Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I'm living with a mini dictator (3 yo DS) - anyone else or any advice out there?

35 replies

beegee · 12/02/2007 10:54

Help!

He's 3.6 and is soooo strong willed. I try and keep really calm (and am praised from time to time for it by on lookers!) but I'm getting worn down...

What can I do? He used to be such an easy boy...didn't really have terrible twos - now, different story. He just digs his heels in and any form of distraction makes him worse. He tells you want he wants/how he wants it/and that he expects it NOW! Ahhhh! Do you have any advice/experience of this in your lives..? Please share...

OP posts:

NAB3 · 12/02/2007 10:55

Don't give in. Don't react. Admire he has character and wait for someone else with better advice to come along. My DD is quite similar at times. She is 3 1/2yr old.

Original poster

beegee · 12/02/2007 11:13

Thanks NAB - just finding living with a mini dictator so hard!

OP posts:

sunnysideup · 12/02/2007 11:18

Hi beegee, I too have a very strong willed boy.

One major thing I found was that sometimes, you simply have to face them down. You simply can't allow him to be rude eg "Get me this or that NOW". If Ds tried this I would tell him that I didn't get things unless I heard a 'please'. He either does it, or he doesn't get what he wants. Things like this are important not to back down on, even in the face of anger or tantrums, because it really doesn't make for a pleasant little person if they feel they can talk to you like this.

One big, big help for me was reverse psychology and using ds' natural competitiveness. I very rarely asked him to do things in a 'straight' way, usually "I bet I can get my shoes on first!" or sometimes I would say, "I'll put your shoes on because I don't think you're a big enough boy to do it, are you?" of course he would want to show me he could do it, and this gavw the opportunity for lots of praise from me; so ds had his days pretty filled with praise for even the littlest things, which I feel has helped his confidence greatly while at the same time avoiding endless battles between us.

As you are already obviously very good at doing, keep calm - this is really important, and ignore as much as you can - I don't just mean ignore him doing naughty stuff - once you've noticed it, instead of focussing on it just calmly say "hmm, instead of sitting on the cat shall we make paw prints on the window?" or whatever....

HTH?

paulaplumpbottom · 12/02/2007 11:18

My DD is that age. Sometimes she is like this. She can get really sassy. NAB is right, don't react and don't give in. This is hard, especially when its been going on all day but you will nip it in the bud quicker if you dig your heels in as well.

Bugsy2 · 12/02/2007 11:25

Stay strong yourself. Keep reminding him to ask for things politely & if he doesn't then don't get them for him. Tell him it is his choice.
If he throws a complete wobbler, time out is probably the best thing. No audience - no performance.
My DS spent alot of time in the garden when he was going through this stage!
When it is driving you to distraction - repeat in your head "It will pass, it is just a phase!".

Bugsy2 · 12/02/2007 11:27

oh & sunnysideup is right - bucket loads of praise for anything well done. So when he asks nicely - tell him how pleased you are that he remembered.
Praise him for anything you possibly can - great way to head of attention seeking through negative behaviour.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 12/02/2007 11:29

My DD is the same. I agree that there are some things you cannot just let go - rudeness, screaming demands, smacking - but do pick your battles or you will find yourselves at a stand-off over and over. My most useful piece of advice is 'just walk away'. It is amazing how often a hissy fit simply dissolves the instant there is no audience to appreciate it or adversary to pit it against. I walk out of the room and totally ignore DD until she starts being nice again. If she comes screaming after me (as she sometimes does!) I remove her back to the room she came from, and walk out again. If I don't retaliate it blows over all the quicker. Hang in there!

Original poster

beegee · 12/02/2007 11:43

Great to hear from your experiences all.

Yes - walking away does help sometimes and, like you Grumpy, he often follows me down the hallway screaming and crying...awful. I do just return him.

He does say please when I ask - but usually with a big whine! Drives me mad!

Good ideas with reversed psychology, Sunnysideup.

The main problem I have is when I tell him no - and he can't except it. example - yesterday we had lots of family around - he decided he wanted to do finger painting - we had a table full of food, he had all his lovely cousins to play with and when I quietly said no it wasn't a good time he LOST IT...lasted a long time too...

I didn't cave though. No finger painting was had here...grrrr it's so hard. He has started hitting too. So upsetting - he's so gentle usually.

OP posts:

bambi06 · 12/02/2007 11:47

stAY STRONG ..MY DS IS STILL TRYING THIS ON AND HES 7 1/2!!oops sorry capitals stuck on!! but i stick to my guns as it could get out of hand and they can come across as rude etc so i keep saying i dont listen unless he speaks nicely to me etc and i ask him nicely too as an example but boy does he try it on and i suspect he thinks if he keeps it up he will wear me down and i will give in..hes met his match here to say the least..i will not back down on manners!!! ho hum what fun

Original poster

beegee · 12/02/2007 11:52

poor you, bambi.

OP posts:

Original poster

beegee · 12/02/2007 11:53

Bambi - when did your DS start being like it? Did you stuggle through the threes?

OP posts:

tracyk · 12/02/2007 11:55

I try not to say No. I try and say it in a positive way eg - ds:I want finger painting, me:yes we can do finger painting after we have finished eating. ds: no - now!! me: sorry, later or not at all??
So it never sounds negative.

Original poster

beegee · 12/02/2007 12:04

TracyK - Maybe I am sounding too negative...mmmm. Food for thought. I do often seem to be saying no to him.

In the example convo you've got there I know how it would continue - he would just say 'now' to anything I suggested. Then I'd walk away saying ok, not at all then..he would then LOSE IT.

I often ask myself - Is it a question of matching his 'dictatorship like ways' and becoming one myself ie - digging my heals in or letting him 'get away with it'...?? I don't want him to be rude...it's horrible.

OP posts:

Othersideofthechannel · 12/02/2007 12:04

I used to congratulate myself that DS had only a couple of temper tantrums during his terrible twos but now he's turned into a whiner and sulker (fortunately only on bad hair days). DD is 2 and has lots of fiery tantrums but they are no way as difficult to deal with. They are both equally strong willed but in different ways.

Original poster

beegee · 12/02/2007 12:07

Otherside - how old is your DS now?

My DD (10 mths) watches my DS with such interest during these episodes..[quakes with fear emoticon]

OP posts:

Othersideofthechannel · 12/02/2007 12:07

I too sometimes wonder if I'm wrong to dig my heels in and be as stubborn as DS but never never cede if I haven't been asked politely.

Othersideofthechannel · 12/02/2007 12:10

He'll be 4 in March. It started last summer when he was about your DS's age.

Othersideofthechannel · 12/02/2007 12:14

Sometimes I say - I didn't realise how important x was to you. When you've asked me with polite words AND in a polite tone of voice, I'll see whether we can manage to do it.
I probably wouldn't have done this for fingerpainting with all the cousins (not enought aprons to go round).

Original poster

beegee · 12/02/2007 12:17

yes - suppose I'm wondering how long it will last - this 'delightful' phase. Maybe I'll get better at managing it....sigh

OP posts:

Othersideofthechannel · 12/02/2007 12:52

Good luck!

OrmIrian · 12/02/2007 13:48

beegee - that is such a good title for my DS#2! It gets to the point where DH and I are running round in circles just to keep him happy. "Mummy, I want a wee. You come with me to the bathroom" (so far so good)" But you mustn't come in with me, wait outside the door" (hmmmm?) 5 mins later mummy is still outside the door and DS#2 is still on the potty playing with a toy boat. Mummy sneaks away "Mummy! Don't go away" . So mummy comes back and asks DS to hurry up or she'll have to go away. DS doesn't hurry up. Mummy leaves again. Cue tears and screams and mummy getting mildly cross . And this )or similar) happens all the day every day.

DH's strategy is to shout which is no use at all.

He is completely impenetrable to logic, persuasion, bribery...it's driving me mad. The reverse argument thing works sometimes but not always. He doesn't do this at nursery so maybe it's just a control/testing thing for us. But it drives us mad.

wanderingstar · 12/02/2007 16:51

I have a 3yo tyrannical boy too.
Can be lovely but when he isn't....Reverse psychology sometimes works for me too, but not always. One of my worst sticking points has been his bed time; things have to be done a certain way - fair enough - but then he was expecting me to lie down in the corner while he nodded off. Woe betide if I got up too early and tried to sneak out.
Atm dh is around in the evenings very rare over the past 3 years, so he's now putting him to bed and there's no nonsense.

Original poster

beegee · 12/02/2007 18:09

OrmIrian - my ds doesn't do it at nursery either! Grrrr...only with me and dp. Unfortunately my dp doesn't have much patience as me, so he will shout occassionally too which makes ds worse. It's hard not to lose it occassionally, though and my dp tries really hard to stay cool.

Wstar - infuriating that your boy 'behaves' for your dh - at least you're having a break from it all for a while!

I hold my head in my hands so often - just unsure how/when it will stop.

OP posts:

slim22 · 13/02/2007 10:59

so comforting to know you all experiencing same thing. My sweet DS (3) has turned into a dictator. will follow this thread with interest.

speedymama · 13/02/2007 11:25

My nearly 3yo DTS are becoming dictators and it is wearing me out. If they demand, I ask them to ask me nicely. If they refuse, I just ignore them.

After I picked them up from nursery yesterday, I was reading to them before bath time and DT1 decided that he did not want the book we were reading, even though he chose it. So he whined, screamed and bellowed that he wanted another book. I put him on the floor and continued reading with DT2 even though I had to raise my voice in order to be heard over the racket that DT1 was making. After about 4 minutes he realised that DT2 was getting all the attention and he climbed up onto my lap, put his thumb in his mouth and snuggled up to me in order to listen to the remainder of the story.

If they want to do something that I do not want them to do, I tell them that we will do it on Friday. Works every time because they then forget about it. On Friday's, I tell them that we will do it on Monday knowing full well that they will be at nursery then .

Flip

1 2