12 yr old and internet porn

[dolally]

I was staggered this afternoon to discover my 12 yr old dd has been looking at adult pornsites on the internet. I feel like a dreadful mother. How could this happen - I thought this computer was set up to not allow ANY sex, violence, bad language or nudity. I have two younger children too. The computer is not in dd's bedroom - it's in the family room and she is never here alone, well one afternoon a week when the cleaning lady is here. I suppose it's just her curiosity but I should not have let this happen - I haven't said anything to her - Iknow i must but I thought i'd let the panic subside, do I make a big thing of it or pretend it's nothing. I daren't tell dh... What can I do any ideas and please everybody make sure your computer is secure - my dd is only supposed to use the internet for homework research but maybe she typed in a word which came up with some dodgy sites.

are you sure it was your dd?

misdee, that made me smile, but yes I am sure, it's on her user account ( which doesn't mean much I know) and when I eliminated them into the recycle bin I somehow the date and time when the shortcuts were created which were the times when she is here with the cleaning lady. She also knows far more about using a computer than dh and cl (cleaning lady). I just know.

are you 100% certain it was dd. could it have been dh or the cleaner?
is it possible to set up your internet access with a password known to you only, so dd has to use it only when you're there to connect to the internet?
how exactly did you find out?
there should be at least one file related to that particular site in Temp Internet Files. Right clicking on it might give you a date (not sure if time as well) of when the file was created on your computer. what does the history folder say?

i'm not really a computer wizard and you probably know about this subject than me so you've probably done that already.

if you deleted the files, you should let her know that a0you did that and b0you know exactly what she's doing on the internet and ask her how she came to see such thing. don't make a big deal out of it, in this way ther's more chance of her talking to you.
did you look at the sites yourself? to make sure that's what they were. a name might be deceptive.

or, deny internet access when dd is without you (that is when the cleaning lady is there). not sure how you'd do that, but there probably is a way of blocking IE

sorry dolally i really have to go now. i'll check on this tommorow. don't panic please. lots of hugs

PS dd only 2 1/2 and i'm already worried about things like that that's why i started posted here

Yes I know it was her and I know it was porn - as I came into the room this afternoon she was rushing into the garden. The computer was still on so I thought I would just nose into a homework project that she's been doing for school and when I opened her user files (whatever they're called) I was confronted with a pic of a penis in a mouth, then this whole home page - I had a complete turn and everything I clicked just seemed to bring more of it up - I was desperately trying to find a delete button - couldn't think straight for a minute! And we were still connected to the Internet. Then I found a shortcut for another site called Supersex or something and as I said earlier I put them in the recycle and when trying to delete them from the recycle bin I managed to bring up the dates and times. I just had to delete them - couldn't just leave them there and had to take younger child to gym. Just know it's not dh or cl. I'm sure it's just curiosity on her part but it's how I handle it that will make all the difference to her whole attitude to sex. Can't say I'm that comfortable with a no holds barred conversation on the matter with my kids....eek!

Chat Danger

Kid Smart \link

www.bbc.co.uk/schools/parents/article_secondary_10042002.shtml\BBC{}

I know your DD isn't necessarily looking at chat rooms, but often sites like this can be linked to things like that, and other net elements. These sites offer some good information for both you and your DD. I use the Chat Danger site a lot with my pupils.

I think that you do need to speak to your DD about this. She needs to know that you know what pages are being looked at on the computer. Remind her that the Internet logs every page visited, with times and dates.

If you have some form of net nanny software of your machine report these sites to the moderating body to ensure that they are on the banned lists. Sadly new sites are added every second to the Internet so there is NO completely secure way of preventing even accidental access to dodgy sites

If you feel it is necessary, remove Internet access for her user log in so that if and when she neds access to the ner she has to come and ask you or your Dh to log in and go online for her. So she knows that she can't explore any other sites other than for homework.

Regarding her curiosity and her attitude to sex beacause of your approach, I would go down the "the Internet is not the right place for this because..." line. Tell her that the Internet is completely unmoderated on the whole, anyone can post and any user of a site can log details of computers accessing sites, and with that information they can trace the user's details, etc. Just make ure she knows she can ask you, she can talk about sex (and think about it) but the Internet just isn't a safe place to explore it really.

Oh, and apparantly - in news this week - there is going to be some Internet teams set up over several countries to focus on 24 hour Internet safety issues - to protect children and other vuneable groups.

Oops, sorry

BBC

Sympathies Dolally. Could you say to your dd that there must be a virus connected to her account and how awful that this porn appeared??! That would be a way to start the conversation about a subject that you seemed to be uncomfortable with. And see what she says. She obviously won't admit she is curious, but you could say whatever you want to say about sex like: "sex between two people in love in a serious relationship is special", etc and that you are sorry that she saw such images which doesn't demonstrate love, affection and respect. And you could say "...Thank God little dd didn't see this...". You could also use this moment to say to her that if she did have any questions about sex and relationships that you would do your best to answer them, however embarrassed or uncomfortable she and you may be. Could you buy her a book on the facts of life? When I was in the book section of a large chemist(John Bell & Croydon tel: 7 935 5555), I saw a book on periods and growing up. My dh's dd (from previous marriage) was 10 at the time but I bought it for when I thought the time would be right if my dh thought it appropriate for her. He looked at it and thought it was explicit, ie, there was a cartoon drawing of a girl looking between her legs with a mirror to see what was there, but done in a humourous way. I told him that I would give such a book to my dd and if he wanted to give it to his dd, it was there for her. Despite his initial reservations, some time later when he discovered she had started her periods, he gave her the book and she
couldn't put it down. It seemed to answer all her unanswered questions in a straightforward and humourous (SP?) way.Could you find your dd a book like this?
Re: the computer, I have no idea how to secure your computer. Can you look this up on google or email the tech team at Mumsnet for their advice?

Message withdrawn

I don't think you should make a big deal about it. As Bloss says, children are curious. Explain calmly why you don't want her looking at this sort of thing and then tighten up the security settings. There is also still the smallpossibility that she didn't actually look at these things and they've been put there by a seemingly innocent website or were looked at by someone else.

It's still a nasty shock though.

sorry i haven't got time to read the messages here, but thought about you dolally last night and it is quite clear dd knows you know because she'd have noticed the files have been deleted. i'm sure it's pretty innocent on her part anyway, but the sites could have been accessed by accident i.e. spam e-mails etc. therefore best to tell her you found out and ask how she came accross them. in reality she might have been scared by those pictures 9is a lot for an adult to look at let alone a 12 yr old) and she needs to discuss with someone about them and you're the best source of information and reassurance for her. explain that adults do have a more intimate life but what she saw on those sites is are extremes and are not in fact acceptable behaviour in the real world. she should not have access to this sort of material and she must tell you in the future when she finds such sites so you can block them. absolutely tell dh about it he might come up with some ideas. but don't panic, and don't let dd know you're so worried about it because in the future it might cause her not to confide in you with similar subjects if shge thinks you'll get all worried and make a big fuss about it. when growing up i used to avoid telling my mum things (nothing major, just stuff like i have a headacke for example because she was such an alrmist and i hated seing her getting all upset and worked up about things). i apologise if these suggestions have already been posted here, but as i saud i haven't got time to read them at the moment.

Thanks for all advice/moral support, I have told dd about what i found and as someone suggested I didn't directly accuse her. She said she hasn't seen anything of the like but, poor kid she was cringeing with embarrassment. I'm going to have to give a bit more attention to the fact that she's not a kid anymore. She knows about periods and has done reproduction in school but she probably needs some questions answered. With thecomputer I don't know what happened because I checked or thought I had that internet access to nudity/sex etc... was limited to zero on this computer but maybe it was not activated. I'm not an expert on this nor is dh but I've now done it again and it seems to be working. It even didn't want to let me see the Mumsnet site....!

Had a thought about this yesterday while abroad and couldn't wait to post! Maybe your DD is curious about her own body and wonders what women do look like post-puberty. The only way to see an honest shot of a woman's genital area is to see a porn site or a porn mag. So rather than be curious about sex, she may just be curious about her own body? Does that sound possible?

Message withdrawn

I'm sure dd didn't look for these sites but she does search the web and if you type in a vague word like love, friends, tenderness which she was doing for a school project then anything will come up. Or maybe these sites were sent to her computer-I've heard about this but don't really understand it. Anyway the computer is now set up so strictly that I can hardly get any sites without typing in my password! Will have to reset it a bit. But am really glad I found out that there was no control - still don't quite understand how it wasn't activated.

Have found a good book called "let's talk about sex" with amusing sketches, may be it's the one you were talking about Chickpea. Anyway Penelope Leach comments on the back that she think's it's great and she seems a sensible gal - I had her baby book when mine were tiny!

I discovered a similar thing when my dd (also 12 at the time) and one of her school friends had been left on their own with the computer and like you I was absolutely mortified. I confronted dd about it and she admitted she and her friend had been curious and that she certainly wouldn't be looking at that sort of thing again as "it made us feel sick"!

I was horrified though - it felt like my little girl had been soiled forever. But actually she hasn't, she's just growing up! I have checked from time to time and there's no evidence that she's ever done it again (she's not savvy enough to know how to remove stuff from history/temp internet files).

I know at her age I would certainly have looked at porn if there had been such a thing as the interweb in those far off days

The Internet? They hadn't even invented the wheel when I was her age

if the truth be known i used to look at my stepdad's penthouse mags when i was 9!

Just an update and thanks to all for the input - the experience of finding a porn site on my computer was certainly a first for me. But it made me realise that dd is at the age of natural curiosity as you all said, and that it was important for her to get information, and the RIGHT info not just half-understood comments from other kids at school.

The other result of all this is that we had some calls to Africa which we didn't make on our phone bill....and we have subsequently discovered some of these porn sites feed in their own number so your computer dials up Africa or India instead of your local number. You really have to be a bit security conscious in all sorts of ways with the Internet! ...I can't believe how unaware I was.

I also looked at the chatdanger website one of you mentioned. Good idea.

hi heres an idea.
it is just natural curiosity. but if u wanna censor it- simply tell her if shes curious that ull look thru with her and talk it thru till she understands.

i know this will be embarrasing but it might just do the trick- coz believe me u dd wont really want to talk to u about it but if u use parental controls then she wont have a choice.

if u get some spyware software- u can actually stop the sites and popups getting thru

gud luck
Maryx

My dd's nearly 12 and knows about reproduction etc. She is comfortable with the knowledge she has and I am comfortable with it too. However, I wouldn't want her knowing about bj's and oral sex etc just yet..

Hmmm....I posted a response to this post advising that there is a means by which children can be completely protected online by their parents and the post was deleted as having violated Mumsnet protocol for which I apologise unreservedly - I am new to this site and it was my first posting.
Having said that, as a single parent that has had a nunber of very disconcerting incidents involving what our children are exposed to online, I am dedicated to protecting children online and giving control of what children of all ages are exposed to online to the most important people in their lives - their parents.
Watch this space as I await a reply from this site's administrators.