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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

so scared of bugs she wet herself.

27 replies

misdee · 01/06/2004 07:42

dd1 has always been wary of bugs. she doesnt like them on car windows, tells me to make sure there are none in the bath, in her bedroom etc.

last night (about midnight) she got up to go to the loo. she started screaming and crying about a spider. before i could get to the bathroom (iwas in a deep sleep) she had wet herself. she was standing right next to the toilet, and i couldnt find a spider in the bathroom at all.

how can i help her with this fear. i have tried explaining that all bugs have a purpose (like spiders catch flies, bees make honey etc) but she just think they are going to hurt her. she is 4yrs old.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

agy · 01/06/2004 09:08

I wonder if you could get her a book - like a young child's guide to insects - with pictures. Might work like a mild form of exposure therapy, and even get her interested in them. Sounds like a phobia and they are sooo hard to deal with. Poor little thing!

Soapbox · 01/06/2004 09:34

I have had a spider phobia all my life and really do sympathise with your little girl.

Firstly the phobia itself is irrational - therefore no explanations of what the bugs do etc etc is going to help at all! I know that spiders are not going to help me - eat flies etc but doesn't make my reaction to them any less awful!

The reaction itself is one of pure fear - for me as bad as if an axe murderer was standing over me in bed (I imagine - hasn't happened yet!).

You get an adrenilin rush - the fight or flee reaction, which is totally overwhelming!

I think the best thing you can do is reassure her that you will deal with the bugs as soon as she tells you she has seen one. Calmly remove her from the scene and deal with what ever it is. Don't ever lie about having got rid of something if you haven't - my trust in my poor DF was totally destroyed because he used to tell me lies about having got rid of the spiders! Also no making fun of it - make sure no one in the family thinks its funny to tease her about it (teh physiological reaction is very frightening to a child - tehy cannot understand it either and being made fun of will make them much more sensitive to what ever precipitates the phobic reaction).

What may be worth talking to her about is why some of us have this phobic reaction - you could say that in some parts of the world (but not here) some bugs are poisonous and can be dangerous so some people have leaned how to spot them more easily so that they can warn other people. Say that maybe she is a bit mixed up and think she should have been born in one of those countries - you could turn this into a bit of a joke!!

Once she is a bit older (say 6 or so) I would enrol her in the London Zoo phobia course - its a one day course that is supposed to be very good.

HTH!

Soapbox · 01/06/2004 09:34

opps should say 'hurt me' not 'help me'!

Janh · 01/06/2004 10:41

There may not even have been an actual spider, misdee - just a bit of fluff that looked like a spider - it gets like that with phobias.

The London Zoo phobia course sounds as if it might help when she is older but I really don't know what you can do now...just found this in CBBC news but obviously this child is quite a bit older now.

Will see if I can find anything for younger children.

Janh · 01/06/2004 10:46

This is for adults I think but you could try some of it with dd:

Have you got the Insey Winsey Spider board game? That has black plastic spiders in it...do you think she might be able to play that, knowing they were not real?

Original poster

misdee · 02/06/2004 07:19

thanks. i had to remove a spider yesterday as it was on my bedroom ceiling. she watched me take it away so was ok. i didnt help matters the other week with regards to spiders, as i had left my purse open in the kitchen. when i picked it up a spider crawled out of it, i screamed, more in shock as i wasnt expecting it, but dd thought it was funny that my tough girl act had been broken. (makes a change from having moths fly out my purse when i open it tho)

OP posts:

Fio2 · 02/06/2004 07:21

my daughter is scared of flies (!) I dont know what to do about that one because they just 'fly' dont they?

misdee I would just reassure her that they wont hurt her and try these other techniques

Original poster

misdee · 02/06/2004 07:25

i will try these. may also take her back to the zoo this week to look at the bugs again (as a bomus she gets to see the butterflies too). she loves the way the ants are out in the bug house carrying leaves about etc.

OP posts:

emmatmg · 02/06/2004 07:35

Misdee, I have a childs spider/bug book somewhere that shows how and why the make webs and live etc.....I think it's in the lost so hardly being put to good use.

If you want it for your DD you're very welcome to it. Let me know and I try and find it.

Original poster

misdee · 02/06/2004 07:38

oh thank you. that would be great.

OP posts:

emmatmg · 02/06/2004 07:40

Contact me through the talker thing with your address and I'll get it in the post. DH is on nights this week so it might not be until next week that I can get in the loft but I'll send it ASAP.

mousie · 02/06/2004 08:55

this is kind of on the same track - i am terrified of spiders and am just at the stage of having to confront them in front of my three year old daughter. i obviously don't want her to inherit my phobia - however i just can't deal with them rationally and ignoring them and switching rooms isn't really possible since I then wouldn't be able to go into the room again myself, thus quickly making our house very small. we don't get that many - but spring and autumn always bring in a smattering and I just dread the time we both see a big one together (so far she hasn't seen a large one). help

aloha · 02/06/2004 21:49

I don't mean to be funny but Lakeland do a spider catcher on the end of a very long stick. You don't have to touch the spider or get anywhere near it to catch it and dispose of it (or 'help it find its friends/mummy!).

aloha · 02/06/2004 21:50

I also loathe spiders but ds is incredibly soppy about all living creatures so daren't show him how repelled I am.

cas73 · 02/06/2004 22:39

No suggestions here, as I am absolutely terrified of spiders myself! If I actually see one of those big ones that come out aroung august, I can't settle until dh has caught it and got rid of it (he wouldn't kill it - I, on the other hand, would quite happily kill it, only it's so big, i'm too scared to do even that!!!). Jahn's suggestions sound good, it's just that personally I couldn't even touch the jar with a small spider in it.

I really do hope you somehow sort this out and dd gets over it, cause I've reached the point that I want to flee the country every august/september (I come from somewhere that doesn't have big spiders...)

cas73 · 02/06/2004 22:40

Now everybody will think I am weird....

Ros505 · 03/06/2004 10:25

I had a serious phobia of spiders, dreaded August, would never have gone to Australia etc etc. I managed to just leave the room usually as I really didn't want to pass it on to the children and the first three are fine. When my youngest was about two she was in her baby seat when I pulled down the sun visor to find a massive spider on it, virtually in my face. I couldn't hide my fear and screaming stopped the car and got out fast appealing for help to a passing stranger! This made me decide to go to psycho-therapy and I wish I'd been years before as I now am able to collect even large spiders in a glass and saucer (so proud!) but guess what daughter, now 15 is terrified. I took her to a child therapist a few years ago but she is not ready to confront her fear. When she's a bit older I'm sure she'll go, meanwhile she checks her bedding every night etc etc as I did... You don't have to put up with phobias - get help!

mousie · 03/06/2004 16:51

ok so where did you do this therapy? I know london zoo do a spider therapy course but the thought just terrifies me - don't believe i could manage it. but august approaches and i need an answer soon...

Maxster · 03/06/2004 21:21

Is it only spiders she is scared of or is it all bugs? The Green Gardener's website do a Fab butterfly garden. It comes with 5 caterpillars which you watch grow and change into butterflies.They grow really quickly and the whole transformation only takes about 4 weeks. Best of all they come in a plastic tub so you don't have to touch them you just look through the window. I think it's also available from Hawkins Bazaar and Amazon but the green gardener was cheapest. he also does a ladybird garden.

gothicmama · 03/06/2004 21:28

greengardener

Original poster

misdee · 03/06/2004 21:30

she is fine with 'pretty' bugs. loves the butterfly house at the zoo, will watch worms and ladybirds. but if it has too many legs or flys too fast with a buzzing noise she will scream, tears pour down her face, and will freeze.

OP posts:

gothicmama · 03/06/2004 21:32

ooh have you tried watching spider on cbeebies i thinkit's in caroyt club section dd now lieks spiders adn we sing incy wincy spider anything to gain her sympathy for or make aspider less scarey may work

Ros505 · 03/06/2004 21:56

I mentioned it to my GP and was referred to a psychologist which meant it was free. But I live in the Channel Islands so don't know about NHS but I think it is one of the most common phobias they deal with and the order of approach working up from photos through dead ones with the phobic always feeling in control is pretty standard. I went for half an hour every Weds morning for maybe 4 months. Personally that level of progress was about right for me. Good luck!

Original poster

misdee · 03/06/2004 23:09

she is fine with cartoons (spider in the bath is a fave here), fine with toy spiders etc, as long as its fake its ok. if its real then she gets scared.

OP posts:

eddm · 03/06/2004 23:28

Misdee, really sorry your poor dd was so frightened. Advice here looks good. Just wanted to add that my sister used to have a very severe spider phobia (to the point of being hysterical) but the good news is she did manage to overcome it and now manages to get rid of spiders quite calmly. In fact she had to remove the spiders for her last boyf as he was more scared than she is! No magic bullet, she just worked it out herself, but hope it is good to know that it doesn't have to be permanent. PS advice about making sure no-one thinks it is funny or makes her feel bad by dismissing her fear is spot-on.

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