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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Punishment for stealing and lying

43 replies

Itcouldhavebeenbeetroot · 30/01/2007 16:06

So ds3 has been caught out a few times now, had strong and gently chats about it. Silly things - pens, inkibish, etc.

each time I say 'it will be much worse if you lie - last chance to tell me the truth etc etc

Today he lied to me about the whereabouts of his flute
and I shouted at him saying 'that's it - no more Mr nice guy'

this afternoon I found a calculator in his bag - he said it was ds1, ds1 said that ds3 had said he had bought it.

so my guess is he has lifted it ewufhodjfnc;iudhfp ea

So what do I do?

short sharp shock IMO.

does not get back until 730 because of singing and football.

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Original poster

Itcouldhavebeenbeetroot · 30/01/2007 17:39

going round in circles

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Soapbox · 30/01/2007 17:39

Tricky then - can you tell from his face whether he is lying?

scatterbrain · 30/01/2007 17:40

I find this really difficult - because my mother never trusted a word I said ! Even from when I was about 5 yrs old she thought everything I told her was a lie and religiously double checked everything. It was vile, absolutely vile and shot my self-esteem to smithereens.

She accused me of stealing something I was given as a birthday present once - and she threw it in the bin. A girl at school gave it to me as she had been ill on the day of my party. It was nothing much - but it was the accusations and the lack of trust that gutted me the most. I was about 9 or 10 I guess.

So - I guess all I am saying is that you need to be on his side with this, not against him, or you run the risk of ruining your relationship with him.

I don't know what I'd do in your circs - talk to him I guess, but ask not accuse and get him to talk to you. you need non confrontational !

Sorry - bit emotive for me - not sure if am making a lot of sense - just vile to have the person you love most in the universe thinking you are a liar and thief ! I'm 39 now and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

Original poster

Itcouldhavebeenbeetroot · 30/01/2007 17:46

SB - we have discovered recently that he has been lying. He has admitted it and promised it woudl stop[. I have told him that becasue of this I cannot beleive him and he needs to earn my trust. This calculator has been around (so ds2 tells me) since before the lying was discovered.

No Soapy - he looks at me with innocent big eyes and lies!

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DimpledThighs · 30/01/2007 18:47

I don't really know what to say then, it is a really tricky one. I suppose you have to confiscate and punish for the stealing but I think if it was me I would not involve the school. You could confiscate something else of his as well or anything to hammer home that stealing is wrong.

Sorry that is rubbish advice, just really feel for you. Hope it works out.

helenhismadwife · 30/01/2007 19:08

firstly I would ask him to tell you where it came from and see what he says.

If he admits he did it take it then I would make him take it back to the shop or if it was a child at school I would make him tell the teacher with you there and let the school deal with it. If he doesnt admit it and you are sure he is lying I would do the same.

I know this sounds harsh but in a few years you wont be able to deal with it at home if he gets caught, it will be a police matter and that will be awful.

One of my boys (now 14) went through this stage a few years back it was awful and I was devasted nothing (or xp) said or did seemed to have any affect, he was a very good at lying about it in the end I got the local community policeman to have a chat with him, and tell him how serious it could be and how it could affect his future drastic but I was so worried.

Original poster

Itcouldhavebeenbeetroot · 30/01/2007 20:34

I went to pick up ds from Choir and told him I wanted a word. I asked about the calculator and he said he had found it at home. I said I didn't believe him - he insisted.

So I said well I will have to go talk to Mr XXX (the head) - he said fine

We went and found him and we had a chat. ds said he found it, didn't know whose it was.

head was good. said that he really wanted to believe him, that he knows ds3 is really trying to make an effort now and he is very proud of him. Said that if he had found it at home, then really he should have asked me if he could borrow it.

So we leave it like that. I have no idea how it got into the house. I cannot prove ds3 stole it. But he knows I will not stand for it.?

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batters · 30/01/2007 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Itcouldhavebeenbeetroot · 30/01/2007 21:32

Bless my little ds3.

He was in tears tonight in bed. and finally confessed that he had seen he calculator in the practice room where he practices piano and it had been there for ages. He finally picked it up and pocketed it - he said no one seemed to own it.

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Spidermama · 30/01/2007 21:38

Ahhhh Beets. A lesson learned then. I think you handled that brilliantly by the sound of it. He's a good boy too, clearly.

Original poster

Itcouldhavebeenbeetroot · 30/01/2007 22:07

Thanks spider . I do feel relief and I hope the head is sensitive

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scatterbrain · 30/01/2007 22:09

Oh well done - and he is obviously upset and relieved that it's out in the open bless him !

It could have been so much worse couldn't it ?

Think you handled it extremeley well - must remember this for when my dd is bigger !

Well done xxx

Soapbox · 30/01/2007 22:11

God Beety - you have been through it today haven't you!

This is just so difficult isn;t it? I'd be pissed off at being lied to and for him lying to the Head - but what do you do?

He has at least come clean and I suppose that must have been difficult for him to do.

I would let it calm down and then give a little lecture on the importance of being truthfull - you'll always love him no matter what, but there are some behaviours which you find disappointing blah de blah!

Well done with the Head thing, that was quite inspired and a good way to handle things - if only he'd been telling the truth[wry smile]

Original poster

Itcouldhavebeenbeetroot · 30/01/2007 22:16

It is a difficult one isn't it. the thing had been lying abound for weeks - noone wanted it - and in the end ds3 took it. To a nine year old it is a difficult concept - but a lesson learnt I hope

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DimpledThighs · 30/01/2007 22:19

H ewas upset and he confessed. I thinkhe finally understood the gravitas of the situation.

Nicely handled.

pinkbubble · 30/01/2007 22:43

Good for you! Iam lucky I know when DD1 is lying she cant look at me and fortunately for me she knows that.... I would of hated to be in your situation but I think I would of handled it either you tell me exactly what happened or I presume this(ie the stealing from a shop even thou you dont it dont let them know!!) It worked for me with DD when she came home from sch with a cock and bull story as to why she had blackberry juice down her PE top(She knows I like her to have her hair up at sch but we both clash so we have agreed on certain subjects she has it tied back ie PE,) walking to sch one day they had a blackberry fight DD didnt realse it was in hair she never tied it back althou had told me she did and it was all over her white Pe top. She came home with a story it ob didnt match up(in her eyes it did) and she was found out.DD wouldnt admit to what went on so I threatened to phone the sch, lucky for me this was enough for DD to admit as she knows I will foloow my actions! Good luck really pleased you got a result

wotzsaname · 30/01/2007 22:52

i used to tell mine when they were little (a trick told to me by a frind) to stick out their tongue to see if they were telling a lie

if tthey had i could tell as there were spots on it that only mummys could see.

Of course if they had lied they didnt want to show me their tongue or if they asked if i could see spots, i knew !!

well we had fun with that while it lasted.

Original poster

Itcouldhavebeenbeetroot · 31/01/2007 09:29

with hope this is the last of it.

went to see the head and he was very kind and wants to work with ds3 to help him.

very impressed and ds seemed cheerful for the first tiem in a long time

Thanks for all you advice - I wouldn't have gone tothe head without this!

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