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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is it ok to send a 7 year old to bed without any dinner as a punishment?

42 replies

Dunravin · 25/05/2004 00:21

I did this for the first time this week. I hated it, but really needed to make a point.

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KateandtheGirls · 25/05/2004 00:35

Hmm, I don't know. What did he/she do? They say that the punishment/consequences should be related to the misdeed, so that it has some meaning. So if he, I don't know, threw his dinner on the floor or something then it would be appropriate.

Of course that's all very well theoretically. If you were just at the end of your tether and needed a strong way to get across the point that you were not happy with his behaviour, even if that behaviour wasn't related to eating, then fair enough!

Original poster

Dunravin · 25/05/2004 00:46

His swimming instructor came to me at the end of his lesson and said she didn't want to teach him anymore, he was too disruptive. Your idea brings to mind some interesting headlines." Mother dunks seven year old at local baths! " Oh, I feel better already, thanks.

OP posts:

ChicPea · 25/05/2004 02:31

It's all very well giving advice to another mum after the event and the heat of the moment has passed. However, I would agree with KateandtheGirls, had he thrown his dinner on the floor or had a screaming fit at what you had prepared, it's related and I think appropriate, ie, "don't eat it then...".
As you are trying to make a point, why not take away something that he enjoys which is a treat, ie cinema on Saturday afternoon, pocket money, can't go to friend's house for a week/two weeks? Depriving him of something that is not a luxury, ie eating supper, is not what I would do. (Don't mean to sound mean to a mum who no doubt is doing a great job and I don't know what it's like to have a seven year old - yet). Let us know if the punishment worked!!

marialuisa · 25/05/2004 08:39

I think I would have given him supper, but mainly because i'm always extra ravenous post-swimming!

Is his behaviour a problem elsewhere? If so maybe you could try removing privileges (as Chicpea suggests) and let him earn them back?

As one-off, end of your tether I'm sure it won't do any harm.

Cam · 25/05/2004 08:54

I would have let the swimming teacher's punishment of not wanting to teach him anymore be the only punishment. Maybe he doesn't like swimming lessons?

Rhubarb · 25/05/2004 09:44

I agree, I wouldn't withhold food from a child. Is swimming the only lesson he's disruptive in? And what does the teacher class as disruptive? If he's normally well-behaved, perhaps it's a case of the teacher and him not getting on. Either way I would have said that a heart-to-heart with him was better than punishing him. What if he's being bullied during these lessons?

Hope you and him have patched things up now.

Twinkie · 25/05/2004 09:57

I wouldn't purely because food is to me a neccessity and not something that can be witheld at all - treats yes but basic food no - even prisoners get the right to eat for goodness sake - I think using food as a treat or punishment sets a bad precident and makes it an issue rather than a basic human need!!

dinosaur · 25/05/2004 10:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Heathcliffscathy · 25/05/2004 10:05

not sure relating food to punishment (and reward) is ever a good thing tbh. having said that we all do stuff that isn't a good idea at the time when we are at the end...

Demented · 25/05/2004 12:54

I wouldn't withhold food either but I have sent DS1 to his room with a sandwich for dinner and strict instructions to get ready for bed as soon as he has finished eating as his behaviour doesn't merit sitting with the rest of the family. I think this has only been done once and seems to have a good effect even if it just gets him on his way to bed quicker and he has extra sleep which is usually the cause of his bad behaviour IMO.

suedonim · 25/05/2004 13:03

No, I don't think it is okay to withhold food, a necessity of life, as a punishment. It might mean that food issues turn into a power struggle and that is not good, ime. Hope you've managed to sort out your differences by now!

Easy · 25/05/2004 13:12

Sorry Dunravin no, I think it was a prty horid thing to do. I can see it as a knee jerk reaction to a sudden outburst (and I'd probably have sneaked in with a sandwich and a discussion of what caused the behaviour later anyway).

But as a thought-out punishment it seems, well frankly, pretty cruel (sorry, but you did ask). and only likely to cause more problems later anyway. A hungry child is unlikely to sleep well, so how would you have felt getting a disrupted nights sleep? Or finding him raiding the fridge at midnight?

No, not acceptable in my view.

noddy5 · 25/05/2004 13:15

no, but we are all different and I bet you were upset more than he was

littlemissbossy · 25/05/2004 13:19

No sorry, I don't think withholding food to make a point is a good idea. BTW as a child I was very frightened of water and hated my weekly swimming lessons so much that I would do everything I could to avoid them (my parents gave in at the end). Still learnt to swim eventually though.

ChicPea · 25/05/2004 23:16

Are you okay Dunravin? I have just read the messages and you might be feeling bad about the whole situation. Rhubarb and Cam have raised an interesting point or two...

fairyprincess · 25/05/2004 23:50

Go and give him a big hug even if it wakes him up- hope all is better now.

tigermoth · 25/05/2004 23:54

Without knowing more, it's difficult to make sweeping statements here, I feel.

Like demented, I have occasionally sent my oldest son to bed with a sandwich for supper - enough food so he is not hungry, but no treats. Also, if my son won't eat a supper I know he usually likes (ie he is being difficult) I offer bread and butter as an alternative. As my son has a large appetite, loves food, and is certainly no lightweight, I have at times said no to his requests for food between meals - even healthy stuff like sandwiches. And that's not when I have been at all upset with him.

My son had a bad time with his swimming teacher and it did get to me. In our case the blame was on both sides. However, I found the whole thing very upsetting - I sacrificed much time and energy taking him and collecting him from swimming, and kept drumming into him how important it was for him to learn. It's not like learning a musical instrument - learning to swim has important safely implications. I got really frustrated with him for messing around. In fact, the whole thing got to me so much that when my son had grommits fitted, I used that as a convenient excuse to stop swimming lessons. My son is very happy with that decision. He can swim a bit but not really enough. so we will have to go back to it.

Dunravin, I don't know how keen your son is on learning to swim. I don't know how your son usually behaves with his teachers. I don't know how good the swimming teacher is - my son had a temporary seimming teacher who was awful, insulted me and lied to me about my son's bad behaviour (I even started a thread on mumsnet about it). Her version of events was later refuted by other adult witnesses.

I do know that if you hated depriving your son of his supper, and did it this once in the heat of the moment, that certainly does not make you a bad mother.

essbee · 26/05/2004 00:16

Message withdrawn

Ghosty · 26/05/2004 03:02

I personally wouldn't withold food from my DS however naughty he had been (and believe me he is pretty impossible at the moment)
But I would withold other things - I have taken him home 5 minutes after arriving at someone's house to play before now, he has been banned from watching telly, no treats etc etc.
I am sure there are alternatives to sending him to bed without dinner ... but then I don't know the situation that you are in Dunravin and you could be at the end of your tether ...

nightowl · 26/05/2004 03:21

i wouldnt withold food but i would maybe take away computer games or tv privilages until the behaviour improved. im lucky in that ive never had to but ds is still quite young and im sure theres plenty of time for bad behaviour yet! when i was younger, the only punishment i would respond to was "being grounded"...if i couldnt see my friends i would do anything to get back in my moms good books again!

robinw · 26/05/2004 06:32

message withdrawn

ReallyHip · 26/05/2004 20:21

Hi Dunravin. Just joined in so you have probably had your fill. I remind myself everyday that none of us is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all do things differently and on the whole our kids will all survive. Heaven knows my mum did things I wouldn't dream of doing to my own but we all love her, respect her and are normal (apart from one sister) well adjusted adults!

Love your child, set some rules, accept they will be broken and always be ready for a kiss a cuddle and a sorry (on both sides).

Hope all's well.

Cavy · 26/05/2004 20:26

I did it once, with my eldest, when he was... only 4yo? Had had an especially uncooperative day, and repeatedly warned him if he didn't start cooperating I would send him to bed without any supper... I was so angry I might have sent him to bed without water, too, but DH persuaded me to relent at least on the water front.

So I don't think it's so horrid... but it hasn't felt like the right thing to do since, either.

clary · 27/05/2004 00:06

Dunravin, I think everyone is being really honest here which is good. But I also think that reading the responses might be upsetting for you. I'm not sure what I think about this - cannot disentangle it from knowing you are one of the best and most loving mums I know. I feel strongly that swimming lessons are vital as (as Tigermoth says) it's a safety issue, not like gym classes or french lessons. And children must learn to behave. You had to do something. That's not much help is it? I've never done it but that certainly doesn't mean I won't (and I'm sure I've done much worse)

Lara2 · 27/05/2004 19:42

Sorry Dunravin, I think it wasn't the right thing to do. Some things are a right, not a treat and supper is one of them. Perhaps no TV or denying him something else, Playstation, for that day would have been appropriate. There must be a reason why he was so disruptive - are the lessons boring? Or just not his thing? What did he say when you asked him why he behaved like this?

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