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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

when should day comforters ( not dummies) be stopped or not encouraged ?

85 replies

mummydear · 15/02/2007 17:52

Know a child who is 4 and carries a muslin cloth round and it is given to her at the first sign of distress. Child takes it to pre school etc , I find it unhygenic as it often gets flung around by the child.!

Any thoughts ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

suejonez · 15/02/2007 19:49

Can it dovert a secnd several people have said "a dummy on the other hand causes buck teeth " or something similar. My sisters dentist said its an old wives tale and buck teeth are usually caused by an overbite.

Any dentists like to comment, I'd love to know.

noonar · 15/02/2007 19:51

sue, my dd1 had an open bite due to dummy. she stopped sucking and teeth corrected a year later.

Roobie · 15/02/2007 20:00

I think it's only natural for a parent to fret over babyish habits that linger on. Dd has her manky cat but I just keep telling myself that you never see a 15 year old with a pacifier.

suejonez · 15/02/2007 20:03

How old was she Noonar? The dummy was a godsend when I adopted DS as it really did help him with what was quite a stressful situation. I'm trying to gradually wean him off it so that he only has it when he's very tired/distressed. He's 14 months.

Aloha · 15/02/2007 20:28

The point of a comforter is that it enables the CHILD to deal with the distress. Just like, if you were scared at having to have an injection or watching a scary film, you might hold your dh's hand or twiddle a hanky or clutch a rosary, depending on your habit. Then you will be better emotionally equipped to deal with the experience. Holding your partner's hand doesn't mean you don't engage with the experience, it just gives you a little comfort so you can do it more happily. A little bit of muslin or a teddy under one arm doesn't prevent a child doing anything, it gives them a little bit of confidence and security, that's all. Why on earth would you want to take it away?

Aloha · 15/02/2007 20:29

I mean, it's not as if the parents are gagging her with it
She is still able to experience everything and express the full range of emotions for heavens sake. it's not a cage, a gag or a blindfold. it's a harmless bit of cloth that a very young child finds comforting.

Aloha · 15/02/2007 20:30

You really don't like this kid much, do you?

McDreamy · 15/02/2007 20:31

I totally agree with Aloha and read a really interesting article a few months ago saying exactly as you say Aloha, how they are a positive thing.

Overrun · 15/02/2007 20:33

Aloha, I think that it is the the parents that Mummydear doesn't like very much. Do they know that you disaprove of them?

Aloha · 15/02/2007 20:35

IMO it is a good lesson to learn in life, that you can regulate your own responses to events. I think she has sensitive and responsive parents who don't mind that other people don't approve of their little daughter's scrap of cloth, but give it to her because her happiness and security is more important! How awful to make your child unhappy because an onlooker disapproves of you!

FrannyandZooey · 15/02/2007 20:41

Just slightly playing devil's advocate here, I would personally rather see a parent trying to comfort the child themselves than just thrusting the comforter at her. I have no problem with a child using a comfort object for as long as they want / need to (I had a blanket myself until I was hugely old) but I do sometimes feel sad when a comfort object is given in lieu of the parent's presence / attention. I agree self-comforting is an important life-skill, but feel that while children are young they should be getting comfort mostly from another human being rather than an object. I hope I am making sense here.

Original poster

mummydear · 15/02/2007 20:43

Overun _ I Haven't spoken to the Mum about it. she is a friend and very senstive about her child and her needs. I wasn't going to speak to her anyway as it is not my place to as we all have differnt ways of raising our children, but it doesn't mean to say that I can't get frustrated about it and have some comment about it on a parenting forum without being ganged up upon.It has been on my mind for a while and I do get a bit frustrated at times about the way they deal with her. just wondered what everone else thought , just as well i haven't said anything to her as its seems that I am in the minority and shall leave it run its course.

In future I shall keep all thoughts about the way people deal with their children to myself.

Oh Mumsnet can be such a friendly place !

OP posts:

Overrun · 15/02/2007 20:56

Sorry, that you feel that way. Please don't self censor, I guess you just hit a nerve with this post.
As you say, we are all entitled to our opinions.

shosha · 15/02/2007 21:11

Message withdrawn

Leda · 15/02/2007 21:19

In response to F&Z: My daughter is extremely attached to a filthy penguin. If she?s hurt or scared she wants to be cuddled by me, while she cuddles ?Baby Pengie?. She also tells him what things are dangerous and when he should be careful.

I think it just helps her feel in control and in no way do I think it is a replacement for the comfort I can and do give her. (She?s 2.7 if that makes a difference.)

Blu · 15/02/2007 21:23

Mummydear - I'm sorry you are having a bad time on this thread, but you do seem to be missing an important point.

If you were saying "should i help my friend deal with her daughters tantrums?" or "my friend has asked me what i think...and i don't know what to tell her" it would be for you to comment on. But all you seem to be doing is commenting on what you see as their inadequate parenting...and that gets called being judgemental - aka bitching about your friend! We're just saying " since there is no harm being done, and since it is probably fine for this to happen, we are not interested in bitching about your friend".

FrannyandZooey · 15/02/2007 21:41

Leda, I hope my post wasn't critical of those parents whose children do have a comforter. I think for most children their comfort object / thumb / dummy is part of an armoury of methods they use to comfort themselves, which also includes parental comfort, etc. I must admit I have seem parents use a comfort object in the way mummydear seems to be describing, and have also found it slightly sad. Not the fact that the child has the comforter, I don't find that a big deal, but the fact that sometimes it seems to be the default option for when the child is upset, rather than physical contact with a parent. It sometimes seems to be yet another way of encouraging independence from adults, something I think we push children to do before they are ready.

Vindaloo · 15/02/2007 21:55

Hi just quickly scanned over this thread. My dd is nearly 3 and she has a thing for bibs, any bibs - old, new, freshly washed, dirty -whatever. I did not thrust this on her (if so I would have chosen something a bit more 'usual'!!) - it really truly was what she seemed to hold onto since very little.

I dont make a fuss about it and its certainly not a substitute for my cuddles/comfort. I have to say I havent thought about when she is school age, whenever she's ready to give them up then fine by me.

Original poster

mummydear · 15/02/2007 22:08

Great ! Not only am I judgemental but now I am accused of bitching

If I wanted to bitch about my friend then I'd talk about her to some of our other friends.

I'm not into bitching , perhaps I needed to get this off my chest but obviuosly Mumsnet is the wrong place for it !

OP posts:

Othersideofthechannel · 16/02/2007 13:37

I'm 34 and I still cuddle my comforter (given to me when I was a few months old) to get to sleep when DH is away.
But he (the comforter) was not present on our wedding night!

Sakura · 18/02/2007 13:17

I give my 5 month old a muslin cloth to suck because its easier for her to find than a dummy. Ive just started to give her a dummy too, because it really does soothe her and centre her. After the first 4 months of not giving her anything to suck because I felt I was trying to shut her up instead of finding out what she really needed, I decided that what she really needed was actually to suck, plain and simple. Shes obviously less distressed when sucking on something, so why not? I used to suck my hair until I went to school for comfort. SO I think that I would probably let my DD have that muslin cloth for as long as she needs it.

juicychops · 18/02/2007 14:23

my ds (2.2) doesn't have a particular comforter but when he is slightly distressed or has hurt himself or when he's calming after a tantrum he wants a blanket - any blanket.

I make sure he has one with him most of the time usually on his lap in the push chair. But if he's having a tantrum in his bedroom (which is where i put him to have his tantrums) he has to be calm and stop moaning and be sitting quietly on his chair before he can go and get a blanket as if i got it during the tantrum i feel i would be giving in to a demand

SmileysPeople · 18/02/2007 14:59

My Ds is nearly 4 and still has his blankie.

Never crossed my mind this was a problem.

He really only wants it while tired. Hin in bed. If sleepy and watching TV. On longer journeys in the car.

It's always around just in case and we have replicas.

I love the look of relaxation and comfort that comes on his face when his gets it, and it's usually accompanied by wanting to snuggle up with us as well.

How could that be a problem?

SmileysPeople · 18/02/2007 15:01

Bit [shocked] at poeple restricting a 1yr olds access to his blankie though.

You meanies. They'll grow out of it eventually.

Or not...and have them with them on their wedding night

Elibean · 18/02/2007 15:44

Joining general topic...dd (3.2) has Cat, a very jaded one, and he fulfils amazing functions. First and foremost comforter, but in the last year or so he has also been a Scapecat, an Alter Ego Cat, a Lickle Sister Cat, and a Best Friend Cat depending on what dd has been sorting out in her mind.

She does all her sorting with various human beings too, but Cat is a really useful role-play object for her - and I learn a fair bit listening

Re OP: I'd say it may or may not be to do with parents not having alternative coping mechanisms/resources, but unless the child is distressed by it, or clearly not getting enough parental attention as well, I would'nt worry about it. As for hygiene, don't suppose a grubby muslin or two will make a bacteria's worth of difference at pre-school

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