Might be a silly question but im curious - Do we give our kids confidence or do they naturally have it from birth????

[Biglips]

as my 2.4yrs old dd is very confidence in anything as she is more confidence than we are

gives a whole new meaning to baby sitting

Ds1 - nervous and sensitive creature, but confidence is growing all the time.

Dd needs to be injected with a confidence boost on a daily basis and what can appear to be confidence to others is often quite the opposite.

Ds2 OTOH, was born brimming with confidence and it's growing daily to the point of it being a total PITA.

So in answer to the OP, I couldn't really say as ours have all been brought up the same way, so it appears to be something that occurs naturally, but can be nurtured where necessary. What does one do about over confidence though?

Hmm, I've thought about this a lot as I was not confident as a child despite being unable to think of a single occasion where I was not fully supported by my parents. They were also quick to praise and I have always been 100% sure of their unconditional love for me so go figure.

I would do anything for ds to escape the constant self-doubt and sometime quite crippling shyness in social situations that I felt.

As an adult however I am much more confident and it seems to be something that I've learnt. I do have to push myself but I can recognise when I'm overanalysing things and "make" myself put myself forward etc. I think I come across as quite a confident person.

My younger brother has always had natural confidence so maybe it is just something you're born with.

oh god rhubarb, that is not what i posted is it. as suedonim rightly says it is a marathon not a sprint. besides which i didn't say parents were to blame. i said that the primary caregiving relationship was the important factor. I am sick to death of getting defensive rises out of people on here when in fact waht i'm saying is all out there for you to all read if you choose to.

i take responsbility for how i raise my child and am fully aware that i'm doing the best i can but in some respects it may not be optimum or even good enough. we do what we can given what we are given ourselves.

so much of this is not as simple as what we say to our kids or even how we are with them. this goes right back to how we feel about ourselves, during pregnancy, after the birth, how we are doing in terms of self esteem generally and in specific when our children are tiny.

parenting is the ultimate responsibility but in the end you do what you can do and hope that it is good enough and that if it isn't it can be repaired.

i'm going to stop posting about this as it just winds me up to hear all the utter bullshit and ignorance on this subject and the total lack of basic understanding that of course what we as the primary caregivers (or whoever is that) of our babies and children are and do is hugely impactful and imo and in the opinion of many (not all certainly) researchers it is the important factor, not least because it is one that it is possible to change, through education, through availablility of parenting classes, thearpy and counselling for parents and family therapy.

it doesn't sit comfortably and it isn't easy to take but that doesn't make it untrue and i'm tired of getting defensive flak on a parenting website ffs when i talk about it.

go do some f*cking reading all of you.

I was interested in Xenia's point about the relative confidence of private school educated children V state; I was state educated but when I went to Uni I found I was mixing with pretty much a half and half mix of private and state, and what interests me is that for SOME people this private school type of confidence is more about presentation skills than real inner self confidence; they know how to present themselves, how to come across; but for a good few of the people I knew there was certainly a big lack of self esteem at the bottom of it all and this did affect how they acted and behaved, they went off the rails a bit more with the wild living at uni and wee definitely more susceptible to peer pressure....I arrived at Uni definitely a state school kid but I had rock solid self esteem which gave me strength of character and confidence in my own views, that some of the private school kids lacked.

So for me, self esteem is so important - to let kids work out what they think and that it's ok to stick to your beliefs, it's ok to be different and not be led. It's certainly one of the hardest things to do, certainly when you're a teenager.

But I wish there was a manual on how to give confidence, I'd read it!

Sophable, they are going to hit you with a stick.
I agree a lot with what you say. My ds is not that confident, so it is something I have thought about.
It is interesting what you say that a lot goes back to how we feel about ourselves, it is all complicated.
Please do not stop posting about this, it wouldn't do the site any favours, if some of us get pissed off about it, it says more about us than about you. As you said the reasearch is out there.
I think it is important that we are not aiming for perfection, being a good enough mum and dad is sufficient.

I actually think children are born with it, and others aren't - I believe it's mostly in their 'make-up' before they even enter this world. Look at siblings who come from the same parents - some are extroverted, outspoken and willing to try anything, and others are shy, quiet and reserved, right from the beginning.

Yes of course we can influence their self-confidence as parents, but I don't agree that we are responsible for the majority of it. I could see what my ds' nature was like from the day he was born!! And he has grown up to be exactly what I thought - very independent & opinionated, but happy, outgoing & friendly. He's had a few knocks in the confidence area, but he always bounces back because that is his nature. He's lucky indeed, because I took knocks a lot harder when I was a child and was more affected by them. I was a different personality to him all together though. I also have two stepsons who were raised in the same family, and they couldn't be more different from each other even though they came from the same parents. I believe we are born with very strong pre-dispositions - of course we can nurture and encourage our children, but I believe their personalities are basically inherent. I read an article saying exactly this, only a couple of weeks ago - that children are pretty much the way they are from birth.

Having said that though, children who experience traumatic events or who are raised without the security they need, will obviously be dramatically affected by it. Mediterraneo, I agree with your post about how you were raised - my background was very similar to yours and I do believe this has affected me, which is why I refuse to move around while my son is young. I want him to have the security and stability that I never had. By the time I was 7, I'd lived in three different countries and had gone to several different schools. We finally settled in the same place when I was 12, but I was very affected by constantly having to start again.

Have to agree with sophable.They are born a certain way and as soon as they open their eyes they start aping us. They absorb all the good and bad.
You have to project positivity. You are responsible for the patterns of behaviour they will reproduce in latter life wether you like it or not.
Just think about your own relationship with your parents.Emotional backgroung is paramount in what they turn out to be.
DS was always a very calm little person. Hewas the sort that would let everybody take their turn on the slide and politely sit there untill there wasn't anobody left.
Both his dad and me are absolutely non confrontational people. So he just chilled!!
I had to teach him to go ahead and push his way through. To look people in the eye and take back what's his.To praise him and encourage him constantly.
Now he is a boisterous confident, fun living little boy like the others in the playground.
But I do realise it's marathon.
Before I had a child I did not realise how much I would learn about myself just watching him. You might not always like what you see, but there is always room and time for improvement.

Message withdrawn

So what are the best things to do to ensure your child gets the best shot at being confident then? What should I be watching out for in the way I act, since I've been unable to pinpoint so far what it was in my own childhood that contributed towards my own shyness?

Actually, just typing that I've realised that my mum was huge on respecting others and behaving well in public. She always made a big deal about how proud she was that she could take me anywhere and I would behave. Which thinking about it made me value quietness and meekness and worry way too much about what other people thought of me. And I can actually see this starting already when I get really uptight when ds (3 months fgs!!!) cries loudly when we're out or even when people come round and I worry that they're getting annoyed or think that ds is a "bad" baby .

Oh no! What can I do about this???

you've just done it shona! awareness is the biggie and from that action can follow...you can constantly monitor yourself for setting up the same thing. Good insight!

FWIW I'm not sure that 'confidence' as we value it in 21st century britain is the be all and end all. Inner self worth is not the same as being at the front of the queue and happy to address the whole nursery....

Real confidence is revealed through resilience (when the child cannot do what it sets out to, it tries again and does not berate itself for its setback), an internal sense that you are good enough and that in fact all of your self is worthwhile and valuable, including the bits that might mean that sometimes you are naughty or behave in ways that others disapprove of.

Yes, the willingness to come back from set backs and persevere is really useful, 'high self esteem' - ie thinking you are just fantastic and probably better than other people - isn't.

I don't get what sophable is so narked about. There are loads of people who think confidence is nuture rather than nature and vice versa.

But if you are the parent of an under confident child then of course you feel a bit put out by the suggestion that this might have happened by nurture.

Yes children do ape their parents and pick up a lot of their traits such as phobias and so on, so there is something in the theory that under confident parents will produce under confident children no matter how hard they try.

But all of these things are just theories. Parenting is incredibly hard and no matter what you do, you'll end up feeling that you didn't do it right because of some new piece of research that says so.

We all have different views on stuff, but no-one is having a go at you sophable.

"Inner self worth is not the same as being at the front of the queue and happy to address the whole nursery...."

Really interesting point, soph - that's something I found incredibly reassuring in the "Child of Our Time" programme: the children who were 'shy' were some of the most inwardly confident (ie., were happy about how they fitted into the world, had good self-esteem, felt secure and loved) - even though that inward confidence didn't neccessarily manifest as outward confidence.

My children are both shy (ds2 less so - ds1 really struggles) but I have constantly tried to bolster their confidence and I hope that the outward shyness hides little people who - inwardly - are happy with who they are. Time will tell.

Message withdrawn

DD1 was a very confident child, but is increasingly less confident despite my best efforts. DD2 is full of confidence and I am trying to keep it that way. I agree that they are born a certain way but outside influences gradually change them- mainly, I think, peers rather than parents. I was the same (very confident child, very self-deprecating adult with no real self-worth)and DH is the opposite - no confidence to almost arrogant. I want my girls to be confident but not cocky. It's hard to balance

Are the Child of our time tapes available? I missed most of them.

Funny isn't it? I stayed at home with dd and took her to loads of places, we baked, made crafty things, went on long walks etc yet she still needed constant reassurance and still does.

The thing that boosted her confidence the most was taking her to France where she had to learn the language and make new friends. So she is better than she was but she scares easily, is shy to the point of embarrasing and "can't" is her favourite word.

With ds I've been a working mum and he's been in creche since the age of 18 months. He is also quite shy but he has far more confidence than dd and we don't have to constantly reassure him like we do with her.

I do think it is the way they are born. dd was a very quiet and placid baby, ds was more boisterous. I think we can change them a little by what we do, but it is an uphill struggle if they are naturally inclined a certain way. It's like trying to make a natural girly girl a tomboy.

This is spooky - I've looked at 2 threads today, and both relate to things I have been discussing recently (the nightmare one being the other).

Been having lots of conversations lately with friends about our childrens' personalities. Of the 4 of us who've got 2, the older is more nervy and less confident, while the younger is more robust and confident - this is from a mix of older boy/younger girl/same sex siblings etc) We came to the conclusion it was at least in part down to us as parents being more confident second time around.

I'd also say that outside influences play a big part. I'm an only child and my parents were great at being supportive, loving - and consistent. THey encouraged my interests, never tried to hold me back, praised me etc.

When I was 7 we moved, and I went from a small school where I knew eveyone, to a much bigger school, where I was the new girl. Confidence never recovered, and had a particualrly miserable time in my teens. AM better now, but still pretty insecure.

My parents never wavered in their support and encouragement, but I do wonder if they tried to look after me/protect me too much?

As I said on the nightmare thread, I'm not sure if being a bit tougher on me might have done me more favours?

Difficult one really, as I had an idyllic childhood with them, and couldn't fault them, but I am keeping this thought in the back of my mind when dealing with ds & dd.

dd1 is not confident
dd2 is very confident

don't really understand why

snap enid

I worry for dd1 sometimes, very odd behaviour imo, in new situations she is dreadful

am dreading school

Wonder how many of us have first children who are not very confident and then siblings who are?

I am quite confident, as is dh

They have both been brought up the same, same childcare and work balance etc etc

maybe as you don't have as much time with the second you don't hover about and worry over them so they end up 'tougher' iyswim?

no idea

dd1 has been at bit embarrassing at times re confidence but she actually rather enjoyed school (the routine and discipline)

she hated nursery though and still hates getting things wrong

yes! getting things wrong, distraught

cries at the slightest thing

needs rules too and gets quite annoyed if you do anything differently