Nearly 4 year old girl won't listen to/look at me

[Boomerwang]

It's driving me nuts. Making me lose my temper. We're going through potty training (two weeks, very slow going) so my nerves are already a bit jangled. My problem is that she won't listen to me or do anything I say without a fight about it. For instance after doing her wee on the potty and me being excited and happy about it for her sake, she tried to pick up the potty to empty it. Past experience has taught me she throws it all over the place in the bathroom so I asked her to leave it. She ignored me so I stopped her hands and asked her again to leave it. She went for it again so the third time I said 'LEAVE IT' and unbelievably she tried to pick it up AGAIN. This is just an example of many similar situations, but this is the latest one that actually made me completely lose it. I screamed 'JUST LEAVE IT ALONE!' and took her wrist and led her to the sofa out of the way (jerk, no, pull, yes) where she pulled that unhappy fish face and said sorry.

I used to think it was because of distractions like the TV being on so she wasn't paying attention, but this one was clearly not about that. It's as though she can't understand what I'm saying, or can't link what I'm saying to what she is doing.

She doesn't have any other obvious developmental problems (she's behind with everything by about 6 months, but the progress is at a seemingly normal rate)

Before I ask or tell her anything I ask her to look at me. That's another one I'm having problems with. I have to say it several times while she's playing with some toy or other. When I get her to look at me I say something then I ask her to repeat it back to me. She can't say a word of it. For instance, I say 'when you need a wee, tell mummy'. Then I say 'what do you do when you need a wee?' and she can't tell me...

How can I effectively get her attention, make her listen and understand what I want from her? I'm getting so frustrated that I don't want to even bother asking/telling her things any more, I just want to pick her up and plop her down somewhere because it's so much easier in the short term...

My DS didn't walk till 16 months. It is late. And it turned out to be related to his ASD / dyspraxia.

Say to the GP that she doesn't make eye contact. You're not sure if she understands what you say. She's behind on her developmental milestones.

There's are four stages in communication: hearing what's said, processing what is said, formulating a response, saying the response. For whatever reason, your DD has difficulty in one or more of those areas.

One thing to try is reducing the language you use. So rather than saying "Beth, can you go and find your shoes and put them on because we need to go and get some food from the shops", you say "Beth, put your shoes on". If that doesn't work, you say "Beth, shoes". If that doesn't work, find the shoes, put them in front of her and say "Bath, shoes".

By reducing the language you're giving her a better chance to process your instruction.

I wouldn't want to judge about developmental delay, but as far as the potty is concerned, is she using it in the bathroom? If she does spill can't you clear up together?

Whatever else is going on, making a big bond of contention like that is not going to help things. She's trying to sort herself out which is a great sign for potty training.

Asd presents very differently in girls than boys and often goes undiagnosed for a long time. Probably a paediatrician would be a good place to start as they can look at the whole child and decide which assessments would be appropriate, if any. Good luck

Rather than using a potty (which at almost 4 she could be a bit big for), could she use the toilet perhaps with a training seat & a step?
Sorry, I know this isn't exactly what you asked for, but I have no advice about the general, development question.

Hi

ChalkHearts the eye contact thing is only when I'm trying to get her attention. At any other time she has no problem looking at me.

When she says 'mummy' I always say 'yes darling?', even if I'm talking with someone else (yes, I know it's annoying when adults do that, I'm conditioning myself slowly) and I think deep down it's because I wanted her to do the same for me. God knows why I thought she'd connect the two at her age.

The potty is in the living room and up until now she's been using that as her primary point because it's an all singing and dancing one and she needed the encouragement whilst I wanted to know when it had happened. Today she took herself to the potty several times without saying a word or having an accident. She also ran to the normal toilet in her grandmother's house when she realised she needed a number 2 (after two days of farting and me watching her like a hawk because of it). She managed to use that easily with the same step stool that I have in my bathroom.

Because of her progress I'm going to save the potty as an emergency port and get her to start accepting the main toilet as the place to go. Bit awkward at the moment because the step isn't quite high enough for her to sit down on the seat properly. Can't figure out a safe method of raising it just yet.

I tell her to remain seated and use the tissue to wipe herself but she has never once done so. It seems she needs many days of repetition for some things, and just once for others.

I spoke with her father today. He feels there's nothing wrong at all, just that she is ignorant.

Previous visits to the children's doctor where I've raised concerns about any of her developmental progress always ended in 'she's fine - she's at the low end of the scale but still on it).

Should I be waiting until she's of school age before raising any more concerns?

What age do you start school in Sweden?

If you're coping I don't think there's any harm in waiting. By then you may be confident she's fine, or your niggling worries may have got bigger.

Here they start school around 6-7.

Example today where I'm not sure if it was ME who wasn't able to deal with the situation properly or definitely her not listening?

I put her in the car but she got off her booster and moved it to the middle, saying she wanted to sit there. I told her she can't sit there as there isn't a seat belt. She grabbed a seat belt from the end seat. I told her that she couldn't use that seatbelt as it wasn't for the middle seat. There is a middle seatbelt but it's one of those across the lap ones. There's no support for her body. Anyway, I dragged her booster back to the end seat. In a fit of defiance she sat in the middle. I let it go and said 'fine' but then she wanted the booster put there. That would have been more dangerous than without, since it would raise her even higher without a chest supporting seatbelt, and it's bad enough not having one. I asked if she wanted to sit in the front with me instead, to remove this argument completely. Nope. She eventually sat in her booster properly on an end seat.

I was struggling between explaining the problem and just shouting at her because I knew she was too young to understand such things and I couldn't simply strap her down.

I'm starting to wonder if it's me with the problem of not being able to convey a message properly, but then I remember her habit of completely ignoring me when I'm simply saying her name, right next to her ear. When she does this several times, I clap my hands and she jumps and says 'huh?' to me.

She has NO problem with the whole 'mummy mummy mummy look at meeeeeee' thing. I haven't the heart to ignore her back as I know she wouldn't get it.

Can I ask if you always let it go? I really don't think it is right that a child dictates where they sit in car.

I know with children you have to pick your battles but car safety isn't one of them.

Do you think she knows she can push you to get what she wants?

You sound like a great mum but possibly a bit too nice. Having said that I am no expert in this area and there may be underlying issues that are beyond your control.

Can I stress I am not saying you are a bad parent but the example of the car seat when she wins is a definite no no.

I have a very, erm, determined 5 year old DD myself. It is difficult not to lose it sometimes. Here's what I have found to work (some has been trial and error, some from books or advice off here).

-Stay as calm as you possibly can. My DD seems to enjoy the drama of a shouting match.
-Say her name loudly and slowly once and get her to look at you before any instruction. If she doesn't respond, touch her, say her name, say 'look at me.' Not crossly, just very, very clearly.
-give the instruction as simply as possible. If she makes no move to do so, start to count down from 5. eg 'put your shoes on. Shoes on. What have I asked you to do? Shoes. 5. 4. If I get to 1 and you don't have your shoes on, X will happen (I sometimes say 'there will be a consequence' if I can't think one up. She knows what consequence means because I've told her! It's a set list of things). Then follow through with the consequence.

I have found she'll usually do it by the time I get to 3 now. Things to remember:

• she has to do it, she doesn't have to like doing it. If she complains, ignore, as long as she's doing it.
• pick your battles for sure, but some things are not up for discussion. Safety is one. You can say 'this is a safety issue I will not change my mind'. That's as much for you as it is her! However if DD doesn't want to wear her school uniform, for example, I don't mind as it's not compulsory. But if you really need her to do something you have to really and truly within yourself KNOW you are not going to change your mind. That means asking yourself if it's really worth sticking to your guns about (emptying the potty herself? She wants to help - help her help. Sitting unsafely in the car. No. Uh-uh. Absolutely not.

Hope that helps. It is not easy I know.

I don't think she is ignoring you.
.I would at least get her hearing checked.

Ignorant I don't think it's that.

Ignorant?!

He sounds like he's the ones who's ignorant.

As for your daughter are you bringing her up bilingual by any chance if you're not in the U.K.?

You say she's ignoring you - next time she appears not to be hearing try saying something like 'DD - would you like some chocolate?' - my dcs would suddenly regain their hearing if I said something like that.

One of mine was like that at that age - i did get her hearing tested and it was assessed as 'within normal range'. After the test she said 'sometimes I hear you mummy, but I don't feel like replying' aarrggh!

Hi again.

I left a detail out that swayed my decision to 'let it go' over the middle seat, and that was the distance we would travel with her in the car was about 500 metres, all at 30km/h in a built up area next to a school... only reason for taking the car at all was I needed to go somewhere straight after. Anything else and she'd be able to sit and sob after I belted her up in the booster chair.

I've been told a lot that I talk too much to her. I say too many words. I backtrack out loud. There is a chance that I confuse her :s I remind myself of this and start again with short sentences. This doesn't explain her refusal to look at me when I'm simply saying her name and asking her to look at me.

Sorry about the ASD being a mental health issue comment. I've never thought about it before, but now that I have I realise it isn't MH.

My daughter is bilingual, but she can perfectly translate sentences herself and automatically switches language based on the one used to talk to her.

Perhaps I need to really think about the words I'm using. The more I ask her to do things for herself, the more I need to consider whether she understands what I'm asking her to do... hmm

Please go and get an assessment. I'm with fango that you need to check for autism. DS was diagnosed yesterday and its not the worst thing. Far better to know what the problem is and address it head on then sit there and pretend everything is ok. You know things are right. The doctor was crystal clear that both DH and I need to change our approach.

I'm not a doctor but as a parent who has spent the last year seeing therapists and specialists a lot of what you have put are red flags for autism. You can bury your head in the sand and go blue in the face with frustration because you can't get your DC to 'get' things or you can use that frustration to go get help from professionals trained to diagnose and help make a difficult situation better. I hope you follow the latter approach.

I'm in the US and the doctors here have directed me the Autism speaks website. It is very helpful for me at least.

You know things are right should be 'You know things are not right.'

Your daughter sounds similar to my son at that age. He had very poor receptive language skills. Diagnosed by a speech therapist.

I would get her hearing checked ASAP. Given that she had problems with that before it is the most likely.

I definitely woildn't wait until she starts school / nursery as you could get behaviour problems eg. My sons lack of understanding meant if he was playing with say a car and some came along and said "Can I see the car?" and then lifted it he wouldn't have got what they said. Then he would have reacted to what he saw as someone just taking his car of him.

If your Dd needs help / support when she starts school you need to start the process long before she goes to school.

IME talking to NT kids is not immensely hard work. I didn't realise parenting DD and getting her attention were so hard at the time as she was my first. Now I see people shouting from a distance to a toddler and the toddler turning round I realise how different it was.

Sorry you are going through this

My friends dd is as you describe.
She's finally in the process of being checked developmentally. The school picked up that she wasn't progressing , doesn't listen & is generally uninterested. She can also be very defiant & school first thought it was a discipline issue. She doesn't seem to like seeing other children laughing & having fun, she gets very cross & tries to break them up. She has a language delay too. You have to say her name several times before she'll turn to you & even then it takes her an age to reply .
It doesn't help that she's extremely close (to the point of it being weird & exclusive of other grandchildren) to her grandmother who is an ex child health nurse & has insisted for years there's nothing wrong
Mum & dad finally accepting something not right after school picked it up, at the moment they still don't know but veering between oppositional defiance disorder/processing disorder/hearing problems. It's stressful for them but hopefully she'll get the help she needs now.
Good luck op you sound such a lovely mum

OP receptive language difficulties are really common in ASD but they are also really common with a history of glue ear or other hearing problem.

ASD is difficult to diagnose it involved detailed assessments.

At this stage you need to rule out hearing problems and get a receptive language assessment it is still a big leap to ASD from there. Thats my opinion and Dd has ASD and Ds is undergoing assessment.