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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I'm close to breaking point and am becoming everything that i always HATED!

51 replies

kutilputil · 23/01/2007 10:12

PLS CAN SOMEONE HELP ME...IF THERE IS A PROFESSIONAL OUT THERE PLS HELP!i'm a first time mom to a year old lil man and he is driving me pots at meal times!my sons history is that he was and still is a fab baby and never seizes to amaze me, he has excelled in all areas of development in my opinion and i have always kept a relaxed attitude to mealtimes and weaning him was a pleasure as he enjoyed his food and took to everything...i still get complemented when he reaches out for a fruit!but he is under weight and i just cant manage to fatten him up...now recently he has started to play up with breakfast and shuts both his eyes and mouth tight!AND IT MAKES ME FURIOUS!i not only need advice on what to do to make him eat but also advice on how to improve my behaiviour...i feel close to tears to say that i'm turning into a monster...i'm becoming the person i hate most..a bully!i dont know what comes over me as i force the spoon into his mouth and make him cry...why i shout at him when i know he doesn't get a word i say?!when ever i saw mothers force feeding their kids i was disgusted...and now i'm doing the same..i feel so small and incompetent...i cant even manage one kid and want more!its my deficiency as a person that is making the situation worse...i always tell myself to BEHAVE..so that my son sees me as an example...but i feel like a failure....pls can someone help me!as for his feeding...what am i doing wrong...he is well in himself and seems keen to feed...but i realise that he gets breastmilk as and when he needs at night as he is in bed with us and in the morning he has a feed and about half and hour to an hour later i try to give him breakfast...is this where im going wrong?HELP

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Aloha · 23/01/2007 13:54

Keep posting. I do think you need practise in having some relaxed mealtimes which is why I suggest going out. Try and give him a regular daytime sleep time and that will eliminate a lot of crying and give you a break.

sunnysideup · 23/01/2007 13:55

kutil, routine deals with a multitude of sins....you say you realise he was overtired today but then might make the same mistake again; do you think he needs a more structured routine - I kind of went on rails with my ds who always slept from 12pm to 2pm, so he didn't really have time to get 'overtired' if you know what I mean.

Do you have an established routine of any kind with him? If not, I think trying to establish even a loose set of 'expectations' of what he should do in a day, might help your stress levels.

Don't forget you really CANNOT force your child to eat, it's a physical impossibility so you may as well save yourself the emotional trauma! You are doing all you can by providing him with good stuff to eat....you can't MAKE him eat it.....and try not to have any pre-set ideas about how much he SHOULD be eating; there's no point as your ds will eat exactly what he wants and needs....only think of him as 'underweight' if he is clinically diagnosed as such. Lots of kids don't look like the stereoptyped bouncing baby, my ds was always a string bean but very healthy all the same.

I do hope you can relax and I do think one key to being able to relax is to have, so far as your child will let you, a good routine...

controlfreaky2 · 23/01/2007 13:57

do you have any helpful friends / family members? do you go to any mother and baby groups / activities... all these problems become much more manageable if you have a bit of support kutil and people to share problems with.... keep posting!

controlfreaky2 · 23/01/2007 13:58

do you have anyone to look after ds for you while you do something for yourself? regukar exercise is a reslly good way of destressing.

JustUsTwo · 23/01/2007 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

kutilputil · 23/01/2007 14:09

yes sunnysideup...i do not have a set routine...well come to think of it..i used to before and we worked really well and now its a bit pear shaped...and so...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
yes i get what you mean....but sometimes you feel so lazy you just want to sit and watch telly or chat online and the time flies and things just get rearranged..like now he is sleeping still and will wake round 3 and lunch round 3.30pm....and so on...and then the evening meal gets delayed....and then he moans all night....and needs breastmilk to sleep....how do i put a structure to this mess?

OP posts:

Aloha · 23/01/2007 14:11

Well, don't give him his lunch when he wakes. Give him a snack and then tea at 4.30pm or 5pm (but DON'T PANIC if he doesn't eat it ) then milk and maybe a banana later on for supper or something, then bed at normal time. Tomorrow wake him at 7ish, and go from there. It's not a huge problem. Some children really, really need a routine to make them happy. Ds was like this, dd isn't.

Aloha · 23/01/2007 14:12

Or wake him up early - by three at the very latest. Ideally 2.30. Then give him a small meal and some milk to tide him over until tea.

sunnysideup · 23/01/2007 14:28

Aloha is right, don't give a full lunch, just a snack, then you can give dinner at the normal time....it's always possible to get largely back on track even if the day seems to have gone pear shaped.

If your ds is like mine and many others, don't let him sleep past 3, and then you will be able to get him to bed at a normal time.

If you want my idea of what might help, I think he probably would thrive if he gets up at around the same time each day whether that's 6, 7 or 8am....if as you say he has a breastfeed in the morning, don't expect him to eat a huge breakfast; a small breakfast and a snack mid-morning, followed by his lunch at 12ish or 1ish, then I would try him for a nap pretty much straight after lunch so that he is content enough to sleep....again, a small snack when he wakes, then dinner at whatever time you like 4, 5 or 6pm.....I'd always allow plenty of time for a bath and bedtime stories even at this age, as it's good winding down time for him and you......

Obviously I'm only suggesting a basic structure but it's one that worked for me and saved me having too many of those days where as you say everything goes pear shaped....

one major plus for me was that a regular daytime nap gave me time alone to get my sanity back, clear the decks, make dinner ready for later (or sit and watch telly!) I became very attached to my routine as it gave me time to myself in the day.....

Enid · 23/01/2007 14:31

do you think you might be a bit depressed? The anger, the aimlessness about your day..? Just a thought.

sunnysideup · 23/01/2007 14:38

good point enid, also worth getting a blood test to check for thyroid - underactive thyroid developed for me after ds was born and I think after childbirth is a trigger time for thyroid stuff.....being depressed and feeling so tired that you feel lazy and can't get things done can be signs of underactive thyroid.....

Original poster

kutilputil · 23/01/2007 14:43

he doesnt sleep till about 10.30 or 11 pm...sometimes 12!i dont put him to sleep early as im awake, hubby has to go bed early for early start and son needs to slowly wind down to sleep and so makes it impossible for hubby to sleep...and it goes on!as for feeding him...is a banana really enough for him at this age?...i know i need to buckle up my act for my own sanity but everytime i try to get him to sleep early...he goes to sleep but two hours in and he is awake again....how do i keep him asleep?

OP posts:

saf1 · 23/01/2007 14:49

Hi there I've just read your posting and I'm really worried about you.

As a professional I agree with every bit of advice that everyone has given you but I think you might need to make an appointment with your GP or health visitor.
You could be suffering with post natal depression but it could be something else.

Your anger and frustration is completly understandable but I'm also hearing that you are asking for help.

You've managed to make a post here so maybe you need to talk with helath visitor about exactly how you are feeling before the situation escalates.

I am also a mum of 2 dd and know how you are feeling which is why I have made the suggestions that I have,

Hope this helps

good luck

Aloha · 23/01/2007 14:52

I was suggesting the banana as a snack with milk to tide him over. But why on earth is he going to bed so late! I really don't understand. He can't need five hours to wind down.
Agree about the possible depression etc.

sunnysideup · 23/01/2007 14:52

well, sorry but your husband needs to sleep less than your ds does, he's a big boy and your ds is a little one! Forget if it's inconvenient to your dh and work on getting your ds to bed earlier. Your ds is the one who needs the sleep for his growth and development, and your days will be so much EASIER; dealing with a child who has had enough sleep is 99% easier than dealing with a child who is sleep deprived.

If he wakes 2 hours later, don't worry, that's normal for lots of people, it's a case of keeping the lights off, keeping him in his room; it's still bedtime....when ds did this he was inconsolable if we left him, so I ended up sitting in his room quietly while he dropped off again....

Original poster

kutilputil · 23/01/2007 15:09

hi saf1...can it be postnatal depression this later on?its been a year since he was born....and as for depression...i dont feel i am but my anxieties remain even if i talk to the hv....they always fob you off with some explanation that seems fine when you are there and then...its useless....

OP posts:

Jessajam · 23/01/2007 15:17

Info on PND here and you could self-test using the system the HV shoudl use to assess you \link{http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/40002172/ here\this}

Regardless of bed time, how many hours sleep does ds get overnight? DS is a late bedtime baby too, but sleeps 10-12 hours through.

Jessajam · 23/01/2007 15:18

trying again

kels666 · 23/01/2007 15:23

Throw the spoon in the bin!! At the age of one my dd point blank refused to be spoon fed. Put out some toast, banana, bits of cheese etc, and read a book / watch TV (in other words completely ignore him, whilst keeping an eye on him) I would suggest leaving the room, but I guess he's a bit young for that. Good luck

Original poster

kutilputil · 23/01/2007 15:41

hi jessajam...he sleeps for about 12 hours at night and then two hour long to hour n a half long naps in the day...but his night sleep is broken..not solid...and he wakes crying or moaning and i put the boob in asap to stop him from going on and waking....lazy i know but what do i do...does he need a nappy change in the middle of the night...is it too many grapes in the day?what the bloomin hell is it?

OP posts:

Aloha · 23/01/2007 16:42

So he wakes at 11 or 12? And you give him breakfast then?

Tryn2hrd · 23/01/2007 17:05

Hi,
Just read your post and it brings back memories for me as I felt this way. PND can lie undetected but there can be a million reasons as to why you feel the way you do. You can also check yourself online by doing the Edinburgh Test. I agree on getting your thyroid checked or bloods for iron levels. Are you eating and sleeping well yourself? A routine is not only good for your lo but also for your own sanity, espec on those lazy days when you cant get moving. Have a chat with your HV who can give you info on setting a routine and also on discipline techniques (not just for lo but can help you realise that your Ds is not working against you). Does you lo refuse everything or more solid food (ie does he not like chewing?) DO NOT BLAME yourself as this will only make you feel worse. Do you eat at the same time as him? I found that I had to sit with DD every time to get her to eat a mouthfull. On my bad days I have to prepare lunch 1hr in advance so I can relax myself so DD was relaxed. You won't feel like this forever as you have already taken the first steps in recognising you have issues and are asking for advice .

Original poster

kutilputil · 24/01/2007 23:52

hi, thanks to all that have tried to shed light on this issue...today was a good day..maybe because it snowed and my son behaved in order to get his 1st experience!he had almost all of his breakfast, early lunch, a good snack, fruits in between, plenty of breasmilk and then early supper and bed!WOW....but that could also be because i was in a better mood!i do need professional advice...but can i not get that anywhere else except doctors who push you out everytime with other patient excuses and my hv who is a delirious hippy who doesnt know whether she is comming or going!you guys have been far more enlightening in these few days than my hv in a year!also i have just realised that my son seems unwell, maybe he played up because he was not feeling too good?!anyway...any more msgs on this will be more than appreciated!thankyou

OP posts:

Aloha · 24/01/2007 23:55

Yup, it is always worth considering if a small child (or adult!) is tired or unwell or thirsty or hungry when they start to behave unreasonable. Glad you had a better day today. Have you actually tried your GP? They aren't all bad.

Sakura · 25/01/2007 00:09

Hi Kutilputil,
I cant pretend to know about feeding a child because my DD is only 4 months. But I do know a lot about this kind of comment "ITs my deficiency as a person that is making the situation worse" (see the My mother has cut me out of her life thread) First of all that is not true-nobody is deficient as a person, especially someone who is caring about what their child eats. You may have low self esteem. This is no reflection on your character. In a sense its a kind of depression, and that means its something that can be overcome. Just take steps to feel better by having excercise, putting plants and flowers around the house, meeting up with a friend. Anything that can help you lift your spirits. It wont help your baby eat more easily, but it will help you get the problem into perspective

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