Whole list of mad questions - please can experienced mums help?! :)

[Nervouswithnewborn]

Hello! Baby boy four weeks tomorrow and all well so far including regular night feeding meaning am exhausted esp as for some reason cannot sleep when he sleeps in the day as feel too much adrenalin still! Sleep deprivation making me bit nuts and got some questions that wouldn't want to bother gp with but don't know where else to take as none of my other mum friends from nct out and about yet, dh at work and dm lovely but gets worries if thinks I am worried. Any help here would be great!!! So - crying - quite often seems impossible to work out issue. Does have bad gas and got infacol but so much worse some times than others and seems to get in rage about it where can't feed and then afterwards feeds desperately as if had been prevented from doing so, will push breast away one moment then grab on for dear life the next - sound normal? Also, will sleep in crib or anywhere in day but only on me or next to me in bed on our mattress not even in sleepyhead at night - ang ideas what can do about this or if it even matters? Is also obsessed with complicated wallpaper, ceiling and lights and shadows. Once or twice has started deep in my eyes which was lovely but when tried to do that again has looked away or closed eyes - seems to prefer my mum and dh who both wear glasses. Does all this sound ok? Not sure what really worried about just nervous all the time and quite teary!!! Thanks for your support!!!!

All absolutely normal. Babies can't focus well and often look at sharp 'edges' of objects which is why they tend to focus on glasses or hair or something seemingly random.
They do cry a lot and you can't always comfort them. 6 weeks is supposed to be peak time for unexplained crying and it gets better from then on.

With the sleeping, also normal. You could try swaddling if you want to try to get him to sleep alone, or look up guidelines on safe co-sleeping.

Thank you!!!! Need to toughen up a bit I think, just can't beat him seeming sad or unhappy at all, need to get a grip it's just the saddest sound ever and makes me feel like worst ever mother!

Yes, absolutely normal. Glasses will be interesting as they reflect light, and wallpaper, ceiling lights etc will be interesting shapes for him. He might have colic which does get worse in the evening and sometimes no amount of jiggling helps. Some baby massage might help calm him, or mine liked loud music and dancing around. Mine was the same re sleeping next to me at night, I think perhaps when we sleep we give off some kind of sleepy hormone or scent which babies find comforting and want to be near. Totally up to you if you are happy to co-sleep or want to start popping him into his own bed. A worn nighty or t-shirt on his mattress can help. The hardest but most effective thing to do is relax and trust your instincts. I'm sure you are doing a great job.

Oh sweetheart- everything seems so much worse when you're not getting enough sleep.

1. the feeding- do you have a bf support group or counsellor that can check his latch? Just to make sure its going down OK.
2. wind/crying- all sound normal I'm afraid. Some babies just cry more than others. Is it 'normal' crying? My first cried all the time a lot, but on occasion her crying sounded different, so then we saw GP, and she had infection (ear). Do you have a sling/ baby carrier so you can move around and do stuff even if he won't be put down? Do you have a partner that can take a turn, so you can have a bit of a breather/rest before going back into the fray?
3. babies look at things, they love to do it, looking away just means they're tired (they have a lot to process, the world is always new for them) and want to to rest/ process what they've seen. Glasses are shiny, so they attract attention that's all. I bet if you've a quiet moment (haha?!) and you say his name to him, he turns to where your voice is coming from, because he knows it from in the womb. Keep going, it gets better, really it does.

Thank you all!! He doesn't turn really when I say his name but does if his father comes into the room talking... Am worried that he knows am anxious or something and doesn't really like my company which I know sounds crazy but does seem much happier and calmer with my
Mum and his dad when he's here which isn't much now unfortunately as back at work and hours insane x

They don't want to look at mummy that's boring they see you all day! Honestly all normal, you will look back and wished you'd have chilled out a bit more!

It's the novelty of dad.

And he probably seems calmer because everything is calmer when it's one baby and two adults. More hands. More cuddles. More chatting. It's just nicer when you're both home.

Doesn't mean he's sad or anything. Totally normal.

I agree about the BFING group, have a google and see if there's one near you.

Sleeping on/near you is what nature intended. Sleeping away from you is a cultural norm in our society. Where you want to aim for is up to you / your baby! We chose co-sleeping, much easier in our particular circumstances. What works for you / your baby? What does your gut say?

Gut actually pro cosleeping :) been to bf groups and v v helpful, is good suggestion! Latch ok is more his attitude to it sometimes that worries me. One of the women thought I had quite a fast letdown which might stress him out a bit. Xx

A fast let down can kind of panic them a bit! I had that with my first. They get better at coping with it quite fast if that turns out to be the issue

He sounds very normal.
I remember that age feeling quite difficult and I remember feeling much like you do - I was anxious about a lot of little things.
Remember you are still getting to know your baby. And he is still taking everything in - absolutely everything is new to him. You're both learning from each other, and a lot of things such as sleep and unexplained crying I found to be trial and error. After a few weeks you will begin to pick up on subtle cues he gives and have a better idea of what he wants.

As a pp said, look up some safe co sleeping guidelines and try to get some bf support, just to reassure yourself.

Try not to worry too much, you sound like you're doing a great job. Before you know it he'll be smiling away at you and looking at you all the time, and that makes you feel a lot better believe me

I've got to be honest - nc for this as wasn't sure if could be fully honest - I don't always feel I love him and I'm scared that's the problem. My mum does and I can tell my dh does and I feel so close and protective of him but so overwhelmed and scared I've harmed him with anxiety I had in pregnancy, sometimes feels so wonderful and then other times so overwhelmed with guilt and fear and responsibility, this isn't normal is it?

Oh sweetheart, you sound just like I felt with my eldest. Your concern for him shines out of your posts, you do love him its just very bound up with anxiety for him at present. It might be worth considering whether the symptoms of postnatal depression ring any bells for you - if so there are anti-depressants you can take while still breastfeeding. But also sleep deprivation makes everything so much harder.

What you are feeling is very, very common.

Not feeling 'in love with' your firstborn is really, really, really common at this stage. You obviously do love him - that's what the close and protective feelings are. But often the shell shock of motherhood and the chaos of hormones and the everything else is just too much.

It's easy for a grandma or a dad to be 'in love' with the baby. They aren't at the coal face every minute of every day. Their world and their body haven't been (almost literally!) turned inside out. Your husband goes off to work and his day is basically the same - he has a lot of 'old normal' to cling to.

I didn't feel madly in love with my first baby. It was something that grew over time. If you search the archives here, I am far from unusual. More people seem to get those feelings with later babies (though not necessarily). With my second and third I did get that 'whomp' in the heart and instant love. I adore them all now!

The thing none of us can tell through a computer screen is whether what you are feeling is just all of that stuff, or whether you might be tending towards post natal depression, or an anxiety disorder of another kind. If you are, there is no shame in that and it won't hurt your baby. But you do need to talk to someone to find out.

If you do feel distant, do you know what I found amazing - babies can't tell how you feel! As long as you are behaving as a loving mother, they don't care! And other loving adults around really helps too. Mother nature is very, very smart - you can fake it until you make it with absolutely no ill effects!!

But do talk to your HV (or midwives, if you are still under them) if you think it might be PND.

And to add, newborn babies are HARD. It is physically and emotionally absolutely draining. It gets so much better as they get older.

God yes, that crushing combination of exhausting, confusing and dull! Tiny babies are super hard. (Can you tell that, despite three kids, I'm not a baby person . Toddlers, now toddlers I love).

You can tell from your posts that you do love him OP. The responsibIlity can just be so overwhelming it can cloud everything else.
I'm struggling to find the right words but Libraries excellent post has basically said what I was thinking.
Not always feeling like you love him is fairly normal I think. When it's 3am and they're cluster feeding and you just want to sleep - at times I felt like I didn't love DS i don't think it's difficult to feel some resentment towards them especially when you're feeling crap. But you carry on because you do love them.
You might find these feelings have lifted after a few weeks but if they don't then make sure you speak to someone, GP or HV. Have you spoken to your DH or your mum about how you feel? It sometimes helps just to say it.

That all sounds perfectly normal. My DS's crying was worst at about 5-6 weeks. Do talk to someone about your anxiety though x

Thank you all so much. Will speak to hv now at the weigh in clinic about all this, thank you. Do you think the eye contact is normal then? Some NHS thing I read said by four weeks they should be smiling and making eye contact but others say six to eight? Xxxxx

Don't read those lists if you are an anxious person. I reckon most kids do at least half of it 'late' and another quarter stupidly 'early'

I've never heard 4 weeks for smiling, usually 6, but it's only a guideline. DS smiled at 6 weeks, but DD was a fair bit later, I forget now how much now, but she's certainly got a cheeky grin these days!

The most important thing to worry about now, is finding a way to make the practicalities work for you and your baby as much as possible, in the way that best suits you.

Sleep deprivation is a bugger. Please take your own needs seriously (easier said than done sometimes I know!). Can you carve out some time in the evening maybe when your DP could have the baby and you get a nap?

4 weeks for smiling is very early IME, I'm sure some babies do but I've never personally known a baby to smile so early. DS didn't start til 6 or 7 weeks.
Keep doing what you're doing OP, talk to him a lot smile at him etc. he will eventually start to copy you and respond to you. Every baby's different and if he takes a bit longer try not to worry, you're not doing anything wrong.

Thank you all so much - hv so reassuring. Shouldn't expect eye contact it smiles til six to eight weeks, good tips on wind and generally v kind as are all of you!!! Thank you!!!! Now for as calm an evening as we can manage! Xxxx

God, I'd forgotten what it's like to have a newborn. You're post has brought it all back. I had the exact same experience re. the sleeping (only on me), crying and alternately wanting the boob and pushing it away.

I had a very enthusiastic let-down too, so I imagine that's the problem here. Could you maybe express a little before feeding?

As for the sleeping on you thing - I had some success when I realised that it was the change in temperature / closeness that woke up my dd when i transferred her to cot. I found that if you can manage to get them into a gro bag before they drop off, this temperature change is mitigated when you put them down.

I hope you feel better just knowing that all this stuff is completely and utterly normal (and they grow out of it in a couple of months).