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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

"I hate you mummy, you're the worst mummy ever"

31 replies

rhubarbcat · 19/12/2006 18:44

My DD is 5 going on 15 and her temper is going from bad to worse. Thankfully she is very well behaved at school and childminders and she is good when I take her out shopping or to a restaurant.

However she is very naughty towards me (not as bad with her dad), and I just can't think why she is been like this with me. My mum reckons she is naughty with me as she feels comfortable with me and knows she can push me away without me actually goig anywhere????

Every morning when I go in her room she screams at me to go away and that she is not getting up. She shouldn't be tired as she's had 11 hours asleep. So I tell her she can have 5 mism and then go back and get her, she has normally calmed down when I go back. But the hatred when she screams at me is very intense, often door slamming and stomping about as well!

When I pick her up from te childminders she often screams, or hides. She's happy once she's home but seems to be peeed off that I'm disturbing her tv watching/playing. I can understand that, but I'm not prepared to be hit/have things thrown at me like the other day. After this last (worst) time I took her home and talked to her about how upset/sad she'd made me and gt her to say sorry. 5 minutes later she threw a book at me "for looking at her" - so she went on the naughty step for 5 mins. Afterwards I talked to her about how I wasn't really a horrible mummy, and talked through all the nice things I do with her, how much I loved her - I thought we'd made a connection and it was cuddles all round.

Today she was late coming out the classroom and I could see her running about in her vest in the room after the other kids were out. So went in and she went beserk infront of the teacher - screaming, biting ,throwing things, chucked herself on the floor. It was sooooo embarrasing - I tried talkign and in the end picked her under my arm and marched out with her - all the mums in the playground watching.

Is this normal? I'm getting very worried! What can I do - talking and naughty steps don't seem to be helping. God knows what she'll be like when she's a teenager!!!!!

OP posts:

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Scootergirl · 19/12/2006 18:59

You poor thing! I have no practical advice to offer but just wanted to send sympathy and hope someone else might be able to help.
My DD is 3 and has the odd episode which tires me out so you must be getting to the end of your rope!
They do say that toddlers are naughtiest with the people they love the most because they want to know just how far they can push them so maybe it's an extension of that?
On the bright side, maybe she's getting it all out now and she'll be a lovely teenager...

wombat2 · 19/12/2006 19:04

Hi rhubarbcat

I haven't got a lot of tips for you, but wanted to sympathise as my 7 year old dd is quite like this too at times. I have been trying to be firm and sticking to my guns for what seems like years! It's often like having a teenager in the house.

My dd is grumpy if woken up in the morning and is certainly in a better mood if she wakes up on her own. I guess this is fairly normal but the aggressive response maybe is not- my dd was exactly the same the other morning screaming "Go away" at me! I just left her alone and shortly after she emerged fine.

My partner's theory is that it is to do with 'low blood sugar' - ie being hungry and tired leading to angry and aggressive behaviour. She certainly seems to be better if she has regular meals/snacks and doesn't get too tired.

Not sure this is much help, but you are not alone! I am dreading the real teenage years too!

NotQuiteCockney · 19/12/2006 19:13

I think this is pretty normal, and I think your mum's explanation is right. Much as we take our annoyances out on our DHs/DPs, because we can, kids take out their annoyances on whatever parent is around the most.

My DS1 is a bit like this sometimes. I try to not worry much about the words (I annoy him, I'm a dreadful mother, etc etc), but I would fuss if he hit me or threw things at me.

kid · 19/12/2006 19:23

DS sometimes tells me he hates me, he also tells me I am nasty!
When he does it, I just tell him that I still love him and I carry on with whatever I was doing. He then realises he isn't getting a reaction and goes off to play or something. He is 4.8.

sunnysideup · 19/12/2006 19:52

totally normal I think! Your mum is right, she's basically letting off steam with you; and I think that's understandable, she's only five and she is a good girl at school, for her childminder, and out in public; that's a hell of a lot of effort on her part and she challenges you because you are the SAFE one she can challenge.....there's also little time when a 5 yr old has any control (school, childminder, all environments where she must conform and be 'biddable') so she tries to exert some control at home with you.

Also probably tired, end of a long term; and we're all grumpy sometimes. i think when she is really unacceptable eg hitting then maybe give her a few minutes in her room on her own?.....and pick your battles, if she's grumpy in the morning then be in and out of her room and engage with her as little as possible until she's had time to wake up.

Don't lose heart, keep talking to her nicely and politely so that this grumpiness doesn't escalate and I'm sure that will help.

My DS sometimes tells me he's going to put me in prison, or kill me (sometimes tells me what weapon he will use as well!)

NineUnlikelyTales · 19/12/2006 22:47

On a practical note - if you are having unpleasantness every morning when your DD wakes up, could you try giving her an alarm clock for Christmas and giving her 5 minutes to wake up before you go in to her?

Glitterygookwithchocsonthetree · 19/12/2006 22:54

Has your dd just started reception? Ds1 started reception last year and in the first term was extremely stroppy with me and he used to come out of the classroom head down and then hit me - I think it was just adjusting to a new environment etc as he just went back to his normal happy self after a while.

kid · 19/12/2006 22:56

DS was really miserable after starting nursery full-time as he was exhausted by hometime.
He also learnt lots of new words, his favourite for a long time was 'poo poo head', he has since grown out of that one.

Original poster

rhubarbcat · 20/12/2006 09:00

She's in Yr1, so we've had the reception tiredness stroppy stage!

OP posts:

elliedragon · 20/12/2006 09:17

When I read this heading, it could have been me writing it. My ds said exactly the same to me yesterday. He is going through a very nasty stage at the moment and just behaves like I am the child and he is the grown up. He will not listen to anything I say and it certainly gets you down. He is apparently a little angel at school and no one at the school gates can believe he is horrible which does not make me feel any better as it is obviously just me. I am hoping it is just a stage, they are tired due to the end of term and that over christmas when we can spend more time together things will improve.

missingmywine · 20/12/2006 09:27

Hi Rhubarbcat - ditto here! My DD1 is just 5 also in year 1 and if often just basically really really horrible to me. Most times I can do the 'I am the adult approach' and deal with it accordingly but sometimes I just loose it - especially if its the 'you don't love me, you like DD2 more than me' and huffing & puffing, slamming doors and growling! V horrible and upsetting. I know she gets v tired at school and like your DD gets 11hrs a night (yes please!!)- currently trying the 'over praising the good and ignoring the bad'. Just to let you know you are not alone!

Glitterygookwithchocsonthetree · 20/12/2006 09:38

Could she just be exhausted from the long first term back? I know mine are all shattered, although it's particularly ds2 who is 4 and is now doing morning and afternoon nursery which he's never done before. His behaviour is dreadful at the moment but I do think he is just shattered.

jellyhead · 20/12/2006 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bugsy2 · 20/12/2006 10:15

I always laugh when my children tell me they hate me. Usually means they are very tired and have to do something they don't really want to do. I just laugh in a nice way & say "Well, that's a shame because you're stuck with me"!
If DS has got to the screaming at me, throwing things at me stage, it means he is no longer able to control any of his emotions & it is definitely time for bed. He only ever does this when he is horribly over-tired. I usually have to man handle him up the stairs in a very undignified manner & then by the time I've wrestled him into bed thrashing & screaming he usually bursts into tears and then falls asleep.
I wouldn't worry too much rhubcat - a break over the Christmas holidays is probably just what she needs.

oliveoil · 20/12/2006 10:18

Is this Rhubarb the Oldhamer? If yes, could she be playing up a bit as you have done a big move recently (ish)?

My two are always worse with me than anyone else and I have been told the same as you, in that they know they can push you more.

I don't have any advice as I am struggling with mine.

donnie · 20/12/2006 10:27

you are definitely not alone! my dd aged 5 often says and does similar things.

batters · 20/12/2006 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tomps · 03/01/2007 20:05

Oh god, Rhubarbcat, mine too. From first thing in the morning some days - yes I recognise that ! Thank goodness dp was home tonight to do bath and bed, I didn't even want to look at dd after really horrible behaviour after first day back at school. She really seems to save it all up for me, and I just feel lousy because I don't seem to be in control or helping her to behave better as this is still going on. I really don't know what to do.

knakered · 10/01/2007 00:02

Just read this thread 9 out of 10 seem to be GIRLS!!...my 5 year old can come out with the most outrageous stuff....I hate you, I want to kill you and your baby (that was a classic when I was pregnant)..you ugly ogre...the she said no you are an ugly fat ogre....again a mouse at school but vicious at home. I have a bit of a problem with "ignoring the bad philosophy"...as I think that these kind of verbals are really bad behaviour...I try to get an apology and try to say but I love you etc...I have 2 boys also and they have NEVER used this emotional blackmail stuff on me

stoppinattwo · 10/01/2007 13:02

Mine is the same, she is 5. I get "what are you staring at"

"I hate you and i am leaving", to which i reply, "oh no does that mean you'll be looking for another mummy then, what will i do with your lovely room if you go somewhere else"

Then as quick as the evil side is there it is gone again, she is the most loving and generous person i know.

Their emotions are soo vulnerable, and they are constantly bombarded from all angles with different behaviours. My DD is very much "treat me how you want me to treat you" and she does say what she thinks....ok it needs a little tailoring but i think that the acutual strength of character that they show is something to be cultivated in the right way for later life.

.......oooh this is all a bit to deep for lunchtime. Rhubarbcat my sympathies are with you, be firm and fair, and above all when they have a meltdown, much as you want to laugh at their furious little faces, dont or it will be a whole world of hurt "Dont you laugh at meeeeeeeee!!!"

fluffybunny167 · 12/01/2007 22:33

hello every1 it is true GIRLS are terrible i have 2 girls 5 n 10 both going on 50 i think1s nearly through puberty,shes always saying she hates us typical KEVIN and the other thinks she is the only 1 in the house, yer we all have our own things to do but we do have fun when they want to take part which isnt as often as id like my 5 year old often says she wishes she was dead, when she came out with that 3 weeks before xmas i went to toilet an cried
came out an had a chat with her she thought no 1 loved her but im always telling them both that we love them just the same,dad has to work to get them nice things for b-days xmas etc both are allergic to E numbers so theres lots of things they cant have except parties i let them otherwise they both basically bounce off each other or the walls

fees · 11/03/2007 22:48

I have a son who can be so lovely very sensitive and kind most of the time but lately when he doesnt get his own way he tells me he hates me he gets into such rages over the simplest of things just this morning the butter on his toast hadnt melted as he likes it and he refused to eat it said he hated me that i was a fat ugly awful woman i feel i am doing everything wrong i take his comments to heart and often find myself raising my voice back to him that he is selfish and ungrateful this seems to make it worse but if i ignore him it also make it worse he once told me he wished i was dead, i am struggling what to do he is breaking my heart it is really getting me down - would love to hear where i am going wrong

TwirlyN · 15/03/2007 10:11

Fees, i haven't got any answers i'm afraid, wish i had. I think, reading other threads, we are not on our own here. I'm still beating myself up, and can't stop thinking about my ds 5. it really kicked off this morning. DS1 5 was teaching DS2 3 to get dressed by himslf. I'd left a hoodie out for DS2, which he couldn't pull over his head, so I helped. DS1 hated me, was leaving, all the usual verbal bashing mums take. I listened, when he stopped, i told him i loved him, didn't want him to go and wrapped my arms around him and pulled him onto the bed, laughing to give him a great big cuddle/hug. DS1 grabbed my neck and pushed down on my throat so hard. (he's the size of a 7/8 year old). I had to be heavy handed with him, to push him off. I then burst into tears infront of him. God, i'm crap. this was followed by more tears by DS1. I yelled at him, never ever to do that to anyone ever again, (still sobbing), he calmed down, we hugged, kissed, told him over and over that i love him. then had to send him packing to school. I was so worried about him, will it affect his day at school, will he be ok. ohhhhh arrghhhh. all over a stupid hoodie that i helped DS2 put on.

sunnysideup · 15/03/2007 10:38

fees and twirly, REALLY don't take it to heart, I think many many kids say this sort of thing, my ds who is four, certainly does; told me to get out of the car and get run over the other day! It's just verbal letting off steam, it means nothing.

You do have to ignore it; I say to ds "I don't stay here to be talked to like that" and then go to another room. Make it clear you don't accept being talked to like that but ignore it from then. And don't believe they mean it for one second, don't take it to heart, don't get upset, because then you can remain calm. It's not real, it's just a release for them. You are the centre of their universe, they mean not a word of it.

TwirlyN · 15/03/2007 10:49

ssup thanks. calm, calm. how about the physical attack then, how should i have handled it, yes i realise now, i was wrong by sitting and listening to him letting off steam. You're right, leave the room. it's just that now i feel like we have crossed a line and gone physical, or maybe it was a one off. i hope so.I still feel very sad for DS1

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