Aibu to buy DS some girl pants?

[Crumpet1]

DS is 5 years old, a happy little boy but does have some suspected special needs. For over a year now he has asked for girl pants, steals my pink pants and has also stolen tights and pants from family and friends at school. I've avoided buying any for him to own because his dad is quite against it and I wasn't sure if it was just a phase that would pass, but now I'm thinking he's going to get caught stealing one day so if I buy him some it might stop him stealing.
I'm just not sure. I always thought I'd be totally cool about this sort of thing but to be honest I'm worried about what other people would say if they found out. The boys in his class would rip him to shreds.

So wwyd?

Just a thought- does he soil himself? Does he steal pants because they are cleaner than his?

What GloGirl said sounds really sensible to me. I've not had to deal with SN but all my 3 boys went through a phase of fascination with female clothes and, in the case of youngest DS, with the whole question of was he happy being a boy or not, at about 6/7. If very definite boundaries are best for your DS, then setting them where GloGirl suggests seems exactly right. We all have to conform in the 'world outside' - including not stealing - but at home you can be yourself and this clearly comforts him and hurts no-one. I reckon, if everyone's just cool with it, it'll stop before too long. Boys come under massive pressure to conform; by the time he's at secondary school he'll be worrying that he can't tie his tie in exactly the same way as his mates.

Ice Being, it's not about people being 'afraid' of girls' clothing, it would be wonderful if people could just wear what they want. Unfortunately, based on my 15 years teaching experience plus 5 working with children in other settings, you really don't want your child to be the one who is 'challenging the stereotypes' at school.

Yes, children will bully anyway and this needs to be dealt with, but IME primary children often target pupils based on a perceived 'difference'. Not right, but it is the reality.

If a child also has ADHD and therefore poor impulse control/ability to cope with teasing, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that you're setting that child up for trouble by dressing them differently/making them stand out even more.

In my ideal world, children would all play happily and accept each others' differences whilst wearing whatever they want/playing however they want. We're a long way from that yet.

Oh, and yes re PP talking about tighter fitting/feel - it may be the feel rather than look he is seeking, in which case high lycra content/cycling shorts/base layer might be a compromise.

Why do people think the answer to bullying is to force all children to conform?

I the answer to bullying is to teach all children to accommodate difference.

But those of us with first-hand experience of parenting children with differences don't need to be the trailblazer for clothing differences as well as every other difference that gets our children bullied, ignored, whispered about and not invited to the birthday parties, etc etc etc.

Pressed send too soon, sorry.

Things like wanting to wear different clothing can be suppressed during school hours. Having no concept of social complexity cannot. So I'd prefer my DS to pick his battles. Maybe others can then pick up the baton of not bullying in the first place?

I'm sorry but there are some red flags for sexual abuse here.

Most likely it's nothing but it would be reckless to ignore some of these worrying signs.

You need to make sure cahms know about every detail of this.

Yes, as a parent the one thing that I could do, that was easy, was to dress my son to 'blend in' at school. All the other stuff, how he interacted, how he spoke/moved, his inability to play ball games, his poor impulse control, were much harder to deal with in school and he was teased/bullied because of them.

Ok it sounds like thete are bigger issues here but with the pants I would be finding out if it's the cut/style or colour he prefers and that can be accommodated.

My dd (4) in receptiin prefers boy pants, the boxer style ones and wanted dinosaur pants so she has the natural history museum ones from m&s and some boys ones that are neon colours and stripes etc.

I would worry about bullying, particularly if you have a child with special needs, I have one with asc. I also have a ten year old who has always loved pink, purple and anything sparkly. It's the school disco tonight, he will wear jeans and a t shirt with a tutu and on Friday it's pajama day for children in need, he will be wearing his pink onsie... He has done stuff like this since he was little. He was the boy in the fairy dress etc, yes we worried about bullying but actually it's never been an issue. At one point he had a tinkerbell scooter, a child asked him why he had a 'girls scoiter' his reply... It's not a girls scooter, it's tinkerbell scooter and I like tinkerbell. Ds3 is def a boy, no issues over his gender identity but he likes pink and purple and dressing up. At ten, almost eleven he is now old enough to know some peoole might have a problem with it and he isn't bothered. We spent time discussing it nd we have always said our kids can be who they want, like what they Want but made them aware that sadly some people may judge. Luckily their school is pretty hot on stuff like that and being inclusive so it hadn't been an issue.

On the basis that I let my daughter wear 'boy' pants I couldn't really stop one of my son's from wearing 'girl' stuff! Of course as his parents we worry about bullies, all parents do but I won't teach my children to cow to bullies. I will talk them,make them aware and let them make the choice and if need be deal with any fall out.

Kids pick up really quickly when something has significance. Hence getting embarrassed. Maybe without explaining try a few approaches to work out the issue.

Great boxers linked above. Or try exciting boys brief pants - favourite character? Or buy expensive high quality boy pants that might feel more comfortable.

At home you could you get some plain short/pants and go all out decorating them, ribbons bows sequins etc? You could join in too! We did this with t-shirts together when my son had a phase of wanting girls ones. We were very glam at the end in a glittery/feathery way. For DS going all out on the glitter/glam was fun and that was all it was about.

Id keep it simple, at school you wear xyz (boys uniform and underwear) but do whatever he likes otherwise.

Don't clear out your pants, let him wear them at home if he wants. It would be putting adult meaning on to childhood innocence otherwise.

I actually think allowing him to wear girls clothes/underwear to school, although seemingly liberal, turns it into a gender issue - because it will be noted as different, no matter how that is dealt with - when at 5 its more likely to be unrelated to gender/sex.

Lightbulb do you mean
'There's been a couple of occasions where he's been trying to get his friends to take their underwear off for him, or him exposing himself.' ?
To me, that sounds well within the bounds of normal behaviour for 5. Fascination with their own/other kids' willies/bottoms/what do girls have etc. Cue for parental talk about private parts.

Why do people think the answer to bullying is to force all children to conform?

If your child is super confident then it's fine for them to go against perceived gender norms.

The OP does not say how confident the child is but if the child has suspected special needs, he may feel different to others and not need extra negative attention.

In my limited experience boys who are confident enough to go against gender norms participate in clubs that are all girls, may have long hair in a ponytail, only play with girls, dress in female clothing on dressing up days or own school bags with a character considered for girls. My son is in y5 and I'd say that they are now at the point when they wouldn't be bothered by the things on that list. (Totally un MN to admit this but the truth)

Underwear is totally different though. A boy wearing girls underwear, (knickers, crop top or training bra) would be talked about by all the children negatively the same way that a man in an office wearing the same would be judged. Sorry but true.

I know you weren't asking about his behaviour but just to add I agree with Oneeyedbloke. Please don't panic about it.

Op, what does he do with the pants and tights when he steals them? Is he wearing them, or is he just hiding them?

How is he managing to steal pants from school? Assuming they're not doing swimming I'd have thought he would have no access to them.
tights, fine, they'll take them off for pe.

"How is he managing to steal pants from school? "

Our recption class has a big bag of spare pants (and other clothes) in case of accidents. Would be easy to take some. It is also pretty typical for small children to "acquire" desirable objects whilst at school. Certainly when I was a parent helper there was a steady stream of toy cars, marbles, pens, counters etc being returned after being found in various pockets.

Yy to only let him wear them at home, although DS 4 went to a Halloween party dressed as a witch and only one DC asked why.

They're surely not just sitting in an open basket in the middle of the classroom, Barbarian? Most infant classes can produce spare clothing on demand but the kids can't just mosey in and help themselves.
Small cars and marbles are a lot easier to slip into your pocket unnoticed.

There is a box of spare clothes in the reception class bathrooms for any accidents, would be very easy for a child to pinch some pants if they so wish.

It's not uncommon for kids this age to pinch bits from.school, they don't realise it's not Ok and are learning. I had a friends little boy who had a thing for buttons and would pinch them. My kids have brought home blue tack! Or stuff like that, always make them return it and it's something they grow out of, but very common in reception..

A sexual thing? At 5? Where do kids get these ideas from so young? I hope you can get this sorted out OP.

In our classroom its in one of those hanging things IKEA sells, in the corner. Easily accessible if anyone is so minded.

As for the 'sexual thing' children can also be interested in their own and each others genitalia in a very 'innocent' way - and find willies, bottoms and foofs hilarious of course. So I'd hope it wasn't as worrying as it sounds above.

Take him to buy his own pants, let him choose what he wants and let him wear them when and where he wants. I really would not set limitations on this. Just let him get on with it. If the stealing stops you know what it was about. If not you have other issues to deal with. But making any kind of fuss about this is more likely to cause issues than just letting him get on with it. If it's a phase it will pass, if it isn't you have done the right thing by letting him express himself however he chooses and just accepting him for who he is. If problems arise at school have a word with the teacher, other kids should not be allowed to ' rip him to shreds' over his choice of underwear, that would be bullying and/or discrimination.

We like these girls 'boy shorts' undies, nice colours but comfy
m.hm.com/gb/product/72277?article=72277-F

Light what do you mean? Him being abused or him being the abuser? I've spoken a few times about anyone going near his privates and he's always seemed very confident about it, I've never picked up any slight hint that this is learned behaviour anyway. We (DH and I) do walk around naked while getting ready for instance but never inappropriately.

I have no idea how he manages to steal them. To be fair he's stolen pants once and tights a couple of times.

Just had a chat with him there and he opened up a bit more saying he just loves the colours and design bless him. He sounds a bit weird written down but he's such a lovely wee boy.

I'm still thinking about what to do but some of you have raised some good points so thank you for your input

Ooh thanks flop! Nice compromise with them still being boxers.