6 year old son - lost his joy - hard to 'like' him:(

[Kesh]

This is part of an e-mail I just wrote to my cousin. After I sent it, I thought I'd paste it on here and see if anyone else has any suggestions. I really could do with some sound, sensible, common sense on this. I think I'm too 'close' to the situation to be objective

*Well, he's 'wet' and he fuss's and he whines and he goes on and on and on about small things and get's his knickers in a twist over nowt. He pouts and stomps off, tells tales on everyone, is very negative. I'm sure I've said this before D, but it's like he has no 'joy' or he's lost all his joy. He's great for a while and then he just becomes very, very irritating. He makes it hard to like him - not just me and Graham. I've noticed it with Grandma and Grandad and his friends at school. He cries at the drop of a hat. Oh God, I dunno, I could go on for ages and it sounds like I'm slagging my own little boy off and I'm not. I just dunno how to help him really.

He HATES football which is a real bummer because his class is full of footie fanatics, so he always finds himself on the fringe. Then, when kids do try and play with him, he makes up stupid rules, gets moody with them and after a short time, they piss off to play with kids who are less 'needy'.

Is any of this making sense to you?

Georgia, on the other hand, is just a barrel of fun - always looking for the humour in every situation. She's no where near (not even close) to being as academically smart as Robert but she just doesn't give a shit and I know it sounds odd but I just don't worry about her. I know she'll be fine. She might not apply herself to her school work bt she'll succeed through shear force of personality.

Oh I don't know - I'll see what his teacher says and go from there. She's been a teacher for years and she's seen it all before, so I'm hoping she'll have some pearls of wisdom for us!*

Hi have just read this and it's filled me up with different emotions. It's really hard to word them without sounding crap, this must be really hard for ayou all but at least you have an awareness of your feelings about ypur son at the moment,which is a good thing.
Maybe you could speak to dh and gp and change the way you respond to him when his behaviour is negative. Maybe he is reaching out for you to show him what is expected of him? Hope that didn't sound crap

It's just amazing how different kids can be. My middle daughter was very "difficult" from a very young age, whining, stubborn, negative, at times difficult to like. I realised after a long time (several years!) that I had a mental label for her as "the difficult one" which wasn't helping. I think it's one of those situations which feed back negatively on themselves - subconsciously you are reacting to them slightly differently and they pick up on this and react slightly more negatively themselves - it goes round and round. I made a very big effort to almost over compensate for my different feelings towards her, not treat her with favouritism, but to give a lot of physical and verbal affection, make sure we had special cuddly time together at the end of the day etc. Small scale, basic stuff but I do believe it worked. She doesn't quite have the jouie de vivre of my youngest, but she has gradually turned herself around and is lovely. I can now say she has her own strengths and I love her just as passionately as I do the other two.

Exactly sanae! You are more eloquent than me....

It sounds to me, like he needs something to be enthusiastic about, to give him back his joy if you like. Can you sit down and talk to him, and find something that might interest him as an extra-curicular activity which might make him happier, and let him meet other like minded friends?

I think sanae is onto something.

agree with sanae
I was feeling an element of what you describe, kesh, ds1 nearly 6 was really .....well getting on my tits is the best way to describe it. Wet wingey clumsy (although I would never say that to him) and dh prompted me to spend all of Sunday morning with him. We went for breakfast at my favourite cafe, read books together then took a bus ride by the ocean and he just sat on my knee and relaxed for half an hour with none of the usual clutter in his head e.g. Don't do that, sit up straight, don't let your little brother punch you, pick your feet up, wipe your hands etc etc etc. And it was lovely and got us both our joy back.

Do you think a good chunk of quality mum and son time is possible for you in the near future? It really works wonders.

Jeez, you lot are good. I think I'll try to combine a specific chunk of quality time with doing something he might be interested in - and see if that helps. I want to run away from some of your replies because they are so spot on and I wish they weren't!!! I do think about him 'differently' and I have labelled him in my own mind and it MUST be reflecting back.

He goes to Beaver Scouts which he loves, and he goes to Pentathlete Club one night after school (to let him have a go at different sports because footie isn't doing it for him). So maybe I need a mummy activity which is just for us two. Or maybe I do the breakfast thing and just go poking around the woods or the seaside or summat with him.

Oooer.....lots to think about now but thank you so much for your replies and understanding.

I'll let you all know how things progress.

Kesh

how to talk... has excellent advice on how to avoid the problems caused by labelling children. It gives lots of examples, which really help you apply the advice to your own situation.

Good Luck

footstep

Thanks for the book recommendation footsteps - now arrived from Amazon. Only read the first chapter but already, it makes sense.

Kesh

S'no good. I very nearly actively dislike my son a lot of the time. Tried all the advice and read the book and here I am, several months down the line and he still, well, gets on my nerves TBH.

He knows it. You can tell he knows I have a problem with him because he tries so hard sometimes to 'make' me love him. I DO love him. Most of the time, I like him but some of the time, well, some of the time I .....shit, I can't even finish of my sentence because I don't know how to. Sorry.

He irritates me when he loses control of himself - it's like he goes beyond over-excited. Way beyond. He starts screaching and screaming and when other people are the cause of his excitement, he becomes impossibly rude to me and DH and it's like he's a different kid.

I don't know how to turn this around. Please help us.

please

just bumping. No advice as I only have a one year old but I remember your thread from earlier on this year.

Just a shot in the dark but do you find him difficult because he reminds you of someone you had a problem with (maybe even yourself as a child?)

Not trying to be clever here. Just wondering.

Kesh - if it's any help, my DS (8 today) also does the screeching and screaming and having an "attitude" ("why should I do this? it's a free country"). I just put it down to being a phase little boys go through. Maybe labelling or a stereotype, but it helps me. On a practical note - does he get enough sleep?

Good news Kesh -They do eventually grow out of it! DS1 was exactly as you wrote in your OP, wet,whiny, trying to force others into playing his game by his rules, hysterical bla bla bla - and TBH I couldn't bloody stand him, I'd sit there with my teeth grinding as he had the umpteenth tantrum of the day - what made it worse was that DS2 is such a placid ,cheeky little monkey and DS1 just seemed to spend his time inventing new and excruciating ways of mentally torturing everyone. However, he's 8 now and something seems to have altered- not a huge amount just yet,but noticable. He's getting more helpful and willing to cooperate with me and his dad, but he's a lot more capable physically now so can do little jobs for us .He's also discovered cooking and I'm enjoying having him around a lot more, which is also stopping him attention seeking quite as much which i think is slowly breaking the cycle of his behaviour.
Lisa X

Thanks for bumping M&J. I think the new layout is taking up everyone's time and attention tonight. Maybe I should have waited for a quieter time before posting!

I don't think it's because he reminds me of anyone (or myself). I think it might be a personality clash but the thing is, he manages to clash with everyone eventually, not just me.

He's only 6 - this is maddness isn't? I'm becoming more and more concerned though. I just wish someone would post to say they've felt/had the same thing and this is what to do about it. At the moment, it just feels like I'm some how evil or wired wrong, to even have such thoughts about my own child

Have you revisted the book, I mean started from chapter 1, are you actually doing what it says. Could you help him create a new role for himself.

I just wonder if you're slipping back into old ways and your stuck in a vicious circle, meanwhile younger sister continues to be your source of joy so he's continuing to be irritating to get his share of attention?

Parenting is so bloody difficult

BTW it's my eldest that irritates me the most - perhaps it's curse of the firstborn???

Oh cross posts and what good posts they are too - Jamila, I think you just hit me with something I've been trying to say - I don't enjoy having him around much right now - that's the crux of it.

If, as CTA says and you've indicated in your post, it's a phase (for both me and him) then I can cope with it. I was just scared it was going to be a feature of our relationship for ever more and I can't stand that thought. That's just too sad and my little boy does not deserve to be lumbered with a mother & father who don't like having him around much, forever more.

Thanks.

Oh Kesh.

You know. I'm sure my sister would say the same thing about her five year old son. I can see the thought cross her face sometimes so you are definitely not alone.

And yes, he can be dreadful (not quite in the same ways as you describe but he's pretty bloody difficult and is so desperate to make friends that he makes things worse for himself).

All I can say is that they have had very consistent rules to guide his behaviour and gradually the tantrums are lessening as he develops the emotional maturity and the social skills to get along with people better.

Others posting on here definitely know what you mean too so you are not alone. Just hold on to the fact that you love him even if you can't stand him sometimes! It sounds like a lag between what he wants in terms of social interaction etc and what he can achieve in terms of his development and skills.

OK, that's enough from me as I have no experience and others do....

chin upxx

oh, he's a firstborn too...with a sunny, easy little brother.

It's not easy being the oldest. I know, I am one. I find social stuff harder than my sis does.

dd2 is 5 and in year1 at school and has meltdowns of being wrongly "accused" of doing something that she hasn't done, wants rule & regulations adhered too and I think it is a very common phase aroung this age. They like order, it's also when the tale telling peaks etc.

my six year old son is a fruit looop

CarGirl, you've reminded me that my sister says it's the rules and regulations thing drives her barmy. DS1 is always complaining that DS2 had one more biscuit than he did or was allowed to sit on the bouncy horse for one minute more than he was.

And if she lays down a rule he tries to negotiate extra, on everything.

I think he's just battling for space with his younger brother and finds arguing and screeching easier than his brother's approach which is smiling and kissing everyone!

I love both my nephews but I have a special soft spot for DS1 because he finds life harder and because underneath it all he's a lovely little boy. But I don't have to live with all the moaning

I'm an older child with an infuriatingly placid and charming little brother too - and I can remember the feeling of loving him and hating the little sod at the same time -so maybe it's an older child thing ,you have everyones expectations piled on you and to top the lot your little brother or sister is cuter,bouncier and more sociable than you are - maybe that's the key! the person your spiky hard to like LO reminds you of is you! This is far too heavy for this time of night.
Lisa x

Someone told me once, your first born teaches you how to be a parent. I think there's something in it!

Lordy, it's a relief to read your replies tonight though. I know it seems heavy Lisa, but for me, it's a load off my shoulders!

I think I might dig out the book and read it again. Refresh on some of it and as Cargirl has suggested, help him to re-create his role, at least within the family which might give him extra confidence and skills outside the family IYSWIM.

The insistence on fairness, equal shares, following the rules etc....beyond me! I was born to break rules