I'm close to breaking point and am becoming everything that i always HATED!

[kutilputil]

PLS CAN SOMEONE HELP ME...IF THERE IS A PROFESSIONAL OUT THERE PLS HELP!i'm a first time mom to a year old lil man and he is driving me pots at meal times!my sons history is that he was and still is a fab baby and never seizes to amaze me, he has excelled in all areas of development in my opinion and i have always kept a relaxed attitude to mealtimes and weaning him was a pleasure as he enjoyed his food and took to everything...i still get complemented when he reaches out for a fruit!but he is under weight and i just cant manage to fatten him up...now recently he has started to play up with breakfast and shuts both his eyes and mouth tight!AND IT MAKES ME FURIOUS!i not only need advice on what to do to make him eat but also advice on how to improve my behaiviour...i feel close to tears to say that i'm turning into a monster...i'm becoming the person i hate most..a bully!i dont know what comes over me as i force the spoon into his mouth and make him cry...why i shout at him when i know he doesn't get a word i say?!when ever i saw mothers force feeding their kids i was disgusted...and now i'm doing the same..i feel so small and incompetent...i cant even manage one kid and want more!its my deficiency as a person that is making the situation worse...i always tell myself to BEHAVE..so that my son sees me as an example...but i feel like a failure....pls can someone help me!as for his feeding...what am i doing wrong...he is well in himself and seems keen to feed...but i realise that he gets breastmilk as and when he needs at night as he is in bed with us and in the morning he has a feed and about half and hour to an hour later i try to give him breakfast...is this where im going wrong?HELP

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Why do you think he is underweight? How old is he? Is he well and energetic? There's nothing wrong with being a slim child. You clearly know you have to stop shouting and forcing him. That will really make him worse - he will eat less, not more. It's simply counterproductive. I think you need strategies for when you START to feel anxious even before that anxiety begins to manifest as anger. Stop the meal. Get out of the house where you simply can't shout and rage. Go to a cafe and buy him a biscuit and have a calm sit down yourself, or a walk in the park. End the meal and put a video on for him while you make yourself a cup of tea an do some deep breathing. Offer simple things like bananas that he can manage himself. All mothers feel incompetant and guilty at times. YOu are not alone in that. I think your anxiety is much more of a problem here than your son's eating. Tackle that and the eating will take care of itself, I suspect.

Can you give him breakfast first and breastfeed afterwards?

If you can, try to have as many meals as possible outside your home. eg in the park, in a cafe, at a friends house. This will distract you and force you to keep calm.

Try to relax.
He is picking up on your stress, you know that though don't you? That's why the harder you try, the more he is refusing food.

Have you tried popping the food in front of him and just leaving him to it...? I know it's hard when you are worrying about how much he eats, but if you can force yourself not to watch him he may feel more relaxed and more in control and sit there happily munching away. DS often refuses food if it is 'fed to' him (stubborn, headstrong little blighter!)

If I'm feeding ds in the kitchen I do the washing up while he feeds himself and just galnce over at him every so often to make encouraging, appreciative noises! Used to jump up and down and clap and dance every time he put a spoonful inhis mouth...most amusing for him, and worth a repeat performance...

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Is there a reason why you can't give him his breakfast later?

I got really frantic when my ds - who would previously eat anything and everything - suddenly started food refusing. I forget, but think he was around about the year-old stage. Then suddenly everyone on the post-natal thread with kids of the same age started to post exactly the same stories. Turns out it is completely normal.
He still does it sometimes, will have days of eating like a horse, then days of refusing everything and I can't understand how he carries on with so little food. But it's clearly normal for him to go through phases (presumably associated with whether he's growing/how active he is etc).
Don't beat yourself up, it totally stressed me out and I definitely made the situation worse by trying to fight with him and get him to eat, now I accept that this week is a non-food week, if he doesn't want it we just finish the meal and that's that.
I really hope that's of some help.

I have a baby who's just become a fussy eater too. he's only 9 months but for a couple of months now has been on mainly finger food as he will not let us feed him with a spoon (except for sweet stuff like oatibix and yoghurts). I am also a bit worried about it but mainly because I'm concerned he isn't getting enough milk. All the books say he should be having at least 18oz a day, he has 4-5oz in morning and 6-8oz at bedtime. He will not drink milk during the day. I was getting about another 5 oz in him in his oatibix for breakfast but for the last few days he's refused to eat much of that (and this morning he ate none of it). Is it going to do him any harm if he only gets 12oz milk (plus a bit more from petitfilous, cheese etc)?

Also if he refuses to eat something should I leave him to eat nothing or give him something I know he'll eat (ie bread). I don't want to starve him but I also don't want him to learn that if he doesn't want something he can just refuse it and be given something he does want.

kutilpultil - i have very different situation to you but very much empathise with how it makes you feel about yourself. Do you suffer from pms ? Have you noticed that sometimes you feel more able to deal with the same situation much better than at other times ?

Look at your baby. Does he have a good colour? Is he happy and alert? Is he as heavy as he was a month ago (ie not losing weight?) Then he's probably fine.

Babies and toddlers know very well how much they want to eat and, I think, what they need too. If they are offered healthy choices, they may have favourites for a while but will often vary their own diet. People who draw up weight charts should be offering guidelines, but if your baby is healthy and happy and eating something, they should not be taken too seriously.

My dss were fed on demand for 2 years and never ate more than 2 meals a day, as toddlers. It's only once they were weaned and then started school that I have found they need a third meal. 3 meals a day is an odd habit for developed Western cultures. It's not essential. You could cut out or delay the morning feed and have breakfast instead, or you can just let him have a lighter breakfast. Either should be fine.

Do relax and go back to enjoying your baby. Don't let anyone frighten you into being like this. They have obviously tapped into something powerful in you. (Personally, I hate throwing away food I've prepared and yes, I've occasionally lost it like you, when an apparently hungry child turned their nose up at a meal they would have loved yesterday. Next day it would be banana sandwiches for lunch and everyone happy.) See if you can deal with whatever is making you feel guilty. You are obviously a caring and loving mum. You have not failed if your child is not eating like a horse. They can survive on small amounts of healthy food and lots of love.

Best of luck in getting back to having fun together.

Firstly don't worry about his weight. Look at how you and your partner were as babies and what sort of size you are now (if you are both tall and thin he is likely to be) - he is probably fine. My ds went from 75th centile to 25th to 9th to 50th where he has stayed (he's now almost 3).
Secondly, I have been there and know how you feel but force feeding him won't improve anything. You are not 'deficient as a person' You are just going through the normal difficulties of feeding small children that no-one tells you about until you get to them!
If it helps, both my children refused to be fed or at least wanted to part self-feed from about 10 months. I didn't realise with ds but certainly recognised the signs with dd and she was self feeding almost all her food by 14 months - even yoghurt. Try giving him practice with a spoon (or at least a spoon to hold), giving him bits of toast to hold and eat while you get a spoon of cereal or whatever in between and start the meal with finger foods. Cheese sticks and bananas are good as they aren't slippery and are pretty nutritious. My dd loved sandwiches from really early on too. That makes him feel he is in control and not you.....which is kind of the whole battle isn't it. Good luck, am at work so could write more but shouldn't really be on here so will come back later!

thankyou everyone who have shed some light into this issue...i agree with everyone about relaxing...its just...at that moment in time...i see red...and it becomes a power trip...im so ashamed..im fighting with a 1 year old!tomps...wots pms again and what are the symptoms?i do find myself being slightly jekel and hyde!is it becasue i might have had food issues as a child...from my mom...like a vicious circle?i find myself being obsessed with cleaning him and although i know all the benefits of mucking in i just cant get him to do it...

PMS stand for pre menstrual syndrome so can be used to describe a wide variety of symptoms but usually ones you notice at around the same time each month. I notice that I become more irritable, self-loathing, feel unable to cope with even small setbacks, cry more easily, crave carbohydrates ... crap basically and often quite irrational. What has very very much helped for me is taking agnus castus and milkthistle which are both herbal supplements. I've noticed a huge difference in that my moods are much more balanced throughout the month without huge mood swings. I only suggest this as it worked for me. Good luck

"Is it becasue i might have had food issues as a child...from my mom...like a vicious circle?i find myself being obsessed with cleaning him and although i know all the benefits of mucking in i just cant get him to do it... "

Our own babies have a habit of finding out the weak parts of ourselves. If we have issues from our own upbringing, you can be sure that they come out when we have our own children.

If you still have issues (which we all do, but some more powerfully/destructively than others) it makes it harder for you to follow that advice of "Just relax and . . ." Talking it through with people, whether your HV or on Mumsnet, is important, I think, in trying to escape from a cycle of behaviour. It will be worth it in the end, however, if you and your little boy are happier.

My dd2 is 15 mths, sounds just like your baby in many ways and a few months ago became really difficult to feed. So I started to put a few finger foods in front of her and simply left her to it. It has really helped - I think this is a baby's way of gaining control and independence and if you DON'T turn it into a battle your ds will soon relax and probably become easier to spoon feed. My dd will let me feed her now but I still give her a lot of finger food so she keeps 'in control'.

Please don;t beat yourself up over it. It is frustrating but your ds won;t starve, the survival instinct will soon kick in if he starts to suffer - just make sure that the food is available to him at meal times and let him get on with it.

Good luck.

I am deadly serious in my advice to be out of the house at mealtimes. Go to playgroups, cafes, the park, friends' houses...anywhere where you absolutely have to control yourself and be nice because you are in public. Take a banana and cream cheese sandwiches or a couple of biscuits and let him feed himself in the buggy or at the cafe etc. It will give you the experience of letting him eat while controlling your temper.

And I haven't fed my dd from a spoon forever...she is two next month and I think I gave up all attempts to feed her at the age of one. She totally feeds herself now.

i think im gona go crazy today!he is playing up so much im close to breaking down...i have tried to entertain him, give him snacks and play with him yet he keeps on crying at the most trivial thing!and i cant handle it..im trying to stay calm but am finding myself behave pathetically!...just now he had a good bout of crying and i simply ignored it...and it went on and on until suddenly he switched and changed his direction to puting his hat and pyjama bottom on his head!lol...im getting old!yes tompsi think i have pms...but i just finished my period...so how does that work...because all the symptoms you said..i have....and some days its good and some terribly bad like today...and i cant even get out the house because the damn engineers are comming to fix my tv!im stuck at home with a moany baby....and yet i feel so sorry for him...with tears all over his face and a runny nose.....

He's almost certainly tired. Does he nap in the day? Can you ask a friend round? I would say GO OUT NOW but see you are waiting for engineers. Grrr. It's not his fault, honest.

Do you always feel this bad or do you have good days too?

yes aloha..your right in saying to let him feed himself...which he does happily...but i worry that he is not getting enough...and as for feeding outside...you do have to feed them in your own house as well...like today when you have to be home...i have to learn to control myself better!there are other factors affecting my judgement and behaiviour...like coments from family and friends about the size of my son and their well intended advice such as what food to feed him and how...while offering a pack of crisp to their whinging two year old!oh i can go on....

kutilputil, I really do recommend you try some pms remedies such as agnus castus and milk thistle, because I so recognise the feelings you portray. As I said they will take a couple of months probably to start working but hopefully you will start to feel better when you feel you're taking control of how you're feeling. I've not tried it but I believe reflexology is recommended for pms too. There's lots of advice here: pms organisation At least if you can even out your hormones you will be able to see the wood for the trees and feel better able to tackle day to day problems or see if you need more help. I have also had success with coping with those aaarrgh I can't cope feelings by using a homeopathic remedy called pulsatilla which is available at boots; and bach's rescue remedy; and lavender oil ! Hope that helps, I really feel for you and hope you can get yourself back on top of everything

no there are somedays...many..when i feel on top of the world...but days like this make me want to eat choclate and be horrible to him...and yes...i know what you are saying aloha bout sleep...he is now sleeping...he must have been tired...but theres this old Bangladeshi saying..."the brain only works after the thief has done his job!"now that he is sleeping im telling myself...yes he was over tired...and next time i'll know better...and then that next time comes and i make the same mistake!

Is he actually underweight according to height and weight charts? Is he small for his age too? Are you and/or your dh small?

"Underweight" to me would mean being off the charts entirely, or being for example on the 75th centile for height but the 2nd centile for weight. (If you are not in the UK you may not know what I'm on about!). But unless he is not well in himself, even this isn't necessarily a reason to worry.

So sorry this has become such a problem. I know it is so easy for us all to say, relax and it will improve, but honestly it is the only way!

(another thing which may help whilst you are at home - works for me - I imagine I am being filmed for one of those supernanny-type programmes and there are cameras watching my every move - it really does help to smarten up my behaviour!!)