7 year old dd, at the end of my tether

[hmb]

Help, I don't know what do do!

Dd has always been a difficult child, wonderful but hard work. She has always had the most awful tantrums but I had thought she was over the worst. But things are coming to a head aigain and I am just so worn out and tired I don't know if I can cope with another hellish holiday.

Last Saterday I had to carry her from a party because she was throwing a massive tantrum because she couldn't have the same sweet as the other children (She is 7!). She screamed in her bedroom for over half and hour

Today I picked her up from school with ds, sorted some new school clothes, cooked tea, washed her school clothes and polised her shoes ready for an after school function. She had lot her hair ban and I found her another which was the regulation school green with Tiny flecks of green. And that was all that needed to set her off. Millimeter bit of gold in her hair band and she starts to tantrum.

I am exhausted. I've been up since 5, in work all day, spent all afternoon running round after the kids. I'm worried sick about my dh, who is fine for the moment. And my mother has dementia. I am so tired I can hardly see, and still nothing I do is good enough for my dd and she is driving me insane. I don't think that I can cope with her having tantrum like this all summer.

I know that compared to some my life is easy. But at the moment I am so down I cant cope. I just lost it and yelled at her tonight.

I know she's not ASD- but a lot of her tantrums are quite ASD in what sets her off etc. Why not try some ASD techniques (I use them on DS2 who is as NT as its possible to be and they work quite well)?

Tantrums are always a difficult one. If ds1 is safe and the tantum is over something being "wrong" I'll explain to him why I can't change it then I'll walk off. Often he's liable to put his head through a window though so then I stay close to him but just keep repeating why X isn't like that. I try to keep physical distance though as much as possible as then I am less likely to lose my temper.

Another technique we use which works really well is countdowns. I use it in all sorts of places. If he won't come in, or if he's going over and about to go into meltdown over something. I just countdown from 10, but BIBIC did a warning at 5 minutes, 2 minutes, 1 minute, 30 seconds then every second from 10. At the end of the countdown he has to stop- so if its something that's driving him crazy and he's about to lose it then at the end of the countdown I take it off him. I know this works well with my friends dd as well.

I always delt with the tamtrums by 'ignoring' them, at a distance with the corner of my eye on her to make sure that she is same.

I had just foolishy and selfishly thought that at the age of 7 we were getting beyond them.

Mine may be NT, but sometimes I think that they are so close to the edge Jimjams. God knows how you cope, because for the life of me I don't know how you do it.

What is she like at school, is she a model child and just badly behaves for you ? I don't have any answers, I'm sorry, but I am going through some bad times with my dd too (she's 6.5) my daughter is extremely bright and talented and will only show these attributes to others when I'm not around. Some times when she is in a good mood with me, she can be so lovely.

I know this is a far out perspective on things and I know almost impossible, but I would almost go as so far as to say, that my dd is hormonal, I was talking to a friend the other day whose daughter is developing at a alarming rate and she's 8 and apparently showed signes of this at 7.

I'm sorry, I can't offer any practical help, but it may help to know that others are going through the same/similar

Hi hmb. My ds is 6.5 and I thought we were beyond tantrums until we were at a friend's house a couple of weeks ago and he totally lost it (on a boiling hot day mind you!) because I hadn't brought a spare pair of trousers. Shorts, yes, swimming trunks, yes but long trousers, no. He lay on the floor screaming at me like a 3 yo. He doesn't do it that often but it shocks me when he does, to realise that he can still do it at this age ffs! We told him off, ignored for a bit and then threatened stuff being taken away. It stopped in the end after about 10 minutes and my friend who has 2 younger ones being shocked that he still did this at his age. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in having an older child capable of tantrums. We still have a star chart on the wall, house rules typed out underneath them and a behaviour book with the threat of things being taken away if he persists after a verbal 'yellow card' warning and then a red card, when it's written in the book. 2 things written down = something taken away. I also STILL do distraction, really didnt think I'd be needing it now, but do sometimes. You have my sympathy. Being tired just makes everything 10 x worse, I know. Hey, at least your dh is ok atm (sorry to sound like Pollyanna!). Sorry about your mum. and sorry you've had a bad day.

Gold123, dd is very bright. Age 7 with a reading age of 12. School stretches her, and I think that part of the probelm in the holidays is that I can't give her the same level of stimulation.

And she is wonderful, but such hard work.

I'm just so bloody knackered. I'm working full time and I'm also doing further training, so I'm being 'examined' every day at work. It is all getting too much tbh.

Hi Hmb. I am so sorry you've having such a rough time. My ds1 has had a couple of tantrums recently, and I just want to shout "You're going to be 7 next week, not 2!" The thing is I know me getting angry is the worst possible response.

He is actually shattered at the end of a long term/year, with lots of excitement in it. They just need to chill out a bit.

SOMETIMES I can head off an impending explosion by correctly (telepathically!) reflecting back to him the cause of his frustration: "You are feeling cross because your brother has used all the smooth flat Lego bits that you wanted to complete your model" and then trying to get him to stay calm and suggest possible solutions to the difficulty.

I just thought that by this age he would be able to control his emotions, and manage his behaviour, without needing intervention by me.

Sympathy hmb. Sorry things are so tough.

Would dd enjoy a playscheme for some of the summer?

I think that you are right about the being tired thing.

I know that the kids need a holiday, but at the same time I am dreading it if she is going to throw tantrums. Last year the worst one lasted for 2.5 hours. And that is with ignoring it.

I know I shouldn't have lost my temper with her, it was an awful thing to do, but I just snapped. All this over a hair band ffs! And the only reason it was a different band was that she has lost all the others....dozens of the bloodly things.

She is going to have to do one for a couple of weeks while I finish my work....a week because she finished school before I do, and a week so that I can sumit my portfolio of work.

I just feel such a shit mother at the moment, I honestly do.

I bet you're not, though.
You're probably ALL exhausted. Why not add another week for you to have a rest?

You are not a bad mother, some children are just a lot more difficult to deal with than others, and a lot more demanding. I know some really placid, laidback, pretty well-behaved children, who've been recipients of some really lousy, inconsistent parenting.

I know my boys do not, and never have, vegetated in front of the television. They never switch off, they are always taking in stimulation, and usually talking constantly as well. It is very, very draining to live with, even when the behaviour is on an even keel.

PS The other day I told ds1's teacher that in my next life I was going to have placid, slightly thick children ... she was a bit horrified

I shouldn't grumble as then we have two weeks holidays booked once I submit. It just seems a long way away atm

Roisin

And the talking, which is wonderful, but omg! Endless. Today. What happens when you die, how do you want to die, what will happen to me......on and on and on

Simply on the subject of tantrums - I just read your bit about one lasting for 2.5 hrs with you ignoring it - The Explosive Child is well worth a read. Wedgiesmum recommended it to me, and on here. The hypothesis is that some children are particularly slow to develop the necessary tools to cope with frustration and to manage their emotions; and that the standard ways of dealing with the behaviour (i.e. ignoring) don't particularly help at the time, and don't make the incidents any less likely to occur again in the future. Although the book is largely directed at children with pretty extreme difficulties, there are behaviour management techniques, which I think are worth applying to less extreme situations. I have always said that ds1 seems to 'feel emotions' more strongly than other children. He has made amazing improvement in this area in the last 2 years, but is still 'well below average' IMO. I'm hoping some of the suggestions in this book will help me to help him avoid the explosions happening sometimes, and help him to learn to deal with his frustration better.

Btw does she ever have tantrums at school, or not? (My ds1 did a couple of times in year 1, but now doesn't.)

Maybe when they are a bit earlier we could put your dd in touch with my ds1 and they could just talk to one another!

Just another random thought - ds1 has had a couple of touch typing lessons at school, and is keen to persevere. I've bought him Mavis Beacon for his birthday in the hope that it may give him a way to get his thoughts down rapidly (and silently) without this constant need for chat.

She had grown out of them by year 1. She used to throw whoppers in reception. She saves 'em up for me, which I know is a form of backhanded compliment. She feels that she can be herself with me.

I also had the most awful temper. I don't loose it that often, a couple of times a year at most . It took time to learn to control it, and she is just like me.

Mu god, a dynastic mumsnet marrage per chance! Can you imagine what the grand kids would be like.

Thanks girls, you have helped me out of a deep hole tonight.

Oh ditto here hmb. I think that's the worst part for me, and what makes me so hard to like him sometimes, is that the things I dislike most about him are what I see most strongly in myself.

I used to have a terrible temper as a child, but managed to get it under control ... until I had kids. I must admit I have lost my temper a few times in the last 2 or 3 years.

Hmb, I'm so sorry. You have such a lot on your plate at the moment. I hate to sound utterly predictable, but it isn't possible that there's something really bothering her, is there? Getting picked on or something? I'm sure you've thought of that, but it is the sort of thing that could easily manifest itself as tantrums about things that are clearly not important in themselves.

Agree with everyone else, you are not a bad mother.

Good luck with getting your portfolio finished off. Hope you all have a good day tomorrow.

I've got to go now and do what I'm supposed to be doing instead of sitting on mumsnet!

Hi hmb, just to support what roisin has said about the book and its usefulness with behaviour management techniques (my DS is in Reception and his tantrums are legendary at the moment which is why I have been reading it). I think that you are working really hard and have a lot to handle at the moment. Dealing with a high maintenance child is as draining as a full time job, and you have all this other stuff to deal with, no wonder you are feeling down. Can completely sympathise with the endless talking (tonights topic was what you could buy with £10 million), I think so can his teacher who is having problems shutting him up in class too - great to have such a communicatvie child but tiring just isn't the word for it, and DD who is 3 seems to have taken on this trait too...

Hope that you are feeling better about things.

A friend of mine had problems with her dd when she was 7, screaming tantrums, refusing to wear certain clothes, trashing her room, tipping out the wheelie bin on the front drive, running away and once grabbing a kitchen knife and saying she was going to kill herself. Scary. Anyway, she first started to change her diet realising that additivies, etc set her off and then she looked into schools and moved her too a private school. Im not saying private schools sort the problem I think it was more of a case that the school she was at was rubbish and it wasnt doing enough for her. Anyway two years on its a total turnaround. She is doing great at school and doesnt have the outbursts anymore. In fact they pretty much stopped just by changing the school. Dont know if this helps but hope it does and that you are feeling better soon.

At the risk of repeating what pepsi said, my own DD was like you describe, hmb. She had tantrums over every little thing & she was such hard work. I never felt I actually liked her at all & at times I felt I almost hated her. I used to cry for hours & wonder what I'd done to deserve such a rotten kid.

Then she went to secondary school (a private one) & it was like overnight someone had flicked a switch & given me a real DD. I can only assume that she was really unhappy at primary. I didn't know & she never said. She always had hundreds of friends.

Apart from a brief return to demonhood ( ) in Y12 complete with unsuitable friends, she's back to normal. She's 18 years old & she is just the loveliest person. She's bubbly & friendly & polite... (& she doesn't live with us full-time!!!!)

She is in a private primary already!

She is due to mive up to the Prep site in year 3 and I think that will help her quite a bit. She has a real butterfly mind and I think that having a wider range of subjects will suit her down to the ground.

Tofat has been all sweetness. I think she realised that she had gone too far yesterday.

Watch this space ladies