Feeling low.. regretting having a baby. :(

[two46oh1]

My 4 month old has screamed hysterically since the day he was born. Call me naieve but I honestly never thought having a baby could be so hard. I was prepared for the first few weeks being incredibly difficult with the frequent feeds and lack of sleep but from day one I knew something wasn't right as he just screamed and screamed. HV told me he was just colicky and that he'll grow out of it by 3 months, Paediatrician told me he has reflux and put him on ranitidine and aptamil pepti.
4 months later and he still screams hysterically - before bottle when he's hungry and after bottle for hours and hours until he falls asleep out of exhaustion. Some days he's a little better and can lie on his play mat for a few minutes but inevitably it always ends up in screaming. I have tried all the reflux tips, tried feeding him more, less, closer together, further apart, all forms of distraction/ entertainment to no avail!
I've ended up using a dummy pretty much all day and all night long just to keep my sanity but my mum keeps coming round and telling me how I shouldn't be getting him to rely on it and now I just feel like I'm failing at being a mum. No matter what I try I can't seem to make him happy. He still hasn't started sleeping longer than 2 hours at night so I'm seriously sleep deprived. I have anxiety attacks almost every day where I feel like I can't breathe, my nerves feel constantly on edge especially when I hear him crying. I end up crying myself most days.
Apart from my mum who comes round for a couple of hours a week I dont have any other friends or family who can help me.
My partner doesn't have the patience to cope with the screaming and works so won't do night feeds.
I feel so jealous of other mums who have peaceful and content babies and can enjoy their time with them and enjoy being a mum. I wanted so badly to enjoy this and get a sense of satisfaction out of being a mum but I am hating it so far and am so miserable. Some days I even find myself regretting having him and then I feel so guilty and ashamed for feeling this way.
I just want things to get a little bit easier.
Does anyone have any experience or stories of things improving or getting easier with their babies and at what age?
Im currently hiding in my bathroom with the fan on just to get 5 minutes silence. I'm really at the end of my tether and just don't know what to do.

Firstly ignore the relying on a dummy crap. If it works use it.

Unless your dm is prepared to help 24/7??
Speak to your hv about some baby groups to get out of the house. At least get out with the pram every day. . Same time to make it nap time maybe? Cut yourself some slack with meals and housework. . And when your dm does come round hand baby over and go to bed!!

I do feel for you so much - my DS was a crier and I remember the stress and distress of those days very vividly even though he's now fourteen! I remember walking with him in his pram listening to him scream and wonder how I had got mothering so dreadfully wrong. And yes, feeling so jealous of the other mums who were obviously doing a fab job!

In desperation we tried cranial osteopathy and that did help: he started to sleep better and seemed less scrunched up and tense. But I don't know whether it will help your DS.

However, it did pass - at about six months he was a smiley contented little chap. Once he could crawl and then walk, he seemed much happier. The early wakings didn't stop for a long time - but now, obviously, I can't get him out of bed.

I feel for you about your partner though: DH was a very hands-on dad and provided lots of support. Can you explain to your partner how difficult you're finding it and ask him outright to be more supportive?

The other thing I did (when forced to by my health visitor who was worried about me) was to join a mother and baby group where I made some new friends. We used to meet up every week and it was an absolute lifeline in those early months. Our babies were all the same age and we were all going through similar things. One of those babies is still DS's best friend fourteen years later!

Agree with above, also your baby has two parents - time for your partner to step up and pull his weight.

Oh god, you poor thing. It's so hard, isn't it? I found 4.5 months was peak awfulness with my first, and the point at which I most felt like I had made a huge mistake, and mine wasn't even a crier! Terrible sleeper, though. It did get easier after that, though, & it will for you too. I don't know how people who have colicky babies survive, you're my heroes, really. One of my NOT group had a colicky baby, she seemed to cry all the time and hweet poor mum was so frazzled, but by 6 months she was such a smiley wee thing.
If you think it's more than colic, and the reflux medication doesn't seem to be helping, then go back to the doctor and push. Otherwise, just do what works. Dummy, constantly holding the baby, sling, buggy, loud white noise, co-sleeping.... anything that helps short of feeding the baby gin. It sounds like you're not breastfeeding. In that case there is NO REASON for you to be doing all the night wakings. You can't go on like this. He needs to take at least one feed so you can get a 4 or 5 hour stretch. You wouldn't believe how much difference that would make to you.
I promise you that you'll look back on this as a hazy nightmare period that passed quite quickly one day. This is not your life forever. It feels like it at the time, but it's not. I can't tell you exactly when, but relatively soon it will be a distant memory.

Try the osteopath, try a few drops of peppermint tea (caffeine free/organic) in a syringe into his mouth (cooled)

I suspect his crying is digestive related - and he's in pain

Also try a hot water bottle - wrapped in a towel obvs and put that on his tummy to see if it can soothe him

Try a vibrating swing thing

Keep the dummy

You will get through this

You will survive

This will pass

I don't really have any advice for you, just didn't want to read and run. Let your ds have his dummy if it soothes him, that's what they are there for. It will get better

Oh you poor thing.

I found putting DD in a sling after feeds helped with the colic and reflux. She would fall asleep on me contentedly like that yet would always scream on a play mat or in her cot.

Have you spoken to your doctor about a dairy allergy if he is formula fed?

Colic is horrendous but it does pass. It will get easier I promise x

Hugs OP. It sounds like you've done an amazing job in surviving this long.

How long as he been on ranitidine for? It can take a couple of weeks to kick in.

My son was the same as yours. I spent the day holding him and doing everything one handed. It's so difficult.

I used to dread going out to groups and seeing people because he would always be the baby that cried. But it is worth forcing yourself because you will make some friends and just getting out the house helps.

It does get better as they get older.

When he wakes at night, do you always go to him and feed him straight away?

Also, can you get your mum to have him an afternoon so you can sleep? Can you split the night shift at weekends with your partner?

Dummy Dummy Dummy! He's not going to cry forever. Use what works, and be kind to yourself.

You sound like a bloody superstar, tbh.

I have a 3 month old and I am certain I wouldn't be doing half as well as you in the same situation.

I hope it improves for you soon.

Do what you need to survive, mine had dummies and yes it's hard to get rid of them when they were older but by then I was getting sleep and not going crazy. I co slept (including nap times) for survival!
No real advice for colicky babies as it was a long time ago and I have forgotten, including all the screaming! You have survived 4 months, they don't cry forever and although you might not be enjoying being a mum of a 4 month old this is such a small part of being a mum. Picture them being your best mate when they are older, reading you stories at 5 years old, or even just getting a proper break when they go to nursery at 2.

My DD had her dummy virtually glued to her mouth from birth until the age of 4 and honestly, it doesn't matter. No harm was done.
Do what gets you through.

You poor thing, you're doing a brilliant job
Has the paediatrician done any allergy tests? He may be lactose intolerant or other allergy.
As for your mum ignore her, do whatever it takes.
I hope things improve for you soon.

The constant crying is akin to torture.

Btw, happy baby does not equal good mother. Screaming baby doesn't equal bad mother. We don't choose the baby we get. You have not failed at anything.

I had 2 screamers/non sleepers, and one non screamer. Wasn't anything I did or didn't do.

The first year is the hardest, and you need help. Can your partner help? Can your mum help? Do you get on with her?

My mother made things worse for me by pointing out my failings, so only seek her help if she doesn't put you down. You don't need that.

If the dummy works, use it.

Good luck. It's hard x

Don't worry about the dummy. You don't see 10yo with a dummy in their mouth! This will work out.

And then YY about doing whatever works but I would also ask to see the paed again as clearly whatever he has done isn't hitting the spot so to speak. I would have expected that if it was reflux, the medication + milk would have calmed things down at least.
Also I fully agree. Your DC has TWO parents. Your DH might not want to get up at night but he edrtainly canlook afetr his own child during their HE weekend so you can have a lie in in the morning, a nap in the afternoon or a day off doingbthings for y Urself and finally having a break from looking after a cranky baby.

YY to baby groups so you aren't completely isolated. I foundvthings easier to handle out and about than on my own at home.
Is Sure Start still running in your area? You might get some help there.

Get him checked for a dairy allergy and get him on Neocate.

Dummys are the most amazing invention since records began. Use them. If you want a sample size of one then my DS was talking fluently by 18 months and is a bloody genius with language now. He got rid of his dummy at 3.5 years.

I had a reflux baby. Took him to osteopath at about 8 months. Not sure it helped but the osteopath got vommed on. It was a really had time. You need some time off. Walking, yoga, exercise... Anything that gives you some time off the constant crying. People used to say to me all the time "is he hungry?" And I wanted to shout "NO! If that was why he was crying I could just bloody feed him"!

He is now five and the most beautiful, kind, brave, loving little man.

Try and find every lovely moment and celebrate it. To be fair my moments were when he was asleep (and therefore not crying).

Speak to you health visitor or GP about how its affecting you too.

Huge sympathy op. I totally relate to everything you posted and started a thread similar when my eldest was about the same age.

I felt a bit cheated. Why did I get a child who couldn't sleep/settle/stop screaming for 5 minutes? Any of my friends who had babies the same age had textbook babies who did everything to schedule. Everyone said it would stop at 3 months but it didn't.

A big turn around for us was when she started to crawl. From then on everything got better and she was a dream toddler/child.

One thing that someone recommended to me on this board was listening to music with ear phones in when the colic got bad. That really helped me. I had the baby in a sling and was listening to my favourite music while dancing around the kitchen. I also was very fond of using the dummy and have no regrets about that.

My next child was a dream compared to the first and my experience was completely different. Some babies are just harder.

Please print out you post and take it and give it to your GP.
You are doing an amazing job, babies are tough (I've had 4), yours is super tough and you both need some help.

My daughter was exactly like this so I feel for you. She's 13 now and a lovely quiet girl. She does have sensory issues though and easily gets uncomfortable, which I now believe was the reason she cried so much.
She found a dummy soothing at that age and had no issues giving it up a couple of months later.

I'd ignore your mum on this one and get a dummy 💐

One last thing. My baby like yours did not seem happy at all. She was exhausted. She couldn't nap longer than 30 minutes or sleep for more than a few hours a night. She was miserable.

When she was 8 months old we decided to let her try to self settle. Rather than spending hours trying to get her to sleep we put her in the cot and sat outside the door. She cried for about 10 minutes which was torture for me. My husband checked on her a few times but insisted I stayed outside the room. The next night she cried for about 2 minutes. After that she napped for 2 hour stints and slept most of the time through the night. She was a much happier baby. So that and the crawling were two big turning points for us.

Sounds very tough. You need to go back to your GP for yourself and your baby. You sound like you have PND (which is very common when you have a high needs baby) and the baby needs more help with the reflux including a check that it isn't an allergy.

For my babies they slept really well in a rock and play by fisher price. I would suggest you get the one that auto rocks and vibrates. This price looks very high but it is this one that saved my sanity.

two I hear you! I have twins and they both had horrific reflux. The first month was hell, literal hell, I lost count of the number of times I called my hv in tears. She kept fobbing me off telling me babies cry for all sorts of reasons whilst I pleaded with her to help and told her there was something wrong. In the end she called round one day while my LG was screaming and rushed in all concerned asking what had happened. I shit you not, I was incredulous... when I told her that's what they were both like all the time she are humble pie apologised and got us in track with meds for reflux.

I'm not going to lie, I never had calm babies that cooed and really although the omperazole (which is the next step in from ranitidine) helped somewhat, they didn't really start to behave more 'normally' till they were sitting/crawling. Hang in there, it's bloody awful.

Slings are definitely great. I couldn't lay my two down flat at all or the screaming would start so prams and cribs were out. Dummies too, God send, the ducking motion helps them keep the reflux down.

Your dh needs to step up too

Massive hug and you're not failing.
Dummies are fine. DS1 was very similar - didn't have as much colick as your baby but cried. And cried and cried.
It does get better, we turned a definite corner at about 5 months, and by 6 months we were going to baby groups and enjoying it.
He smiles now (well usually rolls his eyes at the moment, as he's 12 and knows it all).
I know how awful it feels though when you are going through it. But your partner does need to step up as well, and give you a bit of time off when he gets in from work. no one enjoys a screaming baby but it's part of being a parent he needs to understand that means he has to put someone else first.
I did all the night feeds and DS fed every 2 hours for ages; it got better when he went onto solids.