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Original poster

Aibu to buy DS some girl pants?

76 replies

Crumpet1 · 10/11/2015 09:37

DS is 5 years old, a happy little boy but does have some suspected special needs. For over a year now he has asked for girl pants, steals my pink pants and has also stolen tights and pants from family and friends at school. I've avoided buying any for him to own because his dad is quite against it and I wasn't sure if it was just a phase that would pass, but now I'm thinking he's going to get caught stealing one day so if I buy him some it might stop him stealing.
I'm just not sure. I always thought I'd be totally cool about this sort of thing but to be honest I'm worried about what other people would say if they found out. The boys in his class would rip him to shreds.

So wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crumpet1 · 10/11/2015 10:27

I think I will try some more girly boxers and see how he feels about that. I've tried asking why he likes the girl ones but he goes shy and says 'I just like them' and won't go any further. I will also get myself some more plain underwear and throw out the others, I'd been thinking about that this morning anyway as its a pain trying to find his hiding spots for them!

I have addressed his stealing but it is hard to get through to him. I think he has adhd so only bits of conversations go in and consequences have no affect on him.

On the one hand I don't want to repress him, he should be able to be as girly as he likes, especially around me. I want him to feel he can come to me no matter how embarrassing the problem. On the other hand it's a cruel world we live in and he has to be prepared for that.
Who would have thought so much thought could go in to a pair of pants!

OP posts:
tbtc20 · 10/11/2015 10:27

Next

Next

M&S

Floggingmolly · 10/11/2015 10:28

How is he managing to steal pants and tights from the girls at school? Don't the girls notice? Hmm

Original poster
Crumpet1 · 10/11/2015 10:32

lljk tbh I think it's a bit sexual for him. There's been a couple of occasions where he's been trying to get his friends to take their underwear off for him, or him exposing himself.

I have no idea how he manages to sneak them away. It's usually during PE so that he can put them in his PE bag.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 10/11/2015 10:33

Jesus Hmm. You've got a bigger problem than pants

tiktok · 10/11/2015 10:35

Absolutely - this is not really about pants.

Have you spoken to his teacher?

Micah · 10/11/2015 10:37

I'd buy them. Maybe they're softer?

I'd also have a word with his teachers- surely they're aware of him trying to steal, and it might be easier for them to be dealing with any teasing than the thefts.

I also hate this attitude of "oh don't do x, in case they get bullied". Newsflash, bullies will bully. Changing yourself to stop/prevent the bullying never works, it's the bullies behaviour that needs changing.

Get his teacher onside, and get them to have a little class talk on how everyone is different, and you should never be mean to someone because of their choices.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 10/11/2015 10:39

You have much bigger issues going on than the colour of his pants OP.

scatterthenuns · 10/11/2015 10:39

WAYYY bigger issues. The sexual stuff (for want of a better term) needs addressing asap. That is a huge problem, and I'd be very worried about my LO around a child with a flair for such behaviour.

usual · 10/11/2015 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Crumpet1 · 10/11/2015 10:42

I'm well aware of the bigger 'problem' with him and he is under the care of CAHMs but things go very slowly with them. He is a complex little boy!
I didn't want to go in to all of that as we'd be here all day, just wanted to get opinions on the pants.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 10/11/2015 10:44

But op, with all due respect, the pants issue is a minor inconvenience in comparison to the other thing. That is the real problem and I'd be willing to bet the pants thing stems from it.

Original poster
Crumpet1 · 10/11/2015 10:44

Wtf usual?! Is there any need to get personal? If you think I'm trolling feel free to report to MNHQ. You've obviously no idea how hard it is to parent a special needs child and all the issues that come with it that aren't socially acceptable.

OP posts:
scatterthenuns · 10/11/2015 10:45

just wanted to get opinions on the pants.

Well in that case, here is my opinion.

Go ahead, buy him any colour of pants he wants. But I don't think for a second that buying him them will stop he stealing, or any of the other behaviour.

viagrafalls · 10/11/2015 10:49

I know this is AIBU, but I think you are all being a bit hard on the OP.
Buy him some 'girly' pants, talk to him about the stealing and go from there as/when/if it continues. You've already said he's a complex little boy so baby-steps all the way. Good luck!

Original poster
Crumpet1 · 10/11/2015 10:52

Thanks viagra I've already asked for this to be moved before it gets carried away.

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 10/11/2015 10:53

My son has ADHD. He actually needed clearer/stricter boundaries about what was ok or not, and these reinforced 100%. Boundaries such as lying/stealing is never ok, neither is invading someone's personal space when they don't like it. Fuzzy rules/lots of talking about issues doesn't work. Very clear and absolutely consistent parenting. If you give in once, for a child with ADHD that just means they know there's that chance and will keep pushing your buttons until it happens, even if it takes another 99 attempts.

GloGirl · 10/11/2015 10:54

Get him girly pants. Let him roam around at the weekend wearing nothing but girls knickers and socks if he wants.

But teach him that at school he has to wear a uniform and that uniform includes white y-fronts or boxer shorts. Just make it really simple.

AuntieStella · 10/11/2015 11:02

"On the one hand I don't want to repress him"

Yo do need to repress the stealing as a matter of some urgency. It doesn't matter what he covets, he must not steal it.

In your shoes, I would be extremely firm on this. I would however hold out a reward - for example if he gets to (pick date that suits) with no stealing and no whining, then you'll go on a shopping trip for new pants. And remind him that the punishment is for stealing. Next time he wants something like new pants, all he needs to do is ask.

(Girls pants are usually made of much thinner fabric than boys. Perhaps he just prefers that).

IceBeing · 10/11/2015 11:04

why are people so afraid of 'girls' clothing? Why do people think the answer to bullying is to force all children to conform, regardless of the damage it may do to them rather than address the bullying?

Not exactly MNs finest hour.

IMO buy him whatever style clothing he wants - it is him that is wearing it after all....

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 10/11/2015 11:04

Hi all - we're going to move this thread over to Behaviour and Development at the OPs request.

Stompylongnose · 10/11/2015 11:09

Don't let him go to school in girl pants. He will have the piss taken out of him badly.

Find out what he likes about girl pants and see if there's a compromise that can be made. If it's colour then I've definitely seen pink boxers. They are neon pink rather than baby pink but could be a compromise?

puddymuddles · 10/11/2015 11:10

My DD who is 4 and in reception wants blue Thomas the tank engine pants but she likes wearing trousers and is a bit of a tomboy. I would get him the pants though boys who wants girls clothes get teased more than the other way around - but so what? let him try the pants maybe will be fine.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 10/11/2015 11:10

My dais had this problem with nephew, for him it was the feel of the item tights leotards pants are often a much closer fit for girls and he felt secure in them ( has previously had to write notes explaining that he had tights leotard or sisters pants on under school uniform (he's fortunately now in a specialist environment where his needs are better understood).

He still helps himself to pants, tights and leotards!

Stompylongnose · 10/11/2015 11:22

Just read properly and seen that this is not really about pants. I think you need to work out why pants? Does he steal from people he likes? Dislikes? What does he do with the pants when he brings them home?

In Reception, my kids came home with something belonging to the school on a few occasions. They stopped doing it when they saw me returning the items to the school because of the embarrassment of their teacher "knowing".

Other parents might not be so understanding (I'd find it very strange if my child's underwear was stolen more than once) but I'd be asking the teacher to check my son's PE bag. Would your son stop if the teacher checked and found stolen items each time?