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Original poster

Right that's it... I've had enough... Time to call in the MN advice..

58 replies

poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 18:14

DD (6 1/2) is a stroppy mare. Gives me no end of grief. Has endless 'time out', things taken away etc etc. But also, praise and reward for good behaviour blah blah.

She is however, a perfect angel at school or when she goes round other people's houses to play.

BUT: she has a habit of 'showing off'/playing me up in front of people and it makes me really . I don't know how to handle it. I always stand firm and never let her get away with it so to speak but feel like it needs more drastic action but I am at a loss to know what else to do.

What do other people do?

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dara · 04/12/2006 23:47

Apsmum, you are being unbelievably cruel and abusive. Was someone very cruel to you when you were a child to make you think this is OK? I think one day your child will hate you. You are damaging your baby, who has nobody but you to stand up for him. Please stop doing this. Read some Dickens to realise what you are doing to this little person. It is torture.

MerryChristmasfromQV · 04/12/2006 23:56

Agree with pretty much everyone else on here - Apsmum that is a truly awful 'punishment'. Its not discipline - its bullying and brutish. Please dont do it anymore??

I am really really upset to read this

fortyplus · 05/12/2006 01:36

apsmum - I believe in discipline - mine are 11 & 13 and everyone says very well behaved.
BUT... I am frankly horrified at the idea of being so cruel as to shut a child in a dark cupboard with the deliberate intention of scaring him. When he is big enough he will bully you - draconian tactics always come back to haunt the parents.

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel · 05/12/2006 01:43

apsmum - have you read 'Matilda' by Roald Dahl?
Your comment about the way you punish your child reminded me of it.

heavenlyghosty · 05/12/2006 03:18

at apsmum ...

Reminds me of my thread where I was having similar problems with my DS a couple of months ago and someone told me she would have giving him a hiding by now

Scare tactics and violence is not the way to go IMO.

Poppies ... DS goes through phases of this ... he is testing me all the time ... Basically this is what I do:

A) I have stopped all rewards for good behaviour - sounds strange but I was finding that DS was getting into a 'What is in it for me' type way when really good behaviour is to be expected rather than something to be rewarded by the age of 6 IMO ... thanks to good advice on MN I stopped rewards and started telling him what I expected from him and what was ACCEPTABLE behaviour rather than "If you are good you will get ...."
B) I introduced sanctions - found his 'currency' if you like ... which is Playstation and computer time - unacceptable behaviour meant loss of this, his favourite activity ...
C) For totally unacceptable behaviour (hitting for example) I adopted a zero tolerance stance ... instant time out for 10 minutes and instant loss of computer time for that day ... if it turned into a battle of words/negotiation he found himself losing the computer for the next day too ... a major screaming tantrum ended up, at one time, with him losing computer time that week and ALL his weekend playstation time (he is only allowed 2 hours total at the weekend, none in the week anyway, and he cherishes it)

D) I primed all the people I knew about the fact that I was tackling his rudeness/showing off in public thing and told them that I would be taking him home early from playdates/putting him in the car for time out/'grounding' him for the next playdate or whatever and asked them to try not to react if I had to take this route in front of them ...

The combination of the above has really worked. DS still has his moments obviously and is still constantly testing me but once I set those rules in place he realised I was serious ... I try to be consistent ... but I also let the small things go ... tackle the biggies only.

DS is missing his Dad (DH is working overseas and has been for the last 3 months) and it has been really hard on him ... but really he has risen to the challenge and ghosty household is less fraught these days ....

jabberwocky · 05/12/2006 06:58

OMG, I really couldn't concentrate on this thread after reading apsmum's post. I truly hope you will rethink this form of punishment. It is more torture than punishment actually. and for your poor little ds.

apsmum · 05/12/2006 10:02

Hello all,

I am sorry if I came across as 'cruel'and I seem to have upset so many people. I am a mother and I love my son dearly, more than anything else in the world. My comment has been misunderstood, I think,and can now understand why. I never mentioned 'shutting''ds up. Time outs in my house are in fully lit places along with mummy, only where mummy dosent talk to u for a while.

I gave up work to be at home with him till he started school. We work v hard for DS and dont have any more chidren as we want to give him the best of what we can. I guess I got a bit carried away with my post, but all I was tryin to say is that we should set boundries.

This thread has caused me loads of heartache and tears and I would appreciate it if we could stop it here, now that I have clarified my position. By BahHunkBug on Tuesday, 5 December, 2006 9:45:55 AM

BahHunkBug · 05/12/2006 10:36

Hello, Apsmum.

I am sorry if I have upset you - I think that the responses you got were harsh, but justified based on what you posted.

I agree we do need to set boundaries for our children but I think there are other ways to do it.

I am glad that your son won't be put in the dark place again.

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel · 05/12/2006 10:37

Thank you for clearing it up, Apsmum.
Your original post read as being very shocking, but I'm glad you have clarified exactly what you meant.

NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 05/12/2006 11:26

may be worth reading this book it is v often recommended on here.

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 05/12/2006 12:08

Thanks everyone for your ideas. I especially like the idea of 'grounding'/removing playdates etc. DD is a very social person and that would hit her where it hurts so to speak.

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Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 05/12/2006 12:09

what book was that Nappies. The link didnt work - probably me being dense!

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Tortington · 05/12/2006 12:13

performance in front of other people would result in my totally ignoring her all evening.

then if apology forthcoming would ensue lecture about how at school she is the face of the family respresenting the family to other people. that i am her mother and i have feelings and not only is it disrespectful but its hurtful to be treated with such distain.

believe me kids at 6.5 want you first.

oh and if shes doing it becuase she knows you wnt shout in the playground - i would shout loudly "xxxxx how dare you try to embarrass me like this, you forget young lady i wiped your bottom when you were a baby"

cue muchio laughter.

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 05/12/2006 12:15

ROFL custardo Oh you are brill

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frogs · 05/12/2006 12:25

Ds is 7 now, and I think it is an age where a change of tactic is required, disciplinewise. What I'm aiming at, and it seems to have worked with dd1 (11) is to try to get them to understand why they are expected to behave in certain ways, and what the consequences will be for all of us if they don't.

So for example I take a fairly robust line with children's chores, on the basis that chores need doing so that the house/meals/whatever is nice for all of us, and it's not fair that I should have to do it all. I also get very sniffy about the children talking to me as if I was their personal skivvy, or shouting at me if they're angry. As others have suggested, I would tend to say, "I don't talk to you in that voice, so please don't shout at me like that".

I also do spell out very clearly on particular occasions that x y z need doing, and that if I have to do it all myself I will no longer have the energy to take them to the park, make flapjacks with them or whatever it might be.

In the end the aim is to get them to see that particular actions have natural consequences, rather than being a direct punishment from the parent. Otherwise it's easy for them to get locked into unproductive power struggles with you. It also helps to be very specific about what your requirements are, eg. no shouting at me after school, no leaving towels and pyjamas all over the bathroom floor, keeping little sister occupied for half an hour while I cook supper etc etc.

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 05/12/2006 12:37

ooo interesting.... your last line...
"keeping little sister occupied while I cook dinner"

That is one of my struggles. They sit on their back sides watching TV while I struggle trying to cook dinner with DS2 whinging by my side with me yelling "WILL ONE OF YOU COME AND PLAY WITH HIM PLEASE!!" Which is followed by lots of tuts and groans and one will appear play with him for about 2 minutes and then disappear again

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TheHollyAndTheAviatrix · 05/12/2006 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

queenceleste · 05/12/2006 12:42

Good luck poppies, no one knows our Achilles heel better than our child! My DS is making me demented with whining at the mo - it has got quite entrenched and the W/end with an Aunt who obviously HATED it (She's a teacher who deals with asbo territory pubescents.....what does that tell me?!?) left me feeling really ashamed/badmother/inadequate etc Since then I've tried to just ignore all whining completely - it's been a little successful. But I've also tried to give him a little more quality time and let him choose what we do then. I don't know about you but I think I get into a real parenting rut at times and that's when bad behaviour seems to suddenly become a problem!

frogs · 05/12/2006 12:54

Ah yes. Rationing TV is fundamental to my masterplan, poppies. [evil grin emoticon]

In the frogpond telly-watching is a privilege not a right. And during little sister waking hours it tends to be CBeebies only. If the older ones want to watch the Simpsons or Raven or whatever then they can submit a request which may or may not be granted, depending on behaviour, general helpfulness and satisfactory completion of homework and music practice.

Oh it's a draconian regime over here, no doubt about it.

NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 05/12/2006 13:33

oops! sorry about that. its the talk so kids listen, listen so kids talk book - bit of a mouthful... will try a link again...

NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 05/12/2006 13:34

work this time?

NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 05/12/2006 13:36

wahey!

i like frogs' approach btw

and am working hard to control my own anger/shouty behaviour so that i can truthfully say '"I don't talk to you in that voice, so please don't shout at me like that".

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 05/12/2006 16:01

oh yes Nappies I have read that one 3 times

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NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 05/12/2006 17:33

goodness, really??

you couldnt send me a synopsis could you then? ive had it and been meaning to read it for ages

fortyplus · 05/12/2006 23:27

Hang on a mo, ladies...

'we have a little dark store room near the kitchen that is not used. He knows that he will have to spend time there if he misbehaves. He is scared of the place, and usually just verbal threat is enough.'

How can that be misinterpreted?

Seems pretty black & white to me.