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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Girls! How do you deal with their endless "falling out"?

35 replies

emsiewill · 20/04/2007 17:06

My dd1 is 10, and has a group of friends at school who she has been friendly with since reception.

They fall out with each other all the time. Generally it's one subgroup "against" another.

She comes home and tells me "X said that she is best friends with me and Y, but then she also told Z the same thing. She's really horrid / stupid."

Or "me and Y were planning to live together when we're older. We had worked out what our house is going to be like and everything. I heard her saying that she would live with Z, and planning what pets they would have. I hate her".

I find it really difficult knowing what on earth to say in response to these kind of things. It all seems so petty and trivial. However, she gets really annoyed when I try to offer a balanced view, or get her to see it from a different angle. She wants me to say "yes, you're right, X and Y are horrid. I always thought so". However, I just don't think it's appropriate for me to blindly agree with her, I feel it's my role to lead by example, and help her to deal with these type of situations. And it is all so ridiculous as she makes friends with them again so quickly.

What do you think a parent's role is in this type of situation?

To completely back your child no matter what, even knowing that there will be more than one side of the story, and the "enemy" will have changed by next week?

To try and offer a balanced point of view, and ways to deal with it?

To stay out of it altogether and leave them all to it?

OP posts:

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pointydog · 20/04/2007 21:30

stleger - interesting. Not many girls in dd1's class and so far have been much more prone to fallout bitch hell. More girls in dd2's class so there seems to be more flow between friends when things go wrong.

imaginaryfriend · 20/04/2007 21:41

That's an interesting point. There are quite a few girls in dd's class. And it's a fairly fortunate class in a sense in that there are only really two very forward / bossy / cliquey (?) girls whereas my friend's dd's class above is rife with hideous cliques and cruel behaviour.

stleger · 20/04/2007 21:42

Same with ours - dd2 has 9 girls and 17 boys in her class. One girl is returing to Australia next month. The other dd had more like a 15:15 ratio. They had some spectacular moments (the anonymous letter which dd handed to her best friend was a good one) but not the constant - observe and compare? My shoes are nicer, my hair more glossy, my dad's car faster etc.

Genidef · 21/04/2007 14:37

There's a book you might find useful - not about the falling out as such but would address your question about how to deal with her feelings - called "how to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk." you may know it - I heard about it on MN. Very interesting but also, unlike other books of its ilk, you can see how you might be able to put into practice what they say.

Good luck! I don't envy kids going through this stage, must say it brings back some bad memories!

Gemtubbs · 21/04/2007 15:01

Hello. I'm a bit new and don't have any children yet, but I found this interesting and wanted to reply if that's ok. I remember going through this phase when I was at school and it was not nice. Bitchy girls suddenly deciding that they don't like you for some unknown reason. When I talked with my mum about it, she would just listen and sympathise with me, but she wouldn't really get involved. I think that's probably the best way. Because this group of girl friends are likely to fall out every single week, it's probably best not to get too involved for the sake of your own sanity. I think sometimes it's a lesson that girls have to work out on their own, to treat their friends as they would like to be treated. Hope this is helpful and sorry I can't speak from a parent's POV. Love Gem.xXx

GeeGee2 · 21/04/2007 15:08

I normally try to listen but not actively join in until she;'s got it out of her system. I then just say that girls her age can be quite silly with all their fallings out and just to play with someone else until it has blown over (as it always does.) I do try to stress to her not to join in with the bitchiness (although I doubt if she adheres to this.) My DD6 is in a girl 'threesome' and they are always picking on one or other of the less dominant girls.

However don't make the mistake of saying anything 'negative' about any of the other girls it always seems to get back to them (and their mum.)

Girls also learns by example - the mums at school can be quite bitchy and cliquey as well. If I hear any inappropriate talk I take my DD away.

From what I can see it seems to be power plays amongst the girls. From experience some girls grow out of it but some never do.

Original poster

emsiewill · 21/04/2007 22:55

So, I think we're all in agreement that you listen and sympathise, but don't get involved when it comes to tales from school.

BUT, what do you do in the situation I had today?

Dd1 had her friend over today. They fell out, I told dd that as her friend was a guest it was up to her to do something about it (rather than leave her friend to play with dd2, which is what was happening). Dd1 felt she was in the right and why should she apologise, but begrudgingly agreed to make the first move. Friend didn't want to go along with it, and wouldn't talk to dd...

...of course they were friends again fairly quickly, and the day ended very happily. But do you agree that in that situation I had to intervene?

OP posts:

GeeGee2 · 21/04/2007 23:19

Yes, I think when friends come over, children have to learn that as hosts they need to be gracious and if this means that they need to make the first move then so be it!

WendyWeber · 21/04/2007 23:23

DS2 (aged 14, youngest in our house) has a friend at school, DS2 of 3 at their house, with a little sister aged 7.

Friend's mum was here today and mentioned that she was astounded after having 3 boys to find how bitchy and just plain horrible little girls are.

Dunno if this helps at all

RustyBear · 21/04/2007 23:48

I've found that this kind of thing generally starts around Yr 5 & gets worse in Yr 6, then you get the upheaval of secondary school when they're all getting to know new people, then it seems to break out again about Yr 8/9, when secondary school friendships start to break up. Sometimes you get it again at around 17, but by then they can generally deal with it in a more adult way (& in any case they're not so likely to confide in you!)

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