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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

when should day comforters ( not dummies) be stopped or not encouraged ?

85 replies

mummydear · 15/02/2007 17:52

Know a child who is 4 and carries a muslin cloth round and it is given to her at the first sign of distress. Child takes it to pre school etc , I find it unhygenic as it often gets flung around by the child.!

Any thoughts ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Aloha · 15/02/2007 18:21

Yes, of course we can post opinions. That's precisely what people are doing!

WigWamBam · 15/02/2007 18:24

You're not posting an opinion.

You are posting a judgement on one particular person, who may very well be reading this.

Big difference.

And yes, we're entitled to an opinion. That means me as well.

Original poster

mummydear · 15/02/2007 18:25

I am interested in what people have to say but only to add to perhpas debate on the matter not unconstructive things like 'so what ' ' its not your problem ' its notning to do with you ' etc etc.

OP posts:

mollicat · 15/02/2007 18:27

My ds used to have a dummy and a blanket (which I made when I was pregnant) He was stuck to his dummy like superglue, It went when he was just over 2 I told him it was going down the road this week to a little girl who needs it. (That way he didn't blame me) It worked 2 days later after alot of reminders that he was going I took it away and he couldn't have cared less!! everytime we go down the road he tells me that the little girls got it with a smile on his face like he's done good.

The blanket on the other hand is ripped to shreds but it stays, we leave in in the car on journeys but he sleeps with it every night and has to know where it is at all times.

I don't see the harm in having a comforter - a dummy on the other hand causes buck teeth so I do object to them long term but you know when your child's ready to give it up, some kids need it, if it makes them happy then whats the big deal, there's alot of adults out there with cigarettes in their bag or makeup they cant do without.

JARM · 15/02/2007 18:32

my 2.6yr old has a cuddly duck (and the blasted dummy) and she very rarely is parted from them. She loves the duck to bits, it goes everywhere with her when in the house, and I am not going to take it away.

The dummy is a work in progress, she was very ill last week with this cough/cold/flu thing, and reverted from sleep only to "whenever" so we are working on restricting it again.

If when she starts pre-school in September she wants to take her duck with her, who am I to stop her? She will be out of her "comfort zone" and may want that reassurance.

I do find your posts quite judgemental.

Kelly1978 · 15/02/2007 18:32

I agree with aloha.

I relaly think that comforters should be given up when the child is ready. ds had a rabbit, he gave that up when he was about 3 I think. dt1 has a blanket. dd and dt2 have never had comforters. Well, dd and ds had dummies but I took those away at 6 mnths I think. But dumies can delay speech developement or cause dental problems, so I think that is different.
I had a comforter and I think mine lasted til I was about 8 or so. I didn't take it to school, but I couldn't sleep without it. Then I realised it was falling apart, which really upset me, so I started to jsut leave it beside my bed. I still have it now, though obviously for sentimental rather than comfort reasons!
I really don't see any problems with comforters.

sunnysideup · 15/02/2007 18:34

the child is unlikely to have it when she's older, so my thoughts are that this isn't a problem. 4 is still very very young, this sort of comforter is very common and normal with this age group.

She will naturally drop it in her own time.

I wouldn't see it as anything odd.

Original poster

mummydear · 15/02/2007 18:34

My opinon is that I dont think the child needs it and I think that it is very much parent lead.

If you wish to think me judgemental then so be it.

People have already been judgemntal by posting that I dont know the child or family which is not the case.

OP posts:

fizzbuzz · 15/02/2007 18:34

My ds had a toy dog he would not be seperated from. It went to school with him all through reception, and sat on teacher's desk, with all the other "comforters"

In Y1, he still took it, but left it in cloakroom.

In Y2 he was meant to leave it at home, but it still got sneaked in to school.

Finally left it at home Y3

Still goes wherever he goes now (AGE 13!), although he has allowed it to be washed!

I think you should leave it up to dd. She will stop wanting it when she stops needing it.
HTH

WigWamBam · 15/02/2007 18:39

Your OP doesn't ask for a debate about comforters in general, it asks for opinions about one child. You also give your opinions about one child, not about comforters in general.

A more broad debate might be interesting, and yes, of course you might get other opinions. You might even change your mind. But that really isn't what your OP is about, so it's hardly surprising if you haven't got the debate you wanted.

It's a personal thing, isn't it - each child who has one has it for a different reason, maybe only at one particular time of day, maybe only when they're tired. They really aren't a problem - at any age. And I still maintain that whether a child has them or not, it's nothing at all to do with anyone else. It might not be something you or your child want, but other children do - and other parents are more relaxed about it. And I do think that it's judgmental to tut over someone else's parenting, and the needs of someone else's child.

Chloe55 · 15/02/2007 18:40

My friend (26) has a teddy called Ted, he's disgusting, she's had him from the day she was born - I threaten to throw him away when I go to her house (I never would, she would literally break my neck) - he also shared the bed on their wedding night and made a guest appearance during the speeches

Original poster

mummydear · 15/02/2007 18:40

Sorry what was the thread title ? Perhaps too much info in OP .

OP posts:

Kelly1978 · 15/02/2007 18:41

that is an good point wwb.

mummydear, what makes you believe that the child doesn't need it?
I think maybe she didn't need it at your house becuase she would have been more distracted.
Have you ever suggested to her parents that maybe they shouldn't immediately grab the comforter?

Original poster

mummydear · 15/02/2007 18:44

WWB said 'And I do think that it's judgmental to tut over someone else's parenting, and the needs of someone else's child. '

Does that happen alot of the time on MN ?

Aren't we allowed to discuss different types of parenting and differing needs of children ?

OP posts:

noonar · 15/02/2007 18:47

i do agree that dummies/ comforters CAN be used as an alternative to addressing distress. my dd2, who's 2.5, still has her muslin when we go out, but only wants it if tired etc.

will ditch it before school, if it comes to it...maybe by making it smaller.

MD are you a mamber of preschool staff?

Califrau · 15/02/2007 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnysideup · 15/02/2007 18:47

mummydear, why is it such a problem if it is parent led? The child would bung it away if she wanted nothing to do with it, so she obviously doesn't mind having it. The parents cannot be doing her any harm, it's only a muslin! I really am trying to get what the problem is in your eyes...really. Do you mind explaining further, I am not trying to be deliberately obtuse here!

noonar · 15/02/2007 18:49

ps, mummydear, am actually glad that dd1 has her muslin, atm. her sis had a dummy. now a 4 yo with a dummy in the day is a whole diff thread....

Original poster

mummydear · 15/02/2007 18:54

I just find it strange at times and there are other issues surrounding this child - she gets everything she wants , the parents cannot seem to be able to deal with her tantrums etc and spend alot of time trying to please her.

OP posts:

mumtogusnalbie · 15/02/2007 19:13

Hello everyone - I just wanted to say that I still remember the distress caused when my mum tried to remove my "comfy" from me. In the end I was allowed to keep it in my bedroom and had it until i was about 15 when i bought myself a soft bunny and then took that everywhere with me until I was in my 20's!! Yes I took it with me on my honeymoon and only really gave it up when my DS1 was born and I was 30!!. My DS1 has a green frog and a yellow monkey which were orignally Arominals (little toys with beads in) and he sucks the arm and fiddles with the label. I will not be asking him to get rid of them and of his own accord has opted to leave it in the car whenever we go anywhere and it has never occurred to him to take it to school. If a child wants the comfort of whatever he/she has chosen, only the cruelest of parents will force them to give it up (except a dummy of course which is the problem I have with DS2!!)

Original poster

mummydear · 15/02/2007 19:20

But should a comforter ( we are talking 4 yrs old) be given to the child at the first signs of distress or when a tantrum is brewing . I see it as a why of ' keepng the child quiet ' and not dealing with the actual problem that is causing the distress or tantrum.

OP posts:

Overrun · 15/02/2007 19:24

I can see what you are saying, that it might lead the parents to not investigate the cause of distree, but just give the comforter. I just think, we never really understand the dynamics of parent/child relationship even with our friends. Its such a personal thing.
She obviously doesn't carry it with her all the time that she is with them, otherwise they wouldn't be able to give it to her, iyswim

BigCookLittleCook · 15/02/2007 19:26

Ds has a comfort blanket. He only has it when he goes to sleep, and I take it away the minute he gets up (he is nearly 1). However, I give it to him at every nap and every night as soon as I put him in the bed, not when he starts screaming for it, so perhaps this is what these parents are doing. I know that if I dont give it to him, he does scream, as sometimes it gets puked on in the night and has to be washed and then dried with a hairdryer... he screams for the hour this takes. I honestly dont see a problem with a four year old taking a muslin to pre-school.

Oh, just noticed your OP does say "it is given to her at the first sign of distress". So when they hand over the muslin at these signs of distress, is the little girl then ok again? Sounds like she does need it and want it, and it is not the parents after all.

Original poster

mummydear · 15/02/2007 19:31

I understand the need for comfoters during the day when they are younger and at night until whatever age.

But at 4 shouldn't there be other ways of dealing with the distress and tantrum , talking to the child , child talking to parent etc . If the child still needs it at bedtime then all well and good. the issue with me is the use of day time comforter.

OP posts:

Flumpytina · 15/02/2007 19:44

OMG Califrau, for a moment after reading your post I was thinking 'she's talking about my dd1!!!(except she's not at school yet so can't be!!).

We have a herd of 4 elephants here. Blue or Pink Ellie used to be in permanent situ up dd1's left nostril. Now they are just inserted at bed time. I have not done or said anything to dd1 to encourage her to drop her elephant habit. She weaned herself off them all by herself, and has learnt to deal with the harsh realities of life as a (nearly) 3 year old without them!

Several months ago there was a good article in Times2 by Tanya Byron about just this type of situation. I seem to recall that she said it's fine, totally normal for some kids and the vast majority give them up at some point when they are ready.

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