question for mums of 'gentle' toddlers

[strangerthanfiction]

Hi, this will probably sound a bit neurotic. My dd is 19 months and is a very gentle soul. I mean she doesn't do rough-and-tumble type stuff, plays very quietly, has a quiet voice and is rather serious and independent. This is all absolutely fine but it does worry me when I see her trying to cope with other kids the same age and older. I take her to a few playgroups and she invariable gets knocked over constantly, has everything she's playing with ripped out of her hands or destroyed. Sometimes she gets very upset and just buries her head in my lap, others she's more stoic and just stands there looking confused and a bit wide-eyed. The thing is that at some point I'd quite like her to go to nursery and I just don't know how a child of her temperament will fit in or if she'll just have a really miserable time. I have to say I'm not saying my dd's an angel and all the others are monsters, they're not, they're lovely kids but are just more boisterous and out-going than dd. When I'm in this kind of situation with her I try to leave her to fend for herself as much as I can but I actually find it rather painful. She's also very small andl ight for her age and this of course brings out all my protective instincts.

I really hope I don't sound like a stupid old mother hen with this message. Any advice gratefully received.

aloha's put my concerns really well and I can't really add to what she's said. The situations that frustrate me at dd's playgroup are very similar to the kind of thing that happened to her ds. And like aloha, I'm not into chastising the aggressive child or forcing an apology I just want to know that the mom's are around and bothered about what their kids are up to, for their own kids' safety as much as others. And as I already said, I would never take for granted why a particular child was behaving in a particular way, i.e. I wouldn't rule out autism or ADHD etc.

I think we may have to agree to disagree about the position of being victim or perpetrator, Jimjams, because although you say your ds has fairly quickly got over his various encounters when he's been on the receiving end, if you read back over what I've said about dd, she doesn't just pick herself up and get on with things. She's clearly affected, upset, and remembers what's happened that's hurt her.

I've come to realise that, dinosaur, from what other people have said. This has been a very useful thread for me in that respect as I don't feel so nervous about dd going to nursery as I used to.

She is!

Thanks Pamina. It's good to know I'm not alone! It's also important to differentiate between the kind of 'attack', i.e. the ones aloha and I are describing and Jimjams experience. They're actually quite different.

strangerthanfiction. My dd was very tiny when she was that age and also quiet. I did worry about how she would cope, but she did. She is now 9, still small for her age and gets remarks about her size in junior school But she copes with it all. She is quiet and still shy at times but her confidence is growing. I found that she had more inner confidence than some of the extrovert children. In fact, the others ask for her help when they are arguing and she is a kind peacemaker a lot of the time.

Be glad your dd is independent as well. My dd has always been able to play on her own and enjoy her own company. A vital skill when they get older and don't always have someone around to play with. She'll get more able to cope at playgroup etc.

I often think other mothers just let their children do anything, when it is really their behaviour that is unacceptable and not your dds.
Hope this helps. I'm so glad my daughter has a lovely personality. She is also very good at gymnastics - a haven for small people !!

I had an unpleasant experience earlier today when taking my ds's to a soft-play centre. Ds1 is usually a fairly gentle soul but will only tolerate so much. A little girl of about 2yrs old was rugby-tackling him on a bouncy castle and he was great with her. They were giggling away and when it got too much for him ds1 just walked away and played with something else. Meanwhile an older boy of about 5yrs old appeared and started attacking the little girl. He was hitting the poor little mite around the head. I got to her at the same time as the girl's mum did. Meanwhile the boy had moved on to ds2 and hit him over the head with a toy pram. He knew exactly what he was doing because he sneakily looked round to see where his mum was first. His mother's responded by laughing and saying, "Don't do that to babies, X." The boy then cornered ds1 in a playhouse and obviously thought he would be another easy target. Instead ds1 gave as good as he got and the other boy was in tears. This time the mother rushed over to her 'little darling' and said "Did that nasty boy hurt you?" What can you do???

Urg ... Coppertop, that would have really got on my nerves. How did you respond?

Thanks for your post Walnuttree. I already think dd does have quite a reserve of 'inner strength' which I'm really grateful for. But I have decided to keep her away from playgroup for a short time as the recent events have had an effect on her. I live in a tall block of flats and usually whenever someone else gets in the lift, be they adult or child, she's always been very friendly but this last few days she's fine if it's an adult but hides behind my legs or asks me to pick her up if it's a child. I really hope this will pass.

Strangerthanfiction

How wise to keep your child away from nursery if she is not happy. In the grand scheme of things, what do a few months matter ? You know your daughter best.

I found Libby Purves' (of Radio 4 'Midweek' etc fame) book "Nature's Masterpiece" , published by Coronet, very good when I had doubts about my parenting. She kept her daughter back from nursery and describes it in "Nursery Tales". Think she survived fine and so did the daughter ! I've found it a comforting and encouraging book. Sometimes it's better to read books if you don't agree with other Mums or friends !!

All the best

Walnuttree

My ds goes and sits with the babies when it all gets a bit overwhelming for him at Mums and Toddlers. There he is, sitting peacefully in the middle of a circle of bemused babies, looking at his books! I think they do eventually find their own safe havens, but it is a shame that some mothers do abdicate responsibility for their kids.
'Nasty boy' indeed! ooh, I would have seen red, I really would.

Well, we had a similar experience again yesterday. Same place, different child. This was a boy of about 7 who kept following ds1 around and saying nasty things to him. Of course ds1 didn't have a clue what he was on about and kept walking off. I had a feeling that the boy would try something else and spent the next 10 minutes standing about 2ft away from them. Eventually the mother started to wonder what I was doing and looked up just in time to see the little brat punch ds1. Again ds1 punched him back hard. The boy got a telling-off this time. I feel as though I should be warning future bullies that ds1 is NOT a soft target. He doesn't feel much pain (his body is hyposensitive) so you'll hurt your hand more than you'll ever hurt HIM. And by the way, when he punches you, it bl**dy well hurts! So far they're learning this lesson the hard way.

Thanks Walnuttree, I'll look out for that book, I read her 'how not to be a perfect mother' when dd was newborn and it made me hoot with laughter at times. Others it really annoyed me as I found her not being perfect a bit too perfect if that makes sense?

LOL aloha. Dd does that too, goes for the little ones and strokes their heads, feeds them their milk and becomes a proper little mother!

Coppertop, that sounds awful. I had another experience too. It was especially awful as it was with a friend of mine and her little girl who's 6 months older than dd but more than twice her size. Dd was leaning backwards against a soft chair looking up at the ceiling which she seems to like doing and my friend's daughter started charging at her body really hard with her elbows. My friend thought it was hilarious and I felt very embarrassed to know what to do as i like my friend and her dd a lot. So I started sort of 'protecting' dd's body with my arm while it was going on. Then dd suddenly, brilliantly, retaliated! She pushed friend's dd away, pulled herself up to sitting on the chair and then when friend's dd charged again she kicked her off with her feet, then climbed onto my knee and said very definitely 'go, mamma, home.' So we left! My friend looked very bemused but was then comforting her dd saying 'oh, poor X, doesn't X want to play with you?'

Anyway we all parted on good terms with no-one the worst for wear. But it was a particularly tricky situation to deal with.

You just feel like giving the mother a good shake and saying, "Why don't you stop your child??"
I also hate the way the gentler little souls have to resort to violence to protect themselves.

Oh, I hate that too. It was kind of good and kind of awful to see dd behave like that. But I have to say it was a pretty 'gentle' kind of violence! Actually what I liked about her most today was the way she just removed herself from the situation that was happening with as much dignity as a 19 month old could expect to have!

Awww bless!

From now on "dd" will stand for "dignified daughter".

Yes, I like that Coppertop.

It's incredibly reassuring to me to know that she'll have the strength of character to 'remove' herself from 'danger' when she has to. Hopefully it won't make her too wary of other toddlers.

Thanks for your thoughts Batters. I totally agree with you about learning the difference between the way boys and girls play, though I've found some boys are actually more gentle than some of the girls dd has encountered. Like you, I have absolutely nothing against boisterousness, it's normal and about energy and enthusiasm. What bothers me is when it turns into something in which a child might get hurt, be that emotionally or physically AND when the parent of the 'agressor' of the hurt is uninterested about what's happening. If there's one thing I've learnt so far about being a mom, it's that you can never judge another parent or another child for that matter, you never know what's going on and what's normal / not normal. But you do know about the safety of your own child and you have to put your focus into that above all else.

Your dd sounds very bright and confident to speak to that other girls dad like that!

my dd is 3 now and has started o stick up for herself more now I found helping here to know what to do in situations has helped we role played different situations safely at home this seems to have helped. I felt the same as you tho when she younger

Yes, gothicmama, that role-playing stuff has worked very well with dd. I've been getting her to do all sorts of little scenarios with her big teddy who's almost her size. She now does a good 'gerroff!!' when teddy's annoying her and she pushes him away. Maybe that's what helped her the other day. it's not like I'm teaching her boxing or anything, just helping her to learn she can say no and tell someone to stop doing something she doesn't like.

I think that is all we can do just give them as much help to do this and also to believe in themselves