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Original poster

Right that's it... I've had enough... Time to call in the MN advice..

58 replies

poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 18:14

DD (6 1/2) is a stroppy mare. Gives me no end of grief. Has endless 'time out', things taken away etc etc. But also, praise and reward for good behaviour blah blah.

She is however, a perfect angel at school or when she goes round other people's houses to play.

BUT: she has a habit of 'showing off'/playing me up in front of people and it makes me really . I don't know how to handle it. I always stand firm and never let her get away with it so to speak but feel like it needs more drastic action but I am at a loss to know what else to do.

What do other people do?

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Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 18:36

anyone???

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BrummieOnTheRun · 04/12/2006 18:41

sounds like she's very smart, and very perceptive of how she's making you feel. good qualities, and she'll go far, but bloody irritating in the meantime! I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions, (mine are too young to be REALLY manipulative) but I'm sure someone will be along soon who can suggest something.

cadeauxbury · 04/12/2006 19:00

Hi Poppies, Haven't any useful advice as I have a 6 year old dd who's heading in the same dierction so I don't know what to suggest. Things being taken away only seems to work when it's something she really was looking forward to IME - ie, going to birthday parties (the threat tends to be enough for those). She does sound like she knows which buttons to press but I'll hang around and see if anyone else has any advice cos I'll need it before long. Sorry

alison222 · 04/12/2006 19:03

My DS hears "Just because there are other adults around doesn't that the rules have achanged" or "shop showing off in front of other adults" a lot. It seems to an extent to calm him down and reminds him that I mean what I say and normal rules applu.
I presume you already do something simialr?
I think they are just testing us in unusual (for them) situations to see if anything has changed.

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 19:13

I don't change my parenting because I have an audience but I feel that what I am doing is not 'strong enough' if thats the right words. She doesnt seem to careless whether she has 'time out' in front of people or not.

The mums at school all stood with mouths gaping literally, the other day, as she came out of school and did one of her 'performances'.

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apsmum · 04/12/2006 19:25

They all try their limits every now and then. The best course would be to let them know that the limits havent been relaxed. I get very very tough with DS if he pushes his luck too much. Dont have any experiences of girls though as he is my only. hope that helps.

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 19:27

what do you mean by 'very very tough'? What do you do?

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HunkerTheInternetPhenomenon · 04/12/2006 19:29

What does she say if you ask her about her behaviour when she's behaving well? Can you have a chat with her about it? Talk about how she's a big girl now, etc. Is she the oldest?

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 19:31

She's the middle of 3

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apsmum · 04/12/2006 19:37

we have a little dark store room near the kitchen that is not used. He knows that he will have to spend time there if he misbehaves. He is scared of the place, and usually just verbal threat is enough. there have been times when he has had time-outs in the room. He does cry and plead and makes me feel absolutely terrible abt doing it. but rules are rules and sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind. He does try his limits now and then, but so far being firm has helped.

HunkerTheInternetPhenomenon · 04/12/2006 19:38

Apsmum, I'm not often shocked on MN (well, I am, but I don't usually post) - but that's Victorian!

BonyM · 04/12/2006 19:41

Umm, agree with Hunker .

Cadeauxmum · 04/12/2006 19:43

I so hope that someone is along shortly with brilliant suggestions because our dd (now 7 1/2) is really awful with me as well. I worry about where this will end if the 'performances' continue in front of other mums because surely they will not want their children to play with such a little madam.
My mum did remind me that given the choice between children that behave best with their parents and are demonic with others or our situiation that ours is preferable. HTH a little...

apsmum · 04/12/2006 19:43

Tranditional, I suppose.even Victorian as u say. I do belive in discpline. DS get all that he could wish for. He get into trouble only when he steps over the line. I think its v imp to make it v clear to ur child what is acceptable and what isnt very early in life.

BonyM · 04/12/2006 19:50

Agreed apsmum - but to scare him? I've never needed to scare my daughter to make her realise what is right and what's wrong,

Thinkstoomuch · 04/12/2006 19:53

Apsmum, that is horrible.

texasrose · 04/12/2006 19:53

Poppies your dd sounds a lot like mine (altho at 4.5 mine's younger). My dd is very bright, very ahead in terms of logic, language skills, reading, writimg, numbers...and oh yes, winding her dear old mum up. Dd goes through phases of acting like you describe.

At the mo I'm having to repeat the idea that she should treat me wth the same respect she gives her teachers at school. Every time she's rude or cheeks me I tell her it's not on and I haven't done this for a while but if she continues to be rude we go on to the taking away of treats or the naughty seat (altho that works better for separating dd and ds if they are having a moment!) We do all the positive reinforcement stuff like sticker charts and 'special time' together.

And she doesn't like this at all, but when she's rude or stroppy or whatever we always do a post-mortem afterwards, talk it through quietly, work out what went wrong there, I get her to say sorry nad we have a hug. It's a good way of recognising calmly, when things have simmered down, that her actions or attitude were wrong, and it does bring about a kind of reconciliation.

I don't think there's an easy answer TBH. I think parenting is a long haul and you have to keep repeating stuff over and over again in the hope that in about 7 years they might suddenly 'get it'! I do notice that if dd is tired her behaviour gets much worse, or if for whatever reason she's not had much time with us, so I think it's partly to do with attention-longing or physical needs.

Don't know if any of this helps but I do know exactly what you mean anyway!

hulababy · 04/12/2006 20:00

[shocked] on Aps mum. That is horrible. Your poor DS. There is a huge difference IMo to discipline and terrifying a child into behaving!

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 20:10

its nice to know that I am not alone. Encourages me that it's not because I am an awful mother and am unable to 'control' my child. Thats how I feel sometimes.

I have to say, I was a little apsmum. I don't think I could put my child in a dark room where they were scared for 'time out'.

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HazelnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 04/12/2006 20:11

I think that Dc are very good at school b/c all the other Dc have the same rules so they all go along with them and are ok with the rules of school. iykwim. At other people houses, they don't really know what that mum/dad will be like if the do push the normal boundaries so they don't bother.

When they are at home, they know what you will be like if they break a few rules.
We too most likely let a few boundaries slip as we are all busy getting ready for Xmas and we get tired b/c of that and the winter months are here, more house work and its wet out, so mud comes in, washing has to be dried other ways as it cant go out on the line, and we just don't need the hassle on making sure DC stick to the boundaries.

There is also the excitement of Christmas for our Dc to handle. They are doing plays at school, talking about what they want Santa to bring them etc. Their every day routine is out the window this time of year too. All this going I think it just gets a bit to much so they just try it on a bit more.

I was told that I should cut them a bit of slack this time of year with boundaries, (not let them have NO boundaries) but just not to put to much on them to keep every single rule of the house.

After all, they are just DC at the end of the day

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 20:18

so true. This term is very tiring for them. But her behaviour hasnt got worse recently, so to speak. It has been like this for a while now. It seems that when I do 'nice' things or cut some slack the behaviour does get worse.

Oh and what do you lot do about the screaming of "I HATE YOOOOUUU MUMMEEEEE!" Do you just ignore?

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texasrose · 04/12/2006 20:41

Poppies I know what you mean about behaviour getting worse when slack is cut! My dd has screaming tantrums when she doesn't know exactly where she is with us.

Of course you can't ignore it when she says she hates you. I'd deal with it by getting her into somew kind of time-out, letting her simmer down on her own and then later talking it through quite seriously but calmly. If you got your dp involved you could show a united front and deal with it as a family issue, and talk through "This is why we don't talk to each other like that..." If she's bright enough to manipulate you she's bright enough to understand and reason. That's how my mum brought us up and I'm thankful for it, because I think you do end up with better people if you teach children to reason why something is right or wrong.

Apsmum I agree wit the others. Shutting your dc in a dark place is a very temporary answer to the problems, and may well cause others. Look to the long term. What kind of person do you want your child to be? How can you use the present circumstances to teach your child and to build character?

Enough of my psuedo-psycho-babble!

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 20:47

like the idea of 'why we don't talk to each other like that'.

I am SO glad I am not alone.

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poinsettydog · 04/12/2006 20:50

This is only what I'd do. Make her stand behind a bush in the garden, naked, for 20 mins... no, not really.

I'd tell her that she does have to behave for me because that's the only way we have fun together. If she's horrible and cheeky to me, I feel sad and cross. I love spending time with her when she is being thoughtful and kind and fun.

Then next time she does it she is grounded. IN effect, this means she doesn't get to do a social thing, like play with a friend after school/Saturday. Or she misses art club. These social things mean a lot to her.

I don't do rewards or time out. But I have carried out grounding when necessary despite tears of remorse. Even if it's just one hour less with friends. SLiding scale depending on misdemeanour.

HunkerTheInternetPhenomenon · 04/12/2006 23:43

Apsmum, that you justify it thus chills me.

I don't think children should be ruled by fear