severe eating problems with 4 year old DS Please help falling apart about it!!!!!!

[sleeplessmum2be]

Basically i have a ds (4) who started life with severe weight loss after 1/2 weeks as he was not getting enough nutrition from my milk, then progressed to gastric reflux, then went onto solids and was told he was tongue tied with a very small windpipe and would probably have problems with solids until he grew up to maybe 4 or 5. Logically and interlectually i understand that this entire history has caused my neurosis. The problem is that myself my dp and ds are now in a really bad situation.

The focus on mealtimes is huge, i get really wound up about his food intake and its quality/balance. We still feed him most of the time and distract him with books and stories just to get the food into him. He is hugely fussy and every time he gets ill his diet reduces back down to nothing.

He had just recovered (i hope!!) from a severe stomach bug and has eaten nothing but bread, crackers, toast and cucumber for 8 days.

I had a complete meltdown today about it when my best friend had a go at me and told me that i was gonna give him huge eating disorders and that i had to get help about it. I guess that has upset me as i am sure she is right.

I have been told so many times to let him starve till he will eat. Take the food away if he doesnt eat it in 20 mins etc and a) He will just not eat for x amount of days he is hugely stubborn!!! b) I cannot cope with him not eating c) He has now lost so much wieght from the 7 days of diarohea i need to build him up not starve him.

I am fighting with myself to be laid back about the whole issue and have done for days now and have not pressurised him at all and have left him to bread and cucumber but i cant bear to see his tiny thin little ribs sticking out and i feel such a bad mother that i cant even manage to provide or encourage him to sustain himself properly.

By the way i am pregnant and hugely hormonal too so i think things are somewhat amplified?

Any help advice would really be appreciated as im sitting here in a right state with tears rolling down my face right now!!!{

there was an article in the Independent a while ago about a little boy who is also an incredibly faddy eater (his mum died when she was 25 weeks pregnant with him, so he was premature and tube fed for a long time) and how his step mum tackled the problem together with Gina Ford and a paediatrician. It's a good article with some helpful hints in it, costs £1 to read online here

I have read that a dietician can help with this stuff - Id go to your new doctor and ask to be refered and make sure the doc listens to all you have said as you have tried so much. Good luck

Children crave attention much more than they crave food, so if not eating gets your attention (even bad, tearful, shouty attention) he will be (perversely!) happy. And it won't make him eat. So even if you continue to feel unhappy, anxious and stressed I do think it is absolutely vital that you hide this from him. I think 20 minutes is ample time to eat so I agree, take the food away if he hasn't eaten. Provide food you know for sure he likes. Give him biscuits and cakes along with chicken and broccolli - calories are good things for kids, even when they come in the form of banana cake and chocolate digestives. Give him snacks and don't offer frighteningly huge portions. I think you really do need to step back (easier said than done, I know) and take the focus off food altogether. Be deliberately casual. Fake it! Don't feed him. Don't distract him (my ds eats LESS when we do this) and just give him the food and let him get on with it, and praise any mouthful he takes. Make sure he gets attention when he eats, and not when he refuses to eat. Good luck.

sympathies- mine is much the same. he will eat gluten free bread, with jam, honey or philadelphia and jam, buckwheat pancakes with jam, plain ready salted crisps gluten free cheese and tomato pizza, scrambled eggs and apart from cakes etc that is it. Currently no fruit, no veg, no meat. Did eat chips for w hile but no more. Used to give him smoothies but he was sick after one 2 and a half years ago and won't touch them. He will have frechly squeezed orange juice.

I hide things in his food. Cheese goes in his pancakes, (the philadelphia on toast is only ever under jam). I make his gluten free bread so add ground linseed, hempseed etc. i give him a god multivitamin and cod liver oil every day.

Saw a dietician but she was useless. He sees a nutritionist. I do know children who have mucb worse diets than him. In my son;s case his problems are mainly sensory so he would rather starve himself than eat something that doesn't feel right. We have worked on a sensory programme - puitting things in the mouth etc but it hasn't helped really.

Generally I don't worry about it- when I cook ds2's dinner I add a couple of items to ds1's plate and ignore it. That's how we got him eating pizza and scrambled eggs.

Thank You Aloha: the attention / food balance is something I need to remind myself of.

I am also a great believer in a daily multivitamin as insurance for your mental health - ie he's had some vits so I can stop worrying. I also tell him they are 'sweeties', which works well!

Just to recommend Dinochews as multivitamin, they are v v popular and taste a bit like Refreshers (if you remember them). Obtainable on the net or health food stores.

I am absolutely overwhelmed by the support, advice and care shown by you all Thank you so very much. I did really hit meltdown/breaking point on it the other night and it was so so so helpful to pour it all out here and to figure out where it all stems from and that my fear is going through all the same stuff again. I have to say that in the end it did make me realise how bad the situation has gotten and yesterday morning when my little one didnt want breakfast i shook his hand and said, you know what im having a pact wiht you, i am just not gonna argue with you about food anymore, if you dont want it thats fine by me' He gave me the most strange shy quizzical look and then ate up his breakfast. I just keep saying to myself, chill chill chill, no pressure, no worries whatever.!!! Yesterday for dinner he ate 2 fish fingers instead of the 3 on the plate and 1 potatoe. He didnt want his carrots or his apple and i just said fine.

Breakfast he ate rice crispies (Totally shocked!!!) But no apple!!!

Nothing at school for lunch!
1 Roll in the car on the way home from school!!!

I have spent a little time (and probably need more!)trying to get my dp to catch up with me. but now i have a tear rolling down my face because he just .........

Ate, completely unaided a whole bowl (1st time ever) of spag bol and 4 baby corns and is now half way through AN APPLE !!!! As daddy has promised him a fairy cake if he eats half the apple!!! After 10 days of nothing i feel so so much better!!!!!!!

Thank you all so much. For me i think the most important thing has been to see and accept dp and my part in the whole dynamics and games of the situation and Aloha you are so right about the positive praise for the good stuff and keeping all negative out of the equation. !!!!!

Thank you all again,

Something which helps me is to realise that there are many children out there who eat less than my son. A good book for that (!) is Can't Eat Won't Eat by brenda Legge. That book made me lighten up a lot about ds1's eating.

Also can I just give you this from "Sam and George" by Charlotte Moore- I keep plugging this book, but there;s so much in it that I have found helpful. This bit made me relaxed about ds1's dreadful eating habits again.

The introduction to the chapter starts with her talking about how she did all the right things early on etc the:

"I would have been astounded and horrified if I could have seen into their nutritional future. This morning George breakfasted on 6 After Eights and ;emon barley water. I was pleased- pleased- because lately he hasn't been eating anything at all. Sam had no breakfast. This is common.......The only thing he ate before the shcool taxi arrived was a sugar mouse which wasa the bribe I used to get him out of bed.

Sam takes a "packed lunch"- a bag of plain crisps, some gluten free biscuits, some raisins, an apple, a bag of Whizzers (dairy free Smartie wannabees) and a small marzipan cat made by my mother. He will eat about half of this. Guess which things he'll leave. George doesn't have a lunchbox, because at the moment he chooses to deny that he eats anything at all. So I smuggle supplies into his taxi on Monday mornings. On arrival, Pat, the taxi escort, convbeys the supplies to George's teacher by similar sleight of hand. They are kept in a draw to which he has unrestricted access. Most days he won't eat unless nobody's looking.......The drawer contains Twiggletts, crisps, Aeros and Bourbon biscuits. Some days he gets through quite a lot of those but today was not one of those days. The note in the home-school book says 'G. has eaten nothing except a small tube of Parma Violets.'

I don't think Parma Violets count towards the recommened 5 daily portions of fruit and veg."

Don't know if that sort of stuff helps- but it does help me so thought I'd share.

Wow! That's fantastic! You sound a million times happier and I'm SO pleased for you.

Now you've just got to keep your nerve when he 'relapses'!

I think the 'pact' is just the coolest thing I've ever heard!

thank you thank you!!!! Hormones still raging and yes i know i have to keep my strategy going when he goes back to square one or even slips a little.!!!!

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They won't eat if they are autistic and have sensory problems about food. They would rather starve.

Poppins are you just a nanny (from other threads) or do you have children yourself? A big big difference about sending a child to bed hungry if you are the nanny rather than the mother is that you don't have to get up at 3am when they wake up starving.

My autistic son tends to go on hunger strike when we go away. Last time he did this he ended up in ketogenesis and spent 3 days throwing up unable to keep down even water (finally got better when I found out about an old fashioned remedy that involved giving him sugar as well). Now when we go away I'm happy if he eats anything at all. And we always take a bowl.

I was given no pudding as a child if I didn't eat my meal and I dug my heels in totally. Still eat very little veg (sorry - just a few favs). I honestly don't think not giving a child pudding works - sorry.

What a relief to read this thread. My 5 yr old son is a fussy eater as well, and having read the thread about the 4.5 yr old who came to tea and wouldn't eat it, I was beginning to feel like a bad mum again.

He eats a limited range of foods but shape and presentation are important e.g he eats carrots, but only baton carrots.
Nothing must touch on his plate or he won't eat it.
No gravy or sauce of any kind must be on his food, but he will dip it in tomato ketchup or salad cream.

This morning I sat down a wrote a list of all the foods that my son will eat. It covers all the food groups, so I'm happy about that, but I wish he would eat normal meals. e.g he would not eat a pasta bake, but will happily eat pasta, broccoli and grated cheese in separate piles on his plate.

Sometimes I think I should force the issue and try to starve him into submission, but then I think, if I can get a balanced range of foods into him doing it his way, why should I rock the boat?

My lingering fear is that he will never eat normal meals and that this could be a problem later in life

My daughter is only coming up to 2 but eats in the same way as your son Iota. I always say she's a great eater because she eats a good range of food - bread, pasta, veg, fruit, some meat (only ham and sausages really)and fish. I think you know your son won't be eating like this when he's 18! We try to put something new on her plate most days - or will give her the bits of the meal separately but also a bit mixed together. She peers very minutely at some of our offerings and I think she just wants some control which is fine by me.

I think I should add that, in addition to the fussy 5 yr old, I have a 3 yr old ds2, who loves his food - he eats spag bol etc, loves roast dinners with gravy and is alway willing to have a go at any of mummmy and daddy's food - such as chinese and indidan takeaways.

How did I get 2 such different children - I'm scared ds2 will turn into a ds1 clone as he idolises his big brother.

Poppins - it's not that simple when there are sensory issues. My ds1 was a large, fully-developed baby but had to spend a week being tube-fed in the SCBU because his mouth was so sensitive that he wouldn't take milk any other way (breast or bottle). I think it's somewhat unlikely that a newborn baby is having a tantrum and thinking in terms of "I want THAT instead!" At 4yrs old ds1 has a fairly restricted diet, living mainly on pasta, ham and carrots. It's not a question of him wanting junk food instead. He rarely eats chocolate (maybe 2 or 3 times a year) and doesn't touch sweets at all. He refuses to let any kind of breadcrumbs near his mouth. We have to rely on a multi-vitamin tablet and encourage him to eat if we can. As for going to bed without food, well that wouldn't bother him in the slightest. In 4 years he has never once used the words "I'm hungry".

iota, your ds sounds just like mine. Mine is now 4.5 and has improved a little. Presentation of the food isn't so much of an issue. A few months ago he started to eat pizza! I was so pleased and amazed that I posted a thread on it. He will now eat cut up chicken and well as ham, so we can now have Sunday Lunch and all eat the same, except that like your ds, there can't be any gravy on his food! Things are getting better, slowly. He will now eat lasgana, before that he would only eat pasta spirals.

And also, iota I have a 7 year old dd who will eat anything. On holiday this year she started to 'shell' prawns to eat, even pulling the heads off!

hmb - thanks for your message. I think I will continue with the gradual approach - I am trying to wean him away from chicken nuggets and have recently got him to eat home-made ones.
Then yesterday I managed to get him to eat chicken breast cooked in foil with lemon and garlic - usually he would refuse to even try a small piece of anything of that nature.

Wow iota, i wish my DS2 (4) would eat chicken breast done in foil, well done to your son.

Just a tip for fruitless kiddies, I'm getting DS2 to eat fruit by making ice lollies in the blender. Today I bought some reduced strawbs and have blended with some frozen mixed berries honey and water. I know he'll eat them as he's been getting different ones all week. I got peaches and oranges into him the other day this way As long as it's sweet enough he loves them.

Iota, I have found that using the more 'adult' chicken gougons (sp?)that are made from whole breast meat were a good 'half way' to 'real' meat IYSWIM. And he could still dip them in tomato sauce.....we should get our boys together thinking about it! I bet they would get on like a house on fire . He even nibbled on an apple today....I amost wept with gratitude! Ironicaly he will eat almost any veg, but fruit, other than bananas are threated as the spawn of Satan. I'm sure that your ds will improve with time. When ds was younger he would only eat oblong chocolate biscuits, rounds ones were out! Now presentation isn't such an issue

oh, thank you for the fruit tip, i'll have to try that one.

Judging from this thread it seems to be mainly boys who are faddy, my ds (4.5) is the same. He will only eat Weetabix for breakfast, with warm milk, and it mustn't be too runny or too stodgy. When I present it to him, he says "Is it perfect, Mummy?" !!

Oh, and he won't eat original Weetabix, it has to be the healthy eating weetabix from Tescos ...

Saying that, I have persuaded him to try skinless sausages and mince in a bol sauce again this week - he used to love them but all of a sudden,months ago, he refused them, so I'm pleased I have another couple of foods to give him again.