severe eating problems with 4 year old DS Please help falling apart about it!!!!!!

[sleeplessmum2be]

Basically i have a ds (4) who started life with severe weight loss after 1/2 weeks as he was not getting enough nutrition from my milk, then progressed to gastric reflux, then went onto solids and was told he was tongue tied with a very small windpipe and would probably have problems with solids until he grew up to maybe 4 or 5. Logically and interlectually i understand that this entire history has caused my neurosis. The problem is that myself my dp and ds are now in a really bad situation.

The focus on mealtimes is huge, i get really wound up about his food intake and its quality/balance. We still feed him most of the time and distract him with books and stories just to get the food into him. He is hugely fussy and every time he gets ill his diet reduces back down to nothing.

He had just recovered (i hope!!) from a severe stomach bug and has eaten nothing but bread, crackers, toast and cucumber for 8 days.

I had a complete meltdown today about it when my best friend had a go at me and told me that i was gonna give him huge eating disorders and that i had to get help about it. I guess that has upset me as i am sure she is right.

I have been told so many times to let him starve till he will eat. Take the food away if he doesnt eat it in 20 mins etc and a) He will just not eat for x amount of days he is hugely stubborn!!! b) I cannot cope with him not eating c) He has now lost so much wieght from the 7 days of diarohea i need to build him up not starve him.

I am fighting with myself to be laid back about the whole issue and have done for days now and have not pressurised him at all and have left him to bread and cucumber but i cant bear to see his tiny thin little ribs sticking out and i feel such a bad mother that i cant even manage to provide or encourage him to sustain himself properly.

By the way i am pregnant and hugely hormonal too so i think things are somewhat amplified?

Any help advice would really be appreciated as im sitting here in a right state with tears rolling down my face right now!!!{

I agree jodee, they are mostly boys. So men must be awkward from an early age eh?

DS2 goes off things. He's just gone off his all time love milk but I'm not too worried as he ate a huge tub of organic yoghurt today (the type he previously hated) so he's getting his calcium.

I've found a very good way of getting my nearly 5 year old to eat different foods. He's a bit fussy, don't know if this would work with a mega fussy eater, anyway here goes: I sit him on my knee in front of a favourite TV programme and feed him myself. Just get him to open his mouth and spoon in the meat and veg or whatever. For us it works well, as long as ds is hungry in the first place and the food is not something he utterly hates. It's a good way to get him to try new foods. I know he's really old to be spoon fed, but hey, he likes it!

Thank you for being here, all. Sleepless- I understand... Been in tears many times...
I read your comments and appreciate them. My DH and I are both distraught over our 4 year old son. Fussy is an understatment. Our DS only eats crap (junkfood like cheddar goldfish crackers) oatmeal and chicken -ONLY- shaped like dinosaurs.
We've timed meals, ignored it, eliminated inbetween snacks and just prayed he'd grow out of it. We have been doing this for 2 years now. Every day for 2 years has been a struggle. Either interactive with him or an internal struggle with ourselves worrying till we're sick.
It's not about 'presentation'. He loves helping to cook but then wont touch it. Vitamins are out because he wont put anything in his mouth. Every answer is "I dont like it" although he's never tried it.
His doctor says prepare something and that's all he gets. Breakfast, lunch or dinner, today, tomorrow or the next. Nothing else and he'll eventually eat it. We've made it for about a day and then we feel so awful we cave in and give him what we know he'll eat.
He is thin. no muscle tone. He's active enough (boy is he active...!) but he is just dangerously thin. We go to the doctors next week and I'm going to put my foot down but what is he going to do? A feeding tube?
What do we do? It's tearing us apart. It's taken over. We have a 1 1/2 yr old girl who eats everything in sight- it's wonderful. I am TERRIFED that she'll see him refusing to eat and she'll do it too.
I am at the end. Not only have I dealt with the normal every day tantrums and child behavior stuff but the eating thing is throwing me into a deep depression. (Im a stay at home mom so I deal with almost all the meals unless DH gets out of work early)
I can't expect anyone to have the answer but thanks for listening.
Bev

Here is something you could try. It takes a while to work and you feel silly doing it, but it can be helpful.

Sit with the child at mealtimes, eating the same thing to give an example. When he is eating or showing interest in the food chat to him and smile. As soon as he stops let your face relax, stop chatting and look away.

Persevere for a few days, and don't lose heart. You will get over this.

I have so much sympathy for you Bev25 as my dss are also reluctant to eat and even then they eat small amounts. Ds1 (3 1/2) was an absolute nightmare but now can be cajoled into eating and when he does I praise him a lot. Ds2 goes through phases but - and I know this isn't recommended - I sometimes let him walk around and play while eating as I know that he will stay calmer than he would in his highchair.

Have you tried placing bowls of healthy snacks here and there so he can pick at things when he's in the mood. Will he drink milk, even if it's flavoured?

I have to some extent stopped thinking in terms of balanced meals, so for example today ds2 had a bowl of peas as a snack and then some baked potato later on. Some mealtimes ds2 will only have pita bread but at other times he might have just pieces of chicken so I think it will all balance out.

I would try cutting out the "junk" and just give him a few healthier options and if he refuses then say "never mind you can have it later if you're hungry". I do believe that unless there is a medical issue it really does help the situation, and you, to stay calm and relaxed.

I hope it goes OK at the doctors. I was worried about ds2 and went to see the HV. Although he wouldn't let us weigh him she said he looks healthy enough and I really just needed someone to say that. If your gp isn't worried and ds is doing ok on the charts then I would just give yourself a break for a week or so and just not worry about it at all.

As someone has said, it is our duty to offer nutritious food but we can't force them to eat it.

Hi Bev - poor you . Can't say that I've experienced this to the same extent you have, but as you can see from all the messages here, it's quite a common problem to have kids that are a nightmare to feed. My son, now 3 is a bit picky, here are a few things that worked with him; maybe you can try some of the ideas on this thread and see if any work?

1. Can you try to talk to him about why he doesn't like to eat certain things? DS is funny about 'wet' food - will eat steak, but not if it has a sauce on it, will refuse spag bol, pizza etc all because it is 'wet'.
2. Have you got family/good friends nearby? DS always eats really well with my parents - they're big foodies who cook a lot, and DS gets put on the work surface with them and allowed to weigh things, pick things up with pincers, get out cutlery and lay table (supervised!), crack eggs etc. He loves it, and is always nibbling as he goes - usually ends up not eating much at the meal time though as he's been picking, but he's much more open to trying stuff. Maybe if you've got someone nearby, they can come and take him out for dinner or lunch? Would he like to go out in the night time for a special treat? May be helpful to you and your husband - I know so many mums, me included, who if we could have one job taken off our hands, it would be cooking/feeding kids!! Maybe if you have a break from it, it may help you feel a bit better about it. Also, someone a bit more distanced may be able to see if there is something that you are missing in his attitude towards food. Please please please don't take this as you being any part of the problem - it just often helps if someone else can give their opinion, if it's someone that you like and respect.
3. Also on the cooking front - cook some playdough with him at home, so that it's fun, and makes a toy - got DS really keen on cooking, and by default, food.
4. What happens if you take him to the supermarket? Does a shop near you have those little trolleys for kids? Maybe give him a special list of things to buy - something green, something heavy, something with a picture of a cow on it, something that makes a noise etc etc. Even if he doesn't eat any of it, it may give you an indication of things he's especially avoiding?
5. Does he go to school/nursery? How do they find it if he does? Maybe they will have some ideas.
6. One of my friends is a psychiatrist, who helped me out when DS was being really picky. She suggested the little bowls of food around the house (raisins/crackers/rice cakes), and allowing DS to graze to begin with.

This is all a bit jumbled up, just tying as I'm thinking, so sorry if it's a bit tough to follow!!

Sending you big hugs - this is a big, emotive issue, but hang in there. See what your doctor says, and remember, all these things will eventually pass. He can't get to 25, dating cute girls and take them out on dates to eat goldfish crackers right...?! . Not belittling your problem AT ALL, it's a tough one, but hang in there.

x

Thanks so much for the ideas, ladies, I appreciate them a lot.
He's a strange kid, I'll give him that. Loves to shop and pick out things, loves to help make things, all the exciting steps to eating and then- BAM. "I dont like it" though he's never put a thing even near his mouth!
I cut up a french bread quick pizza last night and I, my daughter and he sat at the table. He pushed it away as far as it would go and my daughter wolfed it down looking for more! He goes without dinner almost every night since we use that time to have all of eat the same thing. I put a pop tart (you guys have those over there?) I cut it up and put it on a plate near him while he watched TV. I came back to find he turned it into a science experiment by pouring his cup of water all over it. I just took it away and cried.
We have a doctor's appt next week. He CAN eat- he just WONT. He's stubborn as they come- but thanks for the support I feel better about it a little. (What's a spag bol anyway??)

Bless, sorry about english abbreviations - spaghetti bolognese!!!
Really hoping that your doctor is helpful on this one - sounds like it really gets you down (not suprisingly), so make sure he/she realises how much the whole thing upsets you. Am sure sure sure (but obviously not medically trained) that this will get resolved, and he won't be harmed with this not eating properly thing.
Please keep posting with updates.
Thinking of you, big hugs x x

Bev, Sleepless and all of you with kids that are impossible to feed - thank you, if nothing else you've meade me feel a lot better, to know I am not alone! I've just been emailing parentline about this exact same stuff, cos I'm at my wits' end after 7 years of food refusal - and there is no reason for it. So big hugs to you all, I am empathising like mad. For example after 7 years he finally allowed a pea to pass his lips. And he loved it. Trouble is, they're only in season for 2 bloody weeks of the year, and of course, won't eat a cooked pea to save his life. AGGGGHHHHH (Deep breaths, deeeeep breaths)

That's so funny about the peas - my DS totally addicted to raw, fresh peas. He loves the podding bit too. If you're in UK, Waitrose and M&S often have them all year round. If not, then try defrosting frozen peas but not cooking them - sometimes DS falls for it!!! He has been known to eat them frozen before - gets the habit from me, who always eats a handful frozen when I'm cooking

You must be so proud - fingers crossed for all those tricky eaters out there!

hi everyone , my son is 7 and has has strange habits from being little it started with him getting really upset and heart broke if his hands were dirty, then he started not eating his food and yes you ask for advice and all you get is not to worry he looks a picture of health, but for me its gone on long enough and im his mum and you know if theres something wrong and i really feel his has a food phobia .
He wont have his food touching each other ,
he wont share a drink ,
if you have touched his plate ,he wants a new one.
if you ask for a kiss he checks you out first to see if you have anything on your face before he gives you one ,
he wont kiss you on your lips ,
he wipes his food on him like it has something on it,
all his foods are nutural colours , he has no colour.
he,ll drop things on the floor so he doesnt have to eat it,
if you have something on your hands and like sauce and say pass me that glass he,ll say no , because of your hand.
he wont share a crisp with you because he doesnt want you touching his packet and if you suggest he take one out for you he will with a moan but he will drop it on to your hand.
when he has tryed new things in the past he as threw up , but i have sat and watched him its like hes scared of chewing , sounds silly i know .
but i have been pulled at school as they have concerns now and its the 3rd time and they told me that he is refusing to eat at school and im not surprised as id get fid up with pasta everyday beacuse he wont touch nothing else and he,ll wipe all the sauce off and his jumper will be coverd in sauce when he gets home but also he dosent drink water at school so he isnt drinking alot .
He is so pale and yes he has got taller but he has lost weight and im worried
that things could get even worse , im booking in with a doctor on tues who knows his stuff and hopfully he can point me in the right direction , because i look at him and think you must be hungry .
To anyone that has concrens for your child get it looked or ask for second apinnan as it will get worse and its hard .

Josephine, I would cut and paste your post into a new thread. You will get more replies then, I think. This thread is years old and the 60 odd old posts will take ages for anyone else t read before they get to yours.

Btw, doyoir ds' 'rules' extend into other areas or just eating/drinking? I think seeking help from your gp is a ver good idea.

I'll look out for a new thread.

ds1 5.1 is also fussy so you have my sympathies. I have started to use Nutrigen Vitamixin Sprinkes. This is a vitamin powder that you can mix wth semi-solid food like pasta, mashed potatoes, beans etc Even my fussy ds can't detect it (there is no way he would take a vitamin syrup). I know it doesn't solve the issue but if he has anything you could mix it with it would take the pressure of you.....

Your friend is right. If you carry on with this level of stress and anxiety, you risk giving him an eating disorder. Exactly the same thing was said to my mother 27 years ago. I ate nothing from that point except dry crustless white bread with ketchup in. I am now so well nourished that my first child's midwife called a colleague in to chortle over my astronomical iron count.

give him the food he wants to eat. You are only responsible for providing food. You are not responsible for eating it for him.

"I had a complete meltdown today about it when my best friend had a go at me and told me that i was gonna give him huge eating disorders and that i had to get help about it."

What triggered your friend to have a go at you? What were you doing?

Ok, this is a bit radical but I think this has made a massive difference to my DS: Prep school with an excellent chef!

He goes for breakfast, cooked lunch and a light supper.

Whats the secret??? Fab school, fab chef????? No..... The answer is, I AM NOT THERE!!! Peer pressure has a massive effect and DS now eats and we had major issues in the past believe me!

Oh buggery bollocks this child is now eleven! And probably eating everything he comes across.

i feel like a right twat now....

:) 2004!!