Positive parenting for a 13m old - please remind me what I'm supposed to be doing

[baubleweed]

I had sooooo many good intentions. I wasnt going to say no all the time. I was going to babyproof so that dd wasnt constantly grabbing things I didnt want her to have.

But then dd turned out to be the way she is - into absolutely everything - every cupboard, every drawer, every table. She wants to grab, hold and eat everything - shoes, phones, remotes, pens, cats, books, ornaments, pictures on the wall, bins - the lot.

I find myself saying about 30 times a day 'Not in Your Mouth' because she chews books and cardboard and paper and shoes. I have put my foot down regarding books because they are special and not to be destroyed, but when she wants to read one of her board books and then starts to chew it she knows she is doing something I dont like and keeps doing it.

Remotes and phones and ornaments are out of her reach on shelves but she tries to grab them when I am using, or when I am carrying her past them. She wants the pen out of my hand if I so much as write a shopping list or an envelope.
She has started banging heavy toys against the tv screen or against wooden furniture.

So its constant tantrums all the time and I am sick of constantly saying 'ah ah ah ah' or 'no' or 'come away' or 'give that back to mummy'.

Distraction doesnt seem to work - she sees straight through it unless it has real novelty value. Please remind me what I am supposed to be doing to protect my property / her safety but not turn into a nagging negative parent from hell?

Be calm.
Move everything out of reach.
Re-move everything of interest out of drawers (she'll soon get bored)
Put locks on cupboards (Best thing for your sanity, and she'll get bored trying very quickly)
Give her, her own remote control (no batteries) and/or mobile phone (old one).
Ignore every tantrum, just walk away and she'll calm down very quickly.
Give lots of positive attention and praise when she's doing something you want her to do, or just generally being good.

And I think this is the most important one of all. Smile at her. Lots and Lots. Laugh together and have lots of cuddles and quiet times reading, drinking milk, playing in the bath.

My ds is 15 months and I try and do the above with him. Generally he's a lovely little boy, but he has his moments as well!

ok chill get a glass of wine, you are not a negetive parent just because you say no sometimes! we HAVE to say no sometimes! god knows i say it enough every time my 14mth old trys to get in the bin or opens the tv cabinet (i have tried to get locks for it but theres nothing suitable)

My advice is to choose your battles or this is going to be a very long next few years!! (say 17yrs!!) if its not harmful - toxic or little bits she cud choke on, let her put it in her mouth.

i let my dd play with my phone when im not using it (obviously i lock the keypad) and the same with remotes (have you got an old one you don't use?) its just a phase and it won't last forever - think the next phase is prob due to be climbing which is much more scary (for us!!!!) imo so relax and let her enjoy each stage of developement imo.

the less you tell her off for it the less she will do it ime - i actually moved the bin outside for a couple of months because i was sick of saying no - now she doesnt bother with as much (but still annoying when she does bother!)

The banging toys on the tv screen would annoy me, is there any chance you can buy something higher to put it on (i know its a bit extreme but kids like to switch it on and off which is highly annoying so prob best to put it out of the way sooner rather than when you have been driven to distraction with it)

Hi Baubleweed,
I don't have any advice to give, my ds is only 8 months so reading your thread with dread. I have to say the funniest book I read was 'how not to be a perfect mother' (I think the author is Libby Perves?) She says if its not going to harm them let them play with things, she used to let her kids play with clothes pegs, after a few pinched fingers they learnt! It sounds easy but even when my little one plays with keys I worry he is going to poke his eye out!! So I sympathise, all I would say is stop giving yourself a hard time, we constantly worry about being the perfect mother but who is? My theory is if we worry about being perfect, we are probably pretty damn close!!
XXX

not much advice i'm afraid, akthough i second lovemygirls post (especially the choosing your battles bit).

however just so you know your are not alone my dd 16 mths ate a plum today - i presume she found it in the car - problem is the last time she had a plum in the car was about 2 weeks ago . Unfortunately I didn't notice and take it off her until it was mostly gone [oops].

thank you panicpants and lovemygirls your advice is very wise and thank you for taking time to reply

also thanks for the support from katyjo and raggydoll

she does have an old remote and mobile phone to play with but she knows that these arent the real ones and ignores them in favour of the real ones.

yes I do need to chill a bit, because I am boring myself stupid with it

you are right I do need more locks for cupboards but thats going to be bloody annoying in itself because they are cupboards we are in and out of all the time - eg the food ones in the kitchen. unfortunately we dont have the luxury of being able to move everything up a height because we have a small kitchen

today's mischief included:

• repeatedly reaching for the hot tap in the bath even though I have constantly taught her 'hot' as an instruction not to touch
• chucking the toilet roll into the toilet along with some clothes
• braying on the tv screen with a golf ball
• pulling shoes out of the shoe cupboard abd picking mud off the bottom and eating it
• tipping water out of her sippy cup all over the table and carpetted floor into a huge puddle
• chewing books and dvds and the post

its really hard work

does anyone know any really brilliant fail-safe tricks to pull out of the hat to distract from repeated naughtiness?

she sounds rather bored and desperate for your attention. I have two of those except mine are a little bit older! I find certain things do keep them occupied such as baking or play dough and then as soon as I turn my back they are up to no good. I've got gates to try to contain the destuction and at that age I had playpens too, so when I needed to get on I could pop them in there for a little while.
It's an awful phase but it does pass eventually. Now mine are a bit older we have the naughty step which works some of the time, but at 13mnths your dd may not understand it.

That libby purves book is great though, I read that when I had my first.

awww baubleweed

she probably doesn't understand that you actually don't want her to do this. She is not being manupulative, or trying to annoy you. She just sees a reaction and thinks its kind of funny. And she probably wouldn't remember not to do stuff anyway...

You really sound like you're getting stressed. I have a 3 yo and a 17 mo, I do remember what its like! But it is a phase, and quite a short one. She is really still very little.

I think it is fine for you to have possessions that she is not allowed to break. Eg the tb. And it is fine for you to say that she can't do certain things, like eating mud, cos bascially you know more. Positive parenting is not about never saying no, its about instilling good self esteem. Kids want to fit in, they want to do the right thing, they need non-self esteem demolishing, yet honest feedback from us to do this, IMO.

You sound like a lovely mummy who cares a lot about her.

I have a rule in my house. When my kids do something that is especially grumpy-mummy making, I go and have a cup of tea to calm down. I do not play for this time (I don't withdraw affection or attention either), I sit and drink my tea. I do, if need be, make it very clear that I am sitting and drinking tea and atending only to emergency demands. And after, I am calmer.

(have just realised I don't know what postive parenting is. I assumed alfie kohn etc? or is it assertive parenting? ah crap. Sorry. I am hippy cosleeping sort who doesn't use time outs or similar so sorry if this is useless advice)

Sorry baubleweed, but I think this sounds absolutely normal. I don't think it is "naughtiness" either. She is trying to find out about cause and effect, she is exploring things using all her senses, and is learning by copying.

These are all absolutely normal stages of development (I am a nursery teacher).

However frustrating it is, try to keep telling yourself that she is not being deliberately naughty. I agree with all the comments about making sure she is safe, and distracting her whenever possible.

Good first post fillyjonk.

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IME some can be distracted easily and others can't. My DS1 couldnt be distracted at all. DD could be and so can DS2. I know what you mean about the 'old remote' - how do they know its not the real one???!!!

Sounds like she just needs loads of things to do. Large open spaces may be called for? Is she walking yet? I find large fields are good with balls or balloons.

Lovemygirls - they can still dial 999 even when the phone is locked - believe me - I know!!

oh yes

my 17 mo has for some months now gone to fetch the cloth and wiped up after she wees on the floor. ds was similar.

most useful, I find

baubleweed i take it you dont have sky as you did not add the viewing card to your list of things to destroy/hide!

Just wait til she starts climbing up everything- then nothing is safe!

I know, it's really hard work and quite exhausting. You have my sympathy! I had good intentions too but Ds's favourtite word is now 'No no no nooooo'. He's 15 months and says it at everything. Think I must have said it far more than I realised.

Ignoring seems to work best for me (well, for my sanity) unless its dangerous, when I say "No, that's dangerous", move him away and try to distract him. Of course, it leads to a tantrum but that's soon forgotton when he finds something else that he's not meant to do.

Favourtite in our house:
*Climbing up the chairs onto the table (have to move the chairs out when DS is around)
*Removing the covers and sticking his fingers in the sockets

• Throwing clothes into the bath when it's full of water
• Unravelling the shredding the loo roll
• Turning the television on and off and on and off and on and off...

mamama - do we share the same child sounding very familiar...

Your DD sounds great - really active and curious. This is a good thing! (Though I appreciate that a little less of a good thing might be better for your sanity right now!) I can't say it gets better because, well, it doesn't! She will get taller and her reach will become more effective.

DS is 17 mo now so we've had a good few months of this. How to cope: What I do is to ask myself if 1) will it kill him? 2) will it make him seriously ill or injure him badly? 3) will it piss me off beyond belief cleaning up the aftermath and 4) am I happy to still be saying no/pulling him away for the next 3 or so months? If the answer to those is 'no' then I let him get on with it. Including touching the oven door (yes, I taught him 'hot, hot, oww oww oww' too, but sometimes they've just got to learn for themselves). (Beware of 'hot, hot' BTW - if you say that the oven is hot when it isn't on for instance, your DD is likely to not understand what 'hot' actually is, and will experiment in order to find out! i.e. will touch the hot tap!)

Otherwise, I try to prevent where possible, and display no emotion other than boredom where it isn't while removing DS from the scene of the crime.

And I try not to be too hard on myself. OK, so I said 'no' a few times today, at least once when i had to retract because i said it without thinking, but heck! I'm learning too!!!

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lol FillyJonk. DS does that too, only he does it while standing in the pee puddle. He generally slips into it as well. Says "uh oh", gets back up, and starts ineffectually wiping again. It's very cute!

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My 14 month old - nearly 15 months now - has been a horror since he turned one. It's as though he has a death wish. I have caught him eating pieces of satsuma out of the bin that are lying on top of an empty carton that had raw chicken in it that coincidentally also had kitchen towel in it that had been used to mop up his brother's vomit.

I've caught him sucking the toilet brush. The bristle end.

I've caught him draped in soggy used toilet paper over his head.

He has broken and destroyed just about everything we own.

He can move at speeds that seem almost cartoonishly freakish. Seriously, turn your back to put a dish in the sink and voila, he's opened a cupboard and pulled out a serving dish and smashed it to bits - and cut himself in the process.

We don't have our tot loks installed (and please don't even get me started on this subject because it's almost caused divorce in our house - but if DH doesn't do it soon I will kill him in his sleep)

I feel sorry for DS. He is the second child and his older brother (2.9 years) demands attention and can throw bigger wobblies. So the little one just cracks on exploring and destroying things. The minute I try to spend one on one time with the little one, the big one jumps in and ends whatever we're doing.

I am close to insanity. Have given up having even a remotely tidy house. I buy toilet roll in bulk because it's always used as decoration or shoved down the loo (have plumbers on speed dial)

Just know the phase does pass. Others emerge but this does pass. Even now, where a month ago my little one would just ignore me if I said: don't touch the tv. Now he turns and looks at me and smiles and stands there with his finger hovering - just to test me. But he knows he shouldn't be doing it - previously he didnt.

Baby steps mate. Baby steps. (And wine.)

Forgot to say that today I was trying to grill some sausages - one of those pull out grills in a oven. So hot oven, me with a sharp knife in hand separating sausages, and raw sausage meat.

DS decides to grab a) the hot pull out grill. NO i say, hot. b) the sharp knife. NO i say. Sharp. c) raw sausage for his mouth. NO i say. And slapped his hand. Mainly because I was genuinely scared he wasa going to hurt himself but also because I was just fed up.

Felt terrible. He howled. But he didn't try again. Well not during that meal preparation anyway. Tomorrow he will try again.

I should have just locked him out of the kitchen - we have a kiddy gate to block them coming in (it's open plan) but he just stands there howling and the older one can open it and just lets him in.

Banging head on wall.

More wine, JoshandJamie?

Sounds like you need it!

ooh some lovely stories!

we are on dc4 - he is 10mths and walking, so all the horrors of toddlerdom have come early. The older 3 were all 13mths or so before they started really wrecking the house.

ds2's current fave: turning on the electric hobs when I am not looking. The cooker doesn't have a main on/off switch on the wall, so I don't think there is anything I can do.

Like JoshandJamie, warp factor speed is part of it - last night the first thing I knew was an exploding plate on a hob that had mysteriously turned itself to 6, while DH and I were in the kitchen!!!

I am very relaxed on the issue of everything in his mouth... it's good for his immune system after all

That reminds me, DS used to pull the removable glass door out of the top oven. I was terrified he'd drop it on the tiled floor and end up in A&E. And then I thought of using blu-tak as stoppers - you know what? It works! Just don't close the oven door while the oven/grill is on.