DD's bad behavior at school - Attention seeking or bi-polar?

[Charltonangel]

DD was 4 in August and started primary school in September. We were a bit worried about her starting school as she had displayed some bad behavior at nursery - hitting, wetting herself, occasionally biting. DH and I worked together and with her, to try and address the issues and things improved dramatically.

So her first parent's evening came round just before half term and the story isn't great. Essentially, she can't stand not being the centre of attention. If a teacher asks a question and she isn't called on to answer it, she shouts the answer out, or gets cross with the child who is chosen to answer. She pinches or kisses (!) children in assembly. She then answers back to teachers - when they call her out on her behavior, she tells them "No i didn't do [whatever it is they've just witnessed her doing]". Today it came to a head when she called one of the teachers a bitch in front of the class and the head called us in

She is not an angel at home but her behaviour is never as extreme as it seems to be at school - by and large I don't have any problems with her. My husband thinks she may have some kind of behavioural or mental health issue, whereas I think it's attention seeking.

Either way - what can we do? She's only four - I don't want her to be the naughty kid

Well she's unlikely to be bi polar as that usually doesn't present until adolescence afaik. But she could be reacting badly to sensory overload - the presence of so many other people, sounds etc might over stimulate her and cause her to react uncontrollably.

What did the teacher advise you to do?

Bipolar??? She sounds as if she's behaving badly at the moment but a major mental health diagnosis wouldn't be my first thought!

Yes, what have the school suggested or asked for?

She sounds as if she has limited impulse control - which may be sure to her age, or may be due to a more complicated issue (not bipolar though - she's too young to be diagnosed with that).

As she's already having problems at school already it would be worth asking for a referal for an assessment (depending on your area this might be with CAMHS or the child development centre).

If school are having problems & you're not it's hard for you to do much other than support their strategies (if they're sensible). It sounds as if she is struggling with the environment.

I always recommend the challenging child by Stanley Greenspan / it can give some useful insights

My main concern would be that she has called her teacher a bitch at the age of 4

*Due to her age, not sure!

No one aged 4 is bipolar. Mental illness at that age is very obvious - although it may be hard to know what illness it is. It's tragic to see.

It's worth clarifying to DH that mental illness is not the same as bad behaviour, and given DD is exhibiting signs only of bad behaviour, I fear you and he may already have your answer. Work on her manners, and be grateful nothing worse is wrong.

Thanks, I didn't think so eithe, DH is if he mindset where he likes things that are easy to categorise! The school have told us we need to work with the school to have a consistent approach and that we should have a meeting to discuss tactics, but when I called the school I was told someone would call back and no one has.

Mine, too, Funnys

How is wetting herself a behaviour problem?

You don't have a problem with her but your DH and the school do? Is this partly about different expectations?

X post.
Are you consistent at home? How do you deal with bad behaviour?

Funnys yes, I was pretty upset by that too - have no idea where she picked the word up and think she may be repeating what she's heard others say and not exactly sure what she's actually saying. Apologies to anyone that feels I've been treating mental health fluppantly with this post - I'm genuinely worried and your mind starts to play tricks on you in that instance I think.

Corygal, if you have any specific advice about how to work on her manners I'd be grateful - obviously what we're doing isn't working.

Wolf irfan: DH and I don't have a problem at home. School does. Wetting herself was a behaviour problem because she was doing it deliberately, we think to get attention. She never does it with us.

Wolfiefan* sorry blooming autocorrect

She's very young. The wetting is not bad behaviour.

How much sleep does she get? Did her preschool prep her for school or was it very play based?

What is the teacher doing to address her settling in to school?

What is she like at home - how do you tackle bad behaviour and do you shout etc at home?

How do you know she was wetting deliberately- does she know if she is allowed to go to the toilet for example?

I quite like wolf irfan!
So you never see bad behaviour at home?
You said she's not an angel.

We threaten to take away priveleges at home if she plays up and reward good behaviour and it seems to work. DH and I are fairly consistent.

So do you think your daughter is actually a well behaved and well brought up girl?

Has anything changed at home or in her immediate environment? DS2 is 5 and I honestly don't think he would have the first idea how to call someone a bitch. He knows plenty of swearwords thanks to his older brother but hasn't a clue how to use them. Have you tried to discipline her at home by taking away toys or restricting screen time etc for bad behaviour at school?

You said she isn't an angel at home..... So is it working? I think taking stuff away is quite punitive and can backfire a bit eg you will only do something if you get something in return.
What do you defines as bad behaviour?

What did the head suggest you do?

No she is definitely not perfect at home but incidents are less regular and we can usually talk her round quickly (with rewards or loss of priveleges as above). At school it seems that once she's started having a bad day at school it goes downhill and she gets more and more disruptive as the day goes on until she's sent to the head.

She gets about 11 hours sleep a night. l

Taking stuff away has always worked for me. I always warn first and then follow though. It works around these parts, although only for a few hours at first and then longer if necessary. I rarely have to do it now, its become a bit like the 'I'll count to 5'. I am a truly lax parent but those few words seem to have so much power

the head suggested we put some strategies in place with her teacher. In our previous meeting I suggested the teacher have some kind of contact book whereby she could put a comment in at the end of the day so we could instigate some kind of reward system for her when she's good but the teacher never writes in it

So the head said she'd be in touch but she hasn't and I haven't been able to get through to her yet