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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do i get them to behave ??? This can't go on

46 replies

nutcracker · 08/07/2004 01:42

I am still having big probs with Dd2 (4) and Ds (19mths) is now getting just as bad, as i feared.

I just cannot seem to get it through to Dd2 that her behaviour isn't acceptable.
When i tell people about it they either think i'm making it up as she looks like butter wouldn't melt or that i'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Finally her nursery teacher witnessed one of her milder tantrums at the school carnival yesterday.
Dd2 didn't know her teacher was watching her and when i took her to nursery this morning the teacher told me she'd seen her and admitted that she thought i must of been exagerating when i said she was a nightmare at home.

I tried a star chart but she soon got fed up of that. What do i do next ????

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

StickyNote · 08/07/2004 01:46

Did you see that "Little Angels" programme a couple of weeks ago with Katie who was about 3.5 and the queen of tantrums? The change in her was dramatic - I don't think I'd have believed it if it hadn't been filmed.

willow2 · 08/07/2004 01:54

So what advice were the parents given?

tamum · 08/07/2004 01:57

I'm sorry you're having a hard time of it nutty. This won't help at all, but IME children can be quite disturbed by moving house, even if it's to somewhere nicer. I know your problems with dd2 have been more long-term, but it may be that your ds will settle down again once he's really used to the new house. I hope so, anyway. Can't think of anything very practical I'm afraid.

Original poster

nutcracker · 08/07/2004 01:59

That is the only one i have missed so far (bloody typical).
All of them though so far have been typical behaviour of Dd.
Funny thing is, that when it's on Dd is ebgrossed in it.
I asked her if she though the kids in the programme were naughty and she said yes. Resisted the urge to say "well thats what you do all the bloody time" .

She is just wearing me out at the mo, and now Ds is doing it too i feel really drained.

I have spoken to the H.V and she reffered Dd for a hearing test which she past. She said she would notify the H.V and that they would probably contact me to arrange something else (yeah right).

Still think it must be something i'm doing wrong

OP posts:

tamum · 08/07/2004 02:02

Oh nutty, of course it's not you. There's a new program starting this week called Supernanny or soemthing. There was an article about it in the Times yesterday and coddy started a thread about it with her basic "rules". Maybe that's worth watching. Could you talk to your dd2 after one of the programs a bit more, ask her how she thinks the mummy in the program feels, why she thinks the child is behaving like that and stuff?

mammya · 08/07/2004 02:03

Hi Nutty, I've started applying some new principles with my dd and really getting results. When she's having a tantrum I say "I can see you're really upset, and I think it's because (...), and I'm really sorry you can't (...) when you really wanted to (...) but perhaps we could ...{} instead". I don't know if it would work in your situation but it's working miracles here. Sometimes I have to repeat things several time and it doesn't seem I get through all the wailing and crying but eventually it works. HTH

tamum · 08/07/2004 02:04

Here's the thread

mammya · 08/07/2004 02:04

Ooops! I meant we could (...) instead

Original poster

nutcracker · 08/07/2004 02:06

Did hear something about that nanny thing yeah.
I have tried to explain to Dd how her behaviour makes me sad or whatever but 5 minutes later she is at it again.
When she had a tantrum at the carnival my friend said to me "I don't know how you stay sooo cal;m and have so much patience with her "

Thing is it's not that i'm calm and patient at all, i simply just don't know what to do with her.

Several times this week i have had to run after her (several times she ran across the road).

She can be such a sweet lovely little girl at times, but just not very often.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 08/07/2004 02:14

Thanks Tamum i'll have a read of that.

Mammya - I do try that sometimes, but usually can't be heard over the screaming so give up. I'll try harder.

Just as an example the tantrum at the carnival was because she wanted to go in the arena but they had already said over the speakers that all non school children must get out.
I asked her to come out but she woouldn't so i had to go and get her as they were starting the performance. She screamed and screamed and kept trying to escape (i was holding her hand and the pushchair). A couple of times she said she would sit still if i let her go, so i did and she ran off. In the end i had to sit on the floor with my legs round her.

What else should i have done ????

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 08/07/2004 02:16

Meant to say also, that i did try to distract her, but no amount of books, bouncy castles or face painting would distract her.
Once she gets going she finds it hard to stop.

OP posts:

mammya · 08/07/2004 02:23

I really don't know what you could have done as I wasn't in that situation, but I'd just say to persevere, it took a few tries for my dd respond. But when it works it's brilliant. For instance my dd had a friend round for tea and started having a tantrum when it was time for said friend to leave. I told her "I can see that you're really angry with me because I won't let you watch another episode of Balamory with J, and I'm sorry that you can't do that because it's very late, but perhaps J can come and watch the end of the tape tomorrow morning". I had to say it several times but eventually she calmed down and said goodbye to friend without further problems. And then got lots of praise for being so reasonable. I was so pleased with both of us!

Miaou · 08/07/2004 02:30

Not sure this is of any help, but thought I would share it with you anyway ...A friend's ds was throwing a real good tantrum in the middle of a supermarket aisle. An elderly lady came up to him and said, "ooh, a wobbly, I love wobblies, can I watch?" Ds was so mortified he stopped immediately! My friend saw the funny side of it, not sure I would!

willow2 · 09/07/2004 01:32

... spotted by my sister in a Bristol supermarket. Small child having full on tantrum - no parent in sight. Alongside small child a homemade sign that read "Tantrum in progress - mother aware".

twiglett · 09/07/2004 01:37

message withdrawn

Kaz33 · 09/07/2004 01:51

Willow2 - perfect

Miaou · 09/07/2004 02:04

Twiggy, I think it is great, I just know what I am like when my dd2 had tantrums, I was almost ready to have one myself, and if anyone had spoken to me I would just have assumed they were being critical!! (Paranoid, moi?). That stage seems to be safely over now, thank God.

And sorry Nutty, I learnt bugger all about how to deal with them at the time and have no good suggestions to make!

aloha · 09/07/2004 02:16

I think Miaou's suggestions are excellent. I do similar things with my ds and it does seem to defuse their frustration before it begins. It can be very hard to be told you can't do what you really want to do, and sometimes I do think children want someone to empathise with their feelings and say, "I know, it's difficult isn't it? I can see you are sad and frustrated. I'm sorry you can do X. Maybe we can do Y instead." I find repeating this sort of thing like a mantra the minute I can see ds is feeling frustrated actually stops it escalating. eg he doesn't like being taken upstairs for a nappy change when he is watching TV or drawing, so I saw, "I know. You were enjoying that. It's fun isn't it. You don't want to go upstairs, but I have to change your nappy and then we will come downstairs and you can draw me a lovely picture/we can watch your favourite bit again." It might sound cheesy, but for us, it works.

aloha · 09/07/2004 02:17

Sorry, that was Mammya's suggestion! And I don't promise it will work with every child, but it's got to be worth a try

Lorien · 09/07/2004 09:45

Following on from Mammya and Aloha's suggestions, there is a book called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" which is basically built around the example that Mammya gave of "I can see you're really upset, and I think it's because (...), and I'm really sorry you can't (...) when you really wanted to (...) but perhaps we could ...{} instead."
The book is a bit cheesy, but I've found it really helpful in dealing with Ds1 (3 and a half). There are lots of examples and role plays to read through.

twiglett · 09/07/2004 13:17

message withdrawn

blossomhill · 09/07/2004 13:34

Twiglett, I agree with the ignoring approach. the more attention you give to bad behaviour, the more it carries on. I completely ignore and give no eye contact - it soon stops. The running in the road is different as that is obviously a safety issue, one I still have with my dd who is nearly 5!!! Plenty of practice helps, with my dd it's her language difficulties that stop her understanding the safety issue but I still try and drill it in.
NC - Do you not have a Webster Stratton behaviour group (organised by your HV) it could be very useful for good behaviour techniques, I went along to one but found it inappropriate for my dd as she does have special needs so things need to be adapted around that!
Good luck

aloha · 09/07/2004 13:52

I absolutely agree with ignoring bad behaviour and praising good (a LOT!) - I think it is at the heart of any effective behaviour changing strategy. The suggestion that I and mammya made works for us because it prevents bad behaviour - ie you give your child this feedback the moment you see them becoming upset or frustrated (and we all do from time to time - adult or child) and helps them to feel understood, which I think we also all need from time to time - adult or child. It also IME helps a child understand their own feelings, label them and deal with them - thus teaching them patience and self-discipline - very useful skills for the rest of their lives.

Twinkie · 09/07/2004 14:00

Nutcracker - one thing DD doesn't do is tantrums - think she is too image aware to even contemplate as she has got older but the few times she triend it as a younger child I lay down next to her and mimicked her behaviour and really let go - (was quite cathartic!!) - she looked at me like I was bonkers and asked me what i was doing - I said I was cross and angry and wasn;t being a grown up and saying why or talking about what was wrong but was being silly and acting as she did - may have been the wrong approach in terms of child brain doctors but it worked and I have to say she is terroibly well behaved if not the most pretentious princessy child I have ever met!!

With the little girl in Little Angels - their approach was about positive reenforcement and again ignoring the tantrums and bad behaviour to an extent but I thik with that little girl the biggest thig that struck me is they let her go to sleep on the sofa with a bottle of milk at 3 years of age - no good for them or her - she looked constantly knackered and it only took a very small amount of effort to change her sleeping habits completely which made a huge difference to them as a family and to her who demeanor!!

I am not saying that you let your DD sleep on the sofa at all but have you thought that maybe she needs more sleep??

blossomhill · 09/07/2004 14:31

I know the little girl's family who used to let her fall asleep with a bottle. They go to the same school as ds and live round the corner from me!!!

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