How can I figure out what's troubling 3YO DS?

[BellaGoth]

I can't seem to get to the root of it, but I'm sure something's worrying him.

He's 3.8. We had a really tough start to the year (2 deaths in the family, me with sever Hyperemesis, imminent arrival of the new baby, all mixed in with DS having Glue Ear, which we didn't realise and the poor boy was pretty much deaf in one ear). His behaviour spiralled quite badly, he became quite angry, lots of hitting and shouting etc. His baby sister then arrived early, with no warning, and he woke up one morning and found that DH and I had done a midnight flit to the hospital and grandma was waiting with him.

However, after baby DD came home, it was like a weight had been lifted and DS became a different child. Utterly besotted with the baby. He seemed really happy again so we put it all down to the stresses of the beginning of the year.

DD is now 9 weeks old and DS is starting to change again. He's bitten his nails so much his fingers are red. He's started grinding his teeth. Lots of tantrums / defiance (though this may be normal for his age). He keeps complaining of tummy aches. He says he hates nursery and battles getting dressed / ready, but as soon as he's dressed he's keen to go, runs in to his room with barely a glance back at me.

He has mentioned a few times that a particular child at nursery is mean to him. This surprised me and nursery are usually very on the ball with this sort of thing and deal with it swiftly. Parents are kept informed. DS says he's not told any of the staff because the other child "won't let him". I spoke to his key worker today, and she said she would keep an extra eye on things. DS is quite strong willed and often gets upset if another child won't do what he says (eg won't give him a toy if he demands it), so it could be that. Or it could be that's this child is picking on him. Or it could be something entirely different, I suppose.

How do you talk to a young child to find out exactly what's going on? His speech is good, but he's reluctant to discuss this with me. The nail biting / teeth grinding / tummy aches screams out that he's stressed, doesn't it? Should I take him to the GP? Any other suggestions?

Can't you give him a cuddle and read him a book during feeds? It's pretty obvious he feels pushed out by you and the baby. He must be picking up on your horrible attitude too.

Thanks cant, I really enjoy being made to feel like an even shitter mum than I already do.

I made him a special box of things we could do whilst I feed. Books, sticker books, finger puppets etc. I prop DD on a pillow at the dinner table so I have a free hand to continue playing lego. Before I feed DD I say to DS "ooh, look, DD needs some milk. What shall we do whilst I feed her?"

If you have any useful suggestions I would love to hear them, assuming you can manage that without being spiteful.

That's a bit harsh serious. OP came on here to try to work out what was bothering her boy. She's said she spends loads of one on one time with him (if you read the thread). I don't think her attitude is horrible at all - just a bit despairing. Have you never been fed up of your DC's difficult behaviour and at a loss as to how to improve it? If not then lucky you.

Actually cant I'd really like you to point out what I've said that's a "horrible attitude"?

Ach don't worry about it Beth. There's always one.

Oops I meant Bella!

DD is really unsettled tonight, and DS is being the exact opposite to earlier. He's stroking her head, kissing her, singing to her... It's so strange. I just can't figure out what makes him lash out rather than kiss her.

Full moon?

Sorry if you thought I was being harsh. I didn't like the thought of a child who is clearly struggling with things being shut in his room.

Have you tried lovebombing?

How else would you suggest I feed DD? I can't shut myself away in the bedroom as that would leave DS unattended in our open plan downstairs area, complete with kitchen and doors that are locked by a thumb turn which he can unlock. Anything could happen. I put him in his bedroom and shut the baby gate so he can still hear me. He has a drink and lots of toys. I'd honestly love to know of a better way of doing it.

I've not got the love bombing book but as I understand it the idea is basically to shower the child with love and affection. However if I go to kiss him (for example) it's 50/50 whether he'll kiss me back or slap me.

You don't need a book. You need a day - a whole day, where your attention is all on your son and he calls the shots. It's a big ask with such a small baby but it has good results. You need to reconnect with him (and get that ear looked at ASAP!).

Rather than excluding him from feeding try including him. Ask him to get you things you need and reward him with a big cuddle (with your spare arm) and a favourite/new story.

Deal with the hitting gently but firmly - tell him no, tell him you won't let him hurt his baby sister or anyone else. Reward him for not hitting (sportscasting is good too) rather than punishing for hitting.

Check out Janet Lansbury on Facebook. She has lots of good stuff.

I have found some success with love bombing. It isn't about physical affection but basically just voicing all the tiny thoughts you have in your day.

The easiest way of doing this that I've found is starting with "I love watching you ..." but without any value judgements in it.

eg

I love watching you play with cars. (Not "play nicely with cars")

I love watching you draw.

If you can drop these in casually about pretty much every damn thing that isn't actionable bad behaviour, he'll catch on that he gets attention for being good.

Can you try to ignore DD while you're feeding her? I know that sounds a bit cold but she won't care. That's what the reading bit is about. Or "ooh DD needs a feed - we can watch CBeebies together! Do you think it will be Tree Fu Tom?"

Some people have a box of toys/books that only come out when the baby's feeding. The idea is that it's full of very desirable things so the older child comes to have good associations with feeding time.

Yes I think laying the positive comments on thick can definitely help especially if you've got into a bit of a phase where it seems you're telling them off all the time.

Another thing that may help is clearly spelling out the possible outcomes and giving them the "choice": 'DS, I need to feed DD now. If you sit nicely with me I'll read you a story. If you do something horrid to DD you'll go in your room. Which do you want?" This usually gets a positive response ie "sit nicely" from DD... tho sometimes I have to remind her if she starts mucking about half way through...

My daughter is the same. I made a couple of little bracelets (not hard out of a pack) with a heart on it. One for me one for her. She could wear it when we were apart and if she missed me she could rub the heart and my bracelet would feel it and I'd rub back
Quite effective

I always find bedtime is when my DC are most revealing. We've read a book, lights are dimmed, they are relaxing/winding down and it's a great time to chat about stuff. They feel less guarded at this time perhaps and more secure and trusting.

cant when you say a whole day, do you mean entirely without the baby? Because I can't really do that whilst she's ebf. We've had lots of days where someone else has DD and just brings her to me for feeds though.

We do lots of rewards, he has a jar and gets a marble for all kinds of things. He got one tonight for trying to soothe DD when she cried. He then trades the marbles for a prize.

We have a "feeding box", although DS usually wants me to carry on playing lego whilst I feed, which I do. I also have a snack box as he inevitably asks for a snack when I feed DD.

MrsHathaway I do the "I love watching you..." thing, although I gad no idea that was love bombing. I picked it up from my SIL. I'll do more of it.

mini I'll try giving him clear options.

elvis I live the idea of bracelets. I used to make friendship bracelets as a teen in the 90s, I'll have to have a go.

Can I ask what people would advise regarding activities? DS used to go to swimming and gym classes which he used to love, but he gradually got less and less interested and then started hurting the other children so I stopped taking him. I keep thinking if I could just find something he enjoyed it might help, but us it worth forcing him to go? He always puts up such a fight about leaving the house.

BellaGoth love the Sims name btw, please take no notice of serious. Sounds like your son has a lot of attention from you. Far more than a lot of children his age gets.

I have no advice other than go see the gp or a health visitor. Hiding behind something so he can throw objects at other children when they go past is really concerning at his age.
It's not him lashing out and loosing his temper, he has planned to sit there with cars with the idea to hurt other children which is what stands out the most to me.

Best of luck.

Bella

It sounds to me as though he's very unsettled and stressed and feeing insecure. I wonder whether there was a good patch when the baby was born because things were more certain (and the anticipation of the new sibling was worse than the reality iyswim). But now it's sinking in that she's here to stay. Also, have there been changes at nursery? DS1 is 3.5 and was very unsettled by the 'big' children leaving to go to school and lots of smaller ones moving up from the toddler room. He was the same with his Tumble Tots class and swimming- change of children, uncertain, didn't want to go. It's getting better slowly.

We have a similar gap (DS2 is 5 months) and although we haven't had issues at nursery or outside the home, the getting dressed/leaving house/not wanting to go to things (that you're pretty certain they'll enjoy) nightmares sound very familiar to me. DS1 adores the baby but is very volatile at the moment (and like your DS it was tricky when I was pregnant, then got better, then worse again). Have you read ToddlerCalm (yes I know reading is the last thing you have time for!) I've found it quite helpful and that moderating my response to his outbursts (including staying calm and sympathetic and absolutely not getting angry- which is sodding difficult) does make a huge difference and quickly diffuses the situation. Me getting cross really escalates it fast and we get into an awful cycle of defiance, tears and shouting. It's not easy to do, especially with a baby, but I'm finding it pays dividends and he seems much happier and compliant.

It sounds as if your DS is being picked on or hurt by another child or somehow doesn't feel safe at nursery and he is lashing out at your DD - re-victimisation. Try puppets or play to get him to open up eg. make a scene like nursery and see how he plays with you with it - it may give you clues. Or just questions like "how do you feel at nursery?" or draw loads of different faces with different emotions on them eg. sad, happy, calm, angry, excited and get him to point to which ones he feels at nursery and use this as a way to talk about it...Empathise with whatever he says eg. "I hate nursery" respond with "Wow you really hate nursery!" and see if that makes him feel heard and get to open up. You're not saying you agree with him that nursery is awful, you're just empathising with him & he will feel you get him and he can tell you things. Good luck! The feeding activity bowl is a great idea well done, it sounds like you're a very conscientious and caring Mum.

I have an appointment with the GP next Monday. Planning on going alone so I can discuss things freely.

My original thought was another child picking on him, but that seems very unlikely. Nursery have a member of staff shadowing him the whole time he's there now so they'd know. The other children largely avoid him.

He seems to love his sister, talks about her all the time when he's at nursery. He often says "can we keep her mummy" and asks for more baby sisters (!)

Yesterday we had one of his worst outbursts. I took him to a lovely Park we'd not been to before and had almost 2 hours of lovely playtime. We were in the sandpit when he suddenly lept up and started shouting at me and kicking me in the legs. I managed to get hold of him and as soon as I picked him up and started walking to the exit he just stopped as if nothing had happened. It was really frightening, the way he just switched from seeming so happy to being absolutely hysterical.

So that wasn't because you'd said it was time to leave or a battle over a toy - just out of the blue having been happy?

Hmm that does seem unusual. Worth mentioning to the GP.

I would suggest that you take any written notes/reports from nursery with you to the GP, so you don't get dismissed as "anxious mother". If you don't have any then ask nursery to write something.

He'd been told we had to go in ten minutes but that was a little bit before the tantrum. We'd chatted about something else and were just playing in the sand. He was saying something but he was so hysterical I couldn't make it out. I think he said "I told you not to do that!" at one point but I really can't be sure.

Nursery are keeping a diary for me. This morning's does not make pleasant reading.

We do have tantrums over "normal" things, like broken bananas and not wanting to get out of the bath, but I can deal with those. He responds quite well to reason. I usually say something like "I know you feel sad that your banana broke, but look, now you have two!". Quick hug and he's fine. It's the outbursts with no warning that I really struggle with.

Ok, not great but you are doing the right thing in going to the GP. Do you have a good GP (our practice has good uns and a few duds!).

I would show the GP but the diary but also emphasise to the GP what the nursery has said about him more generally - ie that he is way ahead intellectually but socially very behind, that other kids avoid him etc - and that they have recommended seeking medical help. I know that it's hard to sound so negative about your child (usually we all want to paint the best picture we can of our DC!) but I think doing that is your best chance of getting the referrals you need rather than being "reassured" or getting sent on a parenting course.

(DD has an underlying medical condition, I was fobbed off by various GPs and HVs until I mentioned that her nursery had noted the symptoms - that's why I keep banging on about giving the nursery's view)

I think you want a referral to (1) a paediatric ENT to check out the ear situation and (2) a behavioural paediatrian. That's not to say he necessarily has an underlying issue, but seeing these paeds will help you rule things in or out and give you either a path to follow or peace of mind.

best of luck