annoyed about that too" and then leave it. If they're going to be best friends again the next day, you can't really get more involved, can you?

princesscc · 20/04/2007 18:26

I dont refuse to listen its just when you've heard it a million times about the same bunch of girls you can't help being a bored with it and generally by the time they get to 10, you know their friends well enough anyaway. Obviously, if a new girl on the block starts being grotty, then I will dig deeper.

kittypants · 20/04/2007 18:34

i ignore it!one day there best friends next worst enemies.!

Tinker · 20/04/2007 18:40

Oh, can relate to this sooooooooooo much. The last 2 of your points emsiewill seem to be teh best approach.

Has anyone had any other mothers ring them up about these spats? I did

shouldbedoingsomethingelse · 20/04/2007 18:42

I try to ignore it when my DD was in year 6 (she was 10 others were 11) she actually ran out of school because these "friends" were being so horrid. (I have to say it really was dreadful what they were saying (sexual things)) I invervened then by ringing the school.

The main culprit came to apologise to me and say they were friends now and I looked at her and her mother and simply said, "as this sort of thing has been going on since reception, I think is a safe bet that it will happen again so perhaps we should just be straight about this and I would rather you kept away from my daughter when ever possible. You 2 are never going to be best friends, face it"

Her mum was shocked but agreed and I have to say that most of the arguing stopped.

imaginaryfriend · 20/04/2007 18:48

Do you think they all do this?

My dd's only nearly 5 and so far she gets incredibly upset whenever someone excludes her or is bitchy. I worry how she'll handle all this later on. I know she might change and become 'chief bitch' but she's so incredibly shy and clingy I find it hard to imagine. She seems to want one friend who she does anything and everything with.

Are some girls unable to handle this stuff? Or do they all learn to give as good as they get?

princesscc · 20/04/2007 18:48

Ooo yes! Tinker, I've had a mother on the phone. Won't go into too many details (you never know who's on here!) but she phoned me to ask if my dd had a problem with her dd! It all got blown totally out of proportion, she demanded we saw the head teacher. She may as well have stood there with her arms around my shoulder, she was so shocked at what this woman was acusing. Anyway, she has since done it at least 4 more times with her other 2 dd's and she hasn't spoken to me since!

Tinker · 20/04/2007 18:51

Princess - I too won't give details but was a little bemused as to what to say. I just said something about being glad she'd told me etc. Had The Chat with my own but did feel peeved. Especially as said child had been particularly non-nice to mine for quite a while at teh end of last year and I'd just gone down the "That's lfe, find other people to play with" route

pointydog · 20/04/2007 19:45

sympathise with dd when it all goes horribly wrong, say you understand her feelings (but you're right, I would never agree that someone is horrid)
encourage her to keep a 'group' of friends - they are far more vulnerable to this sort of thing when they have just one best friend
try not to get involved, certainly not straight away. Very often today's utter misery all turns out ok tomorrow

Original poster

emsiewill · 20/04/2007 20:20

Thanks all for your thoughts. I think I will try to agree with her that what's happened is not nice, but not say that any one person isn't nice...

It's hard sometimes to hide my feelings when I do think one of them is being a bit of a wuss / drama queen. Dd1 wouldn't ever say "my mum says you're a...", but not convinced dd2 wouldn't, and she is usually privy to all these conversations.

OP posts:

imaginaryfriend · 20/04/2007 20:53

Was my question ignored because it's stupid and annoying in the way questions can be when they're about a younger child who hasn't reached the same stage?

vixma · 20/04/2007 21:00

Mabe support your daughter when she comes home unhappy, but talk with her about why they fall out and how does she feel hence also when she falls out with others and how they may feel. As you said they are mates again very quickley so nothing much to worry about unless there is bullying. You are intrested and it seems your daughter is confident in telling you what is going on in her life which is awesome.

Original poster

emsiewill · 20/04/2007 21:04

Sorry if, not ignoring you. Unfortunately, I think some never learn not to take it to heart. My dd gets annoyed, rather than hurt - she is v logical and can't understand why people chop and change so much. But others of her friends seem to be the sort to take it all to heart. I'm sure they get stronger as they get older though. (sorry if this makes no sense, Friday wine taking effect)

OP posts:

pointydog · 20/04/2007 21:04

sorry imaginary, sometimes I don't read the whole thread.

Girls are different and can have different roles and experiences of all this stuff, I find.

They are more vulnerable if they just have one friend. I think all you can do is gently explain sometimes people aren't very nice, a friend is someone who is nice to you, try and play with someone else for a bit and it might blow over, etc etc

KristinaM · 20/04/2007 21:07

I woudl empathise with her feelings but try to stay out of teh detaisl unless you feel its getting serious eg soemone is being bullied. as you knwo it will be different next week

I nod and mmmm and ask lots of questions, like

oh dear, how do you think she felt when X said Y?

why do you think she did/said that?

how did you feel about it?

What are you planning to do?

How do you think that will work out?

etc etc

imaginaryfriend · 20/04/2007 21:10

Thanks! Sorry, I don't mean to sneak in here and talk about a totally irrelevant age-group. It's very interesting to hear about year 6 girls. They seem like a strange other species to me at the moment.

Dd actually mostly plays by herself at school. And the teachers say she kind of drifts from group to group, joining in here and there and then drifting off again. I think a lot of this is to do with her being not terribly 'mature' in the girly stuff. Although I think she's very mature in other ways. I noticed at a small Easter party recently how one very dominant girl took over the play and dd just opted out and sat with me and the other mums and had rather a lovely time while another little girl continually tried to join in only to be told to clear off. She spent most of the time in tears. Sometimes it worries me that she doesn't even vaguely try to deal with conflict, others I think it's very sensible!

pointydog · 20/04/2007 21:22

it's also perfectly usual for 5 year olds to drift between people and not make any noticeably strong friendships till later on

stleger · 20/04/2007 21:26

If - there are not many girls in my dd2's class. Teachers and parents have tried many ways to overcome cliques etc. But they have been bitchy etc. since they were 5 - in a way dd1's class wasn't. DD1 is quite impressed (she has had Tracey Barlow moments herself) at some of the things they come out with aged 10. In fact, they have been like it so long they seem used to it.

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