How can I figure out what's troubling 3YO DS?

[BellaGoth]

I can't seem to get to the root of it, but I'm sure something's worrying him.

He's 3.8. We had a really tough start to the year (2 deaths in the family, me with sever Hyperemesis, imminent arrival of the new baby, all mixed in with DS having Glue Ear, which we didn't realise and the poor boy was pretty much deaf in one ear). His behaviour spiralled quite badly, he became quite angry, lots of hitting and shouting etc. His baby sister then arrived early, with no warning, and he woke up one morning and found that DH and I had done a midnight flit to the hospital and grandma was waiting with him.

However, after baby DD came home, it was like a weight had been lifted and DS became a different child. Utterly besotted with the baby. He seemed really happy again so we put it all down to the stresses of the beginning of the year.

DD is now 9 weeks old and DS is starting to change again. He's bitten his nails so much his fingers are red. He's started grinding his teeth. Lots of tantrums / defiance (though this may be normal for his age). He keeps complaining of tummy aches. He says he hates nursery and battles getting dressed / ready, but as soon as he's dressed he's keen to go, runs in to his room with barely a glance back at me.

He has mentioned a few times that a particular child at nursery is mean to him. This surprised me and nursery are usually very on the ball with this sort of thing and deal with it swiftly. Parents are kept informed. DS says he's not told any of the staff because the other child "won't let him". I spoke to his key worker today, and she said she would keep an extra eye on things. DS is quite strong willed and often gets upset if another child won't do what he says (eg won't give him a toy if he demands it), so it could be that. Or it could be that's this child is picking on him. Or it could be something entirely different, I suppose.

How do you talk to a young child to find out exactly what's going on? His speech is good, but he's reluctant to discuss this with me. The nail biting / teeth grinding / tummy aches screams out that he's stressed, doesn't it? Should I take him to the GP? Any other suggestions?

Also in terms of trying to get him to tell you what he's feeling, someone suggested to me that instead of asking questions to my 3yo, which as you know just seems to shut them down, to just make statements along the lines of 'wondering'.

So for example, 'I wonder if Isabella was at nursery today' or 'I wonder if DC1 had pasta for lunch today' in a kind of airy way - I often do this as though I'm talking to DC2 instead. I've found it's amazing the that it seems to encourage a response, DC1 certainly seems to be much more forthcoming in answer to these statements. Also seems to be more chatty sometimes early in the morning and definitely late at night, especially if reading a book as that seems to generate discussion/questions etc.
We've got 'Little bag of worries' or whatever it's called - I went off it at first as it just seemed to suggest loads of things to be worried about, but if they do seem stressed it might be worth it.
Hope this helps!

Thanks mini, I'm going to write everything down so I don't forget any of it. I get teary talking about our problems so really hope I don't make a fool of myself. Most of the GPs are pretty good here fortunately.

Let I will try the "I wonder" thing, thank you. What is the little bag of worries?

When any of my little ones were like this we would try and arrange things so that she had regular time (and often time out of the house) with one of us giving them our sole attention. One of my DDs started soiling out of the blue - we said nothing but just did the individual attention thing and all was well very quickly.

Sometimes they do not know what is upsetting them but just having lots of individual attention can do the trick. Hard with a new baby, I know, but pays huge dividends.

Bella it's a children's book - actually called 'The Big Bag of Worries'', I think someone mentioned it upthread. It's about a girl who doesn't tell anyone her problems and they get bigger on her back until she tells someone, who sorts them all out so the girl doesn't have to carry them round all the time.

Mishaps I really am trying to do stuff with just DS. It's really hard as no matter what I suggest he just says he wants to stay home and play lego. We have tickets to a Halloween event at our local children's theatre this week so I'm going to have to insist we go. The thing is once I get him out of the house he enjoys things. It's just really stressful having to carry him out literally kicking and screaming.

Thanks Let I will order that book.

We had an awful start to the morning and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse we got to nursery and his key worker had been delayed. He was absolutely hysterical so I had to take him back outside and wait for his key worker to arrive before we could go back in.

Amazingly he's had an invitation to a party, from a new girl at the nursery. I'm not sure whether to take him or not to be honest. It could end up being way too much for him.

It sounds like he has difficulty with transitions - stopping one thing and moving on to another. Especially if it's stopping playing to do something boring like put shoes on etc (even if there is fun coming after the shoes are on). DD is similar.

I find it really helps to give her numerous pre warnings eg "need to stop colouring in 10 min" "stop in 5 min" "stop after that page" and then "ok, page finished, time to stop now" and even then we sometimes often get a strop as she wants to carry on. But the pre warnings do help.

Do you think he is tired? I think a lot of kids are tired at the moment - autumn term is exhausting with the cold weather and bugs.

What's the party, does it say? Structured activity/entertainer or bouncy castle free for all...?

It says it's an "arty party" with craft activities, which makes me think it might be Ok. DS enjoys crafts and it's more "parallel play" than team games etc. Hopefully it should be quite calm.

100% agree that he has Issues with transition. In the past few months his reactions have become so more extreme.

It sounds really difficult. One thing I have made an effort to do is to deliberately prioritise the baby sometimes - for example saying 'I love all my babies and she needs looking after at the moment. When you need feeding I will always make sure I feed you too'. I don't want my son to view the baby as a second class citizen and I want him to understand that everyone has needs to be met.
It sounds like you've lost a lost of confidence but I'm sure that you are doing a lot to make a difficult situation better - you aren't to blame for everything your children go through, they are only human.

Party sounds worth a try - nothing to lose really given he's already left out at nursery . Would you be able to go with, and leave the baby at home so you can keep a close eye/intervene before any explosions happen?

I think the appointment with GP is going to be key.

Oh yes mini, I would go too. Parents staying seems to be the norm at the moment anyway.

He bit someone today, hard enough to leave a mark.

I really am grateful for the support from you all. It means a lot.

Oh yes parents staying is still the norm here too. I guess I meant you specifically rather than your DP (since you are around him all day you will know better what to watch for iyswim). Wasn't sure if that was possible give you are BF.

Sorry mini I see what you mean. Fortunately DD is the sort of baby that will let me top her up before I go out and should be fine. She will take very small amounts from a bottle if we're desperate too.

Just wanted to pop in to say that you're doing a brilliant job, even though I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I'm a family therapist by trade and so a couple of things came to mind when reading your posts - not sure if any of the following is useful and I'm sure you've tried lots of it, but just in case:

Firstly, sounds like there was a lot going on for all of you in the lead up to this, and so being young and not being sure how to process/vocalize worries could be a big contributor. With that being said, it might be an idea (if you haven't already) to focus on labeling feelings/emotions wherever you can, without value judgements. So, for example, "oh dear, I can understand how you might be feeling frustrated/fed up/angry/disappointed about that", to teach him how to articulate how he's feeling a little better.

Secondly, it might be an idea to have a chat with him when he's calm about how he feels inside his body when he feels himself getting angry. Something along the lines of "when Mummy gets cross sometimes, she notices that her tummy feels like it's all tied up in knot/she feels her fists clenching/her face gets hot, etc.What does it feel like for you when you start to feel yourself getting cross?"

Once you have an idea of what signs he gets from his body that he's about to lose his temper, you can start to figure out strategies with him to de-escalate it before things get out of hand (taking ten deep breaths, walking away, talking to a teacher, etc.). On the deep breaths front, google "bubble breaths" as that might help.

Another thing that might help is a glitter bottle, which is essentially a two liter bottle filled with warm water, glitter glue and glitter and the lid glued on (very!) tight (you can make this with him) that he can shake if he's feeling frustrated/antsy. If he loses it and you want him to take a time out, he has to shake it as hard as he can and then sit somewhere watching it until all the glitter settles at the bottom again. It's decently soothing, even for an adult.

Finally, I'd second the bag of worries book, role playing with toys and keeping him busy with tasks to help you with LO when you're feeding.

Anyway, thinking of you and hoping this week gets better!

Thanks October, some really useful advice there, I really appreciate it.

The afternoon was Ok, only issue was a minor tantrum when it was time to get out of the bath. I'm quite damp but it's just normal 3 YO stuff.

We've had an awful day.

My mum was with us. DS wanted to dig in the garden. He threw soil in her face. No warning or trigger that we could tell. We nearly had to take her to get medical attention as she had grit in her eyes which wouldn't come out, but fortunately my step dad managed to sort it.

He spent the rest of the afternoon alternating between sulking and slapping me. I'm so ashamed. How did I get things so wrong?

Oh Bella that sounds just like the kind of thing my son might do if he was tired, and I don't consider him naughty. A live wire maybe. I'm sorry you're feeling so awful about it. Would your son have understood how serious that is?

You didn't get it wrong. Remember he's 3. Throwing soil at your mum isn't the act of aggression it would be if an adult did it. He's a little boy who by the sound of things has had a huge amount of change/uncertainty in the last year. That's not your fault- you've been unlucky. But so has he. And he is 3 so he can't process emotions in the same way you can. Could there be something else going on as well- of course there could. But remember that if there is- he's also 3 and dealing with lots of change/uncertainty that he doesn't know how to deal with. You haven't done anything wrong, he's not naughty or badly parented (you sound like an amazing and devoted mum)- he's having a tough time.

Would you be able to express and give DD a bottle time consuming but might break the cycle of him trying to interrupt feeds and he could help (?) Think I'm clutching at straws but wanted to suggest something sounds so horrible for you all

Thanks Trying, he's had a go at feeding her but wasn't that bothered.

We saw the GP last week. He said it's my fault but there's nothing anyone can do until he starts school. I've spoken to the HV who was more helpful, someone is coming to do an assessment next week. She thinks he is suffering with anxiety and needs some support regarding the deaths. We will wait and see what the full assessment shows.

So tired of all this now. I'm on my own with the kids almost every day and it's such a grind. It took me 40 minutes to persuade DS to come to soft play on Friday. DD slept in her car seat the whole time so he had my undivided attention but he just spent the whole time either laying in the ball pit or asking when we could go home. I gave up and we went home after less than an hour.

He's so unhappy.

We saw the GP last week. He said it's my fault but there's nothing anyone can do until he starts school.

If the GP really said this he's an idiot. It's not your fault. Your DS has had a really tough year and it's taken it's toll. You are NOT to blame for that- I know though that it's really hard not to blame yourself when your child is struggling.

The soft play thing sounds really tough. Does he usually like soft play? Is it worth just not pushing at things like that and not going if he doesn't want to? He probably feels everything is beyond his control at the moment. Obviously there are things you need to insist he does (teeth cleaning/going to nursery) but if it isn't necessary, is it worth just letting him be in control and deciding what to do?

Hope the health visitor's assessment is helpful.

That GP sounds awful can you complain and see someone different? By the way he's just plain wrong, I've done a tiny bit of child development for work and even if he read everything ever about attachment and main carer he'd still be wrong from what I remember!

This particular GP is awful, I know a number of people who refuse to see him. My own fault, I should have checked which GP I'd been given in advance.

Furry yes I think we'll keep it low key for a bit. TBH I've pondered pulling him out of nursery but I do need a little bit of time to focus on DD. Might start keeping him home on one of the days though.

Oh you absolutely need time with DD (and frankly for your own sanity- it's tough with two at those ages). I'm no expert but if he's used to the routine of nursery, is changing that a good idea? Consistency is good for them I think. He may be resistant but if nursery was fine before/there are no underlying issues there, it may still be a good thing to push him to go and more unsettling not to do it IYSWIM? Tough call.

A further thought- is he getting enough sleep? DS1 is dreadful for night waking and early waking and is hugely grumpy/oppositional/uncooperative when he's had a bad night.